To ask how common it is for family siblings to fall out due to disputes over wills...

[BraveMerida]

....for whatever reasons? And how long did it take for it to finally resolve?

Although discussions are healthy within the family, I still think this loses sight of the fact that its your will. Not the families. It really is up to the person making the will want they want to do. If you care for a person full time and then are the main beneficiary, that very fact can be thrown back in their face by the family "she was only caring for her for the money" etc. Everyone has the chance to make their own will. I really think its important to leave well alone and to not interfere. It is the reads final wishes. If those left behind see it as a slap in the face it is understandable. But it has to be this way otherwise there isi little point making a will.

Reads-deads

bear - Of course people can leave their money to whoever they want. But if they actually love their children, then they should seriously think about the impact emotionally of any unequal split.

Probate solicitors will advise that of any perceived inequality when a will is drawn up. There is still no need for anyone else to be involved.

bear I suspect you have a will that treats your children differently. Please think of the heart ache this can cause and at least talk to them before you die.

My brother cut me off last year ( still see his wife and kids) because my mum dared to suggest to him that the piece of land he was bragging about selling on FB for hundreds of thousands of £ was legally half mine as it had been my Dads, who died without leaving a will.
Rather than share it with me ( which I hadn't asked for by the way) he sent me a series of abusive texts and didn't sell it at all. He then told me to stay away from him and his family. My poor sil knew nothing about it and when I told her( in response to a text from her offering to babysit) she said she wouldn't get involved but was going to carry on seeing us.
Our Dad was a total arsehole as well - he would have been very proud!

I asolutely do not have a will that treats my children differently! And if I did, well what business is it but mine? Can you really not see that unless your parents are especially vindictive that they will have given massive thought to how a will is drawn up. It's such an important document. I would advise anyone to leave well alone as the heartache among the living is not worth it. But its your will, your decision. It's a legally binding document.

Badvoc that is awfully unfair to you. Can anybody get your mother to see sense?

Unequal splits for the right reasons or not cause problems unless the person leaving the will has a family discussion. Having seen my own parents go through it over a stupidly small amount if money and the hurtful accusations/backstabbing I would hate this to happen again.

Another family member left house to first born son and split land between other sibling, some weren't overly happy BUT it was discussed when person made the will so there were many years for it all to settle so no issues when the person died.

If a person cares for someone they should be recognised more in the will but again it should be discussed will ALL the children.

For my own situation myself and oh have worked hard, brought a house (negative equity and struggling and not likely to pay off mortgage) but doing ok. Sil chooses to float about, spend her money and not buy somewhere. I can so see pil leaving their (large) house to her so she will have somewhere to live, really hoping they don't but she is daddy's little girl.

My father and his sister didn't speak to their other sister after my grandmother died, as she had altered the will in her favour. Thankfully, the "witnesses" denied ever having witnessed the will, and the estate was split three ways. Have not had anything to do with that side of the family since then.

My mother fell out with her cousin after the death of a great aunt, as she died intestate and he claimed that he was the only living relative. His brother found out, challenged it, and got half of the estate. I asked, some years later, why my grandmother had not received anything - it should have been split three ways, not two. Apparently it hadn't occurred to her that she had the same relationship to her aunt as her cousins. This happened YEARS ago, my mother is now 80 and her cousin 92. They have not spoken since - they recently met up at another family funeral and studiously ignored each other all day.

I am an only child, and I wouldn't put it past my mother to write me out of her will in a fit of spite, and give it all to my cousin. Her choice entirely, but I can categorically say that it would not be what my father wanted. And if she does that, well I won't be arranging her funeral, or attending it. Out of interest, what would happen if no-one wanted to arrange a funeral?

bear unless your parents are especially vindictive

I think what you are missing is that a lot of the posters on here have experienced wills that are indeed vindictive.

I could never foresee a circumstance when I would treat my children any differently to one another in this regard. One of them would have to do something spectacularly mind-blowingly awful for me to even begin to consider disinheriting them. And I would never give one of them more than the others on the basis that they 'need it' more. It's just so unfair, especially as (in my experience) the ones who 'need' it are often the architects of their own downfall. It's a kick in the gut to the siblings who have never given their parents any grief and have been more responsible throughout life.

