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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get upset by people's gender preferences for girls

226 replies

roweeena · 02/01/2014 04:34

So everyone seems to want girls. A couple I know we're very happy to find out they were having a girl 'as that's what they really wanted'. SIL has been congratulated in having girl and when she found out everyone was so excited.

Whereas I have two DS, DS2 is 12 weeks and I'm possibly a bit hormonal and over sensitive but people have actually asked me if I'm disappointed, when I'm going to try again for a girl and have told me that girls stay closer to their mums whereas boys you have to deal with DIL.

Why are boys seen as second rate and why do people seem to be disappointed I have two DS. I love them so much and can't wait to see what type of men they grow into.

I'm just getting annoyed with other people responses

OP posts:

tilliebob · 02/01/2014 10:53

I got pissed off when I was starting my family, as the most common comment I heard at the time was "but you can dress girls up so nicely" WTAF, buy a doll FFS!!

When I was expecting my 3rd child, I got the comment "Why? You already have one of each!" more than once. One of the few times in my life I was speechless!

Incidentally, I didn't find out the sex of my babies before birth either. From the looks and comments I received, you'd have thought we'd beamed down from another planet...

Only1scoop · 02/01/2014 10:54

Thanks Bunny x

Inkspellme · 02/01/2014 10:55

you get comments whatever your family make up is. I even got the remark "you people , with your boy and a girl". As if I was part of a different parenting club or something.

As a mom of a girl and a boy I get completely fed up of seeing the remarks of people who have only boys say how much better they are. so loving. so great. such fab characters.
they are indeed. my son is great and I love him with all my heart. but you know, I feel the same about my daughter. She's not the awful hard work stroppy madam that girls are made out to be in these posts.

There always seems to be more of moms saying such stuff about their boy only families than there is from moms with only daughters. Maybe its a reaction from feeling pressure to defend their family make up. I don't know but I do realise that its hard for me to appreciate how it feels to be at the receiving end of that particular kind of pressure having had one of each by sheer chance.

When my ds was born I grew heartily suck of the "well done, one of each!" type of comments. Like I had suceeded in some kind of test. So maybe we all receive some kind of unintentionally hurtful comments.

BunnyLebowski · 02/01/2014 10:56

Thanks Kew .

I'm an intelligent rational person. I know I'll be absolutely besotted with my baby no matter what their genitals!

I'll get to use my Grandad's kickass name if baby is a boy .

It's a totally irrational fear that I won't know what I'm doing, that DD won't be as close to a brother as she would a sister. That a boy won't love me as much as DD does. That I'll end up being one of those MILs from hell talked about on here .

Talking about it is helping me see how silly it is.

Thank you for not being a judgmental arse.

jacks365 · 02/01/2014 10:57

I was asked if I was disappointed following the birth of dd2 to not have a son, again following the birth of dd3 and again following dd4 so yes it does work both ways. I've been told so much how hard girls are as teens and boys are much easier can't say I've noticed major dramas with them. Dd3 I wanted a girl because having the same gender was going to be easier ie I had plenty of clothing to hand down and dd4 I was happy either way. I wanted a boy but knew what I was doing with a girl so really didn't care.

If you have more than one of a single gender you will always get negative comments.

Morloth · 02/01/2014 10:59

It is certainly cheaper having all the same.

Kewcumber · 02/01/2014 11:01

Cannot be a judgemental arse because I was that woman who said to her social worker "I'd prefer a girl"!

Anyone who thinks that they can predict what a child and their relationships will be like based on what sex they are are perhaps due for a rude awakening!

I have counselled various prospective adopters who have been devastated to find they have been offered a boy when they wanted a girl and have said "the difference between the imaginary child in your head and any real child waiting for you is about a million times bigger than the difference between any real boy or real girl".

TwoThreeFourSix · 02/01/2014 11:02

I'm expecting my second baby, DS2. So I'm also beginning to get the random comments.

So far I've been told

Although one of each is what "everyone wants" it's actually easier to raise siblings of the same sex
2 boys, wow that'll be exhausting
Your furniture will suffer
Boys never sit still

We've just spent 3 days with friends, totalling 4 boys (aged 2 - 6) and 1 6 year old girl.

I'm not around children much (apart from my own obviously) so it was fascinating watching them and their interactions and seeing how different they all were. Yes the boys were more boisterous (except for one) but they all have such different characters, it was lovely.

I will admit to being a bit disappointed that DS2 was not a DD, but only because I grew up in a 2 sibling household (like we're planning) with an older brother and it was fantastic, so subconsciously I wanted to reproduce that. The rational part of my brain knows thats just stupid, as my children will not be like me and my DB, regardless of sex! They'll be their own little characters.

At the end of the day, I'm just happy we're having a second child.

CeQueLEnfer · 02/01/2014 11:08

OP, I think you are right and it annoys me also.

Athough a friend of mine did gender selection for a girl, but then she already had 7 boys. In that instance, I can totally understand it.

jollygoose · 02/01/2014 11:14

as a gm I really wanted girls and now we have 2 boys I wonder why I could ever have thought this. Our 2 boys are the dearest most lovable little boys and we couldnt love them any more than we do - and would we swop them for girls never in a million years!

pigletmania · 02/01/2014 11:15

I secretly wanted another girl, and was a but disappointed at te 20 week scan, but assoon as ds was placed in my arms, it was love at first sight. Heis 2 now and a gorgeous little boy, when h outs his rms round me for a hg, I melt

monicalewinski · 02/01/2014 11:15

I just wanted 2 the same, no gender preference. I have 2 boys, and now have visions of being a bit of a Peggy Mitchell type with "my boys" when they're grown up.

