to say no to my 10 year old getting a mobile phone?

[PTFsWife]

I genuinely need to know if I am being unreasonable here. My son who turns 10 soon is desperate for his own mobile phone because according to him 'everyone' has one. Now I know that isn't true. But the point is, all of his closest friends do have phones and he feels massively left out.

My reasons for saying no:

• he doesn't need one. There are a few (very few) occasions where him having a phone would make it easier for me e.g. can he walk to a different school entrance. But for that, he could have my old pay as you go nokia, but he would rather die than having something that uncool (all his friends have iphones)

• he already has too much time on a screen. I spend my life trying to get him off screens so by buying him a phone, surely it's sending a message that I think more screen time is ok?

• I worry that if he has a phone, he can start to access the internet from anywhere, start to do picture sharing which can quickly turn to bullying. Even though I would insist on having his password and the right to check his phone from time to time, I am still not comfortable with it.

I feel as though kids are growing up way too fast and it is just plain unnecessary for him to have one (should he start walking to school on his own or similar, there may be more of a genuine reason to have one).

But I also understand the peer pressure he must feel at school. He is already the kid who isn't allowed to play on 18+ games which his friends all are. My husband feels that perhaps we are just out of touch with what life is really like for kids these days and perhaps we're just being old and 'fuddy duddy', saying no for the sake of it. He also thinks that by giving him his own phone, it will be an opportunity for him to prove to us that he can be responsible and that he might thrive with that responsibility.

But in my gut I don't think it is right for him to have a phone. So am I being unreasonable? Should I let him have one?

Sadoldbag I don't think there was phones in your dad's day!!!

I would assume sadoldbag's Dad works at a school rather than is a very very young father.

Ds got his phone at 10. He paid for it himself with birthday money and if he needs a top up it comes out of his own pocket money.
I let him buy it because he has started going out on his bike on his own and needs to contact us if he has a flat/falls off etc.
His friends all apparently have one but never really contact each other so the credit lasts for ever. Vodaphone & 02 do a "text and web" pack which gives you 250 texts and a small amt internet time ( dss phone doesn't have internet) This is valid for 1 month, then you start to eat into credit. A £10 top up lasts about 3 months! (it's not widely publicised option- I had to phone up and speak to an advisor)

acrossthepond - there's really very little any child needs.

Food, water, space to run around, education, arguably books (though perhaps that isn't even essential).

We are rarely (in the west) discussing what children need when we say need. On teh other hand I see no reason why children shouldn;t have things which they enjoy and enhance their life in teh same way adults do - they aren't substandard to adults. The issues (in my view) are:

• how much will it enhance their life
• does this justify the cost
• what are the risks (including taking time away form interacting from actual human beings)
• do the risks outweigh the benefits

I don;t personally see the point of phones that only ring certain numbers unless you have a particular reason for them not to call their friends. Just cap the cost or don;t give them a phone.

My daughter told me last year that ALL her year 6 friends had phones

I said "does ?????? Have a phone? Or ???????"

She said "no"

I said " well not all your friends have phones then do they"

So she said "yeah, but ?????? And ????? Aren't my friends"

She still didn't get one til senior school though

wow - I had to take said 10 year old to a party and came back to 5 pages of comments. Thanks for them all.

Just to clarify - not all the kids have phones or iphones. But his group of close friends, all have iphones. I know because I saw them with them at the party he has just been to. The others tend to have hand me down phones from the parents. Most are touch screen based with cameras. If I am honest, it is one or two of his friends who seem to be the trendsetters (sadly also the ones who are allowed to play 18+ games - I have already fallen out with their parents over that, which was nice - I am known as 'the strict mum' at the school purely because I don't want my 9 year old playing on GTA). They are the ones who play on their phones all the time and make snide comments about my son not having a phone. I have tried to encourage him to look elsewhere for friendship, but you can't pick their friends for them.

