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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and upset by friend's behaviour towards me?

108 replies

sugarcoatediceberg · 01/01/2014 21:38

I have a friend whom I'd consider a good, close friend of mine. We've been friends for over 20 years. I consider myself to be a good friend to her; I'm always there for her, and have helped her out a lot in the past few years.

I've seen on the dreaded Facebook today that she held a NYE party at her house last night, and invited many mutual friends of ours, but didn't invite me. She even did a status about it; 'Fantastic night with all of my best friends' and tagged all the attendees. Several are mutual friends that she frequently bitches about to me.

I could have done with going to that party last night; DH had to go to bed early as he had to work today, my DCs were in bed early, and I spent the majority of the evening by myself.

I don't know what to do from here; if I start commenting on her FB about it I will look silly. If I ask her outright that I wasn't invited I will look needy. But I feel really upset by her behaviour.

OP posts:
lilyaldrin · 01/01/2014 21:51

I'd message her and ask why you didn't get invited. What do you have to lose?

If she's genuinely a good friend she will have a good reason or be mortified to have upset you.

If she isn't a genuine friend then best to know about it - and who cares if she thinks you're needy?

CrapBag · 01/01/2014 21:52

Yanbu. A 'best friend' of mine put a status once about the best friends anyone could ask for and tagged them. My name wasn't there and she wasn't usually the type to do status' or tagging people. Things had been tense between us so I knew exactly why she did it, was purely to have a dig. We are no longer friends.

This friend sounds like a pa bitch. Start distencing yourself as she isn't a good friend to you.

tinyturtletim · 01/01/2014 21:53

Always listen very carefully about how people speak of their friends as that is how they will speak of you.

In simple terms...

she is a two faced bitch who will turn you beinf offended by her leaving you out into something that is your fault.

littleblackno · 01/01/2014 21:55

I've had this happen to me recently too, mentioned to a couple of friends about having a night out with others, both gave reasons why not then following weekend photos on fb of them having a girls night with the othersd I'd suggested.
It's shit, I did call a 'friend' up on it, I got upset with her but she really couldn't see what my problem was.
I've distanced myself since. Can't cut her out totally as our kids are all friends but I feel a part of me has lost trust/ respect.
I've given it alot of thought about am I just acting like a teenager but actually their actions really hurt and upset me. New friends in the new year!

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 01/01/2014 21:55

This reply has been deleted

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HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 01/01/2014 21:56

People who bitch about other people to you are also likely to be bitching about you to others.

for whatever reason, she didnt want you there. Thats the top and bottom of it.

if you feel like it will make you feel better to mention that you would have liked to have gone, then you should do it.it probably wont do any good, but if it makes you feel better maybe thats enough.
id take the easy option and just back right off.I

MaeveBehave · 01/01/2014 21:57

yes, as you have mutual friends, be careful not to talk about it too much, tempting though it must surely be! as if she's the teflon type that takes NO responsibility for behaving hurtfully she will dramatise your completely understandable hurt feelings in something diva-like.

DullDullard · 01/01/2014 22:02

No wonder you are hurt. She has done a really shitty thing.

Its really hard to accept a friendship has come to an end after so long.

I have put up with similar shitty behaviour from my so called best friend of 30 years just because I scared to let the only link of my old life go. She has not bothered with me for months and the old facebook statuses are the added kick in the teeth.

The sensible thing to do is end the friendship and stop anymore hurt and I admire those able to do that. I am a saddo and stilll hoping for a turnaround though.

Everything everyone else says on here is probably true and have good advice.

Original poster
sugarcoatediceberg · 01/01/2014 22:04

It's going to be very difficult for me to totally end the friendship as we have lots of mutual friends (some old school friends, some not). I need to try and be more aloof and distant from her without it seeming obvious that there's a rift

OP posts:
RubyrooUK · 01/01/2014 22:05

I would definitely just ask her. Why lose a friendship over this unless it was intentional? And it's horrible to brood on things as they just upset you more.

I'd say "looks like you had a great new year. I'd have loved to come along."

If she says "oh bollocks, I meant to invite you but totally forgot. I'm so sorry. It slipped my mind and I can't believe I was so thoughtless...so sorry", then you might want to accept that apology.

If she says "oh sorry, I thought you said you had plans with your DH, sorry I would have invited you..." then it was a misunderstanding.

If she has a problem or reason not to invite you, it's a chance for her to say. Unless you don't really enjoy her company these days anyway and find her bitchy, in which case obviously you might want to leave it and just move on.

YeahBuddy · 01/01/2014 22:06

This happened to me a little while ago. Friends put a fb status about their Halloween party that was happening that night, I commented with a jokey 'where's my invite' etc. She twisted it right back on me asking when have I ever needed an invite and I know where they live. It stung, it really did and I haven't seen or heard from them since.

