No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

So I can imagine the conversation: 'I'm not coming to the wedding and I'm pulling my DC out of the wedding party because my boyfriend who you've never met and I don't live with hasn't got a full day invitation'.

I mean that doesn't sound childish at all.

OP, your DP is no more important than any other of the partners they are unable to invite. All you are going to achieve is ruining the friendship.

A friend of mine's boyfriend was only invited to the evening do of a wedding I went to recently. The B&G didn't know him. He decided it was quite a long way so didn't go. That was it. There was no fuss, no arguement, no stamping of feet or tears.

At my wedding I had a friend (who was there with a group of friends) ask if she could bring a date. I said no and thought she was quite cheeky to be honest.

It seems that you've already decided what to do, but don't expect to remain friends. Even if you and the older two DC's just show up for a few hours then drive home, it would surely be better than hurting a long standing friend who obviously cares very much about your children to be including them in her wedding party. YABVVVU.

Having read the thread through YABU OP

She has explained why they can only issue your boyfriend with an evening invite and actually I think that is quite a generous gesture really. Her history and relationship is with you and your DC not him however important he is to you.

I think it's rather sad that you would decline the invitation and your DCs involvement with someone who looked after your DC for five years and who you claim is a close friend over a man

I have re-read your original post. I think you have manipulated your children's emotions into supporting your point.

UnhappyWeddingGuest, I'm not unsympathetic, I have a background similar to yours in that my first dh also took his own life. I think it's impossible to understand the far reaching effects unless you've been through it. I can see exactly how you've got this out of proportion but I'm afraid you have.

You've worked hard to get where you are, you've dragged yourself out of bed in the morning when it feels like hell, and you've pieced together a life for you and your dc's, and found happiness again, which doesn't take away the pain of the past.

But for heaven's sake, if you really don't feel you can go to the wedding alone then either ask for your dc's to be seated with you rather than top table so you won't be by yourself, or tell her quietly that you are honoured to be invited but don't think you can face it without support. Put the emphasis on your position, and not on her decision to invite your dp to the evening.

Everything we do alone, that brings back memories, is scary, but the anticipaqtion is usually worse than the event and there will always be things you have to get through that you don't think you can face, but you do. You're stronger than you think. Your friend hasn't made an unreasonable decision or done something to hurt you,my feeling is that you should go to the wedding, be there for your friend, like another poster said just go for a few hours - drive that day and come home after the meal. You will otherwise come across as being very, very unreasonable and cut off a good friend, and you know you'll need good friends in the future.

But like I said, if you can't face it, then tell her it's because of your feelings and not because her decision is unreasonable. Tell her you understand even if you don't. And try to get a grandparent or someone to go with your dc in your place. Or explain it differently to your dc as having to do this to support as friend, and not as having to choose between this and their stepfather. I think if you go, you will be glad you did.

namechange that's an excellent post.

I think namechange has the right approach for this. And people saying 'oh just suck it up and go and stop being childish' really do not have a clue as to how this may feel for you, especially if the bride was a nanny for you and your late dh, a lot of memories will be stirred for you.

And can I just say that many of the frankly odd approaches to weddings as evidenced here must be a very peculiarly British (English even?). I am not from the UK and have been to many weddings in my 43 years and have never been invited to one where I could not bring my partner. It is so sad to me that so many people have such mean spirited events. I agree with a previous poster who suggested that perhaps the venue should not dictate the event, rather the other way around.

Anyway, wishing you well OP, whatever you decide to do.

I don't understand how on MNet it's acceptable to invite single people with a plus 1 so they aren't on theor own and also acceptable not to invite an established partner because the bride and groom don't know them.

Crikey my dd is 15.5; one day she will have a wedding. There will be a budget and a guest list and I truly hope we don't offend anyone. Thee will also be a marriage (if she gets married) and I really hope that will take precedence over the party aspects.

YAB so U. It's rude and presumptuous to ask if your DP can come.
An invitation is just that, accept graciously or not at all.

Weddings are a minefield for all involved.
Things I have learned over the years- either ALL children or none [no in between crap], check re plus ones if unsure. Sometimes single person happy on own, in ops case friend perhaps too wrapped up in her wedding to think of how op might feel; a common bride to be flaw...
Be aware as bride or groom that guests have arranging to do too and it is not just a free day out for guests/ a jolly.
Make sure all invitations go out at the same time [eg family members all get invitations on approx same day; oh the hassle if don't!].
I am sure I made mistakes at my wedding and I have not always behaved well re slightly snubbing seeming invitations.
BUT you live and learn...
Hope you sort this out op.

