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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate being gay?

176 replies

DixieGoesToHollywood · 02/01/2014 10:57

I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.

I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.

I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" Grin.

I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.

I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.

OP posts:
Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 18:59

It is for some Nottingham - I don't have a very high sex drive so for me personally it is not.

kennyp · 02/01/2014 19:02

i;m so sorry you feel this way. like other people have said - it could be a generation thing? a girl i know and her partner have had a baby (for e.g.) but my friends mum always says "nicky and her ... friend ... are bringing the baby over". even though i know nicky plus friend plus baby.

i hope it helps you a bit that you've written it down here? or other places too? these narrow minded homophobic knobheads can just piss off. although unfortunately the gits are bloody everywhere.

saintlyjimjams · 02/01/2014 19:04

Treat your sexuality as a decent person filter. Anyone who is bothered by you being gay isn't worth knowing.

Aussiemum78 · 02/01/2014 19:05

I'm surprised that so much intolerance still exists. I think where I live is mostly tolerant.

Onepostposy. One of my friends was in a relationship with a (secretly) gay man. She knew something wasn't right, but had no idea why. It destroyed her self esteem and broke her heart that he lied to her. I understand your dilemma but it's unfair to dupe your fiancé. Don't come out if you don't want to, but please dont get married.

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 19:07

This is why it's something I never talk about. My fiancé and I are very happy, I think I had better hide the thread now as I know people are trying to help. But I have never slept with a woman and nor will I, as far as the world is concerned I am a heterosexual woman and truth be told that's largely how I see myself, if that makes any sense. It's just deep inside of me I sometimes feel sexual desire for a woman in a way I don't for men. That is not something I'm going to sacrifice my future over.

saintlyjimjams · 02/01/2014 19:13

Wrt societies expectations have a google of heteronormativity - you might find it interesting. Celia Kitzinger's group have published quite a lot in this area.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 02/01/2014 19:55

I don't blame you for hating it, because people can be so judgmental over the stupidest of things.

What I can say though is if you weren't gay it would be something else as there is always something someone is going to pick on you for, no matter what.

Ginger hair? Lets make fun of her.
Gay? Lets make fun of her.
Is overweight? Lets make fun of her.
Is foreign? Lets make fun of her.
Is disabled? Lets make fun of her.

No matter what people will always be picked on.

I was picked on for being visually impaired when I was younger. I am pretty sure people still make comments now but it doesn't bother me the same now I am an adult. It happens less often too, which makes it a little easier to bare. I also had rumours spread about me that weren't true by my ex partner that I was promiscuous and it almost turned into a self fulfilling prophecy.

My sister used to be picked on for being super thin.

My friend was picked on because he didn't have a father figure in his life.

Another person I knew got picked on because he simply looked 'nerdy'.

Some people aren't happy unless they are putting someone into a box and ripping the piss out of them.

I think you have to be happy with yourself and then others either are happy for you/with you or they just simply merge into the background and don't seem to even be picked up on the radar.

I hope your partner helps you with your self esteem.

Hold her hand when people stare, show them defiance. These people don't like confidence. Show it, even if it doesn't feel genuine. Soon it becomes real because you believe it yourself.

CaptainSinker · 02/01/2014 20:17

Poor you, it sounds like things are weighing on you a bit. My best friend is bi and we were talking about this today, she feels annoyed that she has to "come out" when she is seeing a woman in a way that straight people don't have to feel they are making a pronouncement any time they mention their partner.

I just wanted to say that even though I have a bi best friend and a much liked and valued lesbian work friend I still sometimes probably look a bit awkward when I realise someone is gay when we are chatting. This comes from being aware that this dropping in "I am gay" comments can be awkward, so I feel hyper-aware of not wanting to make that person feel awkward so I probably have a flash of "am I making them feel comfortable?" panic... causing awkwardness! I am just rambling on to show that those awkward moments may come from a good place. It is just a bit shit that people still have to "come out"...

My colleague and her partner have 2 lovely kids and have never to their knowledge had a negative response from anyone.

EugenesAxe · 02/01/2014 20:39

I can't say much except I wouldn't give a flying fuck you were gay if I knew you, and sooner or later you'll meet some people that are the same.