The only thing I could foresee is adjusting the final amount to reflect any financial bailouts or leg-ups I might have given any of them while I were still alive. But again, unless it was a massive amount of money given in emergency circumstances I'd prefer to give them all equal help at the time, to keep it fair and balanced and to save any ill-feeling.

I know a couple who are very well off, and they have four DDs, one of whom is spoilt, lazy and spectacularly entitled. She lurched from one self-induced disaster to another her whole adult life, continually racking up debts and expecting her DPs to bail her out again and again. Nothing is ever her fault, she's always in complete denial and her partner's not much better.

They've bought her a house with cash TWICE (to save their own sanity and give her the security of not losing her home every time she lives too extravagantly and it catches up with her.) The first one she mortgaged to get to the equity, and then ceased to pay the mortgage so lost it. And they did it again because it was too traumatic to listen to her whine about how she couldn't possibly be expected to live on HB in a rented place.

She still sucks them dry and thinks nothing of manipulating them with guilt trips about how tough her life is, every time she wants expensive clothes for her kids, or a holiday that she and her partner can't afford without help.

But they've finally adjusted their will so that this is reflected when their estate is divided between her and her three sisters at the end. Her sisters (who are all sensible and live within their means) will get much, much more than her. I'm not sure she knows that though, so if she's still living it up expecting that a nice inheritance will be coming her way in the next ten years or so she's going to have a nasty and long overdue shock coming to her.

Wills are used by some parents to say clearly who is the most favoured child/ren.

That is why if there is a good reason for an unequal split, you should explain that to your children.

My FIL I am sure will be very vindictive in his will. He seems to enjoy causing divisisions.

Our wills treat our children differently, but for a very good reason. Both DSS and adult DD are left a small amount. DSS and DIL are financially fine and will be inheriting from other family members (grandparents and DIL's parents) and are fine with this. Adult DD and SIL are financially fine as well and will both be inheriting from other family members (grandparents and SIL's parents).

Our two youngest are still under 8 and living at home, and one is disabled. These two children will still need to be raised to adults and need more care and financial support so they will receive the bulk of any monies available.

We have, however, discussed this openly, so it's not a huge shock to anyone, and everyone agreed with the reasoning and felt it was fair under the circumstances.

Once the two youngest are over 18, then we will adjust the wills accordingly. DS1 will still have an extra amount, as he will need support throughout his lifetime and will have some additional needs. Again, it's all been discussed - not because we were asking "permission" to make the will this way, but to make our feelings known on it and make sure everyone understood WHY we did this.

Alice - You sound like very loving parents.

Exactly mothership. Just because someone is making a will doesn't make them suddenly a kind and thoughtful person. And I think as this thread has shown when its one parent who survives, they may not carry out the wishes of their deceased spouse.

Wills are a total minefield. I think its best to be as fair as is possible and discuss with family so there are no nasty surprises.

I understand that you need to make provision for a disabled child, but I do hope that once your other DD is over 18 that each of the three non-disabled children will be treated equally, irrespective of who will or won't be inheriting money from other relatives. That is besides the point.

I understand that you need to make provision for a disabled child, but I do hope that once your other DD is over 18 that each of the three non-disabled children will be treated equally, irrespective of who will or won't be inheriting money from other relatives. That is besides the point.

I only have one DD, so not sure where you got "your other DD" from.

And it's NOT "besides the point." It's PRECISELY the point. Once DS2 reaches 18, it will be adjusted, with provisions made for university fees and such, and amounts altered accordingly, provided he plans on going to university. If not, then another adjustment will be made from there, based on our family situation at that time and the outlook for the future.

Our children realise that any money left is not "reward money" for being our children to be doled out equally, but money to make sure they all have the opportunity to be financially stable first and foremost, with money to help if needed and available.

A lot of things can change in 15 years, and we will make adjustments that are needed when we reach that point.

As I said previously, my parents have their wills stating that the money is to be distributed equally amongst their grandchildren, instead of to their children. This is because one of my siblings has stolen thousands from them and would not use any inheritance other than to blow through it with no benefit to her children. So to make things "fair" to everyone, they settled on the grandchildren directly, as most of us are financially okay anyway. Whilst there was a bit of annoyance that we were passed over because of the actions of my sister, that annoyance was dismissed pretty quickly on my part. My parents have a right to leave their money to whoever (whomever?) they want, without interference from me or my siblings. And to be honest, I'd have used any inheritance to directly benefit my children anyway, so this just cuts out the middleman. My siblings are not thrilled about it (understatement), however that's too bad. They wouldn't be happy no matter what as they're quite grabby and selfish - having all started demanding money and items from my mother right after my father died a few years ago.