I'm not having any more now, but felt a twinge of envy at dustarr's 5 boys. I'd loved to have had 5 boys!

pigletmania · 02/01/2014 11:16

When he puts hs arms around me

Madeyemoodysmum · 02/01/2014 11:20

If it helps my dh is a sib to a girl but it's him who pops in more, him who has provided the grand children and us that go on holiday sometimes with them, His sister has not had kids and is with a man who shows no interest in seeing his in laws so we do it all.

Not all men abandon there parents as soon as the get married.

RobinSparkles · 02/01/2014 11:25

"So far I've been told

Although one of each is what "everyone wants" it's actually easier to raise siblings of the same sex
2 boys, wow that'll be exhausting
Your furniture will suffer
Boys never sit still"

Pfft! I'm forever saying "DD, stop jumping on the sofa! DD sit properly. DD, stop swinging on the chair. DD, if you can't sit properly you'll have to sit on the floor!"

In 6 years we're on our third sofa!

janey68 · 02/01/2014 11:28

I suppose the bottom line is: you shouldn't be upset about the fact that some people have a gender preference (which is what your OP actually says )
If other people are actually rude enough to suggest that you should prefer a particular gender then that's different.

The point I was making is that some of us do have a genuine desire for a certain gender. It may not be rational or logical but it's still a valid feeling. I really wanted a girl first time round. Second time I didn't have a strong urge either way, but I still have this feeling that I'd have been missing out to not experience a girl at all, whereas I always felt that I wouldn't be missing out if I hadn't experienced boys. Now, as it turns out I had a dd followed by ds. But I suspect that in reality I would have been very happy with any combination. I would never assume though that anyone else wanted a particular gender, though I do think a lot of people make silly throwaway comments just to make conversation.

But don't agonise over the fact that some people do have strong feelings about gender. I surprised myself by it, I still don't know why I felt like it but it was a genuine feeling; just as valid as my DH who really didn't have a strong feeling either way

Mim78 · 02/01/2014 11:35

I agree with the majority - looking just at the British culture I don't think it's even genuine that most people want girls. Some people (Mums) do want a girl to dress up, but I can't think anyone seriously thinks it is a big deal. Some people might think they are better behaved but I've also heard alot about boys being easier.

I think there is a current idea that everyone should want "one of each" so if you have two of the same people will ask you if you're disappointed, but it is evidently very silly and not work taking any notice of.

Also agree that we should not forget that there are cultures within the UK and abroad where only a boy is wanted. The reason why some hospitals in the UK (or England certainly) won't tell you the sex is that there are people who will terminate a pregnancy if it is a girl not if it is a boy. This is much more of a serious issue than people being silly enough to say "oh did you want a little girl - the clothes are nicer, she'll be better behaved (patently not true) etc".

ShadowFall · 02/01/2014 11:42

It's wrong to assume that everyone has a preference for girls, based on some people you know.

Plenty of people I know have expressed a preference for boys. When I was expecting DS2 - I didn't know his gender until he was born - I had a number of colleagues tell me that I should be hoping for another DS, as girls are little bitches But then, I also had a lot of people telling me that I "must" want a DD, as I already had a DS.

As far as the "Oh, you've got 2 DS's, are you going to try again for a girl" comments, I've heard the exact same thing directed at friends who've just had a second DD, only with them being asked if they're disappointed at having 2 DDs instead of a DD and a DS.
I think a lot of people assume that the perfect family has one son and one daughter, and if you have 2 DSs or 2 DDs, then you must automatically be disappointed

Mim78 · 02/01/2014 11:42

Oooh - I met a family at the park - the dad was at the park with 8 daughters. He said the Mum was at home with baby who was a boy. Did wonder if they had kept going because they wanted a boy so much. They could just not believe in birth control though as didn't ask them...

This Dad seemed really sweet and involved though so didn't strike me as a horrible thing.

Mim78 · 02/01/2014 11:44

Also - this "the difference between the imaginary child in your head and any real child waiting for you is about a million times bigger than the difference between any real boy or real girl"

I agree that all the same is much cheaper - however now I am expecting a boy I am really glad I put dd in boys/neutral clothes as a baby! (had a lot of second hand stuff, and the stuff i bought was neutral).

Tallulaxx · 02/01/2014 11:47

I have 2 dds and never have I had anybody ask if I want a ds. I know hubby would being surrounded by girls he is not looking foward to the teenage years.

BodaciousTatas · 02/01/2014 11:55

I have one dd, there will be no more (infertile) I have been asked numerous times "I bet you are glad you had a girl" by my sis in law.

I am just glad I had one before all my problems started and will be forever grateful. As for girls sleeping better no chance, I did not get a full nights sleep until she was about 8.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/01/2014 12:02

I have found its more that everyone expects you to be aiming for the holy grail of 'one of each'! When I announced my third pregnancy the most common response was 'why? you already have one of each!' ffs
Then again when I announce pregnancy 4 everyone assumed I wanted a girl to level the sexes up again... How pleased they all must be that I conformed - as though it was a bloody choice

Bodypopper · 02/01/2014 12:03

With 2 of each I can tell you that boys and girls are just as loving/hormonal/sensible/daft as each other.

stopgap · 02/01/2014 12:12

I don't get it, either. Besides I am much closer to my dad than my mum, whereas my husband, brother and dad are way closer to their mums.

Re: gender preferences, I was equally taken aback by the elderly Korean couple who run a local store, who told me, "A second boy! Your life is surely filled with wonderful riches." It was a lovely sentiment, obviously, but I wondered if they'd have said the same thing if I told them I was pregnant with a second girl.

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