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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it is impolite not to say 'thank you'

97 replies

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 06:32

Actually not a masked moan, but a genuine AIBU, so that I can make a decision!

I have been sending gifts to two different sets of children (amongst others) since they were born. On reaching early teen years, in both cases, any acknowledgement or thanks dried up.
Not one thank you, either at Christmas or birthday, or for housewarming presents. I would have no idea, in some instances, if the gifts had even arrived - if not for speaking with their mother.

This year, it has made me feel decidedly grumpy that, once again, I appear to be an endless gifthorse to young adults who see gifts as their right but cannot be bothered to say a simple thank you by card, email ....or even a text.

If I stop sending, it will certainly be perceived as an unpleasant stance on my part - so need to be quite sure that I am not being unreasonable to say "given that I never hear a basic "thank you", I won't be sending in the future".
Or have times changed so much that expecting a "thank you" is unreasonable, rather than just good manners?

OP posts:

Moln · 02/01/2014 06:35

They are young adults now?

YANBU, I'd stop giving gifts inbthis situation.

AShowerOfBastards · 02/01/2014 06:39

YANBU it is very rude. Once they are 18 I would stop sending unless they are godchildren perhaps. It would be unreasonable of them/their parents to get narky with you for stopping at 18, that seems to be quite a widely accepted approach.

Original poster

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 06:42

Sadly, two of them are indeed my godchildren

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 02/01/2014 06:44

Of course it's rude to fail to thank.

It's something that takes minutes and has a huge impact. It shows that you value the gift and the giver (who does not have a crystal ball and does not know this unless told).

Having to check that stuff has actually arrived is a PITA too (and that, if sent directly from supplier, it is what you ordered).

Opting out of the rituals of normal social exchange is pretty selfish. You won't change someone who doesn't want to build relationships by acknowledging gifts.

But once you realise your generosity, and your attention to their lives, isn't reciprocated, you can quietly desist.

Madambossyboots · 02/01/2014 07:03

This is rude, it happens to us as well and I feel awkward about stopping, we don't even have forwarding addresses, the gift goes to parents who pass it on.
I will be watching this space!
Edith what is PITA? I've seen it a few times now, I'm quite new and still learning.

Moln · 02/01/2014 07:09

Madam PITA is "pain in the arse"

My godmother stopped giving gifts when I was a young adult, and I did say thanks, it's just the way it goes so don't let the fact theyvare godchildren be a prevention of stopping giving to these ungrateful adults

NymodigFruOla · 02/01/2014 07:10

YANBU. I think Edith has summed it up perfectly.

missnevermind · 02/01/2014 07:10

I send to 3 young adults. Just token presents. Chocolate and socks to the 21 yo nephew. Chocolate and sparkly pen / notepad to 18 yo daughters of good friends.

One of the girls thanked me on Facebook. Nothing from the others.

Sixweekstowait · 02/01/2014 07:38

YANBU

kukeslala · 02/01/2014 07:48

One of my friends had this with nieces, when it got to the point of them being adults she wrote to them and called them on it.
With one her relationship has completely changed for the better! The other has only very recently got "the letter"...

ReallyOverThis · 02/01/2014 07:49

I agree that it is rude not to say thank you. However often a thank you will arise in the course of other interaction- do you actually interact with them in any other way? For the godchildren in particular that is part of your role and if you take it seriously you should at the very least be calling them now and again for a chat-rather than simply sending Christmas and birthday presents you should have been building a relationship with them over the years so that direct communi cation would seem entirely normal. If you are still only hearing about them second hand through the parents then if's time to either up your game or call it a day as Godmother. I don't think that the other non godchildren's parents will be very offended if you stop giving presents.

Shitehawke · 02/01/2014 07:52

I'm going to be the lone voice here, but, it IS your choice to send them stuff, right? Do they actually ask you for things, make gift lists etc?? I'm really shy, and hated being forced to give formal thanks in front of elderly relatives and as a result I hate getting presents. I always think if Sheldon from the big bang when he said its not giving a gift but an obligation!

I do realise I'm odd though.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 02/01/2014 07:54

I get this and am considering waiting until the summer solstice and if I get no thank you letter, text, email, carrier pigeon or brick through window with note attached, I will send a polite email to the parents saying I am stopping it and won't give a reason unless they specifically ask and then I will specifically tell!
I had to have done my thank-you letters by 12th night when I was a nipper. Mum used to spell the difficult words and away I went. It is the most basic of basic manners isn't it??

IrisWildthyme · 02/01/2014 08:00

I was that child!

I have 3 godparents, two of whom stopped bothering with birthday and christmas presents by the time I was 10 or 12, but one kept sending something. When I was younger my mum would force me to write thankyou letters but as I got to 15/16 she took the attitude that I was old enough to take responsibility myself, and stopped hassling me. I was a self-centred and fairly thoughtless adolescent and mainly didn't bother.

