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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you to help me put together my guide to being a fab MIL?

212 replies

ilove · 04/01/2014 16:05

My son has proposed to his lovely girlfriend, and she has said yes!!!

We're thrilled, but I am also very nervous - I know full well that I'm very likely to be unable to do right for doing wrong as a MIL!!!

So, help me please to put together the MN Ultimate MIL Guide of promises I can give her on the big day...

OP posts:
Original poster
ilove · 05/01/2014 12:54

I seem to have opened a real can of worms with this thread - it certainly wasn't my intention. I'll be just as nervous being a MIL when my dd gets married - but I have 3 boys and one girl, and desperately want my daughter in laws to feel absolutely a part of the family.

The thought that they may feel unwelcome or uncomfortable here is so upsetting :(

To those who think this thread is a joke/ridiculous/sexist, it really wasn't meant like that. I simply wanted honest advice

OP posts:
WaxyDaisy · 05/01/2014 12:57

When a grand child's name is announced (pre or post-natally) the only correct response is to smile and say, oh how lovely, or oh it really suits them. Practise, and put feeling into it. If you reveal inadvertently that you dislike the name they WILL remember forever.

TimeToPassGo · 05/01/2014 13:02

My MIL is just really kind. When we had our DC1 she came to stay with us and was much better than my own mum was tbh (whole different story there!) Arrival of a baby post-CS was a shocker for me. I seemed to cry every evening when the colicky witching hour hit but she never made me feel judged. I was judging myself so harshly but all she did was encourage me and be empathetic. I will always love her for that.

TimeToPassGo · 05/01/2014 13:04

By the way just saw your last post. I haven't read the whole thread but I totally understand why you asked the question - lots of awful MIL / DIL threads on MN. Ignore the joke / sexist comments - it is a very tricky relationship to get right and I think it's great you have asked for opinions :) Thanks

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 05/01/2014 13:21

don't fret over the arangements for the wedding and who they invite on your side. and when the couple have decided something together, do not pressure your son (or daughter) to change their minds and put them in the middle of two people they do not want to upset. mil did this and it ruined our relationship. it never fully recovered. (exh had a part in it as well)

don't pressure them to see you at christmas. let them know that you would love to see them but that they are not to feel pressured to do so. my parents did this and it really helped not to feel torn between two sets of parents.

offer dil alternatives when asking to visit after a birth.

JohnCusacksWife · 05/01/2014 13:30

I think you might be over thinking things. If she likes you and you like her you'll get on, regardless of your MIL status, and if you don't you won't. I don't gel at all with my MIL but that's because we have nothing in common, not because of the fact she happens to be my MIL. I do feel jealous of people who Get on with their MILs...it must make family life a lot easier!

Cabrinha · 05/01/2014 13:31

I wouldn't want to be presented with a list of promised MIL behaviour on my "big day". Sorry, but I'd either cringe or think my MIL was spending too much time thinking about herself!
You don't sound like that, please don't take that personally! But it's definitely how I'd feel.
Just be a decent, caring, sensitive person - job done.

Kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun · 05/01/2014 13:40

I second not actually giving her some kind of written promise. Things can change.

The fact you're even giving the matter so much thought is surely a good sign.

My MIL was fine till we had children. Then in the early days she was incredibly critical of me, even over small things. At one point she said, as she passed me, 'She (me) doesn't even know what to do with him (10 day old baby) when he's awake'. It was just unnecessary and stupid.

I think if you just respect each other's views and listen to each other you'll do fine. I think it would be worth it because ultimately you'll get to know more about the little things your grandchildren get up to.

nessus · 05/01/2014 13:42

Don't display wedding photo from your son' first marriage proudly in your kitchen, but no wedding day photo from his current marriage to dil...

