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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I bu to not want to go to inlaws?-yep its me again!!

122 replies

Ladyglamalot · 03/01/2014 23:51

Basic backstory-we have gone to inlaws for dinner every sunday for past 20 years!! I had a meltdown last year and said no more.

Dh sulked massively because I refused to host his parents for xmas. We went down a few days before xmas even though we all had a bug. Mil and fil got said bug and have been ill since.

Mil phoned today to ask dh if we are still going to dinner tomorrow-she also told him she was at the hospital today as she has been so poorly(she has some underlying health issues but is also a huge hypochondriac).

I told dh we should not go if mil is so ill-he is insisting we go as "we can't let her down"Hmm

Am I bu to tell the pair of them to fuck off?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 04/01/2014 14:20

I think the point you are missing OP is that no one can make you go. How difficult can it be?

If however the "price" of you not going is too much to bear than you have much bigger problems with your DH than just your MIL.

As other posters have said, your MIL isn't the problem. Your DH is - but you already know this, so what is it you want everyone to tell you?

daisychain01 · 04/01/2014 14:22

Your original question in the top of this thread was:

Am I bu to tell the pair of them to fuck off?

So, it seems like you don't really need the answer to your question?

sad to think you are setting yourself up for the next 20 years.

clam · 04/01/2014 14:25

Well then, your dh needs to weigh up who he least wants to upset, his mother or his wife.
If I were him, I'd pick the one I wanted to sleep live with.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/01/2014 14:27

Op, do you realise that you are in fact guilty of a similar thing to your DH. You DH puts your feelings behind his mothers, hes telling you what you want, no matter how reasonable, is not as important as what she wants.

You are telling your children that what they want, no matter how reasonable is not as important as what their father wants, or even what their Gmother wants...

Stand up for them - they don't want to go!

AcheyFanny · 04/01/2014 14:30

FGS, JUST.STAY.AT.HOME.

Timetogetup0630 · 04/01/2014 14:31

This weekend if suggest you FEIN ILLNESS. Just stay in bed, make some mysterious noises in the bathroom, and don't go.

Then develop a new hobby or interest which can only be done on a Sunday, ideally one which involves the kids too.

Or send the kids to the in laws with DH while you go out and enjoy doing something different.

And then invite the in laws to YOUR house in a months time to break the routine.

WipsGlitter · 04/01/2014 14:32

Why is it mandatory for everyone? Let the child who wants to go, go. And the others stay with you.

Bodypopper · 04/01/2014 14:38

You know what op, you and your dh both need to grow up.

No sensible person visits others if they are ill, it's stupid and selfish.

I would visit an ill relative to help out if they needed me but wouldn't expose my children to risk.

You all sound impossibly childish, you dh and your inlaws to be honest.

CoolJazz · 04/01/2014 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 14:47

I have asked dcs if they want to go and 1 does,2 dont. Still not an option to let dh take one dc apparently as that would upset milhmm

So you are passing all this angst onto your children too? You are creating FOG for them, you do realise this don't you.

of course I realise that the main problem is with dh-I am trying to tackle that but its really difficult

If that is true, why do you keep harping on about your MIL. This is nothing to do with her and everything to do with how your husband sees you.

You don't matter to him, what you want is not important, you should do what he wants because he is in charge of you.

Massive, massive problem with your dh OP and yet you seem to be overlooking that.

GlitzAndGiggles · 04/01/2014 14:49

Surely you can explain to them that you'd like to come maybe once a fortnight instead so you can have family time at home

Timetogetup0630 · 04/01/2014 14:49

OP if this has been going on for 20 years how old are your children ?
Aren't they taking a stand against this incessant granny visiting too ?

clam · 04/01/2014 14:51

I don't think you should commit to visiting with any regularity at all. Go when/if you feel like it.

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance · 04/01/2014 14:54

Are you not sick of this op? Why are are you doing the same things over and over again and expecting anything to change?

If you want to go then go, if you don't want to go then dont. It absolutely is as simple as that. No one can force you to do anything so if you continue to go along with this then really you have nobody to blame but yourself

YouTheCat · 04/01/2014 14:54

Let your dh sulk.

Let your mil rant.

Don't engage with them over it.

Then do what you want.

Bettercallsaul1 · 04/01/2014 15:00

OP, I completely understand that it's difficult to break a custom that's being going on for twenty years - that's why people should always beware of letting any arrangement, with family or friends, become too regular. By going along with it for so many years, you have given it your consent ( no matter what you may have been feeling inwardly). You are understandably afraid of the furore - with your in-laws, as well as your husband - if you suddenly stop. I haven't read any earlier threads about your relationship with your ILs, but assuming you want to go on having civil/friendly relations with them, I see the difficulty of just abruptly ceasing your Sunday visits.

However, that is not a reason not to stop - just to do it as diplomatically as possible. I would still go for lunch, but perhaps go once a month and then eventually lengthen that to six weeks. Just explain (politely, if not truthfully) that now that the children are getting older, there are other things you need to do on Sundays - children's parties, visiting places of interest as a family, swimming etc.

Your parents-in-law's reaction is part of the problem as well, and I can see why you are hesitate to alienate them and endure your husband's anger and sulks at the same time.

However, there are turning points in life, and this is one of them. Have the courage to assert yourself and bring about a happier and more reasonable situation for yourself and the children. You have accommodated other people's needs and wishes for a very long time -it really is time to assert yourself.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 15:00

You are actually doing to us what your dh is doing to you OP.

Not listening.

The difference is that we don't have to live with you.

You do live with your dh and he has been manipulating and controlling you and the children all this time.

Bloodyteenagers · 04/01/2014 15:08

FFS grow some balls and a spine.
20 years you have gone.
No.
You stay at home.
Your compromise is a joke, 3 times a month.
The children don't want to go. You want them growing up to resent you? He wants to go so he can get pissed with his kids there?
FFS NO.
He wants to sulk, let him get on with it... What do you do when the dc's sulk?

The only reason that this has gone on for 20 years is because YOU allowed it. You never said no. You let it become routine.

Caitlin17 · 04/01/2014 15:10

How old are your children? Have you really been taking them every Sunday?

Personally, this seems dead simple, those who want to go , go and as often as they like; those who don't, don't.

MatryoshkaDoll · 04/01/2014 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bodypopper · 04/01/2014 15:18

Also how old are your kids? They won't want to do this much beyond 11.

Your kids will move on with their lives.

SauvignonBlanche · 04/01/2014 15:25

What's FOG? Confused

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 15:26

Fear Obligation Guilt

towards parents

clam · 04/01/2014 15:27

Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
Is often mentioned on here - I think it comes from a book about toxic inlaws/parents??

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 04/01/2014 15:29

How old are your kids?

Because if they don't want to go, and you don't want to go, don't effing go!!

Simples

Door and mat springs to mind, if he won't budge then neither do you

That's how a healthy respectful relationship works in my house anyway

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