Homophobia is alive and well and it's operating at subliminal levels. For example, my son, when asked what he wanted to be at the scratch nativity, said "An angel!"; a bit later I reconfirmed (when thinking about the outfit) then threw in "Or you could be a king; we've got that crown thing you could wear.' PIL, who had been silent during talk of angels, vociferously chimed in with 'Oh yes, that would be better wouldn't it? Why don't you be a king?' Then DS reiterated his desire to be an angel and I went off to rustle up a costume. DD wanted to be a shepherd.

I keep thinking that it's fairly well agreed that sexuality is nature, and if any of my children ARE gay, I do not want them growing up thinking what they like and value is 'wrong'. It must lead to a crippling lack of self-worth.

EugenesAxe · 02/01/2014 20:44

Although to be fair I've been a bit prejudiced by implying that gay boys will like more traditionally girly things, which of course may not be the case.

SolemnHour · 02/01/2014 20:45

Op, sorry to hear you feel this way, just want to say I know it's not the same at all but I only realised a year ago that I was bisexual I'd spent a long time wishing it away, denying my attraction to women, OK its much easier for me as to the outside world I look straight I'm married with children but I'm more gay than bi ifykwim, my attraction is mainly to women and I hate that. only my husband knows I'm bi and I can't imagine sharing it with anyone else from what I've seen and heard a lot of women dislike bisexuals in case they fancy them it changes the dynamics of frienships. I do love my husband though emotionally he is what I need, the family set up is what I need and we have a good sex life but he's the only man I would be interested in, like a pp said for everything else there is fantasy but its crippling at times.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 02/01/2014 21:02

Gimme, I have a bi friend who is ginger, overweight and struggles with RSI which means she has a lot of pain and time off work. Her self-confidence is very low. Sad I love her to bits and she's one of the nicest, kindest and most intelligent people I know. She's never had a partner of either sex and I'm pretty sure she's never been kissed, even (she's 30 now). I really hope she meets someone someday soon and gets a bit of well-deserved happiness. She'd like kids and she'd be an amazing mother.

You're absolutely right that people pick a label and use it to lambast someone. She has had abuse shouted at her in the street for the way she looks. Whether it's for being ginger, or having the audacity to jog when she's a larger woman with big boobs, or for wearing mannish clothes and therefore wankers assume she's gay and shout 'dyke'...arseholes pick something and shout it at her. Angry She really is gorgeous and has the most amazing hair. I want to change the world too, OP!

FryOneFatManic · 02/01/2014 21:39

I hope I am managing to instil in my children that being gay is as normal as being straight, and that tolerance is so, so important.

As a straight person myself, i do worry that I might get it wrong, in how I teach my DCs. But they've had a few good role models, including the deputy head at their primary school, who's such a lovely bloke.

But hopefully, they'll pick up on my attitude that I don't care if someone is gay or straight because it's none of my business. If a person is nice, I'll like them, if they're not nice, I won't. But being nice or not doesn't have anything to do with someone's sexuality, so I don't really see that it's relevant. I treat people as I personally would want to be treated: fairly.

OP I am sorry you are having a hard time of it, I sincerely hope you can find a way to come to terms with it. You and your DP sound nice and would certainly be welcomed in my home, and the homes of my friends. Not all straight people are nasty about gay people. Smile

LaGuardia · 02/01/2014 21:47

Thankfully not everyone is as cruel as the nasty people you have encountered. Hopefully when you do have children, the new circles you will move it will be more accepting. Good luck.

Ev1lEdna · 02/01/2014 22:05

What I can say though is if you weren't gay it would be something else as there is always something someone is going to pick on you for, no matter what.
Ginger hair? Lets make fun of her.
Gay? Lets make fun of her.
Is overweight? Lets make fun of her.
Is foreign? Lets make fun of her.
Is disabled? Lets make fun of her.
No matter what people will always be picked on

It's so true and so sad. Really we should feel sorry for people that they need to be this way towards others but the reality is this crap hurts, even if you know people judge and are cruel.

