To think that it is impolite not to say 'thank you'

[RedactedEdition]

Actually not a masked moan, but a genuine AIBU, so that I can make a decision!

I have been sending gifts to two different sets of children (amongst others) since they were born. On reaching early teen years, in both cases, any acknowledgement or thanks dried up.
Not one thank you, either at Christmas or birthday, or for housewarming presents. I would have no idea, in some instances, if the gifts had even arrived - if not for speaking with their mother.

This year, it has made me feel decidedly grumpy that, once again, I appear to be an endless gifthorse to young adults who see gifts as their right but cannot be bothered to say a simple thank you by card, email ....or even a text.

If I stop sending, it will certainly be perceived as an unpleasant stance on my part - so need to be quite sure that I am not being unreasonable to say "given that I never hear a basic "thank you", I won't be sending in the future".
Or have times changed so much that expecting a "thank you" is unreasonable, rather than just good manners?

OP, genuine question, what fallout can there be from the mothers? They can't really ask why you didn't send presents to their children, can they?

I just dont think kids are naturally gracious, and forcing the issue can create resentment. It did for me. I kept the birth of my ds a close family secret as I couldn't bear the inevitable gifts I neither wanted or asked for but was expected to dance like a performing monkey for with gratitude.

When I was growing up we didn't give thank you cards. I remember reading about thank you cards in my Enid Blyton books and asking my Mum why we didn't do them and she said that it was old fashioned. To be fair all of the relatives who sent me presents received presents for their children in return from my parents and they never sent thank you cards so it was probably seen as quite normal. I also remember back in those days that children didn't send thank you cards to each other following their birthday parties.

Dh's family really go in for thank you cards on a big scale and it irritates me. Recently we bought a birthday gift for his niece and gave it to her in person and were thanked. On the way home we received a thank you text, then an email with a photo of child with gift and then a few days later a formal thank you card was received in the post. It's too much.

I send a brief thank you text or email and once the children are old enough to write their own notes I expect them to do it themselves. Ds never sends thank you cards to his classmates despite me reminding him but he is a polite boy in other ways and I'm sure he has thanked them in person.

I think you are dead right. It's not so much a thank you for the gift, it's an acknowledgement that somebody is taking the time to think about you.

I think that expressing concern to the recipient about whether the gift was actually received should give you the info you need. From that you can then stop giving and just send cards if you feel you must.

Shitehawke - I know, it's quite sad really. She was a bit odd.

Dub - I expect a flounce! after all, if I stop gifting, I will obviously have ceased caring!!

Shitehawk I am sorry that your family caused issues for you over gifts.
On the whole, I think few children are born any more gracious than they are born with decent table manners, literate, numerate, or able to engage in polite conversation.
They are all learned skills. Some of which parents teach. Or "force on the child".
I am afraid I will never feel guilty about teaching my children good manners.

My god mother sends me £20 birthday and Christmas. I usually send her a text saying thank you but there has been years that I have simply forgot and time has passed to long for me to be able to say thank you.

I don't really see her, maybe once a year at my dms. She has my number I have hers but we dot have the sort of easy relationship where we text or speak on the phone now and again.

I think Red you are being reasonable, and certainly aren't expecting anyone to 'dance like a performing monkey'.

My DC is a baby, but everyone who bought Christmas gifts for him was thanked at the time and received a text/call over Christmas. When he is older I won't expect him to write a letter, but will expect him to thank people. It takes seconds and is common courtesy.

The way I see it is that if someone takes time to choose him a gift, I can certainly find the time to thank them.

I stopped giving to my younger cousins a couple of years ago as I was fed up with no thanks for gifts. Didn't even know if stuff had arrived as it was sent through the post.

Still send cards on bdays and a family gift at Xmas. Stillno thanks but never been called on why the gifts stopped.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that too many presents are given out to children by people who know their parents but who don't have that close a relationship with the children themselves. A lot of gift-giving in these circumstances has become pure habit and children have so much these days that I really think that feeling you have to buy something for your neighbour's grown-up daughter's child is a bit silly. Especially if you then moan about it when they don't send a thank you letter.

My mum is daft - she still sends birthday cards (and even a 21st gift and wedding present) to the grown up and now married daughter of a (not that close) friend who used to live in the same village as her 20 odd years ago. She hasn't seen the daughter since she was 4. It gets ridiculous. My mum's CLEANER bought MY kids a selection box for Xmas, I think because my mum bought her kids something. I must bump into my mum's cleaner about once a year.

Honestly none of this gift-giving or sending needs to be done. Even the godparent thing, I don't understand the need to send presents every birthday and Christmas?

Maybe it's just me, but really I think present-giving has gone waaaayy too far. Stick to sending presents to CLOSE friends and family, not just because it's a habit or you were their godparent 19 years ago and have seen them maybe twice since.

I have this problem.

It isn't that I need or want thanks (although it would be lovely). It's the fact that I have NO idea as to whether the present got there safely.

Owlinatree: " Stillno thanks but never been called on why the gifts stopped" - it's probably because they haven't noticed. Like I say, kids have too much these days, presents for cousins' children are really unnecessary unless you see them each week or something or child mind them.

