Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I bu to not want to go to inlaws?-yep its me again!!

122 replies

Ladyglamalot · 03/01/2014 23:51

Basic backstory-we have gone to inlaws for dinner every sunday for past 20 years!! I had a meltdown last year and said no more.

Dh sulked massively because I refused to host his parents for xmas. We went down a few days before xmas even though we all had a bug. Mil and fil got said bug and have been ill since.

Mil phoned today to ask dh if we are still going to dinner tomorrow-she also told him she was at the hospital today as she has been so poorly(she has some underlying health issues but is also a huge hypochondriac).

I told dh we should not go if mil is so ill-he is insisting we go as "we can't let her down"Hmm

Am I bu to tell the pair of them to fuck off?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 15:29

I would think OP would want to protect her own children from FOG seeing as her husband suffers from it and she is suffering the impact of it on her family.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 04/01/2014 15:35

But instead she's creating more FOG by going along with this

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 04/01/2014 15:43

Your DH is bullying you, do you realise that?

Don't fucking stand for it. You need to be stronger than this, not only for your sake but your children's since they don't want to go either!

How long are you going to let this go on for?

phantomnamechanger · 04/01/2014 15:56

any MIL posting on here that she wanted to see the DGC every sunday and wanted them to come to hers when she was ill, but DIL was saying no, would be told in no uncertain terms she was BU.

any DW insisting her newDH got dragged to her mummy and daddys every weekend in a non changeable routine would be told the same.

this set up is not healthy!

I am astounded that you went there every week even when your babies were tiny?? you are either a saint or bonkers - probably a bit of both.

where do YOUR parents figure in all this? have you got a relly you can suddenly start demanding you all visit on a very regular basis, see if that changed DH mind?

clam · 04/01/2014 16:03

I don't think the OP's listening - she's round at her MIL's house! Xmas Wink

Shitehawke · 04/01/2014 16:08

Op, is it time you found God??? And went to the pub/gym/shopping church every Sunday?

zipzap · 04/01/2014 16:26

Ell your dh and mil that they are being incredibly selfish and can't love your dc at all as much as they profess to if they are willing to expose them to mil's bugs. Just because they've had the bugs before, there's no guarantee that their antibodies will protect against whatever mil has. After all it was serious enough to put her in hospital but it didn't put you guys in hospital so it might have changed into something a bit different. Might not - but not worth risking your dc for!

And mil upset - well tough, she is poorly and she doesn't get to chose to inflict it on your dc. She can speak to the dc on the phone for a minute it two and catch up. She doesn't need to have them there, bored, at her house for hours in order to catch up!

In this instance I'd still stop even the dc thatwants to go with your dh from going, because any sensible parent wouldn't want to risk their child being ill, especially if they have already been ill recently and thus could equally well be at risk of picking stuff up more easily than usual.

And if either mil or your dh complained, I'd just point out that if they loved their children/grandchildren they wouldn't be exposing them to the risk of being very ill again and that to demand they go is selfish and shows they don't love the dgc. Or indeed that mil can't love dh that much as she is happy to risk him being ill too, she could speak to him on the phone if she genuinely wanted to catch up without putting anyone at risk.

And if dh kept on I'd just start every reply with 'oh don't be so ridiculous. Of course we can't go to your mum's and risk being I'll again etc etc'.

This is one of the few times that you have a cast iron reason not to visit your mil (assuming she doesn't have stomach bugs very often) - nobody normal and sane thinks it is a good idea to go see people with stomach bugs just because they want you to go - particularly as you don't need to take supplies or do anything to help them. If your mil rants to her friends they are not going to agree with her this time that you should have gone whereas usually they will probably agree with her.

This is one of the few times that you really really shouldn't go - and if you do give in and go, then you are handing them a great big victory in the 'every Sunday to be spent at mil' war even though you may not realise it.

Take a deep breath, say that whilst you can't stop dh from going, due to mil's illness it is not reasonable to go to see her and thus neither you nor the kids will be going. If he complains, just say that if he loved you, he wouldn't even ask you let alone expect you all to go. And then repeat, calmly, every time it is mentioned.

Of course it's not going to be easy but you know that already so you can steel yourself against it. If dh gets angry or sulky etc then call him on it. Tell him not to be ridiculous, to grow up and think like a responsible parent not a sulky teenager, to stop punishing you by sulking - show him that you know what he is doing.

If you want a 'carrot' to dangle then say that you will all go to visit when mil is properly better. But not if you are forced to go now.

(apologies if I've cross posted or thread has moved on lots since I started typing this a couple of hours ago and ws then interrupted. But doing it on my phone and didn't want to lose all my typing!).

puzzleduck · 04/01/2014 16:29

Watch Parental Guidance it made me realise how important Grandparents are. They wont be around forever.

SauvignonBlanche · 04/01/2014 16:39

Thank you, it makes sense now.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/01/2014 16:40

They won't be around forever

There is light at the end of the tunnel OP.

puzzleduck · 04/01/2014 16:41

HAHAHAH.

clam · 04/01/2014 16:48

Haven't watched Parental Guidance, so forgive me if I'm missing something tongue-in-cheek, but I've noticed a few posters recently advising people to overlook appalling behaviour from relatives/ILs on the ground that they "won't be around forever." One was referring to ILs who were in their 50s!

blahe · 04/01/2014 17:07

Chippednailvarnish - Grin

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 04/01/2014 17:08

They could be around longer than you, then your screwed, your life is over, so is the battle, they won and your kids get a miserable childhood doing grudge visits toboot, all this "they won't be around for ever" crap is just more FOG... They really could outlive you... Think about that!!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 04/01/2014 17:41

How old are the kids? It won't be long before they start making noises about being made to give up one half of their weekend for the rest of their life childhood.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 04/01/2014 17:42

They wont be around forever.

You say that but.....my mum met my dad when she was 16. She's now 52 and her FIL recently passed away aged 90 but MIL (aged 79) is still going strong!

Andro · 04/01/2014 17:52

Sounds to me as though OP's DH has become as adept at emotional blackmail as his mother.

OP, make a decision and stick to it.

Caitlin17 · 05/01/2014 00:40

For what it's worth even if you are resigned to going there almost every weekend I think it's incredibly selfish of you, your husband and your mother - in - law to impose this on your children.

Fairenuff · 05/01/2014 11:39

Well, today's the day OP.

Who is going to visit MIL? Is it just dh or all of you, is it one child, both or none?

And what will happen next Sunday. And the one after that. And all the other Sundays?

You must dread your weekends. I couldn't live like this,, I just couldn't, it would have to change. It must feel like a big black cloud over your head Sad

Are you ok?

bringbacksideburns · 05/01/2014 13:57

Stay at home and let him take the kids.

Do yiu have trouble saying no in general to him? He sounds like a pathetic bully who doesn't respect any of your opinions.

Don't give in . Just because he wants to go you don't have to. He's supposed to be a grown up. Stand firm or this will never change.

Caitlin17 · 05/01/2014 15:45

bringbacksideburns only if the children want to go. I don't see why they should have this imposed on them either. OP hasn't said how old the children are but as they have been married for 20 years unless they married very young and had children late the children will have put up with this for years too.

birdybear · 05/01/2014 19:07

Just marking place,...
my life must be as boring as the op 's!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page