Distance yourself, as hurtful as it is, some people are incapable of seeing things from anybody else's point of view.

MaeveBehave · 01/01/2014 22:07

it must have been awkward for the mutual friends too........ they must have been asking about you.

picnicbasketcase · 01/01/2014 22:11

This is hypocritical of me to say, as I'm in a similar situation (and have just hidden the person on fb so i don't have to see anything rather than confront them) but you should say something. Find out why you've been excluded rather than have it hanging over you.

lekkerslaap · 01/01/2014 22:23

Totally disagree with the people who say you should say something. It will only give her the hump. For whatever reason, you are no longer flavour of the month.

Be ever so nice but take a massive step back. If it was a genuine mistake then it will come to light.

I personally wouldn't trust someone who slags off other people then invites them to a party and calls them her 'besh friends'. It's just not worth the aggro.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 01/01/2014 22:35

Always listen very carefully about how people speak of their friends as that is how they will speak of you.

^ this

timidviper · 01/01/2014 22:39

I agree with the being cool and unavailable idea.

I had a similar thing that a good friend who had committed weeks ago to come to mine on NYE pulled out on the day saying she was ill. Have since found out she went somewhere else so I will be doing the same.

HeGrewWhiskersOnHisChin · 01/01/2014 22:40

This happened to me and one of the mutual friends lied to be about going out even though I had already found out.

When I eventually decided that I didn't care how needy I sounded, and asked my original friend, she couldn't see what my problem was. The fact that the mutual friend lied to me (because she felt awkward and didn't want me getting upset) was apparently an error of judgement according to original friend. She could not see why I would have been (and was) upset at being left out.

My point is that even after talking about it, my friend hasn't apologised and it's made me feel even worse. I think it would have done my self esteem more good to keep my upset to myself, and pretend that it was an oversight on my friend's part.

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/01/2014 23:25

It's going to be very difficult for me to totally end the friendship as we have lots of mutual friends (some old school friends, some not). I need to try and be more aloof and distant from her without it seeming obvious that there's a rift

Hate to say it but it's bloody obvious there is a rift. She didn't invite you but did invite all her best friends. I see none of them were worried why you weren't there either?

cantbebotheredtocare · 01/01/2014 23:43

I'm going through a very similar thing at the moment. It really hurt when it happened at Halloween and I had it out with her, but it was turned around on me and I thought it was my fault. It's happened again over Xmas, but I've decided I'm not going to let it upset me for a second time and I have started distancing myself, its quite funny how many times she has been in contact as I think she feels bad. I've realised its not worth the hassle of letting her know it's annoyed me as she'll come up with the usual excuses. Just need to get over the next few weeks.

Laura0806 · 01/01/2014 23:53

sorry this has happened but try and see it as finding out before you waste any more time on her. This kind of thing has happpened to me and it stlll hurts now but discussing it with mutual friends and asking her what was the problem got me nowhere. In fact it made me look petty, gave her reason to make more drama out of it and as I result I have lost the original ex friend ( no loss really) but am now backing away in a not so obvious way from the mutual friends as I was so hurt with their reaction ( funnily enough all people she has slagged off and is now all over them!).Honesty, I wouldnt waste your energy but focus on making friends that are worth it, take care

snowed · 02/01/2014 00:35

Always listen very carefully about how people speak of their friends as that is how they will speak of you.

Another "hear hear" to the above.

WaffilyVersatile · 02/01/2014 00:38

1 rule. If someone is bitching about someone else to you then you will be bitched about by them too.

Ditch the bitch! Save yourself any further hurt..

Electryone · 02/01/2014 00:48

I feel for you, this is horrible. I would want to know the reason so I would ask.

grumpyoldbat · 02/01/2014 07:10

I'm probably not the best person to ask for friendship advice but I wouldn't bring it up. It could be too easily twisted especially if someone is prone to be a bitch.

Keep the moral high ground. When you come across her be polite. Say good morning or whatever is appropriate but don't initiate contact or bring up the party.

However if someone else brings it up answer factually. If they ask why you weren't there just say "I wasn't invited". If asked what you did for New Year say nothing because dh had an early night and I'd no parties to go to. If someone says oh x had a party say "yes I saw the pictures, looked like a good night but I wasn't invited". Try your best to keep smiling and you'll come out looking a lot better than her.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 02/01/2014 07:31

This happened to me, twice, by the same person. They had no excuse, and just said they thought I was busy, even though they knew I wasn't.

Stupidly, I didn't learn and have just spent the last 10mths helping the same person with their marriage breakup, including sitting with them in a&e several times after they overdosed, and a million other things.

For the past month this person has more or less blanked me, while updating fb with her outings with friends, and gatherings at home.
I'm done now, and more than happy to let one of her other friends assist her next time she gets drunk and takes a pile of tablets.

You have already said that this person is selfish, so imo she's not a friend worth having.