No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I feel sorry for the 6 year old though. Doesn't get to see his siblings be part of a wedding party and everyone else is going to some part of the wedding except him.

[WorraLiberty]

I think YABU

Sending your boyfriend an evening invite was a lovely thing to do.

This sounds a bit cold though OP....

then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only.

'Hang around' for 5hrs to watch her get married?

You make it sound like that's the least important event of the day

[SaucyJack]

I expect she wants an intimate marriage ceremony with her nearest and dearest- not complete strangers.

I think you're taking it too personally.

[lilyaldrin]

I got invited to a friend's wedding when DP (and DS) didn't. The bride had never met DP.

It didn't occur to me to throw a hissyfit over it and refuse to go. And do you know what, I managed to survive for a few hours without my boyfriend there to hold my hand.

[HaveToWearHeels]

I think it's a little bit tactless of the bride. I do understand that it is her wedding however she should have your feelings in mind, sounds like you have had a rough time of it. When I got married in 2011, I invited a dear friend and her new partner who I hadn't met. I have been friends with her for 24 years, was bridesmaid at her wedding 20 years ago (now divorced). We probably see each other once or twice a year, but keep in contact via email and phone regularly. I wanted her to enjoy herself so felt it was appropriate to invite her partner.

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

WorraLiberty They are getting married the previous day for the intimate ceremony, this the blessing and wedding reception. I am genuinely pleased she has met someone, I just am smarting at her insensitivity.

[Delurkedforthis]

I just am smarting at her insensitivity.


Well given that you have named the very specific locality where this is taking place, along with the time of year, and these very particular circumstances, you have pretty much outed her, and she may well be feeling the same.

As someone else has said, she hasn't met your DP, you're not living together: this hardly seems to be lack of tact and sensitivity of the highest order.

You seem to be making this event all about the convenience and happiness of you and your family: if it's too much of an ask for you to be surgically removed from your DP for a few hours then don't go...but please don't make her feel bad about it.

[FlowerytaleofNewYork]

"she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers"

If that's how you view her wedding, as what sounds like a complete inconvenience, then perhaps it's best you decline.

You don't even live with your DP. Lines have to be drawn somewhere and perhaps she's drawn it at living together partners invited, others not?

I agree it sounds as though she's been a bit insensitive but you sound as though you've taken it spectacularly over dramatically tbh.

[LadyInDisguise]

Well if the bride knows the OP so well then she should know about her DH commiting suicide, the impact of it on her and her dcs as well as the fact she has had a DP for longer than she knows her future DH. She will also know how committed their relationship.
I am at the fact it is OK to have some sort of evaluation from the bride/groom as to the 'commitment' in the relationship. ie if you aren't living together than you're not really a couple and we can afford to invite one partner but not the other attitude.

If I was the Op, in these circumstances, I would have an issue with my partner being consider 'less than' tbh

[FlowerytaleofNewYork]

"She has suggested that as she understands DP and I would like a nice weekend away together that he is invited to the evening"

Sounds thoughtful to me, not "astoundingly crass".

[FlowerytaleofNewYork]

But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Unless the couple have space and finance for everyone to bring a random plus one that the guest met the previous day, they have to draw a line. Otherwise people will start dating someone a week before the wedding and expect to bring them.

The bride has not even met the DP. Perhaps they've felt they needed to draw the line at having complete strangers at their wedding, who knows.

[matildamatilda]

God, I can't imagine why people do this A List/B List nonsense. It never ends well.

It's an invitation. Just decline.

[JodieGarberJacob]

Just coming on to say what ladyindisguise said. Didn't realise it was the norm to be invited to a wedding alone unless you have a live-in partner. There were lots of strangers at my wedding to ExH but they were there as plus 1s to my friends, never occurred to any of us to invite singles. How unfeeling. But obviously we all think differently.

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

LadyInDisguise

Thank you. Of course she knows everything it was less than 4yrs ago and she knows DP and I are committed.

Whoever said I have outed the bride. There are plenty of venues in the area that hold wedding blessings in the summer.

[damnitchloe]

Unless brides & grooms have unlimited finances & unlimited space lines have to be drawn somewhere. We had a biggish wedding (150 to sit down) but didn't want to invite people all day that we hadn't met before (instead of another friend) so we didn't invite any partners we hadn't met. We did invite partners nearer the time to the evening & we were really chuffed when one of these came to the church too. It's the bride & groom's day, they only do it once & they get to decide how. If you are such a good friend, my view is you should put her wishes ahead of yours & do what she would like for her big day. I don't see how your DP can be offended not to be invited to wedding of someone he has never met & my DH would have been delighted to be invited in the evening in those circumstances & quite relieved to miss all the speeches. It's her day. I really hope you can put your friend first for a few hours.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I just think its down to numbers and someone she hasn't met isn't going to be a priority over friends/family.

