Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

370 replies

UnhappyWeddingGuest · 31/12/2013 17:20

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

  • lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

OP posts:
justtoomessy · 01/01/2014 16:30

I think you would be incredibly rude to not go and I think YABU about your partner. She has given a very good explanation as to why and informed you of that and to be honest it sounds like she doesn't really have room at the evening do but is inviting him as she is thinking of you.

She has not met your partner of 2 years so you really aren't that close a friend. I've been to plenty of weddings on my own and where I would not have known anyone there apart from the married couple so would not be offended by people not inviting a partner that they had not met nor one that I was living with.

You will be treating your friend appallingly if you don't you and are very much stamping your feet like a toddler on this issue!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/01/2014 16:31

The 'we' will come from the fact that the parents of the bride may well be paying for it and will surely therefore be entitled to a say as to who comes. I would have hoped that the parents no longer footed the bill, but alas it ain't always the case!

Totally disagree. Both our parents gave us a contribution to our wedding, which was lovely and not expected. At no point did they ever tell us who to invite.

A gift should not have strings attatched.

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 16:33

Bride gave very brief/ not great explanation didn't she?
May have missed something.
I think op disappeared now.

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 16:36

You must have a different type of family to mine Pobble!!!!
Old Aunties and neighbours came as parents would have kicked off otherwise- and you know what... it worked brilliantly.
Yes 'my day' but also nice for older/ distant relatives/ cousins to get together and catch up. Nicer at a wedding than a funeral....

Delurkedforthis · 01/01/2014 16:37

I wasn't talking about a contribution Pobble, I was talking about where the parents of the bride are effectively the hosts.

Having said that, I think it would be denote a little bit of immaturity on the part of the couple (perhaps to the extent that they were not yet ready for marriage) if they refused to draw up the guest list in conjunction with their parents.

Delurkedforthis · 01/01/2014 16:38

Well said Sapphire

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/01/2014 16:43

Yes I have a family who were happy to let us get on with it and not interfere and understood that their next door neighbours who I don't even know do not take precedent over our friends!

They had nothing to do with our guest list and didn't expect to.

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 16:49

My relatives interfered but it was ok!
Great Uncle Herbert, old Cousin Gertrude etc came and it was lovely to see them [names similar ilk to those I have chosen here!].
My Granny wanted her ancient neighbour to come- well I was a bit surprised but hey ho...
I think there does need to be give and take. My parents were generous, my Granny bought the flowers and was excited.
Some guests couldn't come and the extra requested guests slotted in fine.
A wedding needs some eccentricity!!!

flowery · 01/01/2014 16:53

"Old Aunties and neighbours came as parents would have kicked off otherwise"

Goodness me, I'm glad I haven't got the kind of parents who "kick off" about this type of thing! Surely better to pay for your own wedding in that case?

Worried3 · 01/01/2014 16:55

OP, while I understand why you want DP there, I think YABU on a number of counts. It all boils down to one thing- is this perceived slight more important to you than your friendship and the relationship she has with your children? If getting your way re your DP going is more important, don't go to the wedding and tell her your DC are not going to be part of the wedding. If not, go as planned and try to enjoy seeing your friend happy- even if it's not in the ideal circumstances you would like.

I don't think you should not have discussed it with children before DP- and you certainly shouldn't have made it into a "choose between godmother and your (soon-to-be)step-father". That is actually quite vindictive on your part. And may affect the relationship your children have with their godmother.

The bride has explained why she has chosen not to invite your DP- and that you're not the only one in this situation. You either accept that as valid, or you don't. If you don't- again, don't go.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2014 17:02

flowery - me and DH paid for our own wedding and we still had parents putting pressure on us with regards to who we should invite. My DH gave in to his parents demands and invited his mum's friend and her husband - neither of which I'd met and my DH barely knew them either. He certainly hadn't seen them during the 3 years of our relationship. But, his mum kept pushing for them to come as apparently when my DH was young they always put money in his birthday cards...... Hmm

Me and DH got married quickly after he proposed and amidst all the stresses the guest list was by far the worst!! Smile

onedev · 01/01/2014 17:03

Has the Op disappeared?

