No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

To be honest I would decline. B and G can invite who they like and invitees can decide whether to accept or not. But that's after I've spent the last 10 years travelling the length and breadth of the country to weddings where we have been invited to various combinations of events; the worst involving being stranded in the middle of nowhere, with nowhere to eat, for hours on end, with the hotel refusing to give us any food because they were so busy with the wedding breakfast, and slowly realising that we were one of only a handful of couples not invited to the wedding breakfast. We hung out in reception and listened to the merriment in the wedding breakfast room while A list guest snuck us food parcels from their meals.

These days I'm not prepared to spend that much money and sacrifice that much family time if we're treated as second class citizens. I would wish the bride and groom well and would never a grudge but money and time off from work with the DCs is too precious. A local evening do without the kids, fair doos, but no to travelling, hotels, expense and hardly seeing the DCs for a weekend. Rant over.

Threads like these remind me why DH and I buggered off to a registry office with a couple of witnesses and invited everybody to a room above a pub for a knees up afterwards. Bliss.

""Quite upset" you haven't met him yet? "

And yet she hasn't met your "seriously committed" partner of two yrs either??

Are you as friendly as you think?

Exactly. If you're that good friends why has she not met your DP?

She has explained why she cant invite your DP but you seem to have taken it quite personally. If she invites your DP then she probably can't invite one of their friends or family members. That's not ok.

Weddings can't always accomodate everybody. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. But instead you're risking turning into an annoying guest who thinks everything should go their way and giving the bride and groom more stress. Don't ruin the friendship over it.

I think the suggestion above is an excellent one actually. Go to the blessing, skip the meal and attend in the evening with DP. this way you can explain your feelings and save her the cost of one meal but still attend the majority of the day.

I've just read the email she sent you. Bloody hell if that doesn't explain her position to you and you're still bleating on then I'm sorry but you're a nightmare. She's probably thinking the same, poor woman. What is it about 'we are very limited numbers wide for the wedding breakfast hence no partners. This will be the same for everybody. Very sorry.' don't you understand? And it's 1.5 hours away. Not a bloody trans-Atlantic flight away.

Do people really decide that becuase they want to get married at xxx hotel/stately home etc that they are then happy to have to miss people off the guest list because the venue isn't big enough or costs eleventy million pounds per head? The venue being more important?

People have some very funny ideas about weddings, they really do. If I had a friend in your position OP, your OH would be on the guest list whether I'd bloody met him or not. Common fucking sense.

But that's the issue with weddings neffi, you think your thinking is common fucking sense, while others think it's common sense to invite people they know and like rather than a partner, they have never met, of someone they don't see that often.

People generally chose they wedding venue because they really like it.

And It's not just a plus 1 situation is it? It's inviting a family but leaving one member of the family out. And while I'm on a roll and getting annoyed on your behalf OP, I really dislike not inviting children to weddings. Child free weddings my arse!

I think there are enough varying opinions on here that the OP can see it's not an intentional slight and should let it go. This wedding is one of the biggest days of her life. Don't marr it by whining about your OH missing out on a few hours. Just go, enjoy yourself, and look forward to your OH joining you later. Sometimes you can't have everything you're own way. Don't risk your friendship over this.

Sorry Moin, x posted. Probably investing too much emotional energy into this. It's displacement I think.

If people are spending their own hard earned on their wedding they're free to plan it as they choose, just as you're free to decline the invitation and stay at home with your cat bum mouth slagging of the bride for making vulgar selfish decisions about the way they start their marriage.

Your friend has explained that partners aren't being invited as a general thing,not just yours. Can't you spend a few hours at the blessing and reception and then see DP later.

It's also only a 90 minute drive, that's nothing.

Can't you just be happy for her and fit around her plans. It's only one afternoon.

I think it is a shame that she (and people in general) can't make an exception to her rule (or her mothers ?) though to take account of individual circumstances The OP could probably use the support of her DP if she is going to attend the reception with her DC.