Captain: then an email or text to ask is fine. You may even get a thank you in the process!

I just find the need to be worshiped like a great benefactor with handwritten cards sent as soon as a gift is opened a little odd.

A thank you on next seeing the person is plenty.

Sorry, Owl, I misread. It is your cousins, not your cousins' children. Even so, I don't exchange presents with my cousins. I have never done so. I think we even stopped bothering with birthday cards too once communication was done by Facebook.

YADNBU! I hate this. We have a baby goddaughter who we always buy for, as well as buying for children of close friends. We always receive lovely thank yous from them all-signed by a baby squiggle by the very young ones. Our niece however, who we really spoil, has NEVER sent a thank you EVER. I've had to call to check things have arrived and SIL is all "of course it arrived, why?" ARGH it makes me hopping mad! When I was younger we always sent thank yous, sometimes even phoning to check the thank you card hadn't been lost in the post. That's how darned polite we were, and my kids are much the same. End of rant :)

I do think there is some truth in the comment from pp who said people give to kids who they are only very loosely connected to - so kids are overwhelmed with too much stuff and too many thank yous to write, and they appreciate things less because they have more.

as an example, when I was bulk buying easter eggs on offer for school easter egg hunt, another shopper was also loading her trolley - we exchanged a few comments - I said why I was buying so many (it was buy one get 2 free) - she said she was buying for her 3 Dc, 8 nieces and nephews and her various friends 12 kids - no doubt these kids would be getting from GPs and godparents too. It seemed daft to me - "i'll get one for your kids and you get one for mine"

I do agree thank yous are important and am still inwardly quite shocked at the lack of thank yous for wedding and christening gifts I have sent over the years, especially where we have sent a gift anyway despite not being invited/able to attend. even if something is not your cup of tea it is polite to say thank you.

I send token presents (books, mostly) to friends' and cousins' DC even though we don't see them because I like doing it, it doesn't cost me a lot (books are mostly bargains acquired through the year), I enjoy choosing books, especially for children (and who ever had "too many" books?) and I see it as a means of making sure we don't lose touch completely. I don't expect it to be reciprocated and wouldn't stop because they didn't say thank you, although it is nice to hear from them if they do write (in any format)

I'm going to go against the grain and say that too many presents are given out to children by people who know their parents but who don't have that close a relationship with the children themselves. A lot of gift-giving in these circumstances has become pure habit ...

No, I think you are right and that is why OP could stop giving and it would hardly be noticed. If anyone says anything, which I can't see that they will, she could just say that as she doesn't hear from them she didn't think they were all that bothered.

Shitehawk, I don't think in this day and age anyone can really expect a handwritten card, just some acknowledgement that the gift has been received as you may not see the person face to face for a little while.

I can kind of see your point, Shitehawke, but it could equally be turned on its head to say:

"Who the fuck sits back with an 'Now give me my/ my children's presents because the act of giving stuff to ME without reciprocation, acknowledgement or thanks should be more than enough for you?' attitude?"

Hopefully, not many..

I must sound very bitter! But, I guess I am. I never asked for gifts, and resented the way thanks were demanded of me in quite a rude way all in itself! Nothing takes the joy out of undoing the plastic wraps around a new Barbie's legs like hearing a "well, are you going to thank me??" being barked at you seconds after opening it. I do think gratitude is taught, but perhaps it becomes a bit of a burden in some houses!! Writing thank you cards on boxing day seems a tad Ott.

as I couldn't bear the inevitable gifts I neither wanted or asked for but was expected to dance like a performing monkey for with gratitude.

Is that not a slight over-reaction to a simple 'Thank you'?

My pet hate is the Thank Yous I get from children written by their parents! And I don't mean young children, I mean children who have been able to write for some years!

What is the point of that?

Not at all - and so must I! I think demanding thanks and demanding gifts are two sides of exactly the same coin - there's a big difference between the demands we both seem to have had and the civilised approach.

Recipient: "I've got something in the post. Wonder what it is?"
Giver: "I've bought something nice and posted it to recipient. I do hope they've got it."
Recipient: "Hi giver, thanks for the present!"
Giver: "Glad you liked it, recipient!"

Recipient may well re-gift at this stage, but there's no demand either way and it's nice and short. Bowing and scraping over a selection box from random relatives is daft, as is insisting that all your friends, relations and distant acquaintances buy lots of presents for your DCs AND advent calendars 'because you don't want the little darlings to be disappointed at Christmas, do you?"

YDNBU Red apart from the fact that it's downright rude, not impolite.

I used to write thank you letters as a child, and while not exactly enjoying it, it was part of the ritual of Christmas/birthdays etc. Even if it is/was an unsuitable gift (as some posters have suggested) it's not exactly an art form to thank someone for their consideration, or thought, or kindness etc.

A formal letter does seem oldfashioned these days, but the sentiment behind it should be timeless. The OP has said that any form of communication would be acceptable.

Shitehawke I think you are projecting your own issues a bit. I haven't seen anyone demanding worship, or posturing as a great benefactor

Red I would stop sending the presents, and if anyone is so rude to enquire ("Oi, where was my present? Did you forget it was Christmas?" ) I'd simply say that you didn't think they were appreciated as you never heard anything about them.