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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I bu to not want to go to inlaws?-yep its me again!!

122 replies

Ladyglamalot · 03/01/2014 23:51

Basic backstory-we have gone to inlaws for dinner every sunday for past 20 years!! I had a meltdown last year and said no more.

Dh sulked massively because I refused to host his parents for xmas. We went down a few days before xmas even though we all had a bug. Mil and fil got said bug and have been ill since.

Mil phoned today to ask dh if we are still going to dinner tomorrow-she also told him she was at the hospital today as she has been so poorly(she has some underlying health issues but is also a huge hypochondriac).

I told dh we should not go if mil is so ill-he is insisting we go as "we can't let her down"

Am I bu to tell the pair of them to fuck off?

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 04/01/2014 11:45

Sulking = punishment.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 11:47

Another sulking man. There seem to be a lot of them about.

If you do what he wants OP he will keep sulking because it is working for him.

If you ignore him he will stop sulking.

Which do you want?

Original poster

Ladyglamalot · 04/01/2014 11:49

Yes I suppose that is true chipped. I know I sound like a walkover but believe me a lot has changed in the past couple of years with regards to this-dh does understand now that I won't tolerate him putting mil's feelings over mine.

I am going to phone mil myself and tell her we will come down for an hour but will not be staying for dinner as we don't want to impose on her when she is so poorly.

OP posts:

clam · 04/01/2014 11:52

Er, no, why don't you phone MIL and say that you will NOT be coming down today as she is so poorly?

FGS, man up!

clam · 04/01/2014 11:53

And I don't see that "only" 3 times a month is much better than every Sunday (4 times a month). Or, going on a Saturday, as opposed to a Sunday.

pictish · 04/01/2014 11:57

Never forgot your thread about that. You were definitely not unreasonable. Every Sunday for 20 years!

You are going to come up against these occasions of pushiness about it. The in laws are grimly determined to have your Sundays.
You have got to stand your ground. No one will like it, but let's face it - they are batshit crazy to be doing this at all.

Solidarity sister!

Chippednailvarnish · 04/01/2014 11:57

Don't go.

pictish · 04/01/2014 11:58

Noooo - don't go down for an hour! That's a total cave. You'll be there for three!

birdybear · 04/01/2014 12:00

And, about 3 times is practically 4 times! Just say no . The more you say no , the less he Will sulk and accept it as the norm. What are you, a wimp ?!

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 12:03

Why go for an hour? You will still be susceptible to bugs which was your main reason given for not going in the first place.

Just say you are not going at all. What's the worst that can happen?

HyvaPaiva · 04/01/2014 12:04

I don't understand why you keep doing the same thing - both going there and starting threads about it - and keep expecting different results. Don't go. Say something. Otherwise it'll forever be 'don't want to go so I'll start a thread'. It makes no sense.

Original poster

Ladyglamalot · 04/01/2014 12:09

Believe me I do understand the frustration over my posts-its bloody frustrates me!!

I did say to dh last night that no we should not be going as mil is ill and we don't want to get the bug again. His argument was that he had already promised her we would go and that she has hardly seen the dcs over the xmas hols.

I know I need to man up but I get the guilts when we have mil on the phone moaning/crying!

OP posts:

pictish · 04/01/2014 12:12

Well if your reason to not go is about catching a bug, then you don't go for an hour surely? You don't go at all.

Let's get down to brass tacks. You are having to use excuses to get out of it, rather than just saying "I don't want to go, so I'm not going to."

Your dh sounds well under his mother's thumb..."we can't let her down!"
He can do what he likes. So can you.

AcheyFanny · 04/01/2014 12:14

Just send him off on his own with or without the kids. I don't see what the problem is. Let him sulk, I would love to have the house to myself while my DH is out and there is only two of us!

pianodoodle · 04/01/2014 12:18

You took a bug round to your PILS who already have health issues?? Why?

I can't imagine...

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 12:19

Your problem is not with your MIL, it's your dh.

I don't understand why he has the final say over what you do? Could you explain that because it's really hard to see what the actual problem is.

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/01/2014 12:23

Send him on his own.

I remember your previous threads, and I'm astonished to read now that you are still going to MIL and FIL 3x a month. So that whole battle, and putting up with all your DH's sulking and meanness, has only earned you one Sunday off PIL duty per month, and even then only if you and/or the DC have an 'excuse' not to go. Nuts to that.

I suggest you be brave, use this time as a way to break the pattern and the expectations, and don't go or let the DC go. Tell your DH going to MIL and FIL on Sunday should be the exception not the rule and the pattern needs reversing to 3x a month at home and 1x a month with PIL.

PuppyMonkey · 04/01/2014 12:23

If your DH goes on his own, he'll just bring the bug back with him and you'll all get ill again.

Still at least you can use that as an excuse for not going to see them next time.

pictish · 04/01/2014 12:25

So that whole battle, and putting up with all your DH's sulking and meanness, has only earned you one Sunday off PIL duty per month, and even then only if you and/or the DC have an 'excuse' not to go. Nuts to that.

Absolutely.

ohfourfoxache · 04/01/2014 12:26

Ok, so he promised, but why does that mean you have to go too? He could go on his own.

bringbacksideburns · 04/01/2014 12:27

Send him on his own, you're not attatched at the hip.

He sounds like he's long overdue cutting the apron strings. Let him sulk all he wants.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/01/2014 12:31

I'm sorry OP, but he's under his mother's thumb and you're under his.

So you either suck it up or make a stand. You can post on here a hundred times, but you're the only one who can change the situation.

Bettercallsaul1 · 04/01/2014 12:56

The main problem here, OP, is that you seem to be stuck with a weekly commitment that has become long-term and therefore difficult and embarrassing to break without causing (at least temporary) offence.

I would posit that nobody wants to be obliged to spend a large portion of every Sunday with the same people, doing the same thing, no matter how lovely they are. That is a significant part of every weekend and, as well as being boring, must stop you from doing other things, either individually or as a family. It seems to me that cutting down from every Sunday to three times per month is not much of an improvement! I realise that saying this, is, in your case, shutting the door after the horse has bolted, but it is never a good idea to allow arrangements to become set in stone like this, especially as regularly as once a week - it's totally restricting and must turn what could be an enjoyable experience, if done less often, into a chore.

The reason that you and your in-laws are spreading germs to each other is because of your reluctance (influenced by your husband) to miss these visits even for a good reason - it is as after you are under some sort of spell! It is definitely time to end this arrangement, OP, and I think you know this yourself. It is a matter of voicing your - completely reasonable - objections to your husband and then sticking to them! Ignore sucks, difficult though that is - once he realises you are serious, he'll stop. If your husband is determined to go, let him, but you and the children should definitely have choice about how to spend your own time.

It sounds very much a case of your husband never having cut the apron strings - but it is high time to liberate the rest of you!

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 13:01

The main problem is that you are complaining about a situation which you have the power to change.

Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that you actually enjoy the complaining.

Is it because you get lots of attention from strangers do you think? Does it liven up an otherwise dull day?

Or are you just one of those martyr types that loves a good moan?

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/01/2014 13:02

It would be different if your in-laws were actually nice to you, but they aren't (if I remember rightly) and that is reason enough to limit the visits.

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