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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like unexpected guests??

115 replies

TeaAndFag · 06/01/2014 14:44

Does anyone else get annoyed by people just 'dropping by' at their homes without any prior warning? I have several family members who will just turn up whenever they like, I would never do this but DM has the attitude that family should just be able to come round whenever. I mean, I'm usually happy to have people round for a coffee or whatever, and I understand that family want to see the DC's but am AIBU to expect at least a text beforehand checking if it's ok?? There's been times before where the kids have been having dinner/house has been tip/me and DP have been having a 'disagreement' and a family member has turned up in the midst of it! Surely I'm not the only one who finds this irritating?

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 06/01/2014 15:59

Drivers me bonkers as well so YANBU!

My DH gets up at 4.30am, I get up at 6am. We don't get home till around 4pm (later if I need to run errands in town).

I do NOT appreciate coming home from a long day at work, after "decompressing" in my truck on the way home, to find people in my house. We've finally pounded that into the head of a very obtuse friend. I expect a text as warning, at least from DH, that someone is there.

The other issue is people popping around either really early, or really late. You shouldn't be knocking on my door before 10am or after 7pm (and earlier if it's dark already).

DH's friends don't have spouses/significant others, and a couple still live with their parents, so they don't understand the whole "we are a separate unit and can't stay up till all hours" thing. I think they forget DH is an adult with a wife (and hopefully soon family).

If/when we have a baby I'm going to make a sign for my door and disable the bell. "On penalty of death will you knock on this door. Unless you can see us, assume the baby is sleeping and so are we. Please send us a text or leave us a voicemail (or note if you don't have our number) and we'll get back to you."

Dollydishus · 06/01/2014 16:00

YANBU. I need to time to get my head together before social stuff...sounds silly but I do.

We live very close to DHs family and it is a ground rule between all of is that we don't drop in. Always text or ring first. Also accept being told it's not convenient (not often, but if we are eating or watching something specific on the TV we are free to say/be told that it's not a good time).

We all get on really well and I think it's due, in part, to us giving each other space and time.

Boaby · 06/01/2014 16:02

YANBU I hate being popped in on. DM does it all the time but always calls my brother before she goes round to his in case him & his wife are 'in their jammies' that's mum speak for having sex

SantasPelvicFloor · 06/01/2014 16:04

YANBU. I am really busy and if people are coming I want to be free to enjoy their company. I had a neighbour who did this all the time because she was bored. I could be up a ladder painting a ceiling and she'd cheerily say...don't mind me I'll chat whilst you work?? I did mind but not enough to be rude and tell her to leave

cardibach · 06/01/2014 16:08

This is one of those MN things that I just don't get. I don't understand why people need to be warned about the arrival of friends and family - people they like and are close to (the friends at least!). I don't get how it is rude to pop in, and I'm not sure how a popper-inner is expecting to be entertained - they are coming for a chat. Won't that entertain you as well as them?
Inhospitable, that's what you lot are - and that is definitely rude.

livinginawinterwonderland · 06/01/2014 16:11

No, what's rude is expecting to be entertained on your terms. Just because I'm home, doesn't mean I'm free for a chat or a coffee, or indeed that I even want one.

You wouldn't turn up at someone's job and expect them to stop for a coffee and a chat. Why is it different at home? It's my house. If I want to sit on my sofa in peace or have a bath in peace, I should be able to without someone knocking and expecting a cup of coffee and a chat!

cuttingpicassostoenails · 06/01/2014 16:13

I have a friend who is a "popper in". I don't mind too much (mostly) but she insists on doing it when we are out together..."ooohhh, I need to call in on Sybil, you'll like her and she would love to meet you". This has been the cause of me feeling uncomfortable as the various "Sybils" make it clear that our visit is not convenient.

I now try to avoid the Sybil episodes but said friend just does not get it!

MrsOakenshield · 06/01/2014 16:15

I'd love it if I had family near enough to do this. I like a bit of sponteniety (that is so spelt wrong).

alemci · 06/01/2014 16:19

I don't mind that much if it's family. I used to get fed up when in laws did it when dcs were at primary school and I was home in the afternoon relaxing.

wontletmesignin · 06/01/2014 16:21

Yanbu. I hate it also.
It drives me mad in fact.
I dont really mind my mam and dad though

RobinSparkles · 06/01/2014 16:26

I don't mind people popping by but it hardly ever happens except when I've got my pyjamas on or my bleach stained tracky bottoms and no make up!

It's so annoying. No one ever comes when the house is spotless and I'm looking my best! :o

RobinSparkles · 06/01/2014 16:26

Although I don't care what state family see me or the house in.

Sixtiesqueen · 06/01/2014 16:26

Friend of mine (childless) took to turning up at my house unannounced at about 4pm when I'd just got the DCs home from school and expecting to be entertained.

Would completely ignore the children, bend my ear about all sorts of things while the kids became more and more attention seeking in the background.