XiCi · 01/01/2014 17:04

You have clearly outed this poor girl who has absolutely done nothing wrong. She has clearly explained to you why she can't invite your DP and that it is the same for everybody. He does not live with you, she has never met him, I'm surprised that he even has an evening invite and from her email she has clearly only invited him to be thoughtful to you.

The way you have spoken to your children about this before your DP is shameful and you have probably ruined for them what would have been a very enjoyable day. Your DP probably won't even be bothered about the day invite, why would he be? He's never even met her FFS. I see no reason why you can't go ahead with your original plan for a weekend away and your DP amuse himself for a couple of hours, other than your own bloody mindness.

Youre likely to upset a longterm friend and your 2 children, who you admitted were over the moon to be bridesmaids, it's a complete overreaction

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 17:12

Doubt the op will come back....
Hope all gets sorted though one way or the other op if you are still reading.

flowery · 01/01/2014 17:16

Same here Writerwannabe83 . We paid ourselves and MIL still took it upon herself to start inviting her mates to the evening do. Grin Until we said "Ahem"!

I just think that if someone is accepting money from their parents and the parents are liable to "kick off" about the guest list, surely better to politely decline the money and be in a stronger position to ignore the "kicking off"

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 17:20

I think flowery I didn't feel strongly enough about extras to upset my parents and my Granny. We paid for a good portion of our wedding and wasn't an OTT affair.

nkf · 01/01/2014 17:24

It depends on money and how tightly organised your wedding is. If you've gone in for seating plans and £50 a head meals then a few extras cause more hassle than if you are having a party at home and your mum is making the buffet.

SuperScrimper · 01/01/2014 18:10

I'd never have invited someone I'd never met to my wedding.

OP, you sound like a spoiled brat. Your reply was not 'diplomatic' it was passive aggressive at best and downright rude at worst.

flowery · 01/01/2014 18:16

Presumably it's likely that inviting partners whom the bride has never met would involve "bumping" several actual friends/family members she would like to have at her wedding. It's an interesting notion to think that's what she ought to do.

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 18:17

There were a couple of plus ones I had not met before at my wedding.
Must be more of an issue to some people than others....

flowery · 01/01/2014 18:19

I had one or two plus ones I hadn't met, although actually only one of them turned up in the end. But I didn't need to bump a family member/friend to accommodate them so it was no problem.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2014 18:19

It's an issue to people who can't afford to pay for strangers to come to the wedding.....

lilyaldrin · 01/01/2014 18:24

If you can afford to invite 50 people for dinner, then it is an issue if your choice is 50 people you know/love/are important to you - or 30 of those people plus their dates, meaning 20 dear friends are bumped.

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 18:28

One of the most irritating bridezilla things I have heard came from a friend of mine. 'Basically a wedding is a free day/ evening out for guests' she said. Crap! It is an expensive experience for most guests and brides and grooms should be aware of that.
Maybe 2x nights at a hotel fine if whole family invited but bit 'oh sod that' and send excuses if partner or one younger child excluded.
It will bother some people on principle and others financially, or both, or not bother person at all.

PosyNarker · 01/01/2014 18:29

I don't understand where the comments about having a cheaper venue to invite more guests are coming from. I would totally understand that if the bride was being unfair of inconsistent, but it doesn't seem that way to me.

Let's say someone has £10k for a wedding. It's surely up to them if they choose to spend that £10k on a luxury event for a small number of people or a buffet with several hundred extended family? As long as they behave consistently within reason (so not Auntie Sue can come but not Auntie Mary) I don't see the issue. People can size their wedding as they so wish and one of the ways they can do that is not to extend automatic plus ones to people they don't know.

To be honest I've been that plus one on a couple of occasions and I felt a bit of a prat anyway. Who wants to attend the wedding of someone they've never met? Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread