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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my parents to lend me money?

92 replies

wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:34

I have namechanged for this as its very identifying and I suspect a bit bratty.

When my sister and her dh bought their first house my parents lent them the deposit (tens of thousands). Ten years or so down the line (a ecouple fi year's ago) they borrowed the same amount again to move to a bigger house.

At the same time my younger sister borrowed the same amount.

These loans are paid back with interest and my parents funded them by remortgaging.

Dh and I have never had this help, we have been fortunate in that he bought property years ago so we had a deposit for a family home.

However, we do need a bigger house. Ds1 is 11 and shares a room with ds2 who is 2. We thought we could afford to move but we are finding that we are 30k o so short of what it will cost. We have savings that will mature in 18months so can wait it out, but there is a house available now that ticks all our boxes and we would love to buy it.

I tentatively broached the subject with my mum and got a hollow laugh and a 'the bank of mum and dad is empty'.

Aibu to vent here about this because I can't in real life? It makes me sound like such a brat but I am so hurt and sad. It probably worth adding that my sister's house is bigger than ours and they have a smaller family.

Wahwahwah.

OP posts:
Original poster
wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:35

Sorry about the typos, it's my kindle, it has a mind of it own.

OP posts:
HarryTheHungryHippo · 31/12/2013 10:37

It does reek a bit of favouritism however it may just be a case of your sister asked first, they didn't think you'd need to ask and they genuinely don't have any money left now

QuintessentialShadows · 31/12/2013 10:39

You could raise your eyebrows and say "that is strange, considering you have never borrowed from the bank of mum and dad, and you believe payments were with interest"

JumpingJackSprat · 31/12/2013 10:40

Yanbu to think is unfair. Seems your siblings have drained them. At least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did it by yourself without any help. Is there no easy you can find the money? Negotiate on the house and talk to the mortgage lender?

BananaNotPeelingWell · 31/12/2013 10:41

You're brave posting this on mn. You'll be told you're bratty and entitled blah blah. But I agree with you and can see why you feel the way you do. I think big financial gestures of help towards your dc should be fairly distributed or not done at all otherwise there will inevitably be feelings of resentment. And who would want to stir that up amongst their dc?

FredFredGeorge · 31/12/2013 10:41

Your parents didn't have the cash, but they found it to help out, they now can't find it - I guess they're older and don't have the same option to remortgage now - and even then it's likely not a good idea.

If it's sane for your parents to lend you the money, then it's sane for someone else to based on the guaranteed savings maturing in 18 months?

Original poster
wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:45

I just can't get my head round the fact they helped my sister twice, and helped her move to a far bigger house than they needed, when we have been in a too small house forever. When we bought this house it was too small, really, but they never once suggested a loan to help out, and we didn't ask. This was after my sister's first house but before the second.

I just think it's unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:46

And I don't like how this makes me sound, either.

OP posts:
janey68 · 31/12/2013 10:51

I don't think anyone should expect freebies from parents, whether its cash hand outs, free childcare or whatever... However I totally agree with the above point that if such freebies are given, they should be given equitably otherwise it understandably causes resentment. If one child is given a massive financial advantage over another, of course it's going to smack of favouritism.

It's a bit unclear though how much of a freebie this actually was though, unless the loan terms were much more favourable than a bank or building society. If the parents simply offered the loan on the same terms as a bank, then why not go there OP? If on the other hand, the parents lent more than the banks would allow, or at a lower interest rate or over a more favourable time span then yes, I don't blame you for feeling a bit miffed

Without contradicting my point, I can also see that knowing you have achieved your goals independently without relying on your parents is a very satisfying feeling. We've never had hand outs and I'm glad. But then my siblings haven't either. If I knew my parents had treated us differently I think I would at least be questioning why

BlackDaisies · 31/12/2013 10:51

Sounds like a case of bad timing (asking now) and they are probably mortgaged up to the hilt. But you could pick her up on her comment, because if she feels like that it's got nothing to do with you. Maybe say, I didn't mean to offend you by asking, it's just I know you've been willing to lend tens of thousands to dsis and dbro and assumed you had the money to lend to all of us. But if it's left them with money problems you're shocked and sorry to have asked. I wonder what she would say to you?

ilovecolinfirth · 31/12/2013 10:53

I don't think it makes you sound bratty at all, it must be really frustrating for you. I think it sounds like you've managed to ask at the wrong time and they cannot scrape the money together. However, there are much more pleasant ways of saying the money's not there.good luck, I hope you find the money somehow. X

MammaTJ · 31/12/2013 10:55

It just isn't fair.