I wouldn't even be able to start cooking their dinner, couldn't get their books read, nothing.

I asked for them to come at another time and explained why 4pm was tricky. This friend was very, very put out.

That's them not me, right?!

wontletmesignin · 06/01/2014 16:34

I had a friend who used to do that. She had 3 kids too. I loved her company, but sometimes but the timing.

Id often have to cook for all, or we would order out.

Sadly, she passed away and i miss those times badly.

Mim78 · 06/01/2014 16:34

I think in modern age of communications at least a text to see if convenient is polite.

I would not like people just dropping by, but they don't on the whole.

peggyundercrackers · 06/01/2014 16:34

YABU but so are a lot of other people - its not rude to pop by someones house. give someone a time to come round ? sorry i dont live my life by a diary and dont have a mobile so cant txt or msg. life is about spontaneity - friends make the world a better place, chill out and relax instead of trying to arrange life in some ordered fashion.

livinginawinterwonderland your not a drama queen or anything are you - its not the same as dropping by someone place of work - having a bath in peace is hardly the same as sat at a desk working... [insert shake head smiley]

wontletmesignin · 06/01/2014 16:35

No its not you sixtiesqueen

Mim78 · 06/01/2014 16:37

Ps why do some adults feel you have to ignore your kids if they are there? You have come in with kids.possibly planning to do something or other then they seem to feel your kids should keep quietwhile they ramble on about whatever...

Mim78 · 06/01/2014 16:40

Also I really hate "chats" and the woRd "chat". To me it is euphemism for "wasting my time".

Original poster

TeaAndFag · 06/01/2014 16:44

So the general consensus is I'm not being unreasonable!! I guess I just feel that because I wouldn't dream of turning up to anyone's house announced, it annoys me when people do it to me. The worst is when DM 'pops round' (normally always on a day when I haven't hoovered,DC's have smashed biscuits into the carpet and I have hair like a cave woman) and will look around and say 'oh, having a lazy day are we?' Sorry, but if you insist on coming round without any warning, you can bloody well take me and the house as you find us!!

OP posts:

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 06/01/2014 16:44

YANBU. I do not get expecting someone to have the time, energy, and ability to be hospitable - let alone the desire to do so and be 'entertained' as the guest sees fit - with no warning whatsoever. A quick call, message, text - to show you value the person and their time - is not such a big ask outside an emergency. And the idea that it would be rude not to take in someone who turns up on your doorstep expecting you to drop everything for a chat makes it even more frustrating - I'm placed between my own responsibilities and health versus the relationship(s), when it could all have been avoided by calling or messaging beforehand. Thankfully, no one around here really seems to do that as running a group out of my home twice a week or more plus normal family/work responsibilities is quite draining enough without playing host with no notice.

FuckingWankwings · 06/01/2014 16:47

peggy, here's the thinking behind that.

Scenario 1. Someone is in an office at their job, thinking 'Right. I'm doing this report/these phone calls. I'll give myself half an hour.' They shut the door.

Scenario 2. Someone is at home, running a bath, thinking 'Right. Bath, leg shave, hair wash. I'll give myself half an hour.' They get in the bath.

Why would it be OK for someone to 'pop in' on the bath person but not on the office person? Are they not both doing things with their time? Would it not be inconvenient for someone to pop round during this half-hour?

You may not live your life by a diary but plenty of people find that a very useful way to organise things. And anyway, a lot of people on here are not talking about in-advance diary dates, just a text an hour or so in advance to make sure it's OK to come round.

Having said all this, I don't really get why some people on here need some warning to clean or tidy the house. If someone wants to come round they can see the house in all its muck and chaos lived-in glory for all I care!

Mim78 · 06/01/2014 16:50

Also I really hate "chats" and the woRd "chat". To me it is euphemism for "wasting my time".

notso · 06/01/2014 16:53

I hate it with a passion. All my in laws do it, occasionally they ring on the way and say "just checking you're in we are popping round."
I might say "were going out in 10 mins sorry"
"Oh we'll only be 5 then" and put the phone down.

At the weekend BIL rang and said "we're on our way round"
DH said "can you leave it for now we're taking the decorations down while the youngest DC are napping"
BIL "oh, ok see you later"
15 MINUTES LATER they stroll in, bellowing helloooooo waking the DC up. The house was a tip decs everywhere and the pair of them look down their noses at us, demand tea and bore us to death with their latest spending. And even more annoyingly talk using the medium of a baby voice for their baby DD, "guess where I've been Aunty Notso, I've just been to buy an electwic toofbwush for my new toof, Daddy wanted to get me a normal one but Mummy says an electwic one is much better, Mummy says I need to look after my toof"

JassyRadlett · 06/01/2014 16:54

YANBU, absolutely. Incredibly rude and self-centred behaviour not to at least check beforehand (even 20 minutes before!) that it's convenient.

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