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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents to stop giving my son sugary food

115 replies

ComplexAndDangerous · 01/01/2014 22:53

Feel like I'm constantly fighting my family regarding my toddler son's diet- he has just turned 2. They constantly attempt to ply him with sugar. After lots of discussions they are slightly (very slightly) better at not giving him chocolate and sweets, but will still fill him up on petit filous, squash and fruit between meals. They will let him have unlimited grapes as he loves them, and when I protest they tell me I'm being ridiculous as they're 'healthy' (yes but full of sugar, not great for teeth and make him refuse his dinner). Apparently I'm also mean for only putting water in his beaker, as 'children need juice'.

DS is generally an ok eater, but today, while at parents' house, refused his lunch (tomato soup and tuna sandwich) and so I said well that's all that's on offer. My DM said 'don't be cruel, just give him a nice yoghurt or some fruit' and I said no, I would re-offer him the sandwich in half an hour but no alternative. Caught her dishing DS up a strawberry muller yoghurt five minutes later! I normally just tut but today I said 'can you please stop doing this, it's really not helping me encourage him to eat well'.

I really want DS to develop healthy eating habits and not too much of a sweet tooth, but feel like I'm constantly being made to feel like a meanie and I hate that I'm always the one to say no.

It's bizarre as I actually feel I'm very relaxed about food compared to my friends. DS is allowed fruit squash when we eat out, gets a biscuit or some chocolate buttons as a treat after swimming once a week and has fast food (mc d's or takeaway) once a month or so, but I try and create some decent boundaries. I'd also never ever tell my family how to feed him when babysitting, as that's down to them, but expect my rules to be upheld when I'm actually there!

My parents are now in a huff with me as I told them I wasn't happy with what they were doing. They are amazing grandparents and I hate, hate, hate falling out but wish they would just see my POV for once! I'm just so tired, to the point of tears, of fighting them.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 00:18

I can see your point completely- don't ask me why grandparents feel compelled to feed em non stop shit! Maybe we'll find out when we're grandparents. But I think limiting his contact with them would be downright cruel trashcan

Original poster
ComplexAndDangerous · 02/01/2014 00:19

On the plus side they do insist on cutting the grapes in half, as do I!

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 02/01/2014 00:23

Oh good, because I worry terribly about choking too!

Original poster
ComplexAndDangerous · 02/01/2014 00:26

My my mother has actually just stopped peeling them for him!

OP posts:
Joules68 · 02/01/2014 00:27

Well of course that 'research' could be talking out of your arse too, just because someone has pondered it doesn't make it fact!

And I said it didn't make it 'much more' but hey, twist it to suit your argument, that's fine

You've tried talking and they won't listen, so guess not being there so much is the only option until they start to do as they are told. Or take his food with you?

C3P0 · 02/01/2014 00:28

You can always use natural yoghurt, which is unsweetened. I'd not sweat the fruit. Having a habit of snacking on fruit isn't a bad thing. Don't worry about the sugar content - it's all wrapped up in fibre, which limits uptake, so there's less 'sugar rush'. Juice is definitely inferior to fruit, as it has no fibre, and is absorbed quickly. It's not unreasonable to control refined sugar intake. It's a good lifetime habit. Maybe educate 'rents on the risks of high sugar intake?

WestieMamma · 02/01/2014 00:30

I completely get the frustration with them not following your instructions, that would tip me into rage. But I'm puzzled as to what's wrong with them giving him grapes and yogurt. My little one practically lives on yogurt (the plain stuff) and grapes and blueberries now. I thought I was doing good after getting slated here for giving him jars of baby food. Confused

Original poster
ComplexAndDangerous · 02/01/2014 00:31

C3PO you'd think me and my sister's dental records would be education enough to them, but no! I really don't mind him having grapes or any fruit, just would prefer it after he's had a proper meal first

OP posts:
tiredoldmum · 02/01/2014 00:32

I agree with your children, your rules.

I have a friend who is raising 2 of her grandchildren; under age 6. Their diet is horrid just like my friend's who is probably 75kg overweight.

Fast food every day. Yes, every day. Large puddings the size for a grown man. Handfuls of biscuits. hot dogs, mac and cheese. Lots of soda, choc milk, and sweet juices. Just utter rubbish.

Now is the still to instill good eating and exercise habits so they won't grow up obese with a slew of health issues from it.

Original poster
ComplexAndDangerous · 02/01/2014 00:33

And same point to Westie really, I'm sure you're doing a fine job (well in as much as I can say, not being perfect myself!) but it's just important to me that he learns to eat proper meals as well as to yoghurt and fruit, which he'd eat all day if he could

Oh and they'd never give him plain yoghurt, not in a million years!!

OP posts:
bellybuttonfairy · 02/01/2014 01:36

I wouldnt sweat about it all. He only sees his gp twice a week. So, your issues are over 2 meals of his 21 he has a week. The fruit is actually really good for him. So what if he eats a yogurt and eats a very small lunch. Just give him a nice healthy tea.

The relationship with his gp is far more important imho.

TheGervasuttiPillar · 02/01/2014 02:44

Get your parents to watch Robert Lustig's: Sugar The Bitter Truth

Your instincts are right.

CrohnicallySick · 02/01/2014 08:13

My MIL is very like this. She thinks I'm cruel because I won't give DD fruit shoots or fruit juice as her main drink (I refused to let her have anything but water or breast milk till she was 1, now she has the occasional juice drink with meals).

If I won't let DD have a biscuit then she offers her low fat fruit yoghurt instead (low fat ones are even more full of sugar than full fat, besides babies need the fat). DD does have yoghurt at home, I buy full fat plain yoghurt and add fruit myself.

