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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

370 replies

UnhappyWeddingGuest · 31/12/2013 17:20

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

  • lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2013 20:30

Well, you need to decline the invites asap and accept that your friend will be very disappointed.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2013 20:31

Actually, have you even received official invites as yet? Seems a bit early if the wedding isn't until the summer. If she met your DP in the interim she may change her mind and invite him.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 31/12/2013 20:40

You seem very sensitive and to be thinking that she is purposefully disrespecting you / trying to cause upset. If you've been on mumsnet for a while you'll know weddings are fraught with difficulties, people have very different expectations about them and what is or us not acceptable.
She has invited all the adult members of your household. Your DP is rightly very important to you but he is not a member of your household/family as far as the public are concerned is he? I do think telling the dcs first was looking for a negative reaction, and they have answered in a way that supports what you want.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 31/12/2013 20:42

I think my post might sound harsh which I don't mean it too - as an outsider you do seem to be at risk of losing a friendship over something that is almost definitely down to finances.

somethingchristmassy · 31/12/2013 20:51

I think perhaps because of your background you are extra-sensitive to your dp and youngest son not being considered "proper" family? That's understandable.

However, you will not need help with teenage children on the day. You won't be eating with strangers because your dc's will be there.

There is no way of saying something without this friendship ending, or cooling off, imo. Either she will change her mind and decide everyone invited, in which case you'll all feel awkward on the day. Or, none of you will go and you'll have ruined her wedding, or stopped it being as she wanted it.

imo - it's her day, your dp can go to the service then rejoin you for the evening "do" - you'll only be away from him for 2 or 3 hours. try to feel flattered that your friend wants your children as such a big part of her day.

Not inviting one sibling whilst the others have a role in the wedding would bother me a lot more tbh.

diddl · 31/12/2013 21:00

Well if you can't go without him then I think that you need to decline ratherthan try to get an invitation for him.

You have have been through a lot, but I can see your friend's side in not inviting your OH tbh.

Original poster
UnhappyWeddingGuest · 31/12/2013 21:25

somethingchristmassy. I am sensitive it it, but they are my family and that is what counts. I totally accept youngest DS not being invited It is a "no children" day.

My Teenage DCs will need transporting 90 mins by car on the day to the brides house, and transport home again. They are minors and cannot stay in a hotel unsupervised. I will not let them travel home with a guest who could have been drinking. Both older DCs are part of the wedding party, the bride could extend an invite to me and DP?

DCs will be on the top table and are fully involved, I am single guest. It is a blessing not a church service so it is by invitation only.

As a family we were going to stay local to the wedding but I will not be letting DP pay for 2 rooms in a hotel for 2 nights just for him to come to the evening do

It is her wedding but if she has made a decision that I cannot accommodate I have no alternative but to decline.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas : I am a name changer, I have been on MN since a year after its inception.

OP posts:
lilyaldrin · 31/12/2013 21:36

Is the problem that you don't drive? Can your DP really not entertain himself for a few hours during the wedding?

MerylStrop · 31/12/2013 21:45

I can see why you would like your DP there

But I think you are getting stuff out of proportion to consider it an insult or that DP not part of your family etc, it's simply not the case, unless your friend is a properly not nice person.... And I think you have better judgement than that.

ceres · 31/12/2013 22:02

"It is her wedding but if she has made a decision that I cannot accommodate I have no alternative but to decline."

i agree completely and would politely decline.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 31/12/2013 22:10

In that case, you know how it is! Unless you sensibly stay away from AIBU most of the time Grin But really, you keep describing things as if she has not invited you either, just the dcs. That is not the case.
You don't have to go, but what a shame that your teenagers can't either (if they were truly keen).

Original poster
UnhappyWeddingGuest · 31/12/2013 22:16

She is a nice person, I adore her. This is why I am so miffed. She just doesn't see it important to me or the DCs that my DP is part of her celebration. If we were just guests I could understand it, but the DCs are part of her wedding party because she holds them dear.

I do drive but don't feel I could drive a total of 4.5hrs and still attend a wedding blessing by lunchtime, it is unreasonable to ask anyone to do this alone ... and herein we are back to my original point about no plus 1

I am exhausted emotionally from this. I will probably see in the new year asleep on the sofa !