I don't remember exactly how it was communicated - but after a number of occasions, it was made clear that a prerequisite for any gift would be that she had received a proper written thankyou letter for the previous gift. If this didn't happen at my birthday, there would be nothing at Christmas and vice versa. She stuck to this and it was fair enough, so for a while she would generally eventually get a christmas thank you letter about 2 weeks before my birthday, and a birthday thankyou letter in November, as intrinsic self-interested-grabbiness substituted for common decency until such time as I grew up a bit more and gained the maturity to actually want to do it anyway, so there was no need for such inducements or conditions any more. She carried on giving me gifts right until when I had my own children at which point gifts started being for them not for me.

Sparklingbrook · 02/01/2014 08:01

My 2 always send hand written thank yous in the post after Christmas and birthdays.

I have learnt from MN that that is probably not normal. But it's manners IMO.

Original poster

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 08:02

Actually I have been more involved in their lives than many godparents ......they grew up alongside my own children, and I saw them at least weekly, until moving a few years ago. One now has her own DC's and does usually acknowledge gifts, although it takes a month or four (just like her mother ... I am used to it )
The others are notable by their absences these days....but parents house remained our meeting point. I actually made the 18th birthday cake for one of them (which did receive a thank you).
I appreciate the reasoning behind the comment, really but in this case it truly isn't about lack of involvement in their lives.

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 02/01/2014 08:06

Well, Sheldon isn't exactly an example of normality in social communications. He is, in that instance, warping the normal social interaction (gift / thanks) into his version (gift / gift). Removing the personal element (emotional/social value) as he does, does diminish it into a pretty pointless thing.

Giving Sheldon a gift was described by the others as a "newbie" mistake. He is the odd, and antisocial, one in the exchange.

Normally, it is about building relationships - someone does something nice and you thank them. If you don't want to build the relationship, or think that the very act of giving you something is so overwhelmingly satisfying to the donor that normal reciprocation doesn't apply, then I can see why you wouldn't want to participate in the ordinary things that please people.

I don't think the unthanked donor should spell out the reasons though. The recipient does not care enough to communicate even briefly (which does suggest that other communication might be sporadic), so just let it quietly die out. If anyone asks, then one line of response might be "oh, I thought you didn't like the presents. You never said anything"

Shitehawke · 02/01/2014 08:07

But iris, this sounds like some kind of power struggle.....gifts should be given out of a desire to make someone happy??? Being told to say thank you is in my opinion, far ruder than not thanking!

ThePearShapedToad · 02/01/2014 08:09

Well op I'm almost 30 and still get Christmas presents from my parents long time old friends.
And they all get a handwritten thank you card

I can't believe anyone wouldn't send one to be fair. But yes, it annoys me when I send presents to my young cousins and don't even get a text message acknowledgment.

In my head I mutter "not brought up the right way"

ThePearShapedToad · 02/01/2014 08:12

And as a side note- my parents note who had sent them what each time they receive presents for birthdays / Christmases etc, and they a get hand written thank you cards also. And they're in their 60's

IrisWildthyme · 02/01/2014 08:12

It would be a power-struggle if this was a situation between two mature adults - and in that case it would be better for no gifts to be exchanged. I was a thoughtless and selfish teen, and my godmother was taking seriously her promises to help support my parents in my upbringing. I think it would have been irresponsible to continue sending gifts to a young adult who never showed gratitude - that would teach a sense of entitlement. If she hadn't taken this stand, maybe it would have taken me much longer to learn how to be polite and gracious when receiving gifts. I am grateful to her and think it was exactly the right thing to do.

Sparklingbrook · 02/01/2014 08:13

How long does it take to do a quick email or text?

superbagpuss · 02/01/2014 08:14

we were made the write thank you cards for presents until we were teens and then I did it anyway as it was a nice thing to do

now my DC (4) write their name on a card I prepared and then post

if one of them complains we tell them that if they don't do thank you cards it is rude and they won't be sent anymore presents

we only do cards for anyone they haven't been able to thank in person

I'm hoping if its a consistent now then they will always do it

olivo · 02/01/2014 08:21

I'm the same as bagpuss. Dd (4) adds her name and a picture to a card I write, and Dd(7) writes a little letter. Only to people we didn't thank at the time, so usually only about 8 sets of people.

I have fond memories of spending Boxing day using up the new notelets/ writing paper I had received for Christmas, writing thank yous!!

Original poster

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 08:21

It really has nothing to do with a power struggle!

From my perspective, and I suspect for many others, it is about usual practice of gifting to children you are close to at Christmas & birthdays ....backed by traditions, family dynamics, and some degree of feeling obligated. Love and generosity are in the care and attention given to choosing the gifts.

If the concept of thanking people has undergone a generational shift, and consensus is that no thanks are required because the donor should just feel pleased to have given, then my original question is easily answered and I shall feel no angst about stopping.

Does it leave me a little appalled that people think receiving requires no acknowledgement? Stunned, actually.
Do I think it will cause an almighty upset when gifts don't arrive from now on? Totally......because the parents certainly have an expectation, even if the 'children' may not feel entitled.

OP posts:

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