To ask my parents to stop giving my son sugary food

[ComplexAndDangerous]

Feel like I'm constantly fighting my family regarding my toddler son's diet- he has just turned 2. They constantly attempt to ply him with sugar. After lots of discussions they are slightly (very slightly) better at not giving him chocolate and sweets, but will still fill him up on petit filous, squash and fruit between meals. They will let him have unlimited grapes as he loves them, and when I protest they tell me I'm being ridiculous as they're 'healthy' (yes but full of sugar, not great for teeth and make him refuse his dinner). Apparently I'm also mean for only putting water in his beaker, as 'children need juice'.

DS is generally an ok eater, but today, while at parents' house, refused his lunch (tomato soup and tuna sandwich) and so I said well that's all that's on offer. My DM said 'don't be cruel, just give him a nice yoghurt or some fruit' and I said no, I would re-offer him the sandwich in half an hour but no alternative. Caught her dishing DS up a strawberry muller yoghurt five minutes later! I normally just tut but today I said 'can you please stop doing this, it's really not helping me encourage him to eat well'.

I really want DS to develop healthy eating habits and not too much of a sweet tooth, but feel like I'm constantly being made to feel like a meanie and I hate that I'm always the one to say no.

It's bizarre as I actually feel I'm very relaxed about food compared to my friends. DS is allowed fruit squash when we eat out, gets a biscuit or some chocolate buttons as a treat after swimming once a week and has fast food (mc d's or takeaway) once a month or so, but I try and create some decent boundaries. I'd also never ever tell my family how to feed him when babysitting, as that's down to them, but expect my rules to be upheld when I'm actually there!

My parents are now in a huff with me as I told them I wasn't happy with what they were doing. They are amazing grandparents and I hate, hate, hate falling out but wish they would just see my POV for once! I'm just so tired, to the point of tears, of fighting them.

The point is that the GPs are undermining the OPs attempts to make a varied diet the basis of her child's eating by constantly caving in to the toddler's wish to eat only sugary yogurts, sweets and grapes.

Yanbu

Overindulgence is as bad as neglect. Sugar and spoiling are not love.

No way would my ds's GPs offer yoghurt, grapes and squash to their own dc when they were little; it's ok for ds though.

You accept that they offer shite when you aren't around. They shouldn't undermine you. If you have said grapes and yoghurt after dinner, they shouldn't offer this as an alternative when dinner isn't eaten.

If it's OK to offer a few times a week, would people offer this crap in a packed lunch for school?

I'm sorry, are we talking about grapes as in the little green or purple fruit, about 2 or 3cm in size, kind of round? Or is there another type of 'grape' that I am not aware of?! Hardly 'crap' in a lunchbox

I do agree that your parents are being annoying by undermining you op, and no grapes and yoghurt (especially the petit filous ones) are not a decent lunch. But neither is shop bought soup and a tuna sandwich tbh.

How often does ds go to his grandparents? Does this happen very reualy or does ds have the majority of his meals just with you?

Don't know whether this has been suggested already, but it sounds as though you live locally as you are going round twice a week. Why not just avoid meal times? There may still be an issue with the gps trying to offer biscuits or grapes in between meals, but it avoids the regular battle with them letting him have a pudding without finishing his lunch.

I don't think it's worth risking a happy relationship with gps over food, and at the end of the day, they should have a different relationship anyway, and a little bit of indulging Wont do any harm. They aren't the parents. BUT having said that, why continually walk into a situation which you know will cause conflict? Just change your visit times to, say between lunch and dinner, and then you're able to reinforce your wishes over mealtimes. Or go out somewhere so you can pack your own picnic lunch and the gps won't have a fridge full of yoghurts on hand.

There are ways to alleviate this without having a big bust up... I just can't imagine going to visit a relative for meals twice a week if I knew it was going to be a constant battle

Tomato soup and a tuna sandwich? I don't blame him for not eating it, its a strange combination tbh.

He is 2, my son at that age wouldn't haven't eaten a sandwich and then soup. He's 4 and don't think he could eat it now tbh.

When we visit grandparents he is given treats and given dinner. I have no issue with it. Sometimes he just isn't that hungry and fruit and yogurt will do him.

If its such a problem then just don't visit at meal times. Feed him before you go and then home when its his next meal time

I really don't see an issue with grapes and yogurt but understand how the undermining you is annoying. Just tell them straight or avoid meal times.

I doubt the people saying this is an OK lunch a few times per week would send their lo to school with children's yoghurts, grapes, squash and feck all else.

And I have to say I'm another one who wouldn't eat the tomato soup/ tuna sandwich combo myself!
A bowl of soup with a chunk of bread and some cheese, yes, but not a tuna sandwich. So I think in that particular instance it might have just been a case of disliking that combo?

