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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my parents to lend me money?

92 replies

wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:34

I have namechanged for this as its very identifying and I suspect a bit bratty.

When my sister and her dh bought their first house my parents lent them the deposit (tens of thousands). Ten years or so down the line (a ecouple fi year's ago) they borrowed the same amount again to move to a bigger house.

At the same time my younger sister borrowed the same amount.

These loans are paid back with interest and my parents funded them by remortgaging.

Dh and I have never had this help, we have been fortunate in that he bought property years ago so we had a deposit for a family home.

However, we do need a bigger house. Ds1 is 11 and shares a room with ds2 who is 2. We thought we could afford to move but we are finding that we are 30k o so short of what it will cost. We have savings that will mature in 18months so can wait it out, but there is a house available now that ticks all our boxes and we would love to buy it.

I tentatively broached the subject with my mum and got a hollow laugh and a 'the bank of mum and dad is empty'.

Aibu to vent here about this because I can't in real life? It makes me sound like such a brat but I am so hurt and sad. It probably worth adding that my sister's house is bigger than ours and they have a smaller family.

Wahwahwah.

OP posts:
ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 31/12/2013 12:20

In a situation like this, if you do get on with your parents I would have a direct conversation.

I would be straight and say what you have said in your op.

see what they say.

she may suddenly break down and say they admire you so much and thank god you have not drained them like the other two and they are so proud of you ...

whatever5 · 31/12/2013 12:20

I know how you feel and I agree with the poster who said that you've been lumped under the heading "kids". My mother tends to do this as well. On the one occasion I asked to borrow money many years ago, she made a huge fuss as if I was always in financial difficulty and asking for help. I got really annoyed and pointed out that she had helped my brothers in the past but never me, even when I was a student. I don't think she had realised.

If your parents haven't got the money they haven't got it. However, I would point out to her that she has never actually helped you do anything and you don't feel that you are treated fairly.

TaraLott · 31/12/2013 12:40

Well yes Elf, that's one way of looking at it, maybe they didn't really want to lend to your Sisters but felt they had too and are proud of everything you have achieved without going to them.

timidviper · 31/12/2013 12:56

If there is no underlying relationship problems here I think your parents may have viewed the previous loans as a practical business-like transaction so they could afford it, timing was ok, etc and it isn't now. Agree they may be seeing you all as "the kids" which is not ok.

I understand why it makes you feel like shit though and I think you are justified in that. This is why parents should always try to treat all children the same as there is inevitably an emotional component to all these things.

He11y · 31/12/2013 12:56

It stings doesn't it?

My parents are constantly bailing out my sister despite her wasting money on extravagances.

It doesn't help them in the long run though as they simply don't learn to stand on their own two feet.

It will eat away at you though, however much you tell yourself you are being a brat and shouldn't care.

Could you sit down with them and ask nicely why they refused?

Maybe say something like you know they don't have to lend you money but you can't help feeling very hurt by it and it would help you to know their decision was based on practical reasons and not that they don't want to help.

Not accusatory but just airing your hurt and hopefully helping you understand their point of view...?

Would that help?

glasgowsteven · 31/12/2013 13:04

Getting married next year....

PIL said they will give us x towards the wedding.

My OH said

But you gave DS and DB (2 seperate weddings) x times two for their wedding.

Ah, they had big recpetions you are just having a family only wedding.....

Hey ho.....

Its unfair, but we know where we stand

34DD · 01/01/2014 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 01/01/2014 10:38

my mum pays off my sisters debt all the time and used to raise an eyebrow if i asked to borrow a tenner favouritism really gets on my wick , ANYWAY i think you should say what somebody upthread said that you have never borrowed from the bank of mum and dad ever ! you cant force them to give you money or even guilt them into it but it must be frustrating for you,

TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 01/01/2014 10:43

id speak to them about it. I wonder, if your siblings have not yet repaid their loans, whether it is simply the case that your parents can't actually borrow any more? It may not be a case of favoritism, but rather one of timing?

mrsjay · 01/01/2014 10:46

maybe that is it tia perhaps they really are spent and have no more money still it does seem unfair that they helped the sisters out

nkf · 01/01/2014 10:47

If it was just bad timing, why didn't the mother say so? If she would like to but the cash/borrowing power isn't there right now, what's wrong with saying that?

Can't you ask her about it? Explain you are sorry for asking her but it's happened within the family before. And that her response made you feel as if you were asking for a lot when really you were only asking for something comensurate with your siblings.

JeanSeberg · 01/01/2014 10:48

How old are your parents OP?

Fairylea · 01/01/2014 10:49

I'd be upset too. They shouldn't have lent the money if it meant they wouldn't be able to do the same for you. It's just unfair.

Dhs family is just like this. His mum recently inherited a large sum of money (about 40k) and gave his sister enough for her to buy a new tv, ipad and a new sofa. She didn't give my dh or any of the other 3 anything. Her reasoning being that sil lives in a council house and will therefore never own her own house so deserves a treat, whereas the rest of the siblings do. Fair enough but following that train of thought why buy such useless things? It's not like she's opened a savings account for sil so sil can save for a deposit for a house (she is young with a partner so saving would be possible, partner works). Meanwhile dh and I completely wiped out all our savings last year spending £4000 fixing our roof! Did we receive any help from mil even though she knew we had to remortgage the house?! Fuck no.

All children should be treated equally.

Kewcumber · 01/01/2014 10:51

I suspect that (like others) they really can't remortgage anymore - older/already mortgaged as much as they can be.

Your mum may have laughed at the idea that they should put themselves more into debt than they already are, not specifically at the idea of you borrowing money.

What is your relationship like with her normally? Do you feel like there is favoritism on the whole? Or is this unusual.

