to ask you to help me put together my guide to being a fab MIL?

[ilove]

My son has proposed to his lovely girlfriend, and she has said yes!!!

We're thrilled, but I am also very nervous - I know full well that I'm very likely to be unable to do right for doing wrong as a MIL!!!

So, help me please to put together the MN Ultimate MIL Guide of promises I can give her on the big day...

[TheFabulousIdiot]

Wait until you are asked.

If they don't ask for your help in planning the wedding then they probably want your help.
If they don't ask you to visit their house then they probably don't want you to visit.
If they don't ask you to be at the hospital for the birth then they don't want you to be there.
If they don't ask you to come and stay at their house/ in their town when the baby is born then they don't want you to be there.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

Oops, they probably Don't want your help planning the wedding.

Massive missed out word problem.

[OpalMoonstone]

Yes I think people who are concerned about the possibility of problems with their dil are probably less likely to have problems as they will probably approach the relationship more thoughtfully and sensitively than some of the mils mentioned here.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

Don't counsell your son on his marriage problems when they happen, don't attempt to counsell your DIL. Stay out of any arguments they may be having, what could just be a small temporar issue could become a huge big interference on your part and result in more damage to their relationship.

Don't read into their Facebook status updates, better still don't let any social media become the main way you keep in touch with their lives.

[CMOTDibbler]

DH and I were married for a long time before we had ds, so in those nearly 10 years, the things that annoyed me/us were:

not being interested in our work lives, but esp mine
going on and on about their friends/other childrens babies
not being delighted for us when we relocated for my work - it was fab for us, but they seemed to regard it as an inconvenience
being expected to drop everything for their family events then being ignored
Never addresses things to my correct name
Be true to your word - if you promise something, follow through
Remember all responsibility for stuff does not transfer to dil - your son is still responsible for cards/presents etc

[OpalMoonstone]

I'm jealous of the pp whose mil said "Bags I'm doing the childcare when you go back to work!"

[curlew]

Look, MiLs are people. They get some stuff wrong, and some stuff right, Just like anyone else. When they get stuff wrong, like anybody else, it's probably cock up rather than conspiracy. Cut them some slack. My mil can be a pain in the neck. But so can everyone else I know. She can be fantastic. Just like everyone else I know. When a friend gets so etching wrong, I try to forgive and move on, as I would expect a friend to do for me. Ditto MIL. Thy aren't a different species- they are people. Frail, fallible people. Who love their sons. Just like you love yours.

[ilove]

I'm trying to think what else I do/don't do, already...

To be honest, I really do treat her as one of my own - well, the older ones anyway! She has open access to the kitchen/drinks/etc while she's here, we'll happily take two cars to places if she's joining us on a trip out, and 100% intend to treat her parents as family too - she's an "only" so regarding the wedding, unless I'm asked then I'll keep right out of it - we will offer to help of course, and I'll definitely check which colour her mum/bridesmaids are wearing so that I don't clash, but other than that it is totally their day and their decisions.

Gosh, it is a total bloody minefield!

Babies I will def keep schtum about - she has that illness that the heel prick test as a baby detects, meaning that if she can get pregnant it is very risky - so again, there if they need and want our support, otherwise keeping right out of it!

Doesn't stop me worrying about putting my foot/feet in it though...

[ilove]

I feel so sorry for some of you :(

Shall I adopt you?

[TheFabulousIdiot]

If she goes back to work never ever ask her or your DS why she doesn't gopart timer leave work ness you are going to ask why your DS doesn't do the same.

If she decides to stay at home never ever ask her when she intends to go back.

Don't offer any advice or experience on how a baby should be fed unless they ask.

Don't make a nursery in your house, don't suggest that the baby stay over night with you.

[BasketzatDawn]

How a bout? Don't assume cos you recognise yourself on MumsNet that it's me bitching about you .

[verytellytubby]

I get on brilliantly with my MIL.

She has never judged me, listened, laughed and plied me with wine from day one. I love her.

[Augustwedding]

Don't tell your DIL she might not be able to have children!

[ilove]

Augustwedding I haven't! I've never mentioned it to her!

Her Mum told me...

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

How about treating other people like you would like to be treated.

It really shouldn't be any more complicated.

[Augustwedding]

Oh ilove I meant that what my mil said to me! We haven't even started trying yet so no idea if well have issues!

[stickysausages]

Offer to babysit, often!

[BillyBanter]

Some people have a fabulous relationship with their MIL. Some may prefer them to their mother, even if their mother is lovely too.

Remember that you don't have to have this to consider your relationship a success. you don't have to be best mates or her mum. She may not be looking for either.

Look to develop the relationship you have already, providing it's happy enough.

[lotsofcheese]

My FIL is lovely: warm, generous, caring, brilliant with DC.

My MIL has no generosity of spirit, she has never offered any help of any sort, even as basic as setting a table for a meal. She has no warmth, just talks about herself & doesn't engage with DC.

OP, you sound lovely. Your family are lucky to have you x

[crapholes]

Based on this week alone:
Don't turn up a couple of hours earlier than arranged. It's not 'a nice surprise', it's rude.
Use the word thank you. For small things as well as things like being taken out for lunch. And on being taken out for lunch, don't order a ploughmans and complain it comes with salad
When you've been told to make yourself at home (as you are/do every visit), do not complain that no one has made you a cup of tea. That latter is particularly important when someone has just slaved to make you a massive cooked breakfast and you've eaten at least four people's worth of scrambled eggs
Don't drink too much when your dil/ds take you out to a party. Don't spout inane drivel and trap people that can't escape. Don't accuse someone who has a serious illness of 'making it up for sympathy because they've had too much to drink'.
Don't walk into the room where your dil is quietly watching television and demand to be told how to turn 'that crap' off something you could manage if sober I'm sure, and don't throw your dil out of rooms in her own house.

Those are just some of the things mil managed this week, and she wonders why they're not invited more often

[Gossipmonster]

When DIL is 4 months pg with much wanted DGC2 don't suggest that "it's not too late for an abortion" because you think everyone in the world should only have 1 child (apart from you who had 3 ).

We are divorced and she slags me off to anyone who will listen :)

[Bellybadge]

Op you sound lovely.

Things guaranteed to annoy any DIL:

Don't takeover her wedding and insist and make sure she wears a dress that you chose.
Don't tell her everyday from engagement to wedding to months afterwards how lucky she is to be joining your family.
Don't keep telling her about all the other girls you rather your son had married.
Don't tell her what to wear.
Don't insist on being at the birth.
Don't insist that the first born has a name you have chosen.
Don't expect her to get on her hands and knees and wash your floors when she's six months pregnant.
Don't try and toilet train the 6 week old grandchild by holding them over the toilet.
Don't slyly phone your son to whine and cry about how DIL has done no housework today because she is pregnant.
Don't expect the wedding presents the happy couple get to be given to you (money and all) so that you can have first dibs on everything because your mother of the groom.

All of the above is a tiny tiny example of my own MIL. Basically just be a lovely, normal person, treat her with kindness and love and you should get the same back. I have tried for so any years to get along with PIL's but they are very hard work and just when I think we have turned a corner- they go back to being horrid again.

[Bellybadge]

Oh and I forgot- whether the first grandchild is a girl or boy don't show disappointment. Mine didn't see dd1 for almost 8 weeks after she was born because she was a girl and she needed time to "come to terms with it".

[OpalMoonstone]

Bellybadge