Just because someone is getting married doesn't mean there should be any lack of respect for other relationships of guests who may not be married. Their relationship may be just as important to them as yours is to you.

neffi - I wouldn't assume a boyfriend I haven't met, who isn't the father of any of the children and doesn't live with them is a member of a family. It's exactly a "plus 1" situation! Despite that, the bride has still invited him to the reception, she's just tight on numbers for the meal.

OP - why don't you and your DP both just skip the meal?

Sorry Op but I'm another who thinks that YABU & agree with the posters who suggested that you're not actually as close as you think.

That said, I do understand where you're coming from & in your position, I'd politely decline the invitation saying that unfortunately you're not up to attending without your DP & therefore sadly your DC won't be able to take part either.

This isn't even her wedding, it's a blessing, and she's chosen a venue that can't cope with the number of people she needs to invite to avoid making things difficult for her guests.

I think that's bridezilla. If you want your wedding/blessing day to be a brilliant celebration for both yourself and your guests, you accommodate your guests needs before choosing a fancy venue with number restrictions. Some people think the pretty surroundings are more important than their guests feeling welcome and accommodated, and they just don't deserve people to spend their own limited disposable income on attending when they can't even bring their own nearest and dearest.

We had a few people we barely knew to our wedding, because we have everyone a plus one if they didn't automatically come with someone we would have invited anyway. Those people didn't join in with all the photos and were happy and polite and respectful about the fact that they were plus one guests. It wasn't a problem at all, and the people they came with were happy that they had someone to share travel/accommodation and quiet parts of the day with.

Do agree with WooWoo in that the B&G should try to ensure everyone's day and weekend is as good as possible.

Despite the popular cliche (beloved of the wedding industry) it's not just "their day"

Spermy could I just say that's one of the nicest posts I've read recently. To accept with good grace "the pecking order" and to embrace a wonderful event not with resentment or offence, but with generosity of spirit - can we have more of this kind of thing please?

YABU but, as you know, I can't say more than that.

And yes, you've outed the bride to anyone who knows.

To be honest, OP, she really doesn't sound as close to you as you describe. That must be very hurtful but look at the facts:

• You lost your previous DH (so sorry) and she knew that.
• She knows you have a new partner even if she's never met him.
• You're invited to the wedding and your children are taking part in it.

I would have though that the convention would be for a family where children have been asked to participate would automatically be included en bloc.

Before you speak to your partner, ring your friend and speak to her, giving her the 'out' to say this was an oversight otherwise I can see your family not attending at all and this really would cause a rift in your relationship.

The saddest part of all this is that the wedding bit, the party, has become more important than the marriage. The marriage, the permanent commitment of one's love in a legally binding agreement, is actually the important bit, not the party. That's the bit that people should be invited to and to share with the happy couple. If after that bit there is wedding breakfast then the wedding breakfast needs to tailored to meet the budget available. If the budget stretches to a beautiful venue with champagne, favours and a three course meal for 150 lovely. If the important people are as many as 150 then those people still have to be catered for equally so the party needs to be revised and it might be a church hall or a function room with a buffet and a sparkling wine toast. Far better I'd have thought to have French bread, cheese and pate and a modest wine and include everyone you know and love enough in the celebration to honour the marriage than to have some extravagant, beyond the budget affair so the bride can pretend to be a princess for the day. The true princess is the one who treats here guests with good grace.

Isn't there a saying on here that it takes "village" to raise a child - shouldn't a marriage pull back towards reality a bit and recognise again that it takes a community and love to support a marriage to allow the village to raise the child that hopefully will be one of the outcomes of a happy and succesful marriage.

Oh... reading back through the thread now and it isn't a wedding but a blessing and you have actually taken this up with her - and she's replied.

You really shouldn't have talked about this with your children though, totally unnecessary until a decision was made either way.

Hope you can sort out your friendship, OP. It does sound a bit odd.

I've read the whole thread and sorry but I think your being ur I also think your being a bit dramatic.

Just decline the invitation or put on your grown up pants and attend.

With numbers and cost per head she may have had to not invite someone she knows for someone she doesn't know (your DP).
Sadly people sometimes have to make tough choices. I speak from experience as I invited my work mates on there own but partners could come later. It meant I could invite people dear to me and not a lot of strangers.