to ask you to help me put together my guide to being a fab MIL?

[ilove]

My son has proposed to his lovely girlfriend, and she has said yes!!!

We're thrilled, but I am also very nervous - I know full well that I'm very likely to be unable to do right for doing wrong as a MIL!!!

So, help me please to put together the MN Ultimate MIL Guide of promises I can give her on the big day...

[insummeritrains]

If they're gay, Lucille, you could still be a MIL. Bizarre comment.

[LucilleBluth]

What if your son marries an absolute twat?

[LucilleBluth]

Yes, but not to a woman like most who gave commented on this thread.

[damnitchloe]

How lovely of you to be thinking of this. I think being aware & thoughtful means you will be a fabulous MIL. My top tips are

• if your DIL hasn't yet spent a Christmas with you & is going to, ask her whether she has any particular Christmas traditions or favourite foods you could get in to make her feel welcome
• I really appreciate it when my FIL tells me how well he thinks I'm doing to work 4 days a week & parent too
• I really appreciate it when my FIL & MIL say what a great job they think my DH & I are doing with our 2 year old DS
• my MIL & FIL come to stay for the weekend about once a month & I really appreciate it when they offer to babysit one night so DH & I can go out for dinner & to have the monitor overnight so DH & I can have a lie in for a couple of hours. They really enjoy having that time with DS too, as does he.

[WaxyDaisy]

Never ever book yourself not a hotel/campsite down the road for a fortnight without asking whether it is convenient/ok for you to come and visit.

[themaltesefalcon]

It's OK, Lucille. You'll doubtless raise a little mummy's boy / misogynist who is utterly repulsive to all women. :)

[AcrossthePond55]

I loved my late MIL dearly. She never took sides, unless she felt she could take mine. She never offered advice, but waited to be asked. She never criticized me to DH and never criticized him to me. She made a great effort to get to know my parents and included them in family gatherings (and vice versa) so we never had 'your parent's or mine' problems. She let DH and I raise our children as we saw fit. But in turn we knew that at her house (when we weren't there) it was her rules, which just meant spoiling them a little, nothing really unreasonable, after all a little too much chocolate and staying up late watching TV once in a while won't kill anyone.

On our wedding day, she told me that she felt that if she were to die that day, she would die happy knowing that her son had found me to share his life. When she did die, years later but still much too young, she told me that she still felt the same way. I still miss her.

[OpalMoonstone]

I got on quite well with my Mil until I had children and she was a bit too eager to share her opinions about my mothering and what I was doing wrong. My advice is to just to relax and be yourself, but if she has kids to think before telling your dil what she should be doing with her baby

[Crowler]

This thread has been a reminder to me that my boys are mine only for a short while. I imagine it's tough to let go. :-(

[ZingChoirsOfAngels]

Congratulations! yay!

here are a few Don'ts:

• on the wedding day do not interfere by trying to cut the wedding cake

• when their first child is born do not compare baby to a very distant and now dead relative she had never met

• when she suffers terribly from morning sickness do not turn up having just eaten raw garlic

• when she is exhausted do not prattle on endlessly about things that happened to some strangers years ago.

• do not make her wait when picking up the grandchildren.

she appreciates the help but she asked because she has stuff to do and so little time to do it in

• if you ask whether she'd like a particular book for her birthday and she says "no, thank you" it's best not giving her that book.

even better if you don't give her a second copy a year later



And finally DO tell her that you love her and you are happy she is "The One" for your son!
Good luck, you care enough to ask so I'm sure you will be fab!

[ZingChoirsOfAngels]

Crowler

We have 5 boys - I'll be either the best or the worst MIL!

And for the record I love my MIL - despite the many things she manages to annoy me with!
And I'm only storing the "don'ts" so I can avoid doing the same things

[Sunnymeg]

Do not ask for a key to their house.
Do not lift a key from their house and get your own cut from it.
Do not let yourself into the house when you know your son and his wife are out at work, they will know you have been looking through your stuff.
Do not lie about any or all of the above when your DIL takes a morning off work to surprise you when you are looking through their bills in a drawer.

[curlew]

God, this is a depressing thread......

[Sunnymeg]

Also don't unwrap their wedding presents whilst they are on honeymoon, though admittedly MIL did this to BIL and SIL, not to DH and I.