We have a cheap payg nokia that I have offered to him but he has said he would rather have nothing than that as the other kids would laugh at him/make fun of him. Nice. hate this peer pressure at this age.

I think he largely wants to be able to play games on it, which means an ipod touch makes more sense, but he says he wants to be able to call if he needs to. Both DH and I have iphones, we also have ipads - so it makes sense to get an iphone (should we get one) as the apps etc are all paid for already and shared on the cloud.

But he already has WAAAAY too much screen time, although that is being limited to two hours per day as of tomorrow (which is still too much in my mind but way less than he has been spending on screens over the holidays).

have to say I am feeling no closer to a decision. I still don't want him to have one.

PS - he is in year 5 but in a middle school that goes up to age 13

Well, Kewcumber, like I say, I'm an old fogey. My kids were growing up when mobile phones were pretty basic and were still considered luxuries, so I guess I have a skewed view of them, especially when I hear of all the problems caused by smartphones in the hands of children/teens. Sexting, rude pictures that end up on Facebook, bullying, etc.

There are also lots of kids that have no problems/issues. Like anything. I recall bullying being rife in my school long before phones !

AcrossthePond55 these aren't problems caused by smartphones. The smartphones just facilitate them. I think it's important that children learn responsible use.

Ahhh so this is not about being are it's about keeping up wit the jones
Personally if he rather have nothing then fine

The fact that your even considering it after he turned his nose up at the offer of a phone is a bit

If you give in to the demand now were will it end what if one of his friends parents get there children an x box witch coats £700 will you run out a buy one two this is about you as parent really and your ability not t be pressured by a child

What children want and what they need are two very different things

And to be honest if they don't want to be mates with him because be doesn't have a phone it may be a blessing for him finding new mates

Can I just ask all the people saying they didn't give their kids phones until senior school...

Where they never allowed out of the house alone before then? Not allowed to the shops alone/with friends or the park/swimming etc?

If they were, why would you not give an under 11yr old the tools to contact you if they needed you?

*were

Add message | Report | Message poster backwardpossom Sun 05-Jan-14 19:21:48
AcrossthePond55 these aren't problems caused by smartphones. The smartphones just facilitate them. I think it's important that children learn responsible use.
*problem is children will be children for instance dispute most schools best efforts most teens ingonre the fact if there caught with rude picture of other pupils they can be charged with handling indecent images

Most like the stupid youth commissar post things on face book not think years later it will still be on the web effecting collage / job prospects ECt

poster WorraLiberty

Funny I seemed to have managed fine and before high school ds was not really going any were note worthy to need a phone so he wasn't going camping in the woods with cadets or out for the whole day to Thorpe park

A walk to the local sweet shop dose not warrant a smart phone costing ££££

But I know adults who do stupid things with iphones and the like and have got into trouble at work. Perhaps if they'd been taught responsible use at a young age (hypothetically obviously, the technology didn't exist when they were young) then this wouldn't have happened.

Again, I feel the need to say that the world is different now to when we were growing up. The technology exists and we have to work out how to deal with it.

I have just bought my 10 year old DD a phone, as she will be coming home on her own a couple of days a week this term.

I bought her the most basic Samsung - no internet access - on PAYG - as all she needs to do is text us when she's on the bus and when she gets to ballet.

If she shows us she can look after this and text responsibly, then she might get something a bit flasher when she goes to senior school.

mine got basic PAYG for the first year of secondary - so age 11 - then a smart phone after a year - they will not be getting i-phones, the latest factory worker to die after doing 70+ hour weeks (against Apple rules... of course) for his only month at the factory, was 15 years old ( also against Apple rules... of course).

I explain to my kids that they will not be getting the latest and "best" models of anything due to the fact that kids not much older than they are are dying under the pressures of working such long hours to provide us with material crap ready for release date....

I completely agree with Kewcumber.

I think another, additional aspect to this is the familiarity with and confidence with technology. My brother has, for a variety of reasons, never gelled with modern technology. Never used a memory stick, tablet, Kindle, iPod, MP3.