OP posts:
Jengnr · 31/12/2013 22:18

She's invited you but not your partner and two out of three of your kids??? That's madness.

If it's a no children wedding she doesn't invite your kids but you and your partner go. If she wants your kids there she invites all of you.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2013 22:28

I thought the wedding was 1.5 hours away - surely that's easily driveable by lunchtime?

I still think you've got time to introduce your DP to your friend and then she may actually invite him. But it is quite normal nowadays with constraints of numbers/money to not invite people whom the bridal couple have never met.

lilyaldrin · 31/12/2013 22:30

It's unreasonable to ask someone to drive alone Confused How do you think single people manage? Most people are capable of travelling somewhere without another adult.

MidniteScribbler · 31/12/2013 22:32

I think it's rude. The bride and groom's "special day" is not an excuse for them to act like twerps. Being a good host/hostess does not stop just because you're putting on a frilly white dress.

lilyaldrin · 31/12/2013 22:35

I think it's quite nice of the bride to extend an invite to a boyfriend she's never met Grin

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2013 22:36

Me too lily. I'd actually feel a little more upset at the 6 year old being left out bearing in mind his siblings were meant to be part of the bridal party.

lilyaldrin · 31/12/2013 22:41

I wouldn't have a child-free wedding personally, but I understand why people do - he's not the only small child being excluded.

redmayneslips · 31/12/2013 22:56

I think these circumstances are exceptional and not in the normal realm of wedding invite angst. I do think the bride is being insensitive and if she is as nice as the OP thinks she is, and she is fully aware of the situation the OP has been through, wouldn't you think she would be only delighted to see the OP happy with her new partner despite having been through what can only have been to hell and back? If she is a true friend she should want to see you happy on the arm of your new love and thrilled for you that you have this chance to be happy again.

I think she has been utterly insensitive to these very very particular circumstances and I too would be very hurt by this.

Earlspearl · 31/12/2013 23:08

When is the wedding? Can you invite the couple for an evening meal? It is a bit weird inviting someone you have never met before to a wedding.

MerylStrop · 31/12/2013 23:28

Honestly it's not unreasonable to ask someone to attend a wedding alone, driving there or not. And you won't be alone your kids are in the wedding party.

I think you are being hurt when you shouldn't....she's not met your DP, you have months to workout logistics, and run the risk of really hurting your friend. Badly.

angeltulips · 31/12/2013 23:49

As a foreigner, I've never understood the English thing of having a meal and then a evening do, with some people only invited to the latter. It seems incredibly crass to me full stop. And sad as well - the actual ceremony is the best bit!

But if I were you I would talk to her. Objectively I think you're being U, but can understand that this night be a situation where you are reasonable in being unreasonable. Why not just ring her? Please stop winding up your kids about it though, that's not fair on her or them.

FlowerytaleofNewYork · 01/01/2014 00:33

If you're that close isnt it a bit strange she's not met your DP? Maybe she doesn't realise how serious the relationship is if you don't live together and he hasn't met your close friends yet.

Also a bit strange that a wedding 90 minutes away would involve 4.5 hours driving to get there, or was that a typo?

If it's that important to you that you would rather miss a close friend's wedding than attend part of the day without your DP, ask her if it's possible for him to attend.

shoom · 01/01/2014 00:59

I understand if you decline the invitation.

I think you've been quite clear. If DP is invited then you'd travel as a family on Friday, stay in a hotel overnight and take your DC to her home on Saturday morning to get ready.

If DP isn't invited then you'd be traveling very early on Saturday morning to get your DC there, maybe getting up at 6am or similar to get them there for 8-9am?

And your DC may be busy all day so yes you could be essentially alone and making small talk with strangers while feeling quite emotional and appreciating a bit of support. Lots of people may be happy introducing themselves to strangers but that doesn't mean the OP is wrong if she isn't one of them. And presumably the bride is well aware of how much DP means to OP and her DC.

Hopefully you can speak to the bride about this. If DC don't want to attend as bridesmaids etc that's up to them. DP could be invited all day or DC can attend as guests meaning a more relaxing start to the day and company for OP. Or decline.