Aaah come on OP. You're really over labouring the point about how long it took her to 'find someone special' and how hard it was for her to do this and how quickly it's all happened.

Your nose is just out of joint isn't it? You've always felt like you had one up on her because you viewed her as terminally single, desperate and likely to end up an old maid whereas you have been married, had children and have a new partner.

I don't think it's the fact that your partner isn't invited that's getting up your nose at all. It's the fact that she is now in a relationship and is getting married and your boyfriend won't even move in with you. And you feel like you've lost the upper hand and somehow her not inviting your boyfriend is now casting you in the terminally single and a bit desperate role instead.

You just don't like it that you've lost the thing that used to let you look down on her and patronise her do you?

Sorry, you're being ridiculously unreasonable. There's no reason why you can't go alone with your DC. Plenty of LP like me do that every single day, indeed if I only attended events with a partner I'd never leave the house...I've been to weddings where I've known no-one other than the bride, and where I couldn't bring my DC so I really was on my own. Yes it would've been nice if I'd been there with someone but you make the best of the situation.

If numbers were tight, I'd probably only invite established couples to the sitdown meal, not someone's boyfriend I'd never met. I think it's quite understandable in the circs she's only invited him to the evening.

The worst part for me is how you've manipulated your DC, you shouldn't have discussed it with them at all.

noname, do you know the op, or are you just horrible?

My word Noname you are one brave lady/man.

I don't know whether to high five you or be shocked. Either way, I hope you have a hard hat to hand!

A touch harsh Noname....

I'm assuming that the OP has anxiety issues, hence the concern about being "alone" at a wedding.

God know how you came to that conclusion Noname ??

Crikey my dd is 15.5; one day she will have a wedding. There will be a budget and a guest list and I truly hope we don't offend anyone. Thee will also be a marriage (if she gets married) and I really hope that will take precedence over the party aspects

Sorry but it'll be your daughter and her partners guest list. Where's this 'we' from?

noname that was disgusting.

OP you are not being unreasonabe. In fact I would go as far as to say you paid this woman's wages for five years and there should be a little more empathy. She expects you to pitch up and attend; I bet she's not paying your travel exppenses or hotel costs but still doesn't have the grace to invite your significant other/partner. What would it cost her compared to yopur putlay iin relation to attending this special day of hers - very little I suspect.

I'd love youi to have the last laugh - oh go on, nip down the registry office, spend a couple of huindred quid and let her know you and your dp have gone through a life changing and fiundamentally important ceremony, privately and inexpensively, without making a song and a dance or spending four figures on a frock. It was a marriage and an important thing to you and your DP.

I don't think you are wrong in any wAy and I hope your eventual marriage is as successful or more successful even than this fair weather chum's wedding.

Sorry but it'll be your daughter and her partners guest list. Where's this 'we' from?

The 'we' will come from the fact that the parents of the bride may well be paying for it and will surely therefore be entitled to a say as to who comes. I would have hoped that the parents no longer footed the bill, but alas it ain't always the case!

If you'd read the full thread, noname, you'd know that the op and her partner will be moving in together in the near future. You'd also know that they have been very cautious about introducing a new partner to the DC's, who have lost their father in a very traumatic way. It also won't have been easy for the OP to allow herself the happiness of a new relationship.

I doubt anybody who has lost a partner to suicide would feel lucky in comparison to someone who hasn't been through any such trauma and grief.

You're not a very nice person and haven't thought through the effect that your sneering could have on someone in this situation. Unless of course you're the bride? In which case perhaps the op wasn't being so unreasonable after all??

OP you are not being unreasonable. In fact I would go as far as to say you paid this woman's wages for five years and there should be a little more empathy.

Say what???????? Does this mean if I get married again (nay chance!!) I will have to invite all my former employers?

noname Did you mean to be so rude?

Weddings throw up different views. Eg, Family vs friends in pecking order. Know of weddings where things have got very heated as some favour Family [with a big EastEnders F] over friends and vice versa. I have been enveloped in fallout of that scenario.
Partners? Well think bride and grooms need to THINK and not just do blanket thing. Just because 'their day' does not mean they have the right to be thoughtless or uncaring. Sometimes just a little consideration would save so much hassle...
How are you doing op?

DeLurked forget Not, the OP might also be asked for a reference in the future. She won't probably give a bad one, but it might not glow. The only silly billy in all this is the bridezilla