It's hugely disadvantaged him in terms of work and social life. I would encourage children to get to grips with and be confident with all sorts of technology - they're going to need it. I am fairly good with technology but if I need something sorting I always ask a child (work in a secondary school.)

I personally would see no harm in letting him have a smartphone with strict limits attached to it.

Sadoldbag I didn't mention smart phones did I?

I'm interested to know (assuming their under 11s are allowed out alone) why a parent wouldn't want them to have a mobile so they can contact them.

Considering phone boxes are such a rare sight on the high street.

Another old fogey here. Peer pressure is always around and learning to live with it is a life skill. My teen kids are 14 and nearly 18. They both have very simple phones ( galaxy y if you are interested) and both have had them 18-24 months . I even offered DS an upgrade a while ago but he chose an extra 15 quid a month hard cash!

They attend schools with a spectrum of phones / flaunting of money - dd (14) still has a friend who has no phone through to iPhone 5s. It doesn't seem to affect peer groups etc

Interestingly all 3 kids got their 1st simple phone in year 5-6 depending on public transport use.all 3 ( and they are now 14/17/20) lost or had the first stolen in year 7-8 and have managed to keep them since lol ( except eldest who left her rather broken phone in a club at uni just before Xmas - again that's 2.5yrs use at uni before she lost it !)

( again in case it helps anyone the eldest now has a Motorola g8 - £100 tesco - a heck of a lot of smart phone for little monies )

I think smart phones and young teens are a minefield I'd avoid - read all the cyber bullying /sexting/ inappropriate pic threads on here for a start.

worra

Not that they weren't allowed out without me but usually they were at a friends house, or just popping up the road or on the green behind our house.

When ds1 was 10 he didn't really go out to play, dd was 7 so only really went to friends houses and ds2 was 5 so didn't really go anywhere.

Once ds1 got his phone at 11 we kept an old one of mine as an emergency phone, if they go to the shop or friends we don't bother but if ds2 wanted to go to the woods he could borrow my old one

If our circumstances were different maybe we would let them have one of their own earlier...but they are not....so we don't

My dd is 9 and in yr 5. A couple of people in her class do have phones but few of her close friends. She doesn't go anywhere on her own and she has use of home phone, my phone, my laptop and tablet. We talked about how she might like the idea but she doesn't need one. I would probably get her a cheap payg when she goes into yr 7 but only because it would be convenient for me and her...I just dig my heels in further with the whole peer pressure thing. We have talked about it a lot over the hols and dd says she will save for a smart phone when she has a sat job!

Same here really Rufus

I've got 3DC and DC2 rarely went far from home unlike the other two, so he didn't really need more than just the spare phone that hung around the house.

Acrossthepond - I doubt you're much more of an old fogey than me! Mobile phones didn't exist when I was growing up and for a large part of my working life. But you can't ignore technology just becasue you didn't have it when you (or your children were young) we didn't have a dishwasher, microwave, more than one TV, etc when I was growing up but I would be very if anyone suggested I didn't need a dishwasher. No of course I don't need one but I like it and it makes my life easier.

I haven't suggested giving very young children mobile phones not even smart phones for a 10 year old - I think a good rule of thumb is that poncey phones can wait until they can pay for them themselves in which case you know they really want one and will look after it more.

I don't see whats so terribly new fangled about giving a child the ability to make phone calls! We could always make phone calls to friends even with our parents not in the house, you could ring people and bully them by phone and make rank calls much more easily because number ID didn't exist and bullying in the flesh was just as easy as it ever was. You just couldn;t do it outside your house - I'm not sure that location cahnges the basics of the ability to make a phone call!

I don't deny that children need to be way more aware of the enduring legacy of stuff thats posted on the internet and many schools run session on being safe online (I know ours does).

I would really hate to go back to the days when I waited around for hours, in all weather waiting to meet someone who was delayed and couldn't let me know. Oh the hours I've whiled away my time in the cold wondering where my life was...