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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wait until my toddler is old enough to reason with about her own bed?

70 replies

jinglemel · 05/01/2014 14:51

My dd is 19 months old. She bfs and co-sleeps at night, as did my now 6 year old who stopped feeding of her own accord at 2.5 and moved to her own bed a few months later without any fuss. I'm getting to the stage where I'd like my bed back and dd is beginning to understand laying down, being quiet etc when asked so I don't think she's too far off being able to reason with about sleeping in her own bed. Dp, however, wants her to move out now. Her being there doesn't affect him at all (she doesn't kick etc) and he isn't volunteering to try anything to get her in her own bed. Aibu to wait a few months and do it at dds pace?

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 05/01/2014 14:54

Have you actually tried her in her own bed?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/01/2014 15:04

It's his child, he is allowed an opinion. DD loved her bed, no need to 'reason' with her.

peggyundercrackers · 05/01/2014 15:05

19 months and shes still in your bed? sorry i think thats far too old to be sleeping with parents at that age - our DD was in her own cot by 4 months, she slept in a basket previous to that from when she was born - I didnt want my baby in bed with me at all but not in a bad way, just think its a bad habit to get into as we have friends who still have bother with their DD and shes 6 and wont stay in her bed.

Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:06

Not yet. She's very much used to bf and co-sleeping and wouldn't yet understand why everything has changed meaning she'd be hysterical which could make the process take longer in the long run I feel. Her understanding is improving every day though and she's currently got back teeth coming through so I think waiting a couple of months would make all the difference

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 05/01/2014 15:06

I'm not really into negotiating/reasoning with toddlers and babies.

you're the parent. you make the call.

Flisspaps · 05/01/2014 15:10

I'd hang on a bit, if that's what YOU want to do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/01/2014 15:11

You are projecting a lot onto her. You know you she would be hysterical. How? Suck it and see. I think maybe you like sleeping with her. No issue with that but important to acknowledge.

Fairylea · 05/01/2014 15:11

Well its completely up to you isn't it... and if you're the sort of person into Co sleeping then do it as long as you like.

However if your question is more whether she would be able to learn to sleep on her own, well I think that could have been done a lot sooner than now. Both my dc were sleeping all night in their own rooms (with a good baby monitor so I could hear them) from about 7 months.

I never let them cry, if they were unsettled I'd just go in and pick them up and when they were calm I'd put them back down again and keep doing it. Eventually they got the hang of going to sleep really well on their own.

At 19 months and if she is eating well during the day there is no real reason why she should be wanting to feed at night or sharing your bed - it's just up to you as a parent what you think is ok! :)

Asheth · 05/01/2014 15:15

What does your dh suggest? I co slept with all my three dc and if you're happy with it then there's nothing wrong with it. If your DH isn't happy then i think he's the one who should be thinking of strategies to get her in her own bed.

A compromise might be is that she starts sleeping in her own bed but can come in with you if she wakes in the night.

Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:18

MrsTerry she begins to cry in the time between me turning the light off and climbing into bed beside her, she would be inconsolable at the moment. I agree he should have an opinion but if he isn't dealing with night times or affected by my choices, which he isn't, then I don't feel his opinions should overrule what works for dd and I

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:22

He doesn't suggest anything or intend to help. He just wants her out. Also known as more sex I feel! His dc were left to cry and he doesn't see the issue. However several years later they still wake up 4-5 times per night whereas my elder dd sleeps really well anywhere. It may not be connected but I think he thinks that's the only way to get toddlers to sleep alone which I disagree with

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 05/01/2014 15:23

He must be affected by having a small person in his bed!

I really don't see why you need to 'reason' with her either, you sound very precious.

Artandco · 05/01/2014 15:26

Have you considered putting her bed in your room? So she's close but not same bed. It's on the right step out but not pushy.

