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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

370 replies

UnhappyWeddingGuest · 31/12/2013 17:20

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2014 12:23

slainte - the venue we chose could hold up to 120 guests if space wasn't the problem, it was our budget that meant we could only afford 50. That's the point I was trying to make. Me and my DH would have loved to have had more people there but we just couldn't afford it.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2014 12:29

Sorry- above paragraph is supposed to say that the venue could hold up to 120 guests, space wasn't the problem. It was our budget which meant we could only have 60 in total - inclusive of bride and and groom.

NearTheWindmill · 01/01/2014 12:33

So why didn't you chose a cheaper venue writer?

HandbagCrazy · 01/01/2014 12:37

I think if her friendship means so much to you then a day celebrating with her, watching your children be part of a wedding, enjoying some nice food and most likely, perfectly nice company, is not very much to ask of you. I understand you feel your partner should be invited, but the day is about your friend and her husband-to-be, not you or your relationship.
You wont be on your own, your friend has said this situation is the same for everyone. Other guests will make friendly chit-chat with you during the meal so you wont be lonely.
I personally would book a hotel for yourself and the children (you can share a family room) and then give your partner the option of driving down to join you or not attending at all. His choice. He may not be anywhere near as bothered by this as you are.
The situation isnt ideal but its hardly worth risking a friendship over.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/01/2014 12:43

You shouldn't have involved your children to fight your battle.

So you're going to put the bride in an awkward position. Either you say you aren't coming which means you and the children are no longer part of the wedding party or you force the bride into creating an extra place for your DP. Either way you will cause a rift in your friendship.

Often people are restricted on numbers due to budget or venue, it doesn't mean you're having an expensive wedding because you can't invite everyone you've ever heard of.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2014 12:43

Because we loved the one saw. Plus, we got a £4'000 discount because we took a last minute cancellation date When we went looking at the venue we knew it wasn't in our budget, we just went to look at it because it was so beautiful. So when we were offered the date and discount and having a wedding there became an actual option we decided to take it. We could have chosen a cheaper venue, but why should we if the only reason we were getting married somewhere '2nd best' (in our eyes) was so that we could pay for people we didn't know to attend? If choosing that venue meant we were having to turn away close friends/family then we wouldn't have gone for it, but because we were still able to include in the 58 guests the people we most wanted there we decided to just go for it.

I have been invited to numerous weddings and my partner/fiancé/husband wasn't ( due to never having met them) and it has never been a problem. I would never expect someone to pay out and dismiss other people they know just so my partner could come with me. As per most wedding etiquette he was invited to the evening receptions, some he came to and some he didn't.

I just find it sad that B&G are put under such pressure to make choices to keep the guests happy - it is their special day and they should have the wedding they want without having to be judged by people.

lapetitesiren · 01/01/2014 12:54

I haven' t read the whole thread but why don' t you accept and say dp would love to come in the afternoon if anyone drops out- there are always no- shows. Drops a hint without offending and if he still only comes for evening you can just enjoy that.

Spermysextowel · 01/01/2014 13:10

My evening reception was also limited on numbers. Not because it was in a fancy posh venue where the catering per head was squillions of pounds but because there were only so many that could fit in a tent in my parents' back garden. The night before we were making coleslaw & potato salad for 40. Of course it would've stretched to 41 but none of our guests (& does not that mean someone who has been invited?) asked if they could bring a friend.

TheCraicDealer · 01/01/2014 13:16

Are people seriously saying that you should choose a venue that you don't want simply so that you can invite the world and their wife?

Anyway, OP, in my experience +ones are usually extended to those who may be on their own to ensure they don't have a crap day not knowing anyone. You're going with your two kids, so it's hardly like you'll be sitting like Miss Havisham in the corner on your own all day. Coupled with the explanation she's given you, YABVU.

I've been invited to a few evening do's when my boyfriend has got an invite to the ceremony and reception. We've been together three years, moving in together this year and potentially getting engaged. Perhaps because I'm conscious of the choices I'll have to make with guest lists, budgeting, etc., I try to cut the b & g a bit of slack.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/01/2014 13:17

I think a PP has hit on something with the dynamic here. The OP was the bride's employer but of course the OP's older DCs were her charges (bride was a nanny). The OP's older DCs have been invited to participate in the wedding.

