To get upset by people's gender preferences for girls

[roweeena]

So everyone seems to want girls. A couple I know we're very happy to find out they were having a girl 'as that's what they really wanted'. SIL has been congratulated in having girl and when she found out everyone was so excited.

Whereas I have two DS, DS2 is 12 weeks and I'm possibly a bit hormonal and over sensitive but people have actually asked me if I'm disappointed, when I'm going to try again for a girl and have told me that girls stay closer to their mums whereas boys you have to deal with DIL.

Why are boys seen as second rate and why do people seem to be disappointed I have two DS. I love them so much and can't wait to see what type of men they grow into.

I'm just getting annoyed with other people responses

sashh, you hear it quite a lot (see threads passim where posters get offended by other people saying it because apparently it implies that a baby with health problems is less wanted).

I think people say "that's what I really wanted" because they are so pleased with what they have got. They love their DCs, they think (know!) that their DCs are nicer, cleverer, more attractive than anyone else's so they can't help but advertise their happiness. It's just what proud parents do!

When I was growing up, I was the youngest of 3 girls, and everything seemed to be built around families of four, and the pictures you saw always had Mum, Dad, two children: boy and a girl with the boy being older.

I decided that two children, boy and girl, with the boy older was the most BORING average blah combination of DCs anyone could ever have and there was no way I was ever going to be so dull and conventional etc etc

Fast forward xx years and I had 2 DCs, by chance the elder a boy and the younger a girl. And I thought it was the coolest thing ever and was completely delighted I had got that combination that way round.

I now have another boy, and now I think that two boys and one girl is FAB and the best thing ever. But I also know that if I had three boys, or three girls or two girls and one boy or . . . well you get the drift . . . I would think that was FAB and the best thing ever too.

I think it's one of the minor conversational issues that show up other people's entrenched gender stereotypes. Or stupidity. Or their inability to realise that not everyone shares their preferences.

I actually agree that in this country at the moment there seems to be a quite strong current feeling that girls are 'better', that every woman really wants a girl first, whatever she says, and then a boy 'for her husband', but that if she could only have a child or children of one sex, then girls all the way.

And I don't think it's any kind of feminist backlash against boys being the desired sex for years, I think it's a fairly depressing response to increasingly gendered marketing of children's clothes and toys, which is forming our opinion of boys and girls being increasingly polarised and different.

I thought I had zero sex preference when I was pregnant with what I knew would be my only child. Not long before the 20 week scan, I was in a shopping centre with a friend and her monosyllabic teenage son, and found myself getting suddenly panicky at the idea of not wanting a boy, and realising it was because of the racks of lovely, brightly-coloured girls clothes, compared to a single aisle of trousers and jumpers in blue, navy, khaki and bottle-green, decorated with cars or dinosaurs I realise I was unconsciously accepting a dopey stereotype. Girls = fun! free! emotional! Can do anything! however traditionally girlish or boyish! Boys = limited emotional range! macho! gruff! alien etc etc. (Not helped by monosyllabic teenager...)

I was terribly upset when I found out I was carrying a boy at the scan. I realised I was being stupid and self-indulgent, and never said a word to another soul. I was besotted with him from birth. He is one now. He has no idea he is a 'boy', or how boys are supposed to behave. He plays with kitchens and fire engines, toy cars and baby dolls and balls. He loves baking and dancing. His favourite colour is pink. His favourite book is The Pointy Hatted Princesses. He obeys no gender stereotypes whatsoever.

He is unspeakably gorgeous. I do dread the gender indoctrination he will inevitably be subject to as he gets older, though.

I have four girls and for years Dp has had to explain that no we aren't trying for a boy and that no he isn't bitterly disappointed that I haven't given him a son Sil has four boys and got asked the same questions about girls so it definitely happens both ways in my experience.

Oh and it's not that we are pleased that we didn't get a boy just that we were happy to have four happy healthy children after two m/c rather than worrying about the sex of them.