Saying that both our children are still in our room at 2 and 4 ( but own beds). It works better as either dh or myself work from home a lot so we use the 2nd room as office ( which is tiny and will only fit bunk beds which they are too young for ATM)

Peggy- it's not recommended that a baby under 6 months sleeps in any other room other than with parents ( day and night), so I wouldn't encourage people putting 3/4 month olds in a room alone

ThePieSmuggler · 05/01/2014 15:29

I disagree with a lot of the previous posters, I don't think reasoning with a toddler is 'precious' at all! I still co sleep (and bf) with my 2.5yr old so for me it seems perfectly normal and I'm happy to go at my child's pace. In my opinion talking to, explaining and reasoning with a child helps them to understand, feel valued and respected, so please don't let other posters put you off if you want to carry on co sleeping. Everybody parents differently, if you're happy and your child is happy then it's working for you! If I were in your situation I think I'd be talking to my DH and explaining why you want to continue rather than moving your child before she's ready.

Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:31

We have a super kingsize bed Santana, she lies directly next to me and sleeps all night. How does that affect him?

I plan to do that Artandco as her bedroom is on a different floor. He still says that isn't good enough though. He thinks a few nights of her screaming the house down (with me dealing with it and elder dd being woken) means she'll then sleep 12 hours a night forever.

OP posts:
themaltesefalcon · 05/01/2014 15:32

YANBU.

Your husband sounds cold.

HedgehogsRevenge · 05/01/2014 15:32

If you're happy with it and he's not then tell him he will be the one doing the sleep training, getting up to put her back in bed 70 times a night might change his mind. Mine slept in my bed until around 3 years, I loved it. You'll never get that back, once they get used to there own bed that's it.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 05/01/2014 15:32

you may be waiting a VERY long time if you want to reason, my 6yo still wont go to bed without a battle

Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:33

Thank you pie smuggler. I enjoy co-sleeping but am looking forward to being able to sleep on my tummy again! I don't see the point in rushing her though if a couple of months wait means it's done without any upset

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/01/2014 15:34

I don't think cosleeping or BFing are precious, neither do I think reasoning with a toddler is precious. However, I do think entirely discounting a partner's views, saying he isn't affected is wrong. He is affected in the following ways (at least):

His way of parenting his other children is questioned
His sex life is affected
His sleep is affected
He may feel his child is being affected.

whether you think these reasons are good enough to affect your joint decision as parents is up to the two of you.

GlitzAndGiggles · 05/01/2014 15:35

I think you should at least give it a go. She can't sleep in your bed forever and the longer it's left the harder it'll be. Just because it worked with your eldest, doesn't mean it'll work for the baby. My dd went straight from our room to her own at 6 months and slept right through. Trust me it's worth trying

Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:35

Someday - people said that when my elder dd was still feeding at co-sleeping at my toddlers age. She's slept every night since around 30 months in her own bed all night and has no desire to sleep in my bed whatsoever

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglemel · 05/01/2014 15:42

His sex life isn't affected MrsTerry. We have sex everyday at least, he just thinks with dd in her own room we'll have more. I think there'd be less as I'd be up and down with her all night

OP posts:
Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 15:45

I can understand why your dh wants her out of your bed. I don't think you should ride rough shod over his opinions just because you like co-sleeping; when do you get 'couple' time if your dd is with you all day and all night as well? I think co-sleeping is fine if all parties want to do it, but if they don't then you could risk eroding your marriage.

Was he enthusiastic about co-sleeping from the start or was it something he just tolerated? If it was never something he wanted to do but acquiesced because you wanted to, I don't really see why he should be the one to make suggestions as to how you break the habit now.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 05/01/2014 15:49

my son, my eldest doesn't wish to sleep in my bed and never has (own room since about 12 months and stayed in bed all night etc), all dc are different and I don't expect dd to change now. I did nothing different with either dc while babies. the thing is, it's easier to at least teach them to stay in their own room before they learn to scale or undo the baby gates ;)