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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate being gay?

176 replies

DixieGoesToHollywood · 02/01/2014 10:57

I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.

I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.

I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" .

I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.

I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/01/2014 16:06

Trashcan, I know that school and those families (and they probably include my sister's family too!)

OP, I am sorry you're feeling so up against entrenched homophobia. FWIW, my daughters are at two different schools where several kids have same-sex parents - and DD1's school is packed with posters about homophobia too ('love your inner lesbian'). Young people are coming out at school. It's lovely to see.

I'm not going to say "nobody pays any attention" as that would be a glib lie. But the changes will keep happening. Really they will.

motherinferior · 02/01/2014 16:09

Posy, I can't help feeling that you're making the wrong decision...

Booboostoo · 02/01/2014 16:11

I know exactly what you mean OP. I am bi and it makes a huge difference to how I am treated by complete strangers if I am with a different sex partner than with a same sex partner. Walking down the street holding hands with a man or kissing/cuddling in a public place, you either get ignored or even get 'awww how lovely is that!' type of looks. Similar behaviour, even in a big city like London, can get anything from frowns to comments about what a shame it is to waste two good women like that (!!!).

It is so much easier for me to be with a man, not that it has affected my actual choices of partner, but I do feel for you.

Some places are safer than others. I worked in academia and I found the University environment on the whole much more liberal and tolerant. I don't blame people who are discriminated against for staying in environments that are more tolerant and accepting.

kickassangel · 02/01/2014 16:16

Don't know if you're interested or it would be any help, but there are some serious academic papers about these issues and why you are absolutely right to feel this way.

Queering the citizenship by Shane Phelan is one. It is about how society shouldn't just accept gay people, but should shift its entire self image to see gay as part of normal. Until we redefine normal as including gay then we aren't really being accepting.

MardyBra · 02/01/2014 16:20

"he loves me and he'd definitely support me, but inwardly he'd feel so uncomfortable and upset, I can't do that to him"

Your posts have really touched a chord with me. If your father loves you that much, surely he wouldn't want you to be trapped into an ultimately loveless marriage. Maybe start another thread to discuss it, if it is something you would like to explore (to avoid the hijack of the OP's equally valid concerns). I wish you much luck.

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 16:21

mother thank you I am honestly fine with my decision, though. I've chosen conventionality over passion/desire, is all.

Preciousbane · 02/01/2014 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 16:24

Mardy - sorry cross post, I don't feel able to start a thread as everyone would just tell me IABU and probably unfair to future DH, but I do love him in a way, I just don't really feel excited about sleeping with him.

Breaking my engagement would mean sacrificing my life, I just can't. My dad would support me in whatever I did, but secretly it would break his heart.

PolterTurkey · 02/01/2014 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyOBE · 02/01/2014 16:59

Not easy being LGBT. Especially if you're not one of the fashionable ones.

But things are getting easier and easier.

Big hugs hun.

Original poster

DixieGoesToHollywood · 02/01/2014 17:11

posy I really do see your point because I've considered doing what you're doing myself, many times. I've been in relationships with nice men I didn't love and I'd kind of accepted that was how life was going to be.

Then I met my amazing DP and honestly I couldn't be happier, because whilst I believe the outside world is very tough and I do struggle with it a lot, I try to remember that the most important thing is the person I will getting into bed with every night and raising children with and I am very very lucky in that my DP is ace. Honestly, she is absolutely amazing, the kindest, funniest most gorgeous person I've ever met and she treats me like an absolute queen.

Please be a little bit selfish and make the right decision for you.

OP posts:

Original poster

DixieGoesToHollywood · 02/01/2014 17:12

Oh I do live in a big city with a lot of gay friends which does help a bit! Still get the jitters when I have to step outside the community though!

OP posts:

GrumpyRedhead · 02/01/2014 17:21

One, just wanted to quickly offer some support, my situation isn't a million miles from yours and I figure knowing you aren't the only one to have made that choice might help

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 17:23

Thank you Don't think though that I secretly cry at night, I really am happy with the choices I have made and the life I have.

I wanted to be a lawyer when I was at school but I couldn't pursue that career for a myriad of complex reasons, so I went into teaching instead. I've done well at it and am happy with that choice - this is similar, I suppose. :)

snowed · 02/01/2014 17:32

Some narrow-minded people think it's OK to spout verbal abuse to anyone who doesn't fit one of the few pigeonholes in their tiny minds.

