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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and upset by friend's behaviour towards me?

108 replies

sugarcoatediceberg · 01/01/2014 21:38

I have a friend whom I'd consider a good, close friend of mine. We've been friends for over 20 years. I consider myself to be a good friend to her; I'm always there for her, and have helped her out a lot in the past few years.

I've seen on the dreaded Facebook today that she held a NYE party at her house last night, and invited many mutual friends of ours, but didn't invite me. She even did a status about it; 'Fantastic night with all of my best friends' and tagged all the attendees. Several are mutual friends that she frequently bitches about to me.

I could have done with going to that party last night; DH had to go to bed early as he had to work today, my DCs were in bed early, and I spent the majority of the evening by myself.

I don't know what to do from here; if I start commenting on her FB about it I will look silly. If I ask her outright that I wasn't invited I will look needy. But I feel really upset by her behaviour.

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 02/01/2014 15:56

I'd do exactly what Bigbrassband said.

pigletmania · 04/01/2014 15:33

Hi have you figured out what to do with your 'friend'

Charlie50 · 04/01/2014 21:53

Sorry havent read the whole thread but maybe it was a spontaneous night, e.g. Couple of people popped in to say hi and it turned into a party.. or maybe they are druggie party animal types and your'e not and that's why you werent invited? Sometimes there is an explanation that isn't people being bitches. I think you should mention it to her anyway. Also obv this actually was NYE but sometimes people post old photos which could easily be mistaken for photos just taken iyswm.
Don't really like Facebook for this reason as it magnifies any hurt feelings.

Charlie50 · 04/01/2014 22:26

And people do have groups of friends that they don't always mix. I have a group of friends still from school (I'm in my mid-forties), but we are now at the stage where we don't see each other all the time and don't always think to invite the whole 'crew' every time we are doing something.
I know you feel hurt and yes maybe she was being a bitch bit maybe she wasn't and just didn't think about you, one of her maybe many, friends.

kennyp · 04/01/2014 22:56

i'd leave it a couple of days (i.e. after two sleeps etc) and see how you feel then.

i have a friend who did similar. i distance myself hugely and show fuck all interest in her life other than when i see her (which is rarely as i don't instigate meeting up anymore. neither does she!!!) some people are like clouds - when they're not in your life your day is brighter!!!!! (read that in the daily bloody mail!!)

Original poster

sugarcoatediceberg · 04/01/2014 23:32

Piglet, I've decided to just cool things with her.

She did a facebook status this morning saying her new year's resolution is to see more of her best friends, and once again the others' were all tagged, so I'm assuming she is trying to tell me something. I also commented on a FB status of hers a couple of nights ago, 3 separate comments actually as it was a long conversation, and my replies were all just ignored whilst she replied to others and 'liked' their replies.

She is the type anyway who is a bit hot and cold. She seems to go through phases of being all over some friends, and off with me (and presumably others too) and then she is all friendly with me again. I've had a good think through about it all and I think I've seen the light about her really. I don't think she particularly values me.

I've decided not to let her push me out of mutual friends' lives, and will try to see them individually.

OP posts:

Upcycled · 05/01/2014 00:13

I have a theory about people like that. For them, you exist to help them when they are suffering and weak. You are good at the parental role, the supportive, non-judgemental role. Once they are strong again, they blank you because they don't want to be reminded of their weakness and they want to be around their "fun" friends

This is so true! I have a 'friend' who just appears when needs something.
She phoned me one day before her Birthday to say that her husband couldn't take the time off and would work double shift. It is her tradition to go out for a meal and not to cook on her Birthday. So he went on hinting that perhaps I could treat her, take her out for a meal (and obviously pay) and she had nobody else. Fortunately I already can read her like a book and also had plans that I couldn't change on that day, so I offered her to come for lunch on the day after her B'day (she was 100% available and I knew it), I offered to cook one of her favourite dishes and make her favourite drinks...she gave me one of her weird replies when it is not clear if it is a yes or no, so basically didn't answer my invite properly and left me hanging. It was last week and I am still waiting for her...well not really but did many times in the past when I always got caught up in her games...

I am sure she will appear again soon when she is in need of some help.

BTW, she slags off some people but is all friendly on FB.
I like this aspect of FB sometimes, make you see how fake some people can be.

Upcycled · 05/01/2014 00:16

sugarcoatediceberg definitely give her a cold shoulder and don't look back. Specially when she decided you can be her friend again. This kind of people can be very charming and make us doubt ourselves sometimes.

