to want my parents to lend me money?

[wahwahwahwah]

I have namechanged for this as its very identifying and I suspect a bit bratty.

When my sister and her dh bought their first house my parents lent them the deposit (tens of thousands). Ten years or so down the line (a ecouple fi year's ago) they borrowed the same amount again to move to a bigger house.

At the same time my younger sister borrowed the same amount.

These loans are paid back with interest and my parents funded them by remortgaging.

Dh and I have never had this help, we have been fortunate in that he bought property years ago so we had a deposit for a family home.

However, we do need a bigger house. Ds1 is 11 and shares a room with ds2 who is 2. We thought we could afford to move but we are finding that we are 30k o so short of what it will cost. We have savings that will mature in 18months so can wait it out, but there is a house available now that ticks all our boxes and we would love to buy it.

I tentatively broached the subject with my mum and got a hollow laugh and a 'the bank of mum and dad is empty'.

Aibu to vent here about this because I can't in real life? It makes me sound like such a brat but I am so hurt and sad. It probably worth adding that my sister's house is bigger than ours and they have a smaller family.

Wahwahwah.

No I totally understand op and would feel the same but as previously said what can you do.

It's vital to be fair to your kids I think.

I suspect they did it for one without thinking through the fact that they should then have similar amounts available for all. They probably had no idea what they were starting. And now they can't lend any to you as your siblings haven't fully paid back their loans - in fact there may be problems you are unaware of.

However it would have been honest of your mum to say 'Sorry, we don't have the money available. I know this is unfair when we have done it for your sisters' not laugh in your face.

I think you should tell her how and why you are hurt.

YANBU. My parents do this for my sisters constantly. Not in the thousands (well, not often), but I never see a penny. I don't ask often either though whereas my sisters do. A few months back was the last time I asked and was the first time in five or so years (basically since I was a teen). I begged my Mum to lend me money to get my tooth fixed, I had half the amount and needed a few hundred to tide me over, could pay it all back within two/three months. Said no, yet only a month before had lent my younger sister a significant amount for the initial deposit on a brand new car under lease because she crashed hers which they had previously bought her.

It's very frustrating. DP and I have just moved to a flat out of house sharing, it was very sudden as we got offered somewhere where the rent is hundreds cheaper than anything like it (and cheaper than a studio flat around here) so we couldn't turn it down unless we wanted to stay sharing for another three years. I could really have done with a hundred or so just to help get it kitted out but was told they couldn't afford to help before I had even considered asking, yet once again they have just helped one of my sisters out again.

I've given up now. My sisters never pay them back fully and I'm finally in a financial position to be able to cover any emergencies without having to destroy whatever savings I have, which until now has always been the case.

OP, I don't think YABU at all to vent your feelings on here and I understand how you must feel rather overlooked.

I think it was a mistake on your parents' part not to have thought it through when they lent more to your sister. It's a pity. But they probably had no intention at the time to cut you out. Unfortunately, they now realise that they can’t afford to do the same for you as they did for her.
Try not to take it personally.

OP, I don't think YABU at all to vent your feelings on here and I understand how you must feel rather overlooked.

I think it was a mistake on your parents' part not to have thought it through when they lent more to your sister. It's a pity. But they probably had no intention at the time to cut you out. Unfortunately, they now realise that they can’t afford to do the same for you as they did for her.
Try not to take it personally.

YANBU - it sounds as though they don't have the money available to lend to you. However, you should not let the comment about the bank of mum & dad go unchallenged. As another poster has said, it sounds as though she has lumped all her DC together. You need to spell out to her that you have never borrowed anything, & the one time you have asked it was refused.

Yanbu at all. Most likely they could not help. However it is so so important to treat fairly. My dmum gave my brother a deposit for a flat and paid for his driving lessons, not extended to me and dsis.

With my 3 dds who have a wide age gap, if we can manage to help with house deposits we will only give to one what we can give to all.

I think the fact the others were leant money ( they had borrowed from the bank) rather than given money to keep does make a difference.

Maybe they thought they would be able to borrow and lend to all three. The first was 10 years ago if I read that correctly, its a very different mortgage market now and they obviously don't have the cash or they wouldn't have mortgaged in the first place.

Maybe they had expected to have been repaid by now, maybe they feel bitter that they are still carrying debt from lending to one child who promised to repay.

Unfair for OP to be tarred with the same brush which is why I would raise it with them but certainly not unreasonable of OP's paretns to have had their fingers burnt once and decided not to do it again.

What Holdhepage said. Refusing w/out explanation, w/laughter, was a weird, rude reaction to your question.

From a parent's perspective, it's hard not to financially help an adult child who is asking for help, if you have the wherewithal to do so. However, if you felt you could only help the child that asked by doing the same for all your adult children and you can't afford to do that, what do you do? Do you refuse to help the child that's asked because you can't do the same for the others, even though at that time they may not have asked for help.

I'm speaking from a daughter's perspective knowing what care home fees cost and it's possible that the parents here have also thought of that and made suitable provision which means that no spare cash is left.

... which is why I asked how old the parents are.

Could it be simply that they have no equity in the house to remortgage and it's not easy to get a new mortgage? Perhaps your siblings have financially stretched them. Would they consider going guarantor instead on the mortgage? They would be liable if you couldn't pay but it wouldn't effect them financially now.

Mygrandchildrenrock - then the answer is to explain this at the time to all your adult DCs so they understand that if they take the help it won't be there for their siblings / if they need help in the future, it won't be there for them.

Yanbu, you should ask why its so funny when they have leant out three times and not to you.

I feel a bit like this. My dad seems to run around when my youngest sister wants it, which is frequently. He also just gave her his iPhone when he got a new contract, I would've loved it, I have a crap. Old phone. I don't think he favours her and he has helped out in the past when I've needed it but he just seems to be there more for her and it bugs me.

Yanbu at all. I'm surrounded by parents and grandparents who treat offspring differently. Bugs me A LOT. But I'm learning to shrug it off because there's nothing I can do. My sister is continuously bailed out yet has a way better social life than I can afford... My mum and dad pay for so much and always have - it's because "she won't earn very much in her life" they say. Yet she has a first class degree and a masters. Just doesn't like working. Her actual ambition is to not earn over the rate at which you begin to get taxed. But someone has to pay for flights, and bikes and gym memberships and that's where the pops step in...

It's worse for my dh - his dad is absolutely minted (millions) yet won't help with anything for two of three of his kids, won't even see them unless on his terms and when he wants. My DH has never asked for anything, ever. He actually couldn't even bring himself to. They live thousands of miles away yet we weren't allowed to visit them when we were in the same country and flying home FROM THE SAME CITY as their spare room was in need of redecoration. My heart bleeds sometimes for my DH but they've always been heartless so I guess he just got used to it. They adore the youngest son though, and fund his life without quibble.

Families eh? I really hope I don't favour either of mine when they are older. Mind you, we've got bugger all money at the moment so it looks like it'll be zero for both of them!