But, OP, it isn't actually everyone and some people will be happy to know about your life and relationship and be happy for you. I can't stand homophobia or any other kind of prejudice it is unpleasant and unnecessary and I felt so sad for you reading your initial post. You have someone you love and who loves you back and you should never feel bad about that. As you can see from this thread Dixie there are so many people in the world who really don't feel the hatred and just want people to be allowed to be happy in their own way.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 02/01/2014 22:43

Oh I am so sorry that you are the victim of such prejudice. Ignorant fucking bigoted assholes.
I hope that yours and my children will be the first generation to whom such prejudice is just utterly bizarre and not something which is ever EVER accepted by the society in which they live. Fingers crossed, eh? In the meantime I hope you find a way to surround yourself by people with who don't see homosexuality as something to be accepted and tolerated but just another type of sexuality within the range of totally normal and wonderful. People like that are out there. We are, I promise.

Catsize · 02/01/2014 23:07

We are two women raising children in a small northern village. We have been very lucky with 99% of folk here. We still wouldn't hold hands in public etc. though. And only just getting to be okay checking into hotels etc. Until we feel we can hold hands in the street, I guess there is a way to go.
posy, the deceit to your future husband is awful. Suspect most women on here would say they wished their husbands had been honest with them about their homosexuality than 'fantasised' about sleeping with men when making love to them, if in fact it turned out they were gay. I know what you are saying, but actually you are being quite selfish (dare I say cowardly?). Better to be single and not upset your parents than deceive this poor unsuspecting chap. Can only hope you are not having a church wedding or something! When I was in my early 20s, an older person said you should never compromise re:who you marry. Pretty sound advice. One day you will be swept off your feet by a woman and you may have kids by then. Please think so carefully about this.
OP, not sure how old you are, but things get better and easier as you get older and more confident in who you are. I found coming out very very hard. To myself was the hardest. And as someone said upthread, you have to come out almost daily after that, to all sorts if random people. We are going to have to start correcting those who think we are friends, sisters, mother and daughter (?!) pretty soon, or the children will wonder why we don't and what there might be to be ashamed of.

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 23:13

The 'poor unsuspecting chap' is a man I love and who loves me. We are happy. Our marriage will be a happy one.

I will never be swept off my feet by anybody - I rarely meet any gay women, and I'm hardly going to be looking. I certainly wouldn't wreck my children's lives by walking off into the sunset with a woman, if I wanted to do that I'd be looking now, I don't want to.

It isn't just because of my dad. He is a big consideration yes, but there are hundreds of other factors, which I won't bother going into.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 23:19

There is still homophobia, but there are also lots and lots of us who don't think ANY differently of a gay couple than a straight one. And lots of us are constantly reminding other people that being gay is no different to other differences in people, such as hair colour, and that gay people are normal too. So lots of a straight people are there supporting you and sticking up for you, even if you don't know it

tanukiton · 02/01/2014 23:28

Saintly's 'Treat your as a decent person filter. Anyone who is bothered by ** isn't worth knowing.' This works on soo many levels. Less ignorant people in your life.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 23:30

posy I feel for you but I can't agree that you're doing the right thing. This decision could ruin the rest of your life and the rest of your husband's life. Living a lie is NEVER a good idea. You're a lesbian. That's fine! You shouldn't have to lose your job, friends or home. There's more support out there than you think.

ChestyNutRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 02/01/2014 23:31

Dreadful that homophobia still exists.
Think my area is very tolerant of others sexuality.

Who someone sleeps with isn't even a consideration to me.

Sounds like you have a lovely DP Thanks

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 23:33

With respect, it is my life and I am quite content.

I have never even considered coming out as a lesbian - I don't consider myself to be gay, at all. I love my fiancé but I do not find him or any other man for that matter sexually attractive.

I have no desire to marry, set up home with or seek a relationship with a woman.

notthefirstagainstthewall · 02/01/2014 23:43

TBH in a society that still thinks fat/hairy legs/armpits/pubes on a women are crimes against society you haven't got much of a hope.
Best bet is to do what feels right . No one wants to know someone who has an agenda.
Be yourself, do it well and people will accept you.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 23:43

posy of course it's your life and you can do exactly what you want. It's none of my business, but I can't NOT try to stop someone making the biggest mistake of their life. Is marrying a man when you are actually a lesbian a fair and reasonable thing to do? With the best will in the world these things have a habit of coming out in time, and then bang! Your husband's marriage will have been a lie. Of course I see why you want to do it, but please don't.