Like the OP, I'm not against DD having snacks, but I don't offer as she will let me know if she's hungry. She probably has a morning snack around once a week, and an afternoon snack 2-3 times a week.

I guess I'm just very wary because I have a niece on MIL's side, and her eating habits are atrocious. She will refuse a meal saying she's not hungry (or have 2 bites and declare she's full) and then MIL will give her pudding, yogurt, fruit (but they're OK because they are healthy), chocolate, sweets and crisps or biscuits before the next meal! Seriously, I've seen her have ALL of those things in drive and drabs between meals.

Incidentally, at nursery where snack is at a set time and only one thing (eg they might have cheese spread on crackers, or fruit, or yogurt, but not all 3), niece eats well at meal times, often having seconds or even thirds. Coincidence?

lilyaldrin · 02/01/2014 08:25

YANBU

Tell them they are not to give him ANY food, so there is no confusion. If they can't abide by that, don't visit them at meal times. Could you visit after lunch, bring a snack for him, and go home for tea?

Theodorous · 02/01/2014 08:31

Yoghurts and grapes are your idea of unhealthy? Sounds like there's not a lot of joy to be had there.

SootikinAndSweep · 02/01/2014 08:36

I have this fight with my in-laws too. I'm prepared to accept they're more experienced in child raising terms regarding sleeping, playing, learning to read and write etc, but they are the generation who have produced lots of overweight adults, myself and DP included.

I don't know what the answer is, when food treats = love to them it's very emotive trying to discuss it or get them to change their ways.

It sounds to me like you have a very healthy attitude OP, all things in moderation and all that.

bragmatic · 02/01/2014 08:36

I never limit fruit (within reason) but besides that, I'm with you and can't really see why some posters are giving you such a hard time. I'm one of those weirdos who buys unsweetened greek yoghurt.

It gets harder as they get older. These days teachers at schools give out sweets for good behaviour, cafe owners give out free chocolate muffins, kids give out lolly bags as big as my head at parties, christmas is one candy cane after another. There's loads more sweet food you have to fend off compared to when I was a kid.

Fairylea · 02/01/2014 08:43

I get your frustrations but to be honest as an adult I wouldn't want to eat a tuna sandwich alongside tomato soup either! Seems like an odd combination! And I definitely wouldn't want someone to offer it to me again later if I didn't fancy it :( I am more laid back than you are about food and I just think if my dc don't want to eat something then I don't worry about it and offer something else. It's the same as me not always fancying something. Some days I want egg for example sometime I can't stand it.

However, he shouldn't be getting filled up with sugar either. There's a balance.

DontmindifIdo · 02/01/2014 09:01

I personally hate the argument that because someone was a parent themselves and raised their DCs, that they automatically are going to make good parenting decisions so it's OK to defer to them. As you say, your dental records show otherwise.

I'm sorry, but the only way I can think of to limit the crap they feed your DS is to limit their time with him at their house. Invite them to you, be in control of food. If your Mum starts with "you're cruel" comments, tell her she's undermining you and you don't want to have reduce the amount of time they see DS. Harsh, but might work if reason isn't.

hackmum · 02/01/2014 09:03

I sympathise with your concerns, OP, but I think snacking on fruit isn't too bad (I know fruit is sugary, but it's much better than giving him bars of chocolate or bags of crisps, which my MiL used to do with my DD). And it is only twice a week.

hackmum · 02/01/2014 09:06

bragmatic: "These days teachers at schools give out sweets for good behaviour, cafe owners give out free chocolate muffins, kids give out lolly bags as big as my head at parties, christmas is one candy cane after another."

I really agree with this. One of the things that drives me insane about parenting manuals is they will talk at length about how to feed your child and give them a healthy diet but they never talk about how to deal with the fact that they are surrounded by other adults who are determined to feed them crap. My MiL used to come out with the "cruel" line too, simply because we would try to impose fairly mild rules such as "no chocolate before lunchtime". My DD has had a very sweet tooth from a young age so it has been a nightmare.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 02/01/2014 09:11

So op, you regularly give your ds shop bought soup which is PACKED with salt and also sugar, and you have occasionally given him McDonald's and take aways, and you are getting pissy about some grapes?

Riiiigghhhttt.......

RenterNomad · 02/01/2014 09:20

The "cruel" comments, and undermining mealtimes are way out of order. Your parents probably feel you are judging their upbringing of you (and you are!), but you have the right to set proper meal formats fir your own child, and you are right to have a go at them for undermining you.

Would they call you "cruel" for refusing to allow DS to swear? Why are snacks (not all food, just snacks) so sacred to them? Make rhem explain that, and see if they can.

NightCircus · 02/01/2014 09:39

YANBU

Yoghurt is not a traditional lunch food.

In a cafe
Sandwich and soup
In a pub
Sandwich and soup
School dinners
Sandwich and soup
Play date
Sandwich and soup

Non of these places would be offering yoghurt as a 'main' component so I think you are quite right to discourage your son seeing it as an alternative.

My niece and nephew live off yoghurt. They are very fussy eaters and will eat eg crisps, a square of ham then yoghurt and chocolate as a meal. I'd try and avoid getting into that kind of pattern! They won't eat anything but crisps at other kids parties.

I would offer as you do but not bring the same good back later as try to avoid a battle. Maybe offer pitta and hummus or cheese and cracker as an alternative later on.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 02/01/2014 09:40

And If the tuna was in brine and there was also bread involved then I would say that is an awful lot of salt in one meal for a 2 year old. Not enough to really do him any harm of course, but then neither are some grapes and yoghurt.