[Delurkedforthis]

Whoever said I have outed the bride. There are plenty of venues in the area that hold wedding blessings in the summer.

I think I must be whoever. For goodness' sake the town is tiny and the cirx are very specific...it honestly seems like you wanted to out her.

Unhappy you have clearly had it very tough, and you have my total sympathy and truly I don not know how one would ever get over something like that...your over reaction is really understandable...but it IS an over reaction. She is not being 'crass' or 'insensitive'...she's just planning a wedding and trying to please all the people all of the time. I'm buggered if I would bother, but I do think you should cut her some slack. She clearly wants you and your family in her life. And the logistics don't seem insurmountable to me.

[KeatsiePie]

Huh, the time DH and I were on the second-tier list, we got invited to the wedding ceremony itself but not the reception. I think b/c reception meal is a cost per guest, which wedding venue/church is not. It became a bit awkward as DH had gotten the invitation, not me (we were not married then) and hadn't noticed that we were not invited to the reception. It was a little weird to be standing around after the ceremony with everyone and then slowly realize that they were all heading off to a reception to which we were not invited. /pointless musing.

Unhappy sorry for the digression. I wouldn't be pleased; it seems a little insensitive. But since she knows your history, she may not be insensitive, but simply in a tough place i.e., if she has had to draw the line at married/living together couples for cost reasons, she can't then turn around and start making exceptions or she will hurt other people's feelings. If you are close, she may be counting on you to understand how hard it is to include everyone fully when it's such an expensive event, and counting on you to already know that she loves you and values your happiness and is glad you have your DP.

If your kids were little I would think she should have invited your DP so you would not struggle, as it would be much harder to manage little kids and their clothes and the timings on your own -- but surely two teenagers can get themselves packed for the trip and dressed for the day without you having to do much?

[WaitMonkey]

I honestly don't know. I've changed my mind at every post.

[DorrisM]

I think you're overthinking it and it's really not a big deal. She may have thought that your DP would be looking after your younger DS during the day and could get a babysitter for the evening. Either way her connection is with you and your dc's, weddings are expensive and it's totally normal to not be able to invite everyone that you would in an ideal world. I think you should remember who's day it is and be happy for her.

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

OK I will probably sit and cry, overcome with emotion seeing the bride so radiant and happy and getting married with my DCs being part of it. I will feel like the 2nd mother of the bride). Of course it will bring back my past (she worked for DH and myself for a very long time as the DCs nanny) It will also make me think of my future. Since the huge breakdown I had a few years ago I am not sure I will cope without having my partner there. I dont know many of the brides friends they are all 20 years younger than me and will be with partners. In fact this reply had decided it. I can't go without DP. Simple done Thank you everyone

Delurked The hotel is a good 10 miles away from Uckfield, it was a random town in the general area chosen without too much thought.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Hang on, she's never met your DP and you don't live together. Maybe there are people she does actually know that she would rather invite. Weddings are number limited so maybe she just can't fit your DP in.

Why are you worrying so much about organising your children? They're teenagers, not toddlers. I'm sure they can dress themselves.

I think you are overreacting and involving your children isn't fair. Her wedding doesn't revolve around you, sometimes you have to be tough with numbers. Dont forget her DP will be inviting people too, it's not just her guest list!

[KeatsiePie]

Wait you're the OP? I'm sorry her decision hit you so hard. One thing I think for sure is that she absolutely could not have meant to hurt you with the invitation. She may have been thoughtless and insensitive, or she may not have been be but you misinterpreted, but either way I really don't think she meant to make you feel bad. It's just that unfortunately it has made you feel bad, b/c you've been through a lot (for which I am sorry, and glad you have your DP now). So your emotions are intersecting with her decision in a way that's painful for you, but I think not in a way that is her fault. And so I'd walk away from it for a little while ... see how you feel in a week or two. Let the emotions play out.

[KeatsiePie]

Oops, I guess Wait is not the OP, sorry, hope rest of my post is still useful.

[redexpat]

Why dont you just ask if dh could be included? Explain to her how important it is for your dcs?It will be because of cost or space. Not rudeness.