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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it is impolite not to say 'thank you'

97 replies

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 06:32

Actually not a masked moan, but a genuine AIBU, so that I can make a decision!

I have been sending gifts to two different sets of children (amongst others) since they were born. On reaching early teen years, in both cases, any acknowledgement or thanks dried up.
Not one thank you, either at Christmas or birthday, or for housewarming presents. I would have no idea, in some instances, if the gifts had even arrived - if not for speaking with their mother.

This year, it has made me feel decidedly grumpy that, once again, I appear to be an endless gifthorse to young adults who see gifts as their right but cannot be bothered to say a simple thank you by card, email ....or even a text.

If I stop sending, it will certainly be perceived as an unpleasant stance on my part - so need to be quite sure that I am not being unreasonable to say "given that I never hear a basic "thank you", I won't be sending in the future".
Or have times changed so much that expecting a "thank you" is unreasonable, rather than just good manners?

OP posts:

Renniehorta · 02/01/2014 08:24

As a child I always loathed having to write the Thank you letters after Christmas/Birthday. However I was always made to do it. Now I see it as a matter of good manners. I would not dream of not thanking the giver for a present.

I always insisted that my son sent Thank you emails. I found myself still nagging him this year and he is 26.

It is common courtesy. I have never continued to give where the gift is unacknowledged as the gift is obviously not appreciated/ valued. So what was the point?

MummyBeerest · 02/01/2014 08:29

Yanbu. I'd feel so guilty if I didn't thank someone for something.

A text takes all of 5 seconds.

kelda · 02/01/2014 08:29

YANBU. Presumably they have email/mobiles and can send a text or email? So much easier then writing and posting a card.

My grandmother used to send me a gift and my brother one pound every year. My brother was a bit annoyed that he just got one pound, refused to write a thank you note, and my grandmother phoned and said she woulnd't be acknowledging him any more because he failed to say thank you!

Lesshastemorespeed · 02/01/2014 08:35

Don't send the gifts as Christmas or Birthdays. If you really want to give gifts, give only when you see them. This gives you the opportunity to see them opening them (do they like/want what you give?), and gives them the opportunity to say their thanks. It makes the gift giving much more personal and appreciated. Children get too much at Christmas and Birthdays anyway.

I stopped giving to two teenage nephews when I realized they clearly didn't like my gifts. Wouldn't have known this if I'd sent them through the post as the their mum was religious with the thankyou's! Instead I now give them pocket money when I see them.

Shitehawke · 02/01/2014 08:38

One pound! And his sister always got a gift!?

That's so cruel.

Shitehawke · 02/01/2014 08:41

I still maintain its about power when thanks are demanded. Who gives a gift and sits back with a "Now thank me!" attitude?

Dubjackeen · 02/01/2014 08:44

I don't expect anything formal, but a simple text message saying thanks is nice to get.

DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 08:48

I think you need to cut them a little slack, because I'm embarrassed to say I was that teenager. My parents never made me write thank you cards, if we saw the person whi gave a gift or if we spoke to them on the phone, i'd be encouraged to say thank you, but they "didn't see the point" in thank you cards so I'd never done them. It was only in my 20s that I realised there was a whole area of social norms I didn't do. (I remember my Dad's confusion why was I bothering to order thank you cards for my wedding, he genuinely thought it was a waste of time and money because "no one expects a thank you note, just say it when you see them.")

If you've never recieved thank you cards from them then itr's unlikely they even know about thank you cards/notes. It's something you need to be taught to do, and these threads show a lot of people don't bother.

CecilyP · 02/01/2014 08:51

I think they are rude, entitled and inconsiderate. While I hated being made to write thank you letters as a child - from the age of about 7, there are so many options these days - phone, text, email or even just a simple thank you card where they don't have to write much at all. I would just stop sending if there is no thanks or even acknowledgement, or the only communication is through their parents, even if they are god children. I wouldn't, however, say anything unless they ask, which I can't see them bothering to do either.

Dubjackeen · 02/01/2014 08:51

OP, in you situation, I think I would just stop sending presents, and spend the money instead on something nice for you.
If anyone asks ( and I don't see how they can justify asking), just be vague...oh I thought it was time to stop, or something like that.

stealthsquiggle · 02/01/2014 08:53

You have all just reminded me what my DC need to be doing today

ApocalypseThen · 02/01/2014 08:57

OP, I'm sorry to say this but it may be the case that they don't like the presents - it's so hard to be abreast of the trends/preferences now, especially when they're all so pressured to create a personal identity through stuff.

So I'd stop the presents without comment. They may not really notice, which should really be their problem. Certainly, I wouldn't be trying to please them any longer. But I think it would be unnecessarily aggressive to give a reason and may result in a bit of awkwardness.