It really isn't. I don't think there is much you can do about it though, apart from maybe ask the reasons they helped your sisters but are unable to help you. If your sisters paid you back, as you were lead to believe, the money should be there.

BananaNotPeelingWell · 31/12/2013 10:55

I would feel exactly the sameSad Not sure what you can say without igniting the thing into a potential family row. Pil have always been way more 'supportive' shall we say to bil and family. It sticks in my throat no end, but I'll never say anything.

Original poster
wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:56

In both cases it was lending the difference between what my sisters could borrow from the bank and what they needed.

One sister pays it back monthly and the other has it invested in the house.

We could pay it back as a lump sum next April.

But my mum laughed in my face. I'm gutted, actually. Not just about the money but about the disparity.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 31/12/2013 10:57

I do understand your pov and it really doesn't feel fair, but tbh I suspect it's because they couldn't get/or are too old for a remortgage at this point in their life. After all the bank of mum and dad isn't really 'empty' - it was never full. They borrowed against their own home to release the money, it was never 'spare' money in the first place. Given the financial climate, I suspect remortgaging isn't a route they want to go down again.

Can't blame them for that, but agree it's not exactly treating all their children equally.

katatonic · 31/12/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyBanter · 31/12/2013 11:00

It is unfair. It may well be that they helped on a first come first served basis and now they are not in a position to help. That's tough luck but it is fine to be a bit disappointed and upset. But if their refusal was delivered in that manner then that's a bit mean. It comes across as you having a cheek to ask even though you've not asked before and your siblings have had the same favour.

Not much you can do though. Sad

KateAdiesEarrings · 31/12/2013 11:00

If they've ploughed the repayments back into their mortgage then they might not have the funds but I do understand why you feel it's unfair. Did you explain that you would be able to repay it and why you need it now? I'm wondering if your tentative ask meant your dm didn't take it seriously.
Also, I think some parents automatically respond differently to different children. My dm has lent my siblings thousands of pounds with no repayment date but if I asked for a large loan it would take my dm much longer to realise that I was serious because I've never borrowed from her before.

ShinyBlackNose · 31/12/2013 11:01

I think you're just going to have to let this go.

Yes, your siblings were lent large sums of money in the past.

Now your parents don't seem to be so generous towards you. I fully understand that you are frustrated, disappointed, feel unfairly treated.

You are going to have to brush it off and move on for the sake of your relationships with your family. And also so you don't hurt yourself with bitterness.

Perhaps your parents have sound reasons for not lending you the money ie they can no longer access those kinds of sums.

My parents have lent my sibling a lot of money over the years and I've borrowed nothing. It doesn't bother me, in fact I'm glad that I can stand on my own two feet.

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 11:01

I would feel exactly the same OP. Threads like these where parents favour one or more children are depressing common and have made me resolve to always give the same to each child. I don't want my DC falling out with each other or us because of us being unfair.

RestingActress · 31/12/2013 11:03

Ah yes that would hurt. I think BlackDaisies has come up with a good approach

oldgrandmama · 31/12/2013 11:04

Well ... all I can say is, I helped both my kids buy their first properties (back in the 1990s) and I gave them both exactly the same amounts of money, even though one had a far higher earning potential than the other. I've helped them when I can since, with home improvements etc. but I've always kept in mind to treat them both equally, give or take a few hundred quid or so. There's never been any complaints from them about 'favouritism' and I'm afraid I feel a bit sorry for the OP - her parents sound a bit unfair, to be honest.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2013 11:05

I think that possibly, your parents really don't have the money free to lend you at the moment, with or without interest. They probably feel embarrassed about it as they've lent to your sister previously. Situations change though OP. You don't sound like a brat but it's not a case of 'fairness'. I'm sure you'd be treated exactly the same but how many people put aside the same amount of money loaned out just in case one of their other children needs it? Only those with the money to do that, I suspect. I don't think your parents have the money to loan you.

LessMissAbs · 31/12/2013 11:05

YANBU. Its the same in DH's family, even to the extent of him suffering a serious accident in the summer and being told not to expect any help from them because they were skint. But you will find the money to move some way yourself, and believe me its far better to be independent. BIL and SIL spend much of their time hanging round their ageing parents, ingratiating themselves for the inheritance. Its awful to watch.

MrsSchadenfreude · 31/12/2013 11:08

I'd do what BlackDaisies suggests.

My mother always said to me "Don't expect us to give you anything, no-one ever gave us anything." So I never have.