YANBU at all, and if this thread had been started by the grandparents, asking if the WBU to feed their DGS yoghurts and fruit when he dust want his dinner, despite the child's mum asking them not to, they would be told that they WBVU.

I think people just like to go against the op.

It's not worth falling out with your parents over. If it's such a problem, don't visit them at meal times, as others said.

It's not like canned tuna sandwich and tomato soup in a tin are such nutritional wonders that can't be missed.

Grandparents are meant to spoil children. My late grandfather used to buy cases of soda for me & DB, but we survived.

Let their house be a fun place where he can eat grapes to his heart's content.

My own grandparents used to keep little bottles of pop in the larder especially for our visits, plus a huge tin of sweets by the telly for us to help ourselves. Oh and there was always a fruitbowl with grapes on the table! Grandparents are not the parents; they don't have the day in day out responsibility of instilling eating habits and meal planning. And this isn't an argument for saying the gps can do what they like; not at all. I'm sure if my parents had asked for the sweetie tin to be moved or the bottles of pop limited, my gps would have respected their wishes (though they wouldn't have understood why) But my point is, you are getting the balance wrong if you're walking into situations where you know there will be conflict rather than working around it. I saw my gps maybe 3 or 4 times a year and my parents let the treats be a part of it. The OP here is choosing to go round twice a week at MEAL times which is just daft. Pop round for an hour or so in the afternoon. Or pack a Picnic and go out for the day. It just seems silly to perpetuate a situation where you're not happy but not willing to make a few adjustments to avoid the problem.

Btw I wouldn't read too much into the fact that you and your sister had fillings OP; that's far more likely to be a generational thing,most of the kids i knew growing up, me included, had fillings because of lack of fluoride in toothpaste and generally much poorer dental care which focused on treatment rather than prevention. Neither of my teenage children have fillings and i doubt their teeth are genetically any 'better' than mine. I also disagree strongly with the few posters who've said things are much harder nowadays with sweets and sugary stuff being forced on kids from all directions. On the contrary there are far more regulations about sugar/salt levels in food nowadays. When I think back to what my school dinners were like they were crap- chips daily, huge sugary puddings, salt cellars on every table (a daily occurrence would be some smart arse grabbing it and smothering your lunch!) Generally speaking there is far greater awareness of healthy eating nowadays. I can see how the gp's lack of awareness is annoying but honestly, don't punish them for being of a different generation. Just avoid situations where food is likely to be a conflict because the more its made an issue, the more your ds will grow up thinking there is something exciting about the forbidden sweets, yoghurts etc

Agree with the juice thing, I never bought juice [squash] Im wary of sugary drinks as diabetes in my family and I just prefer them to drink water [now they are older and able to choose/buy their own, that is all out the window! this will be the case for the majority too whatever you think now]

Agree on the not offering alternatives when kids pick at lunch etc.

But on the whole I think YABU, it is two visits per week and it won't harm or set habits/patterns.

You have my sympathy, OP. GPs or anyone else who offer my DC sweet treats in between meals are a nightmare. I think you have to be very firm about a no-snacking rule.

Really not getting the logic of because you offered soup (possibly tinned! Oh the horror!) and a sandwich (which doesn't complement the soup in some people's opinion, I'd eat that combo perfectly happily) it's perfectly ok for your parents to undermine you in front of your son, fill him up between meals against your will and give him stuff you don't want him to have.....?

That's going to set a great precedent in your family, other than it being downright rude to set up an 'if mummy says no granny will do it behind her back in a minute' expectation. That isn't spoiling.

You're his mum, end of. Your call. Firm no needed, and standing your ground. I bet the mum on the other thread who's struggling with parents insisting on buying their six year old a tv for her bedroom and saying if she says no they will just give it to the child behind her back wishes she had the chance again to nip this stuff in the bud while the child was little.

It's your choice what your child eats. It isn't about what you're offering v's what they are. If you wanted to give him a 200g galaxy caramel for lunch with half a pint of undiluted full sugar ribena to wash it down with, IT IS UP TO YOU.

The 'soup and bread have got sugar in so you should shut up stupid' comments above were entertaining

Tell them they respect your autonomy as a parent or they fuck off (maybe with a bit more tact ). Bread, soup, yogurt, juice - what does it matter? You say "This is what my child eats", they say "Ok". That's how that works.

what is wrong with grapes jeez seriously unclecn a wee bit children do not need 3 square meals a day some children are grazers I know little children not eating is a PITA but some grapes and a bit of fruit is not going to harm him you need to not be so rigid imo about meal times, are you never a bit hungry before you dinner? it is all about balance not control IME

yanbu op.

My nearly 2 year old would quite happily just eat fruit and yoghurt.

The point surely is that a healthy diet is a balanced one it isn't about bickering about the relative positives and negatives of different foodstuffs. Anything is bad for you if you eat too much of it.

