To hate being gay?

[DixieGoesToHollywood]

I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.

I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.

I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" .

I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.

I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.

Oh honey, this is not a nice way to feel about yourself. You don't deserve to feel like this and you CAN do something about it. Attack this destructive way of seeing yourself, it is harmful.

Hate the feeling not the situation. Wouldn't you rather know you can be happy in a "less than ideal" situation instead of just changing the situation? Personally that would give me more confidence.

Be gay and proud because it's entirely fine to be gay and anyone who doesn't think so shouldn't be listened to.

I'm bi but lean much more towards women and spent a good few years hating the fact that eventually I'd have to face up to what I was, and never quite admitting it. In fact I remember hiding it and being ashamed of it as young as five years old, I'm not kidding. And then one night I was lying in bed, I was 15 and I felt suddenly so relieved because I realised that I knew there was nothing wrong with it whatsoever. And that made all the difference, I didn't have to hate myself like that. Are you sure that you only hate the negative attention- do you not also have negative feelings about gayness in general?

Things are definitely changing though. I think I could come out to anyone I know here at uni that's my age (20ish) and get a good reaction (but I won't come out, because I would see that as encouraging stigmatisation of being gay).

the husband of a gay friend of mine told me that at his last school [he is a deputy head teacher] they had an assembley about homosexuality he came out as did several pupils it surprised me but in a pleasant way because I could not imagine that happening when I was at school twenty odd years ago[mind you my school was very catholic!] peoples reactions are changing.

Having said that, I was at secondary in 2010 and I'm pretty sure if I'd come out or made any comment about it being okay to be gay I'd have been kicked around even more than I was. Shitty people, shitty attitudes.

OP, I am sorry that you feel this way, but you really should be glad that you were born here and now. :) 100 years ago, and you could have forgotten ever being able to publicly acknowledge your love for your girlfriend. Or you could have been born in Saudi Arabia...

I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian"

In fairness to them, I think you are detecting and misinterpreting their embarrassment at having made what is now considered to be a bit of a faux pas.

it's definitely a harder life and recent events (Russia!) make me worry for gay people.

Hmm, Putin / the State Duma is hardly the mouthpiece of the Russian people. I have never lived in another place where the prevailing attitude is so overwhelmingly "Live and let live; it's none of my business what Mr X does in his free time." They just don't care, as a rule. My colleague D---, who wears translucent pink tanktops and pearl earrings, is the most popular lawyer in the firm among clients and colleagues alike. :) I know many, many openly gay people here- far more than in England, come to think of it.

Of course, it is a different story in the provinces- but that is true of every country.

themaltese - Russia has made it quite clear that they will arrest and imprison gay tourists. That means if you are gay and go their with your partner, you have to pretend not to be gay, sleep in twin beds, etc.

There is a lot of lesbophobia many people are just not aware of. It is easy to see the obvious stuff, but there is still lots about.

Unfortunately I have had to pretend all my life to be straight. I'm engaged to a man at the moment and I care for him as a person but I don't feel sexual desire for men and part of me would like to be myself but I know I never will.

I admire you for being who you are OP, I'm just not brave enough.

Oh Dixie. Sorry you are feeling so low. Most people do not feel negative towards homosexuality/homosexual people, it's just that the knobs can be quite vocal.

Also, if you've had some negative experiences, try and remember that sometimes people aren't reacting badly to you, but feeling daft themselves. I can remember a time when someone was discussing their partner and I automatically said 'he' when responding to her. She corrected me that her partner was a woman and I suspect that there was a reaction on my face. However the face meant 'God, that was stupid of me to assume when she hadn't mentioned sex, how embarrassing', not embarrassment or negativity towards the fact that the partner was female, IYSWIM.

Your mum's question about whether lesbians could have children made me giggle a bit I admit as DD1 (4.5) asked me the same thing the other day. I must admit I glossed over the details when I said that some children, yes, had two mummies or two daddies. To her, that is utterly unremarkable. Also the idea that two women could marry (though she did take some convincing that it didn't mean she could marry her sister). Maybe it's a sign of progress? You mum is asking in middle age, my daughter is asking in reception?

have not read the whole thread, but here's my twopenneth. move to Heaton in Newcastle - it's a very gay friendly town. I lived there with my dp when I was tipping the velvet - I had a dc who we were raising as a couple and he went to a primary school with an openly gay head, who later married the openly gay head of the other local primary and the head teacher of the local comp is a quietly openly gay woman. Many of the families are gay couples and some are two gay daddies and two gay mammies co-parenting. There is a huge social mix in the area. It's just fab.

I've only skim read the thread but I just wanted to add that I think people are becoming much more tolerant than they were.
For example - one of the most loved, middle of the road, friendly, safe TV programs; Great British Bake Off; is hosted by an out lesbian.

Also, I teach reception and a few of the children in my class have asked if boys can marry boys or girls marry girls and I have just answered a plain yes. They go away happy with that answer.
We also have a number of families with same sex parents and no one seems to care.