I'd like to stick up for those who have strong gender preference, I never wanted a boy, even before we thought about ttc I had preference towards girls in general and when we did decide to start trying I spent hours on the net looking into how you can influence the gender by eating certain foods, having sex at certain times etc and did use the methods.
It took 3 years for me to fall pregnant and when I had the much longed for two lines one of my first thoughts was to hope it was a girl.
I then spent hours more looking at old wives tales about symptoms relating to gender, every one told me it was a boy and each time my heart sank.
After the 12 week scan I spent more hours comparing it to other pictures online to see what the nub and skull looked and when it looked more female I felt relieved.
I also spent hours looking at boys toys/clothes/books etc to get my head around the fact that there was a 50% chance I'd have a boy.
At 16 weeks we paid for a private gender scan and it showed we were having a girl and yes I did feel elated.

As you can probably tell having gender preference really dominates your life and I'd say it spoilt my early pregnancy.
We get told we're selfish, irrational, ridiculous and people assume that we would rather have a certain gender than a healthy baby which is insulting and totally wrong, of course we worry more about it being healthy than what gender it is.
Nothing anyone can say can make me feel more guilty or give me more self loathing than I already feel at preferring a certain sex, people with a preference don't choose to feel that way, we'd much rather not have those feelings believe me.

I don't think though that girls are more preferred, I read thousands of posts on various gender forums and it's 50/50, there are many posts the same as mine but from women who preferred to have a boy.

Regarding comments from other people, I had those too, I'm sick of hearing how girls are spiteful, don't like cuddles, will turn into vile teenagers and how I only wanted a girl to dress up like a doll and turn into a mini me, I was also told that my husband must have wanted a son to take to the football. For every anti boy comment there is an anti girl comment.

It's a fact Broodymama that more boys than girls enter the care system so more boys will be available for adoption.

Without knowing the reasons one can only speculate why this happens.I hope it's not because boys are less valued by some people.Obviously not by you though

I don't / didn't have a preference regarding sex when I was pregnant with DD. I'd got myself convinced she was a boy and was amazed to be told we had a daughter when she was born. Not disappointed though, just relieved we were both alive as I'd needed an EMCS.

I'm now pregnant with DC2 and again have no preference. Yes, it would be easier to have another girl as we have loads of girls' clothes, but I'll be happy with whatever nature gives to us.

I'm very much of the wanting a healthy baby camp rather than having a preference. DH is the same.

baby girls were/are abandoned at birth in China. but we're not in China

And many Chinese parents who very reluctantly abandon their child as they can't afford to pay the fine would be horrified to hear that anyone thinks they do it from choice. Increasingly with a more affluent middle class people are ale to just pay the fine.

Anyway there is undoubtedly on average a gender preference for girls in this country - its estimated that 85% of people who adopt initally express a preference for a girl although in the end adoption of boy/girl is fairly evenly split.

If it helps - the gender preference things, valuing feminine traits and behaviour does wear off in late teens and mysteriously morphs into sexism and valuing masculine traits. Which isn't any preferable.

In the end it doesn't matter, what matters is how much you adore him and think he's perfect but it's not nice when people think your much adored child isn't just wonderful and asking you if you are disappointed shows a lack of empathy that verges on the requirement for brain surgery.

I understand why you're being a bit over sensitive. But the thing is, commentators will say stupid things no matter what children you have.

If you have boys, they'll assume you want a girl
If you have girls, they'll assume you want a boy

If you only have one, they'll constantly ask you if you're trying for another.
If you have a boy and a girl you'll be praised for 'getting it right' even though they have no idea what kind of difficulties or loss you have experienced in the past, or what your preferences were.
If you have three or more they'll make comments about you 'having your hands full' whilst giving you disapproving looks.

If you have chosen to be child free, you'll be told you'll regret it, and if you are desperately ttc you'll be told to 'hurry up'.

Most of these commentators do not mean to be hurtful. Let it wash over you as much as possible.

ThePortly, you have the best name on Mumsnet!

I think it works differently when it's collective, if you see what I mean. I think there's a perception that if a woman can only have one child then it's 'obvious' she wants a girl. With two, it's considered 'ideal' to have one of either sex. People now find it so unusual to have more than two (or three at a stretch), that it's seen as 'evidence' of a desperate quest for a child of the 'other' sex, if the existing children are all boys or girls.

But I think there's still a perception that if a woman can only have one child, then a girl is 'better'.

