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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get upset by people's gender preferences for girls

226 replies

roweeena · 02/01/2014 04:34

So everyone seems to want girls. A couple I know we're very happy to find out they were having a girl 'as that's what they really wanted'. SIL has been congratulated in having girl and when she found out everyone was so excited.

Whereas I have two DS, DS2 is 12 weeks and I'm possibly a bit hormonal and over sensitive but people have actually asked me if I'm disappointed, when I'm going to try again for a girl and have told me that girls stay closer to their mums whereas boys you have to deal with DIL.

Why are boys seen as second rate and why do people seem to be disappointed I have two DS. I love them so much and can't wait to see what type of men they grow into.

I'm just getting annoyed with other people responses

OP posts:

dozeydoris · 02/01/2014 09:13

Hadn't read pinks comment about boys!

NaturalBaby · 02/01/2014 09:15

If you are happy then it really shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks or wants. Just focus on raising happy, well adjusted boys and the preferences will probably be totally different when they're old enough to notice.

I have 3 boys, they're mine and they're perfect. Nobody else has to be happy about it, just me and my DH.

SolomanDaisy · 02/01/2014 09:15

I think there is a definite preference towards baby girls in current British culture. Unfortunately it isn't a positive redressing the balance after centuries of preference for girls, as it is based on gender stereotypes which have a negative influence on both boys and girls.

diddl · 02/01/2014 09:15

I wonder how much our own experiences of childhood colour it?

I'm one of two girls & deperately didn't want two girls-to the point of considering only having one child if pfb was a girl.

PFB was a boy so no dilemma as to whether of not to have another.

Would have been delighted with either two boys or one of each.

PSB a daughter-omg-what hard work she is compared to PFB!

pinkandlilacspring · 02/01/2014 09:18

Dozy, I agree - I know a lot of people who had two DSs then a third or two DDs and a third.

A lot insist it was a happy surprise but I know a LOT of people who found permanent contraception after having a child of a different gender to their older brothers/sisters!

Or maybe they were just too knackered to DTD!

dustarr73 · 02/01/2014 09:19

Dozeydoris i think if you have 3 of the same sex its more likely if you have another child they will all be the same sex.
Its not wanting all of one sex ,im happy enough with my 5 boys,its potluck really.Sure you cant sent them back.

My 17 and 18 year old are great wiht the younger kids.Its funny having everyone in the room together,doesnt happen often though.
Op let it wash over you and enjoy your newborn

TortillasAndChocolate · 02/01/2014 09:19

It really winds me up when people have a preference of one sex over the other to be honest. The assumption that if someone has two or three of the same sex they must be disappointed is equally annoying.

When I was pregnant with DS I found out it was a boy. My friend was pregnant and due two days before me. She didn't find out but wanted a girl and told me constantly that she really hoped it wasn't a boy, she'd be so disappointed etc.

Rightly or wrongly I used to feel quite hurt as she knew I was having a boy and I felt she was saying I should also be disappointed. I think I was also annoyed as we had had IVF to conceive and were so grateful to have a baby and really truly had no preference. I just think having a baby is a miracle and a privilege and sex preferences are best kept to yourself.

TortillasAndChocolate · 02/01/2014 09:22

Oh and once when I was pregnant, someone seriously said to me, 'are you a bit disappointed that you're not having a girl? The clothes are so much nicer'

LucilleBluth · 02/01/2014 09:24

I have two boys, one guitar playing rock star and the other a rugby loving maths whizz, I wouldn't swap them for the world, I never felt disappointed to be having boys at all, it didn't register that I should be disappointed but then when my boys were 7 and 9 I became pregnant again and had a.........GIRL, oh my the comments that followed, 'I'll bet your so glad you got your girl' ect ect........well no actually, she is wonderful but so are my boys.

YANBU OP.......but boys and girls are equally wonderful. It's our pink, dress up, princess culture that is the real reason for the sway towards girls IMO.......some idiots want a little replica of themselves.

Dolcelatte · 02/01/2014 09:26

I believe that the majority of UK couples going abroad for sex selection (not legal here) are seeking girls.

Froblawd · 02/01/2014 09:29

Most my friends have girls and they all want a boys next. I wanted a boy and now have a gorgeous son. I would actually like another boy and could happily have a third. I think it's because I have 2 brothers and grew up with all male cousins so I was I/ am a bit of a Tomboy.

QueenofLouisiana · 02/01/2014 09:30

DH was congratulated many times for producing a boy first (at the time it was generally assumed we'd have more than one DC). What people couldn't understand was that he was hoping for a girl- he had a name he really wanted for a girl, was less fussed about boy names.

I always insisted I was having a boy, mainly to prepare him for the possibility that it wouldn't be a girl. My DM was amazed that i was so unconcerned as she had been worried that i would be a boy as she "wouldnt know how to potty train a boy"! Eight years on I doubt DH cares, my DM definitely doesn't!