In the bride's eye I wonder if the main guests are in fact the OP's older DCs. OP has been invited out to facilitate the attendance of her DCs. OP's DP has been invited purely as a courtesy.

IME people dont send out wedding invitations in a deliberate attempt to snub or offend the invitees. It is quite possible that while the bride knows that the OP has a bf she quite possibly does not know the depth of the relationship especially as the OP and her partner dont live together.

OP should be very careful of taking offence when none was given. Accept or decline the invitation but either way do it politely.

ceres · 01/01/2014 13:27

"Are people seriously saying that you should choose a venue that you don't want simply so that you can invite the world and their wife?"

imo you choose the venue to accommodate the size of function you are holding.

lilyaldrin · 01/01/2014 13:30

Surely the size of the function (or the amount of people you can afford to feed) is based on who you know and want to be there. I'm also amazed that anyone thinks you should have to plan a wedding budget to include boyfriends you have never met, or even bump people you do know to invite those you don't. Maybe money is no object for some people, but most people have to draw a line somewhere - and normally it's at people they know!

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2014 13:32

Well said lily

SoupDragon · 01/01/2014 13:54

I can't go without DP

Sometimes we have to do things we are not comfortable with for the sake of our friends. Lord knows I've done things for friends which were so out of my comfort zone it's unbelievable. As well you know.

razmataz · 01/01/2014 14:08

I think YABU OP. Your friend's reasons for not inviting your OH to the whole day are perfectly valid, and I think to refuse to go at all would be very surly and probably mean the end of your friendship.

As others have suggested, why not go to the blessing, skip the meal and go to the evening part? I'm sure if you explained to your friend she would be happy to invite your DP to the blessing to support you, and you could both skip the meal.

There are plenty of ways around this - if you refuse to go then you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 01/01/2014 14:16

Nearthewindmill - how does someone invite people to share in their "marriage" not just the wedding, as you propose? Sounds a bit pampas-grassy to me! Don't see why I should have to have a buffet in a church hall rather than a venue of my choosing so I can invite a stranger to it. Was quite a big deal to me and dh that we actually knew, and cared for, everyone who was at the wedding.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/01/2014 14:21

Yabu.
Yabu.
Yabu.

She has not even met your boyfriend. You dont live together. You have only been dating two years. I think it is crass of you to expect an invite for him for the full day.

She has invited YOU, and the children she has known for years and years to be part of ceremony. You come across as stroppy and entitled. Sorry.

jacks365 · 01/01/2014 14:21

When I was looking around to book my wedding there were two key figures, minimum number of people and maximum budget. Key people was approximately 60 that didn't include non essential plus ones but what we did find was that the more people a venue could take the higher the cost per head so adding say 10 plus ones wouldn't just have meant adding the cost of 10 meals but also added about £15 a head to every meal. It is a minefield and just suggesting picking a cheaper or bigger place often isn't the answer. In this case it does sound like the bride has given it a lot of thought before making the decision and tried to inform you considerately. If you are going to pull your dc out please do it as soon as possible before any more dress fittings it wouldn't be fair otherwise.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2014 14:25

If you don't like it, don't go. After all it's not your wedding is it?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 01/01/2014 14:25

I used to be a nanny. We were all close. When I got married the dad gave me away, the child was my page boy and the whole family sat on the top table with me. Doesn't seem that this ex nanny sees things the same way I did, or you do, OP.

pixiepotter · 01/01/2014 14:31

YANBU what is your poor DH supposed to do, hanging about all day!!

nkf · 01/01/2014 14:38

I don't understand why you would stuff up a long term friendship with the your children's godmother over an invitation to a man you don't live with, aren't married to and have only been with for two years.

If I were him, I would decline unless I thought it would be a good party.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 01/01/2014 14:42

Pixie, I think you have missed the point re the dh!

SapphireMoon · 01/01/2014 14:44

I think bride and grooms should have the day they want BUT should not expect not to be judged for it.
I think in their Wedding frenzy they forget sometimes it is not just them forking out. Presents, clothes, petrol, hotel rooms often, childcare if wondrous child free event. Not exactly a free lunch for the guests...

blahe · 01/01/2014 14:47

So are you going or not?

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