Original poster

sugarcoatediceberg · 05/01/2014 00:18

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, Upcycled; she is definitely very charming and she makes me doubt myself and think maybe it's my fault at the times when she doesn't seem to value me.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 00:36

Imwould delete and forget her, life is too short. If she gossips about others to you, think abut what she says abut you behind your back. She does not sound like a nice person!

Upcycled · 05/01/2014 00:54

Does she have the biggest smile? I bet she does!
People like this, they kind of hypnotise us and when they want to use and abuse us, they use subtle techniques, making us offer support and help instead of asking and always have the most incredible excuses to cover up their fuck ups.

It took me a while to realise that I should stop engaging and whilst I miss the nice part of her I am fully aware that it comes with the nasty aspect too, so it makes easy for me to keep a distance.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/01/2014 01:07

She doesn't sound like someone worth being friends with OP judging from your latest update.

I can't be doing with people that blow hot and cold depending on the day of the week. Ignore her, let her get on with it. If she decides to contact you when you're flavour of the month again, ignore her or be very busy.

I wouldn't bother with her, she sounds very childish.

Original poster

sugarcoatediceberg · 05/01/2014 10:39

I've been pondering on it all and a couple of mutual friends that I've met through her are always a bit off with me and don't seem to really like me all that much. Makes me wonder if she bitches about me to them and tells them things to put them off me. She bitches about them to me but I like to make up my own mind about whether I like people or not and don't tend to listen to rubbish from others.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 10:50

Sugar she probably does, they are too much of a sheep to make their own decisions. I would have nothing todo with any of them, they don't sound that nice!

snowed · 05/01/2014 12:44

Oh yes, it's the ones who are good at being charming and all smiles who get away with it. Most people will be fooled, as the rejections are so carefully directed away from what anyone else would notice.

Original poster

sugarcoatediceberg · 05/01/2014 13:51

I wonder if she will work out at any time that I'm cutting her off?

OP posts:

snowed · 05/01/2014 14:04

I think as you've been friends for over 20 years and describe the friendship as close, it would be good to talk to her and ask why she's excluding you. Say that you're sure you've done nothing wrong but as she doesn't seem interested in being friends any more you won't be getting in touch unless she has a good explanation.

CrapBag · 05/01/2014 19:57

I was also introduced and became friends with a close friends friends, but I also noticed a certain distance from them. At times. I just don't see any of them now. Life is too short for. Shit 'friends' like this.

mrsminiverscharlady · 05/01/2014 20:05

I would guess that she perceives that you've slighted her in some way and she's making a point of rubbing your nose in the fact that she's giving you the cold shoulder. She's probably desperate for you to contact her and say 'what have I done? Pleeeeease be my friend again'

Time to move on from this friendship (as you've also gathered)

pigletmania · 05/01/2014 23:04

She gossips about her so called close friends to you, tells you everything. New year, new start!

SinisterSal · 05/01/2014 23:16

I'd be so tempted to comment on that "spending more time with my besties' post - Saying Oh you are so right Friends are so important aren't they. and then defriending her.

I wouldn't really as it would be childish and unhelpful...But tempting.

Sorry Iceberg it's not a nice feeling at all.

snowed · 06/01/2014 01:36

mrsminiverscharlady you may well be right. I've often wondered, why do people blank others, instead of actually talking face to face to someone they think has slighted them? The person they're trying to teach some kind of a lesson invariably has no idea what they're supposed to have done, so there's no point in the blanking except to upset the other person

pigletmania · 06/01/2014 07:51

Snowed its fine if the person is fairly reasonable, but really this 'friend' does not sound very nice, I think she will be the type to deny it and put it back on op! Her behaviour towards op sounds awful, life is too short for all this rubbish, I think op would be well within her rights to delete her from facebook and move on!

snowed · 06/01/2014 09:15

That's not what I meant piglet. I was wondering why the "friend" is blanking the OP instead of talking to her, as they have a longstanding friendship.

Thatisall · 06/01/2014 09:36

This has happened to me. I was completely pushed out for seemingly no reason. The only reason I could fathom was that I'd got 'too jig for my boots'. She was a queen bee type and in hindsight I think I slighted her by being happy/doing well. Sadly she did manipulate a number of out mutual friends. I just had to accept that those friendships weren't real and move on (I'm still working on that now).

I'd say the best advice is to walk away, unfriend. But part of me would want an explanation. Sadly asking for one might make you look pushy, paranoid etc (all things I was called for asking for one.

If I could go back I wouldn't ask. I'd take control and walk away first. Just prepare yourself for the fact that you may lose mutual friends aswell.

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