We have a healthy, gorgeous, noisy and energetic child, that's all we care about.

MorrisZapp · 02/01/2014 09:31

I think there's a lot of over analysing passing comments on this. Most people don't care really how many kids other people have, what gender they are etc. But they feel they should say something, so they say something predictable like 'are you trying for a girl' etc, probably because they've heard the expression on tv or similar.

It's only really parents themselves who care either way. It's just idle chat from others, try to tune it out if it bothers you.

greenfolder · 02/01/2014 09:33

People talk nonsense all the time. I have 3 dd s. With Dd3 if we could have gone to a baby shop we would have gone with blue. We didn't find out the sex and when she was born we were so happy that we both survived birth and we didn't care less (as we knew we wouldn't). We figure we will end up with grandsons at a point. Most of the people I know have sons,kids should be valued for who they are.

kilmuir · 02/01/2014 09:34

People are stupid and say daft things. We have 3dd, when i was carrying DC number 4 , people would ask my husband if 'at last you may get a boy' . As though the daughters meant nothing and we had kept going until we got that son. Idiots

FrankAndFurt · 02/01/2014 09:40

Well, if you had two girls everyone would ask if you were going to try for a boy. It's tactless and a bit dumb but it's not the end of the world.

I have a rule of never asking about whether people 'are going to try for a baby' or want a particular sex as you never know their circumstances.

Summerblaze · 02/01/2014 09:41

I hate all comments re gender and i have 1 girl and 2 boys. Girls arent as loving as boys. Wrong in our family. Dd is a real cuddly person. Ds1 is a mummys boy but only cuddles when he wants too and ds2 is between the two re cuddles but is a daddys boy. Girls love shopping. No, dd hates shopping. And my mil loves the saying about daughters for life when she is talking about her relationship with her mum and her brothers lack of one. She totally forgets that she is also talking about dh who is very close to her and involved in her life. Makes him feel like shit.

JugglingIntoANewYear · 02/01/2014 09:41

I have a dd and a ds, and am looking forward to one day welcoming and getting to know any partners they might have.

I think you can have just as close a relationship with either sex - and in fact ds is living up to the stereotype of being my super cuddly one - still at 12

People should give more consideration as to whether their musings, especially on gender, but generally on your reproductive and family life, are actually helpful!
Also they don't come to order do they ?!

needaholidaynow · 02/01/2014 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 02/01/2014 09:47

people just feel its their business to comment regardless of the gender of a baby, the size of your family, or even how well they know you....

so you'll get "Dh must be so pleased" when you have a boy, or you'll get "oh no are you disappointed" when you have a second or third boy/girl

when DD3 was stillborn we even had someone tell us that at least it was only another girl. oh yes, it would have been much worse to have lost a boy

if you leave a gap you are asked if you only want one child, if you fall pg after a larger than average age gap its assumed it was a mistake

what I don't get is the obsession with keeping on trying till you get the longed for gender. I know someone who has 9 girls then a boy and for the last 6 girls the whole world knew she wanted a boy, they were on Tv in the papers everything. I just think that's so sad, I feel sorry for those girls - however well they are cared for, there will always be a feeling they were not wanted/not good enough.

rockybalboa · 02/01/2014 09:47

I have 3 DS. Standard response when telling people DS3 was also going to be a boy was for a sad face to be pulled and accompanied by the phrase "oh. Will you keep trying for a girl?". Gave me the fucking rage each time and makes me cross just typing it.

whatnow33 · 02/01/2014 09:51

I agree Morris. I doubt anyone really cares what sex other people's dc are. It's just something to say.

I did have a slight preference for daughters (though I would never say that irl). But as pp have said, it was due to my own experiences - I'm close to my parents whereas my brothers can go months without speaking to them, rarely visit, always forget their birthdays and eldest db doesn't even bother responding to our mum's texts/emails . I want my dcs to be independent but I would be gutted not to receive a card on my birthday or an occasional phonecall from them. I know this is them rather than their gender, but it still worried me. I also worried about silly things like what if ds liked really typically boyish things like cars and football and we had nothing to talk about! Alhough I also panicked that if I had a dd I would have the same problem, so maybe I'm just a worrier!

Broodymomma · 02/01/2014 09:55

I have a 6 years old ds, you can imagine some of the comments we got when we just went through the adoption process to disappoint people by adopting a 2 year old boy. They were all so sure we were adopting to get a girl. Seriously!

ebwy · 02/01/2014 09:55

I was told, "never mind, maybe next time you'll get a girl" about my second son... How rude! I was glad to have survived the pregnancy and got him out alive too (was a chance that neither would happen)

I would like another baby but probably won't. If I do, I won't care boy or girl, just let us both get through it ok and baby be healthy

WooWooOwl · 02/01/2014 09:56

I very much didn't want a girl first, and happily I got the boy I wanted.

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