MyNameIsWinkly · 02/01/2014 09:00

I have a family member who goes apeshit if they aren't thanked immediately for a gift - I got a wedding present to take home, got stuck in traffic and had a phone call from my mum as soon as I got in the door telling me the relative had been complaining about not being phoned and thanked - I hadn't even opened it with my then fiancé yet

Oddly though, they and their teenage son never acknowledge gifts, never mind thank me for them. Rude Fuckers.

CecilyP · 02/01/2014 09:07

"no one expects a thank you note, just say it when you see them."

That is fair enough if you are likely to see the giver within 2 - 3 weeks of the gift being given. However, if you receive a gift from someone you see less frequently, then it should be acknowledged.

DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 09:11

Cecily - by that point I had realised my parents' overrelaxed attitude to thanking people was/is rude!

However, the DCs shouldn't be punished for their parents rudeness and not teaching them about saying thank you.

FlatFacedArmy · 02/01/2014 09:17

Dont I had the same situation as a child and we never did thank you cards for anything. I remember being brought into the sitting room after a visit from aunts/uncles from out of town, at age 9 or so, and told that my dad's extended family thought we were rude and ungrateful and made them feel bad for sending us presents. I was always very pleased to be thought of and grateful for the gifts but it never occurred to me to write to anyone, we didn't send letters or cards at all. I had no idea how to remedy the situation and improve my reputation in the eyes of my aunts and uncles, and that hurt. I was also very shy and unassertive and while I loved my aunts and uncles I would not have been able to take the initiative to go up and loudly thank them for a recent gift unless prompted (which I wasn't).

Later on in life, I made a mess of the ones for my wedding (thought DH would do all the ones for his family, he didn't, MiL had invited so many people we didn't know and had no addresses for, then we moved house and lost the list while I was still chasing up addresses), and although I've been religious about the thank-you cards for all DS's gifts from birth, it's still bothering me, now that I've caught on to all the social rules that I'd been blind to for years.

Whenever I read these threads I still feel the old shame and a sharp regret that my parents let me blunder on, gaining a terrible reputation amongst my extended family.

EdithWeston · 02/01/2014 09:23

"Who gives a gift and sits back with a "Now thank me!" attitude?"

Umm - no-one?

Original poster

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 09:26

it may be the case that they don't like the presents

I wondered this, so actually sent £30 gift vouchers last year.
Identical result.
The comments here have been enlightening, and I think it is indeed time to call it a day and put up with the fallout from respective mothers

Shitehawk - I do see the point you are making, but is there no room for polite acknowledgement of receipt within your philosophy? I really don't think that years of continuing gifts, without thanks, equates to being particularly 'demanding'.

The behaviour of the discriminating granny is dreadful. However she may have had some sense in ending gifts on the first occasion that she was not thanked.
I rather wish I had, as now have to overcome years of precedent when I have just carried on regardless.

OP posts:

YonilyDevotedToYou · 02/01/2014 09:27

I agree that not saying thank you is very rude. What are your views on a thank you phone call? I phoned my elderly aunt to say thank you for the earrings she gave me- do I also need to write?

sonlypuppyfat · 02/01/2014 09:28

I think Shitehawk sounds like a real people person. I mean who the fuck holds Sheldon Cooper up as a role model! My DCs always get a cheque off my aunt Christmas and birthdays and over the years its really added up I ring her up for a chat and they all come and say thanks its not that difficult is it.

Original poster

RedactedEdition · 02/01/2014 09:30

I was raised to consider that a written thank you was required, but that was in the dark ages, and I do think that phone calls, emails or even texts, are perfectly acceptable these days. As is a personal thank you, if seeing the person within a week or two.

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 02/01/2014 09:36

You use your common sense when choosing a method to convey the thanks!

So you don't thank a notorious technophobe by text. Personal letters (because of their comparative rarity) have a disproportionate positive impact, and is good if you have several small DC, because you can get them each to scribble something, and stuff it all in one envelope with a quick note from an adult.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/01/2014 09:38

If they don't thank you for the gifts then you can surely only presume that they are not wanted or appreciated.

SuckItAndSee · 02/01/2014 09:46

your stance is perfectly reasonable

agree though that it is reasonable for people to wait a couple of weeks for a written thank you. we are only midway through ours due to the 3yo's low tolerance of anything vague pen-related, and I'm tight enough to want to send both DC's thank yous in the same envelope.

wowfudge · 02/01/2014 10:01

Redacted - perfectly reasonable of you. The minimum polite response would be to ring you - if writing to you is too much effort/trouble for them.

I have a friend with 3 DC and only ever get a thank you if I happen to be in the room with them when they open a gift from me. Given that the eldest is 8, I think it's up to their parents to teach them some manners. I have other friends whose kids always write to say thank you or ring and the parents always acknowledge receipt of parcels so we're not left wondering whether things have arrived.

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