[LickingMyWounds]

Don't, years before your son and dil have even got pregnant, declare that any grandchildren are yours and yours alone. Then when they do get pregnant and tell you at 8 weeks yell, "bags I'm looking after it when you go back to work" and immediately start negotiating how many days a week your dil is going to "give" you the baby. Above all don't talk to your dil through the baby in a silly whiny voice for 2 years. Sure you will be fine. I have boys too and I am planning my cruise when they are grown up.

[marzipanned]

Wow, there really are some loony MILs out there.

Ilove, it sounds like you are brilliant already. And do remember that it's only natural that, when families get combined, people will inevitably step on each others' toes at some point. Just as long as those incidents are very swiftly forgotten :)

[OutNumberedByBlue2]

Do not demand that a particular band play at the wedding reception, then use the money given to you to pay for said band (from her parents) to buy your wedding present for the couple & then ask for more money to pay the band at the wedding reception.

Appreciate, understand & know that your son now had a family of his own to prioritise, support & look after.

It's still ok to ask your son for help, just don't use emotional blackmail & manipulation to get it. And if he says no, accept it & of course be prepared to return the favour.

Your dil is either part of your family / like one of your own or she isn't. You can't pick & choose when it suits or if she says or does something you don't like.

If they have children do not try to name the baby for them (if they ask for suggestions or ideas give them but don't put them on the spot & ask they use a specific name because you like it), don't take over, barge your dil out the way to get to her crying baby first, try to feed the baby things they don't want the lo to have or try to teach or refer to her as anything other than the name by which she wants to be called.

Know when to stop or step back.

Don't expect them to do all the keeping the touch, visiting etc.

To be honest you already sound like a lovely, thoughtful, considerate mil & the fact you are asking the question shows you already care a great deal about this relationship - that's got to be half the battle won already! They're lucky to have you!

[curlew]

Just hope you don't get a dilzilla. If you do, emigrate. There is nothing you can do about it.

[ilove]

Some of these stories are unbelievable! I'm so scared of getting it wrong...

[OpalMoonstone]

Dilzilla I like it. I wonder if people on Gransnet call their dils that!

[Bonsoir]

Remember that it is her family, not yours, and that you do not get to make decisions about it!

[Salmotrutta]

I wonder why people never seem to worry about future sons-in-law on here??

My son-in-law is a fantastic lad and we have a good relationship but DD could easily have fallen for some manipulative brute who tried to control.

Sons or daughters - just treat new in-laws as you would your own offspring!

And let them get on with their own lives!

[olympicsrock]

My MIL is great. She has always been warm, interested in me and my family e.g. sends my mother a thoughtful gift at Christmas and asks about everyone.
She does not interfere but is very willing to help e.g. came to stay for 5 days when DS was a week old , stayed up til 1 am, cooked us a hot meal every evening, held the baby while I slept, hugged me when I cried trying to bf and told me I was a great mum.
She sends occasional emails, but rarely phones as she thinks I'm busy but is always delighted when I phone her and is interested in everything DS does.
She is scared of driving on motorways but when I was pregnant and ill drove a 6 hour round trip in a day to help me move flats with 24 hours notice as DH was not able to help.

[WaffilyVersatile]

I am not sure really.. I guess just be yourself. You raised your son to be someone she would love so it makes sense she would like you too!

My MIL is bloody amazing tbh. I wouldn't say we are incredibly close but I feel completely comfortable with her and have gone out to the theatre etc together just on our own and she is under no illusions that sometimes her darling boy can be a PITA and lets him know so when he whinges..

[LoonvanBoon]

You sound great, ilove -the fact that you're even thinking about this & asking for ideas shows that you're not the going to be the kind of MIL people start threads complaining about!

I agree about being yourself, but I certainly think there are some things I'll try not to do if I become a MIL. Sadly they're all things that my MIL does / has done, & we have a civil but not very good relationship as a result.

Don't offer constant streams of unsolicited advice. Don't assume that there are whole areas of life, such as housework / sending Christmas cards to all relatives on both sides of the family, that will automatically become your future DIL's responsibility. Don't try to play divide & rule with your son & DIL - eg. trying to work on her about something your son has already said no to. If you have grandchildren, don't assume that major holidays/ special days will all be spent at your home.

I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine - it's just about respecting normal adult boundaries, isn't it? I wish my MIL was as thoughtful as you obviously are.