Its possible that your mum is hurt by the seemingly endless requests for money and expectation that they will mortgage themselves because their children can't afford to. My mum has (when I bought my first house) lent me the money for a deposit which was paid back not with interest but with a share of the profit on the house when it was sold and they made a good profit on it but I wouldn't let her take out a mortgage on my behalf. Thats just unfair. Three mortgages one for each child seems mind boggling to me!

That might be unfair on you because you were the last one to ask but if you divorce yourself from the equation - expecting your parents to take out 3 mortgages for grownup children already old enough to have their own children is bizarre to me.

I'll bet your mother feels like the prize cash cow even if it wasn't you that created the situation it feels to her like you've just joined in. Think about how she feels and then reread BlackDaisies post and talk to your mother sensibly.

natwebb79 · 01/01/2014 10:55

I can understand you feeling pissed off. In the past I've had to go without because the PITA sibling got bailed out all the time and I was 'never any trouble'. I had to (reluctantly) ask for a loan of £10 once to get myself some food before my meagre student job wages came through (they hadn't paid me for 10 weeks due to an 'error') and was told 'sorry we're skint'. This was due to PITA sibling having been given £200 for a deposit on a place because she'd had to flee the latest loser she'd decided to have a child with. Weirdly enough now I'm in my 30s, successful and comfortably off I get offers of help. Eh?! Grin

merryxmasyafilthyanimal · 01/01/2014 10:56

It does sound unfair and I would be pissed off and hurt too. But as others have said, your parents circumstances may now have changed. It's unlikely personal.

And take satisfaction in doing it yourself OP. I try - even it that means I will rent this small flat forever from a tax avoiding millionaire scumbag who registers our home in Timbuktu while our friends can all buy homes with family money Wink

Creamycoolerwithcream · 01/01/2014 11:14

I don't think you sound bratty. I wouldn't mention it again to your parents, just leave it as a no. At least you have savings and should be able to move in 18 months time. Hopefully you will find a lovely house then.

2rebecca · 01/01/2014 11:27

I can understand that it's your mum's attitude that has hurt you not the refusal in itself. My parents always treated us equally, they didn't give out loans just gave us equal amounts of money when they could afford it.
I can understand that your parents maybe don't have any money to lend now and maybe regret the loans they gave. Your mum could have explained this to you sensitively rather than being brusque and laughing at your request, that's the hurtful bit. she didn't laugh at your sibs.
If they don't have the money it's likely you could get a loan cheaper than they could though unless your credit rating is poor as you'll be expected to live longer and have higher earning power so should get a more favourable rate.

clara26 · 01/01/2014 11:28

I agree it seems unfair. It's mainly her reaction which I would find upsetting. Rather than say, I'm sorry but we can't afford. We didn't expect you to need help and we are mortgaged up to the hilt, we'd help you if we could.

My mums helped me in the past more than my brothers but they are in their late 20s and early 30s and still live at home. I left home 10 years ago and have been through job losses, divorce and bankruptcy. My mum feels guilty that she hasn't made us equal but they haven't needed as I have (she also forgets that they are grown men who work full time and pay 20 quid a week board! They eat £20 for brekkie!) it sounds like your folks have helped your sisters and assumed you were fine and now you need help they simply don't have the funds.

Really hope you find the funds, I know how frustrating a tiny house can be xxx

firesidechat · 01/01/2014 12:09

I think that your parents made a huge mistake when they re mortgaged their house to help out their children. They are obviously well aware of this now and you are "suffering" the consequences of that.

Personally I would be proud that I hadn't borrowed from my parents. I know that one of my siblings has frequently received money from my parents. I don't even think about it and certainly don't feel resentful.

Your mum shouldn't have taken it out on you though OP. A simple explanation would have been preferable to laughing in your face. That would annoy me.

tharsheblows · 01/01/2014 12:22

I can completely understand why you feel hurt. But I think you might be wrong when you say "It's not really about the money." Because to your parents, it might be - ie, they don't have any more money to loan and are worried about not having enough for their own life. So it's not that they want to treat you differently, it's just that they can't treat you the same.

I think BlackDaisies has it right when she suggests you ask your mother about it:
"But you could pick her up on her comment, because if she feels like that it's got nothing to do with you. Maybe say, I didn't mean to offend you by asking, it's just I know you've been willing to lend tens of thousands to dsis and dbro and assumed you had the money to lend to all of us. But if it's left them with money problems you're shocked and sorry to have asked."

Glittertwins · 01/01/2014 12:33

I don't blame you for feeling aggrieved when you have also said that you will pay it back in full too. We are also in the same boat where DH is totally overlooked in favour of his sister who is bankrolled by his parents. Think free house, child care, horses (yes, I meant plural) etc. we just don't bother now. It hurts but he knows his parents don't give a monkeys be it financial or emotional.

stickyvicky71 · 01/01/2014 13:34

Yes we have also had this. DP brother fell in love with a house that he simply couldn't afford 10 years ago; cue PiL giving 50k towards the deposit which has never been paid back. When we moved after years of saving, we were told we would get the same. 2 years later and there's still no sign of the money! We can afford our mortgage but it would be nice to get the money promised to do up our house rather than doing it slowly but it's OK. We haven't brought it up with them as it just feels wrong to whinge about it but and we are muddling by but I know my DH is still hurt by it.

If it is going to eat at you and affect your relationship then you may be better to talk about it. Hope you find the money for your move

Pancakeflipper · 01/01/2014 13:38

I would have to ask why they laughed at you but assisted the others.
I would want to know the reasoning behind it. There might be a justifiable reason or there might not....

highho1 · 01/01/2014 14:54

So much disparity. Our mil will always lend us money if needs be. However, when we married she gave same amount money to sil and than paid lots towards her lavish wedding g years later.
I guess she does it on need.

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