It's not you, it's them

ColinButterfly · 02/01/2014 17:40

It's lovely you've found happiness in your relationship and I hope it spills over into your overall well being.

I personally don't think it's about blending in as about less segregation/division really so your being out can help that. I have had a couple of flings with women. I thought I would really freak out about it, but I didn't, I enjoyed them and realised I like men and women. At this time I would have a relationship with a woman but I never meet any because I don't do the scene and have no desire to. I live in a city and have my favourite pubs and bars but they aren't the ones my lesbian and gay friends go to - and those ones are horrible and the kinds of places I've been had a go at for applying lipgloss as I am a typically feminine type and am drawn to feminine types myself (I'm being v clumsy here, sorry). So I don't think you've anything to hate yourself for, I think what you have sounds lovely. I'll keep on with the boys for now.

I'm glad you started this thread and I think I saw another one from you earlier because there's not much traffic in the lesbian/gay boards and I don't do lesbian forums because I find them a bit limiting in terms of being defined in such a whole hearted way by sexuality.

NottinghamLass · 02/01/2014 18:03

Colin, if you want to meet other lesbians or biwomen, you need to socialise where they do. Most cities have women only sports groups that have a lot of lesbians and bi women involved or cafe or pub nights. Ring up your local switchboard and ask them. If you are in Nottingham pm me.

Many lesbians don't like or go to gay pubs and bars, there are in cities always alternatives.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 02/01/2014 18:25

Posy I just want to give you a hug, it must be very hard to suppress a strong emotional need.

I hope one day you will find the courage to allow your self the relationship with someone who is right for you.

32flavours · 02/01/2014 18:29

Op I'm sorry you feel this way. I do think the more "out" you are the easier it is though, even though initially it's a hard thing to do. I've found that being completely open with people has allowed me to experience more acceptance and in turn made me more accepting of myself. Yes occasionally when I'm walking down the street holding my dp's hand some idiot may shout something homophobic at us. In the past it would really upset me, but now it's honestly water off a duck's back. Having received an overwhelming amount of support from friends, family, colleagues and strangers, I am able to dismiss the odd homophobe as an anomaly in an otherwise accepting and tolerant society.

HermioneWeasley · 02/01/2014 18:31

I am sure I've been the subject of some pretty unpleasant comments behind my back, but I have had to come out over and over again at work because nobody seems to find it interesting enough to discuss.

You need to get to a place where you just don't care what others will think or say. My DM is fine, my DF is a massive cunt about it still and PIL just don't talk about it!

We have DCs at school (primary) and no issues so far. We are also part of a rainbow family network

Good luck on your journey

neunundneunzigluftballons · 02/01/2014 18:48

Posey my good male friend was terrified coming out to his parents. Dad is a man's man and had made disparaging remarks in the past. His mum said she always knew and his dad took a while to get his head around it but was always totally accepting. It is amazing what love for a child does.

Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 18:52

I know he would accept me. It isn't that I'm worried about.

It's that he would secretly, quietly, be unhappy and worried, and besides it isn't just my dad. It's my fiancé, my future children, my work, friends and home.

I would lose them all and I don't WANT to lose them all, I am happy, the only area of my life that is 'unfulfilled' is sexual. And I can fantasise

I doubt I'd meet a woman anyway, I've never so much as kissed a woman and I am honestly content with things as they are, I guess it depends on how important sex is to you and to be honest it isn't as important as all that to me.

NottinghamLass · 02/01/2014 18:52

I am glad to hear that neun. It is lovely when that happens and it has happened to friends of mine. But some parents do reject their children when they tell they are lesbian or gay. Not all accept it.

NottinghamLass · 02/01/2014 18:53

Isn't being unfulfilled sexually a pretty important area in a relationship?

WilsonFrickett · 02/01/2014 18:55

You must have seen the Ash Beckham Ted talk?

If not, it's worth a look. I know it's hard. I wish it wasn't. But I hope that you do know behind every loudmouth bigot are a hundred more people who actually don't give a shiny shit what you do in bed and who would be cheering you on if they knew you. Keep on keeping on OP.

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