If you explain an unequal split then what good will it do? If you disagree with the split, insist on a change then whose will is it? You cannot unduly influence anyone when it comes to making a will. I realize that there are some people out there who will readily cause a family divide with a will.

A friend lost her dm. The df changed the will and spoke to her and her sister. An equal split between the two and a small percentage for each child. Sounds fair? Sister took issue because friend had more children. Father is still alive! I could give other examples. If you fall out before the person has died it risks upsetting the person making the will and you can end up pleasing noone.

Exactly. We explained the unequal split, but had they not agreed, that's tough. We have to do what is best for everyone and make sure that the youngest are provided for. An adult child's wish for more money does not come before the younger child's needs at that point in his life.

I would never presume to tell my parents to change their will. It's their money, their decision.

I could never foresee a circumstance when I would treat my children any differently to one another in this regard.Just becasue you can;t foresee it doesn't mean it won;t happen.

My sister married a millionaire and even though she "deserves" her share of my mothers estate (if there is anything left) even she admits she'll hardly even notice it.

My brother has fallen out with my mother for no very clear reason - other than he's a dickwad and we haven't seen him for a year. To the point that he totally ignored Christmas and my 8 yr old's birthday. He has a pension (retired early) and hasn't worked in 15 years and spends any money he gets on himself.

I am a single parent who had to give up work when I became ill, was unable to contribute to a pension because money became so tight and I'm now building up a business in the hopes that it will be flexible enough to deal with my increasingly sick mother and a child. But still no pension provision. Despite the fact that I've consistently worked harder than my brother all my life.

My mother has been in hospital 5 times this year, its me who goes to see her when she's in, feeds her cat, takes her on holiday when we can (she is disabled), its me who rearranges client meetings where necessary.

And I do it because she's my mother and I love her and I do get just as much back form her in other ways. But she wants to change her will to leave the majority to me. My brother expects to inherit a third - if she contacts him to discuss it then it will look like she's trying to blackmail him into seeing her again.

What would you do if you were my mother?

I am the only person in my family who knows the contents of a will.

I was brought up by relatives, I am thought of as their 'child' rather than their xxxx (don't want to give too much info away about what I actually am to them) and as such I am treated as a child in the will.

There is already a degree of jealousy and resentment towards me about my close relationship with the relatives that brought me up (thus saving me from a life of foster care) so I am anticipating problems. Plus my family can be petty and pathetic over the most trivial of things.

If and when it does all happen, I'll be glad they show their true colours and I just won't have anything to do with them again. I suspect other family members won't like it either, but again, they will just be showing their true colours and I won't be interested in trying to maintain a relationship with them.

My grandmother made my aunt and uncle (married) executors. After she died they decided to move into her house and that they were going to pay off the other beneficiaries when they sold their house. At the time the house was valued at 200k and since then house prices have risen by 10% so it should now be worth 220k. They got some valuations after they sold their house and offered us the median valuation of 187k. Basically they're trying to benefit from trashing the house to the value of ~33k. Wankstains.

It's not the money that is upsetting - my share of that 33k isn't an awful lot and my mum has decided to donate anything over x amount to charity. The upsetting thing is that my aunt and uncle are so happy to try and screw the rest of us over - they've really shown their true colours with all of this.

The only honourable thing for your brother to do in this situation is to split the inheritance between his uncles/aunts as his great-uncle wished. This is what happened in my father's family when one of his siblings was omitted from his fathers will (a substantial estate like your great-uncle's).

Upthechimney you are totally right and one of the uncles has basically 'suggested' that I ask him to share some of the proceeds with the aunts/uncles, and still keep a large portion for himself and his family. The amount of money is so large that there really is enough for everyone and he can do the right thing! I very much doubt that he will do it though as he has 5 children and just wants to look after them. It is going to be horrible, it will split the family and will ruin our relationship too, as I feel it is grossly unfair that his kids will have everything they could possibly need and mine won't, just because he is the eldest son of the eldest son. My father also plans to split his estate equally between the two of us, even though my brother will have basically won the lottery overnight!