There are wankers in every wall of life. My husband got called 'gay' in the street a number of times even though he was with me!

Dixie, I agree that it's the idiots who are quite vocal. Most people hearing the homophobic comment will be thinking "what a dick", but social conventions sometimes stop us saying something out loud, particularly in large groups. I know I have been guilty of keeping quiet in the past while quietly planning to avoid that person in the future. Perhaps your comments on this thread will make me braver next time, but do take heart that the majority will not be agreeing with the homophobic comment.

I am not gay, but have in my fairly conventional social circle, gay parents of both sexes, so hopefully my children will grow up thinking nothing of any differences.

posy What a sad situation. Are you in a particular country where you are unable to come out for fear of persecution? If you are in the UK, however, surely it is better to live your life freely and openly rather than being married to a man you don't truly love.

No, I'm in the UK :) I don't think of it as sad, I think coming out as a lesbian would just cause so much distress to my dad and mockery from others and I just feel there's too much to lose. As it is I have opted for the 'safe' life of husband and kids and I half fool myself at times I'm straight but then I fall for a woman (again!) and know I'm not.

Are you sure your dad would be that distressed though. A friend of mine was afraid of coming out to his parents (northern, working class, used to make homophobic jokes, 20 years ago, so less tolerant times). But actually they have been amazingly accepting.

Being straight, I can't imagine what you're going through, but surely it's better to try and achieve true happiness for yourself than worry about what other people think.

Mardy, that is the worst thing, he loves me and he'd definitely support me, but inwardly he'd feel so uncomfortable and upset, I can't do that to him. Also, he wants grandchildren (I know you can have children as a lesbian but he disagrees with this, so do a lot of people I know. It's so sad.)

I'm so sorry you feel this way, Dixie.

I'm not gay, but my DSis is. She is 26 and only came out when she was 24, after several relationships with men. She's had plenty of grief from idiots shouting horrible, homophobic insults at her and her lovely GF, or taking pictures of them kissing. But, in the latter situation, if this happens in a pub or anywhere similar, she informs the staff and asks that those people be asked to leave. And the staff always oblige and apologise profusely. People who are tolerant and open-minded are far more common these days than bigoted idiots. It's just a shame the idiots are the ones who are always shouting loudest.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You do blend in, to the majority of people. But the humiliation from idiots is a horrible thing to go through. Would you consider counselling, to work on feeling more at ease in yourself, and less vulnerable to homophobic crap?

Oh OP, your post makes me feel so sad!

It is not a non-issue at all and homophobia is still around sadly.

I don't have any real advice other than to say, as you well know, if anybody judges you based on your sexual orientation, then they are not people you need in your life.

Please don't feel ashamed... be proud of who you are.

On another note, my eldest boy has in the past come home asking the meaning of words referring to gay people on the playground (he is only 8).

We preach total acceptance and explain that sometimes it's mum and mum, or dad and dad, or mum and dad (you get what i mean) and that it really doesn't matter. Anyway, he's never known differently and is always asking me if I can make friends with a 'mum and a mum' and a 'dad and a dad' s he thinks it's cool that men can love men and women can love women.

So, if you lived near me, we'd be your friends - he'd love to be.

posy does your partner know this.

Op I know it's easier said than done but ignore the nasty comments.

Think I've got something in my eye, DamnBamboo. Your DS sounds like an awesome wee guy.

This is easy for me to say OP, as a straight woman, but I do wonder if you might feel happier if you were more open about your sexuality, rather than less.

At my very large global employer, we are mandated to take an online course each year to detect 'unconscious bias' in our treatment of others, whether it be on the grounds of gender, race, sexual preference, whatever. As part of the test we have to self declare against various criteria anonymously, and assess our own levels of happiness at work. The test administrators then work out at a population level which groups are generally happy and successful at work (the idea being that my employer should focus on the ones that aren't, as their potential is not being fulfilled). So for example I would be in several groups including 'white European', 'straight' etc. Last year I saw the results and across 100,000+ employees in basically every country, the consistent trend was that people who self-identify as homosexual but do not declare it at work were the least happy in their role, according to their own assessment of happiness. They were much less happy than self-identifying gay men and women who are out in the workplace, and also less happy than other minority groups eg people with disabilities.

It's not my place to advise you to come out to your colleagues but I do wonder if perhaps you might get a better reception than you're expecting if you did?

So long as we live in a world in which people think it's acceptable to attempt to insult me by calling me a "fucking lesbian" and in which "that's so gay" is used to dismiss something, I wouldn't describe you as self indulgent, OP.

Forty of course he doesn't

The only people who would be so rude and ignorant are morons anyway so you wouldn't want to be bothered by any of their ridiculous comments.
Most normal people aren't like this.
That said its easy for me to say that as I'm not directly affected by it.
If it wasn't your sexuality this type of person would find something else to be vile about I expect.
Hang in there xx