BikeRunSki · 05/01/2014 13:56

Do not refuse to accept your son's divorce and call his second wife by his first wife's name for the rest of your life. My grandparents did this to my uncle.

louloutheshamed · 05/01/2014 14:29

Do not, on the night when your son and dil bring their ebf pfb home from hospital, stay at their house and go into their bedroom in the middle of the night and take ebf pfb from dil to try and settle him.

Not that I'm bitter...

curlew · 05/01/2014 14:45

Just sit. Don't move. Don't do anything unless you have specific instructions.

You will then be accused of not lifting a finger- but sins of omission are not as bad as sins of commission. Usually.

Indianajonesismyhero · 05/01/2014 15:03

If they do have kids and either your son or his wife asks you nicely and specifically not to buy something for the kids/not to let them watch, do or eat certain stuff - comply with that request, or be prepared for future angst.

Also, might be wise - if she is having a fairly trad wedding look - not to turn up in floor length ivory to the wedding. I would have appreciated that little courtesy from my mother in law...

curlew · 05/01/2014 15:24

And under no circumstances ever ask if your grandchildren can come to stay. This is taking over- and you've had your turn with your own children. Wait until your're specifically asked to look after them. Then drop everything. Never show the slightest hint that you might like having your grandchildren round- that is pretending to be their mother, and, as has been said, you've had your chance.

Original poster
ilove · 05/01/2014 15:33

We could just emigrate after the wedding...!!!

OP posts:
JugglingIntoANewYear · 05/01/2014 15:34

I think one thing is to recognise the importance and potential of your relationship with her - so like someone said to treat her as "one of yours" - just like a daughter - or at least to have such a relationship open to her as much as she wants/accepts

I think it can be great to feel you almost have another mother, and certainly another granny for your children. And for the MIL to feel that her family has grown - as the cliche goes, not losing a son, but gaining a daughter

Congratulations & Good luck Thanks
You sound like a great MIL to me Xmas Smile

Kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun · 05/01/2014 16:26

My MIL is definitely the better Mother than my own mum. We could have had a really good relationship if she hadn't been so critical. I'm pretty sure there's no reason why you can't get on with your DIL if you're both reasonable people.

Congratulations! I think some of the comments may be taking the shine off this for you.

damnitchloe · 05/01/2014 22:44

Curlew - really? What is wrong with any grandparent wanting to have their grandchildren over to play at their house. I'd be sad if both sets didn't ask. Why should the relationship be so one way - a grandparent can't possibly ask to spend time with their grandchild but should immediately drop all their plans if the DIL asks. My parents & in-laws both love having DS to stay & means my DH & I have had some lovely lie-ins after child-few weddings. Just because a grandparent raised their own children why shouldn't they want & enjoy their grandchildren staying occasionally? Seems a pretty selfish approach for a DIL to me.

damnitchloe · 05/01/2014 22:46

Sorry "child-free" weddings - not child-few whatever that may be!

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 22:50

ilove you sound like you will be a lovely mil.

damnitchloe think tongue in cheek.

Bahhhhhumbug · 05/01/2014 23:00

My mil is adored and thought of like a mum to all four of us D-i-ls. She is nearly eighty and I nicknamed her 'Ma Baker' Grin

She never ever interferes or takes sides but does give her opinion for you to either take on board or ignore , she leaves that up to you entirely. She never ever says ' I told you so ' either if she was right.

If any of us go round after a tiff with one of her sons , rather than leap to his defence she will sit there for hours if necessary listening to you calling him fit to burn and even join in with the occasional 'Oh yes DS1/2/3/4 always was an awkward/stubborn/grumpy/insert relevant bad trait , so and so , even as a child.

I luffs my ma-in law she is great.

damnitchloe · 05/01/2014 23:06

Thanks Bodypopper. Hope so. There are such sad things about MILs on what was started as a lovely thread - it's hard to tell!

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 23:10

Threads on puppies kissing butterflies could go bad on aibu.

That's why it's brilliant. Grin

splasheeny · 05/01/2014 23:32

Don't wear black to the wedding.

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 23:33

Or white!