What really grates is that the emphasis is still put on the genders behaving in a prescribed way.

I wonder if you're extra aware of 'baby girls' now OP, that you've had a second son? I mean similar in the way to if you change your car for a different one you suddenly notice masses of them around you?

I wouldn't say it's UK culture to be pro-girls or, if it is, it's a seachange. I'm 44 now and have three younger brothers. When I was young, boys were definitely the thing to have and my brothers were idolised by my dad's parents. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mistreated in any way but there was most definitely a preference for boys.

I personally think that if there is a preference for girls now it's a sort of 'balance redress' and that IS down to feminism in that feminists have made life very much easier for women, fought for them, been laying the groundwork for many years and now that equality is very much more prevalent, parents can relax a little more that whatever the future holds, it will be better for girls than it has ever been. I know it's not perfect and needs work still, but it's ALWAYS been easy for boys hasn't it?

Lastly, whatever gender of child you have it's not about babies to coo over at all. It is human beings that we're rearing and considering the vast amount of information and skills that they will need to learn that is always going to be the focus, they should both be learning the same with a few tweaks here and there. Maybe that way, future parents will truly not have such a marked predilection for a gender.

Enjoy your children OP and stop worrying what other people think because you can't change it and if you let it, it will really spoil the time you have with your children while they're young.

Because I have a tendency to dote upon and over-mother little children, I was delighted when I had a girl. No need to worry about raising mummy's boys, Stalin or Hitler type scenario.

I think there is a definite preference towards baby girls in current British culture. Unfortunately it isn't a positive redressing the balance after centuries of preference for girls, as it is based on gender stereotypes which have a negative influence on both boys and girls.

And what SolomanDaisy said

As long as girls are referred to on a parenting thread as "hormonal beasts" then I think we still have a long way to come.

I don;t think objecting to people asking if you're "disappointed" having given birth to a perfect baby is being over sensitive.

Agree with Quangle. I have a daughter and rather shudder to think of her going out with a lad who has been raised by a mother with an unpleasant view of girls, in all honesty.

I have two boys and have lost count of times people have said " oh there's always next time " or " you'll just need to try again " .

Very common and had it from all ages of friends / colleagues

Not sure if we will have any more children but yes a girl would be lovely but it's just as well I'm not easily offended as the comments were constant .

Quangle - I think it the pre-hormonal phase when girls are preferred. But yes we still have a long way to come because its only the "traditional" feminine virtues and playing "nicely", reading, having tea parties, being pretty etc that appear to be valued. Not on an individual level (I hope everyone loves their own child) but at a societal level.

I've always felt when I hear that 'boys are more loving' line ....it's almost as if its said in a lame way to cheer up someone up that's not having a girl....

I think you're being over sensitive. A lot of people make throwaway comments and its really no big deal. Having said that, some people do have a yearning for a particular gender and there's nothing wrong with that, and I'm sure in 99.9% of cases the parents are totally happy with whichever gender they actually have, even if it isn't the one they thought they preferred. I was really really keen to have a girl, and I did first time round. I then had ds who I of course utterly adore too. I do have this feeling that whereas I'd have been quite happy to have two girls, I would have felt I was missing out on something if I'd had only boys... But who knows, no doubt if I did have just boys I'd feel utterly delighted. Don't over think it OP. if you are happy with your family then throwaway comments won't matter

It was made very clear to me that if I wanted to adopt a girl then I would wait a great deal longer as girls were so much more in demand. I have absolutely no doubt there is a gender preference for girls based on my personal experience in a (rare) situation where you actually do get to specify a gender.

On the upside it meant I got my lovely boy because he was in the most difficult to place group - male, not white and potential health needs.

I have 3 DS and people always ask me if I want another just to have a girl!

I think I would also have been asked the same with regards to wanting a boy, if I had 3 DDs.

Overall, there is no evidence that society generally prefers girls at all, an d in fact, in many cultures boys are still far more preferred.

I think perhaps you are being a little sensitive here.

I've 3 daughters, I've noticed the opposite . When I had dd3 I was actually commiserated with at the school gates. Apparently my life will be hell when they're teenagers & my husband will have no-one to play football with