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Original poster

To hate being gay?

176 replies

DixieGoesToHollywood · 02/01/2014 10:57

I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.

I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.

I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" Grin.

I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.

I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.

OP posts:
Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 23:51

Inspace, I am very, very happy. I would go as far as to say I've never been happier. Sexual desire is a small part of a marriage - mutual friendship, respect and love matter as well. My fiancé is an attractive man and I tell him so. He is very loved and valued.

Even if I was not engaged, I would not be seeking a relationship with a woman - I am explaining this because people seem to think I have duped a poor man into marrying me when I am snogging women behind his back: I'm not, it isn't like that at all.

This is life, real life, not the movies, and to get what you want you do have to compromise, just as I did career wise. It wasn't possible or practical for me to go into law, so I went into teaching and I am happy teaching. It isn't possible or practical for me to seek relationships with women so I am seeking one with a man.

I really don't consider myself 'a lesbian', I suppose: I have never slept with a woman, never kissed one, never been in a relationship with one. And nor will I :)

'Being true to myself' would bring nothing but heartache to those around me and to me, as well, so why bother? What would I gain? Nothing. What would I lose? Everything. I know people like to romanticise but there is nothing romantic about hurting people, seeing your dreams destroyed and losing everything you value - because of fleeting fancies? Hardly.

Perhaps in another time and place I could have sought relations with women openly but here and now I cannot and will not ever do so.

HereIsMee · 03/01/2014 00:01

I'm sorry that you feel that way OP. I think on one level you might be internalising the hatred but also there are still some very backward thinking people out there.

I came out as a lesbian around the time DS16 was a baby but quite a few people noticed before I allowed myself to be me. It was important in my 20s but now I'm more concerned on other parts of my life.

I think homophobia is very real and alive (waves to my conspiracy theory stalker trolls) I have put up with all sorts because I didn't have supportive family or friends at first. It was also very hard raising DS sometimes amongst bigots who didn't feel comfortable with me being me. The latest being stalked by a few people who believe gays are brainwashed by lizard people. I think it's some kind of religious conspiracy theory. I just do my best to avoid people like that.

Years later I have friends who love and care about me, a son and some family who are supportive. I decided to stay single despite two relationships that nearly ended up with us cohabiting. I may consider it again this year. I hate some of the negative things I have experienced but have to say I haven't some straight and gay people who helped me feel like someone worthwhile.

I suggest you surround yourself with positive people as you can't easily change the views of ignorant people. Also the whole man woman thing can be annoying but some people do seem to find it difficult to grasp the concept if same sex attraction and also the whole spectrum of female identity. Just concentrate on what makes her beautiful to you. I'm not sure where you live but it might be a good idea to immerse yourself in the LGBT community until you feel stronger.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/01/2014 00:04

It's not a fleeting fancy, it's who you are. Why is it not possible for you to seek a relationship with a woman? The OP is doing it, as are millions of others. I, and many others, see being gay as just another version of normal, and this is an increasing trend. And I'm straight. If you are attracted to women, not men, as you have freely admitted, then it would be entirely possible for you to follow that course without destroying anything or anyone. I just find it heartbreaking that you can't follow your true desires. But I wish you luck with whatever you decide

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:05

You don't understand at all space, and I really have no desire to get into it. Please don't tell me who I am: I am far more than who I am attracted to.

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:06

Apologies space, that sounded far ruder than I intended it to.

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:14

I will try my best to explain.

So (aged 32) I come out as gay; I deal with the shock and the upset from my fiancé, family and friends. My dad loves me and will love me no matter what but secretly is sad, ashamed and distressed. My colleagues gossip, my friends gasp and raise their eyebrows, my distant relatives smirk and whisper.

I lose my companion, friend and rock in my fiancé, then I lose the house (can't afford it on one salary) and many of my friends (mutual ones with DP) and probably my beloved horses, as I'd need to move to rented accommodation and couldn't afford them.

And I try to find a woman - how? :) In my experience, the LGB scene is fairly closed off; I have two lesbian friends who only ever appear to socialise with other lesbians!

And let's just say I DO meet a woman - would it ever be the same? Would I find true love, or more likely, would my sexual needs be met but none of my others?

Please, please believe me and don't be upset on my account. Even if an angel presented themselves to me right now and offered me the chance to live openly as a lesbian with NO prejudice, I wouldn't. I imagine DP fantasises about models or dancers but he isn't going to get one Grin he's got me. And I've got him. I really am perfectly happy - I only wanted to post to say I knew where the OP was coming from.

ninah · 03/01/2014 00:15

I get how it's easier to be straight than gay but not how it's easier to be a teacher than a lawyer

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:18

I didn't say it was easier, ninah, I said that originally I had wanted a career in law but I compromised. The reason for this was because my dad was seriously ill at the time and I decided to return home to care for him and do a PGCE rather than complete law training.