My four year old does need juice actually because she has a tendency towards constipation and it really helps. That needs weighing up against the teeth imo.

Mrs J surely being hungry just before dinner is a good thing? I wouldn't have a snack .

well i didnt actually mean before dinner I meant mid afternoon where you are a bit nibbley and want something IYSWIM

OP is not saying her child can never have evil grapes and yogurt, she is objecting to these being constantly offered as alternatives to a proper balanced meal (and personally a tuna sandwich and soup is very appealing) and also that these are being offered all day long in between meals, filling the child up ready to refuse a meal again.

children learn to refuse one option if they know something will be offered instead. too many kids eat picky snacks all day long instead of proper meals. my friend moans about her child not eating yet everytime we see her she has a biscuit, fromage frais or pack of crisps in her hand. and drinks squash from a babys bottle at the age of 4.

a packed lunch at nursery consisting of sandwich, grapes and yogurt is good. I would add some cucumber/pepper too. replacing that with grapes and yogurt mid morning and again mid afternoon is not so good.

Random- the thing is though, it's perfectly normal for many families to visit friends and relatives and eat what's on offer. The child in question isn't a babe in arms- he's two years old fgs. When we went to visit or stay with friends and relatives when my kids were that age, I wouldn't have been so bloody precious and rude as to bark 'no grapes or yoghurt for dd/ds' . Ditto if the biscuit tin came out between meals.
Like I said before, the issue here is that the OP seems intent on visiting twice weekly at meal times, even though she's not happy with what's on offer food wise or the way meals are managed. In which case, work around it! Visit at other times or take your own food if you must go at lunchtime.

But really, this 'my child my rules' can get ridiculous. Do people who think like this never visit friends and family and sit and eat a meal they've prepared? Or are they so controlling they take along separate food for a two year old? You see, id worry that that level of control would bring its own problems... The child may well go wild once they're actually in a situation where their parents can't control every mouthful. It's not long before children are being offered a piece of fruit or whatever by a mate in the playground. Or they'll be round a friends house for tea. Far better I think to let them learn that they may be offered something different in someone else's house.

I don't think that the op is bu in being pissed off that her parents are undermining her (although I do think that is what grandparents are there for to an extent! )

It's just that she is massively objecting to what they are giving her ds, when what she is offering is not really much better in terms of 'healthiness' ie. salt and sugar.

We don't see grandparents as often as I would like, but we've always encouraged our children have their own relationship with them. One granny provides endless sweets, lets them eat in front of the TV and encourages them to jump on the sofa. (This is my mother, who was the strictest parent ever. We weren't even allowed to sit on the sofas in the front room as children). They know that this isn't allowed at home but a granny's house these are OK. Likewise when they are guests at friend's houses they can work out what is acceptable, eg some are allowed cola & fizzy drinks, some aren't. We eat a fairly well balanced diet as a family, we eat round a table and the only drink offered is water.

Hmm probably made my point enough times but anyway:

-I do not 'regularly' feed him shop bought/tinned soup but we were in a rush heading out so I picked it up en route. I don't think it's that bad as a meal, now and again. I live in the real world and try to make 'good enough' choices, not perfect ones

-I don't think the food combo is weird! DS and I have tuna sandwiches and soup sometimes and he's always liked it before. Still, accept he might not fancy if today, and that's fine, but I'm not offering an alternative as he's a definite 'boundary tester' and we'd have that problem all the time if I did!

-it wasn't in brine, although he's had tuna sandwiches in pubs/cafes etc and they may well have been, who knows
-he doesn't have fast food/takeaway 'regularly' - a mac d's with DP once a month, big deal, or he might have a slice of pizza if we order one in, again I can live with this and don't think it's unhealthy as a treat. I'm actually trying to teach him that no foods are bad if you don't abuse them, so it's something I'm very happy for him to see us do!
-that's fine if other people don't limit fruit. Personally I do set limits on even fruit, as it fills DS up between meals and the dentist I have spoken to advises it only after meals anyway (not instead of or as a snack), he's quite a small eater anyway and his portions are tiny. He gets fruit every day straight after a meal as it is.

That said:

-accept I might just need to chill a bit around grandparents. More than anything it was the secrecy of the act that annoyed me. I disappeared into another room and when I came down the stairs I saw my mother crouched at back of kitchen spooning in the yogurt as quick as she could, while DS giggled and unsubtly shouted 'ogurt!!'

As you can see from this thread, there is wide disparity in how people determine 'healthy' food. I think you're confusing your upset over you and your dsis' food issues with how your parents are treating your ds.

If you don't want mealtimes to become a debate then just don't debate. Your ds will learn his eating habits from you, not from his dgp. At the moment you're giving your ds pretty mixed messages about food. He's not going to understand why you're getting so angry about grapes and yoghurt.