In other words it was a compromise based on what worked best for me - just as this is :)

ninah · 03/01/2014 00:20

well it's never too late to retrain Wink

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:25

Except I don't want to because I am happy teaching :) just like I am happy with DP :)

GalaxyDefender · 03/01/2014 00:27

Oh OP. And posy [hugs]
Being queer in any way is hard, isn't it? I don't know what it's like to be gay and face those horrible homophobes, but I imagine it must be so scary Sad
At least I can pass for heterosexual and thus fly under the radar.

Posy, you do what makes you and your DP happy. I actually envy you a little bit, I wish I could have a relationship like yours!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/01/2014 00:32

posy No I don't understand. Especially how you can lie so immensely to your family and the the man you love. Sorry.

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:35

No, you don't, you're right, so perhaps better just to leave it there. I take it that you share all your sexual fantasies with your family then, because if you don't, then according to you that is lying, is it not? That's all being with a woman is: a sexual fantasy.

How I do wish I hadn't said anything!

ninah · 03/01/2014 00:39

Well that's OK then. Like you I have priorities that are not sex, I can relate to that.

ninah · 03/01/2014 00:40

That was to your previous post, btw.

Onepostposy · 03/01/2014 00:40

No worries, ninah :)

kotinka · 03/01/2014 00:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjofarrow · 03/01/2014 00:57

Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time, OP. Homophobia is disgusting. You've nothing to be ashamed of. There are idiots with bad attitudes out there, as you're obviously all too aware, but there are plenty of decent people who will happily accept you for who you are without question. Don't let the bastards grind you down!

BuffyxSummers · 03/01/2014 00:58

I think I understand, posy. I think you can love someone and want to be with them forever but not necessarily feel as strongly about them sexually as you do someone else. One person might be with a man and have stronger sexual feelings for other men but stay with the man they love. Another might be with a man and have stronger sexual feelings for women but stay with the man they love. What's the point in throwing away so much that makes a person happy for the sake of sexual feelings?

DailyMailGail · 03/01/2014 01:00

Gay used to mean HAPPY, then it changed to homosexual. Why not have it mean both?

To the OP ---- X

JollySantersSelectionBox · 03/01/2014 01:01

So sorry to hear you are struggling, op. but please don't hide away. I know people make stupid twattish comments ignorantly but it is getting better little by little.

When we asked my best friend and his partner to be my DS's godfathers the Padre told us he wasn't comfortable with it, and a few family members said they wouldn't come as they didn't agree with my son having next of kin as two men.

We chose a naming ceremony in Brighton. Those that cared not a shit but for my DS's happiness and the goddaddies attended. It was a glorious day. They are the only two true constants in my DS's life - they remember every birthday, Christmas and visit regularly.

Last year at a gathering my Aunty apologized for not attending - she had just been through a handover of a foster child in her charge to a lesbian couple. She was worried about stigmas, bullying at school, no one turning up for parties etc. She then said that in her mind sanity finally ensued and she'd weighed up the risk of this happening against a child receiving the warmth and love of two deeply caring and intelligent women. She said she was sorry for mentioning her prejudices and could see how much my DS adored his GD's. And my Uncle told her to get a grip. Grin

Last month I was on my weekend off at a gay comedy night, at the table in front were two girls in a relationship (we know this because they got heckled by the resident comedienne - they had the same first name too so she was right off on one) They had come out for the evening with both sets of mums and dads. A proper family night out. One of my older friends commented that this was something he'd never have seen in his twenties. It felt wonderful. I was all squiffy, and a bit pissed. And I got chatted up so I was totally feeling the love. GrinWine

Try and ignore the small minded twunts and live your life the way you want to. X

MardyBra · 03/01/2014 01:04

posy. Just out of interest, is religion a factor in your friends' and family's potential reaction to your sexuality.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 03/01/2014 01:27

Aw shit nottingham that breaks my heart to hear about parents being difficult for their gay children. I could not imagine that world it makes me sad.

Original poster
DixieGoesToHollywood · 03/01/2014 01:40

More Thanks for all the kind comments! I am so happy in my life at the moment with wonderful DP Grin Grin, I just need to get over this feeling of being worried and ashamed (I do think part of the problem is internalised feelings of shame and guilt about being gay) and then life will be pretty much perfect.

posy I do get where you're coming from and I totally respect your choice to stay with your DF if you think it will make you happy long term.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 03/01/2014 01:49

"I do think part of the problem is internalised feelings of shame and guilt about being gay"

Oh, Dixie. That makes me so sad. Seriously - why would you feel this way?

Recently I had to explain to DS that some people were homophobic. Having been brought up with gay godparents and other friends, from a kid's perspective there was no reason for prejudice. He just knew some couple who were a man/woman combination, others who were same sex and accepted that. He was gobsmacked when I had to explain a reference in a TV programme, and his reasoning is so sound, I was sad that I had to introduce him finally to adult prejudice. There is no reason whatsoever for shame. Any shame has come from bigots.

I have had Wine and am rambling, but hopefully this makes sense.