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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my parents to lend me money?

92 replies

wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 10:34

I have namechanged for this as its very identifying and I suspect a bit bratty.

When my sister and her dh bought their first house my parents lent them the deposit (tens of thousands). Ten years or so down the line (a ecouple fi year's ago) they borrowed the same amount again to move to a bigger house.

At the same time my younger sister borrowed the same amount.

These loans are paid back with interest and my parents funded them by remortgaging.

Dh and I have never had this help, we have been fortunate in that he bought property years ago so we had a deposit for a family home.

However, we do need a bigger house. Ds1 is 11 and shares a room with ds2 who is 2. We thought we could afford to move but we are finding that we are 30k o so short of what it will cost. We have savings that will mature in 18months so can wait it out, but there is a house available now that ticks all our boxes and we would love to buy it.

I tentatively broached the subject with my mum and got a hollow laugh and a 'the bank of mum and dad is empty'.

Aibu to vent here about this because I can't in real life? It makes me sound like such a brat but I am so hurt and sad. It probably worth adding that my sister's house is bigger than ours and they have a smaller family.

Wahwahwah.

OP posts:
TheEndTisHere · 31/12/2013 11:09

You are not been unreasonable your parents are been very unfair. My sister got a 24k gold jewellery set for her 18th I got a meringue but when it came to posting out would cost to much to post to me. I was living in a hostel at the time because they had moved abroad! My sister got given a deposit for her house me and DH nothing. I've not brought it up yet with DM but I plan to do so when i see her in the summer.

BananaNotPeelingWell · 31/12/2013 11:11

I think they view you as 100% independent because you got off to a good start regarding buying property years ago. You were probably never on the 'radar' as it were, for requiring some support at some point. I think these perceptions are set years before in families.

Bil in our family has always relied on his parents for the proverbial bail out and inlaws expect to do it for him. They almost preempt those moments for him. We're not on the radar for help because we cope. I'm not sure why they don't think we have the same if not more on our plate than him but they seem cheerily blind to it most of the time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2013 11:13

This is NOT the same though is it? OP isn't expecting to be GIVEN the money, she wants to borrow it.

There's a huge difference between a loan and having your hand out for a gift because you think it's due.

Only1scoop · 31/12/2013 11:13

They remortgaged to lend them the money....is this what they would need to do again? I do see your point but ....I also think that's a great deal to ask of them.

CeQueLEnfer · 31/12/2013 11:14

I think it is just bad timing. They didn't actually have the money to lend your sisters, did they? They had to remortgage. They probably don't have that option now.

My PIL have a hierarchy of favourites amongst their DC: one DS gets everything, one gets nothing. DH is in the middle. We once borrowed money from them for something really important. It has ruined our relationship forever.

Just wait it out and buy the house with your own money.

Corygal · 31/12/2013 11:18

YANBU. But there's not much you can do about it, as they've spent the money they had.

I would make sure both your DSIS and your parents know how hard things are for you.

Good luck sorting something else out - yes, I do know how impossible that seems. And cheer up - your parents can't in all decency come to you first when they're ancient and needy, whereas your DSIS will have to be on hand.

janey68 · 31/12/2013 11:19

I think banana's point is very true. I think in many families, children can become 'labelled' from quite an early point and some are seen as more needy and less self reliant. This then becomes self perpetuating, because the more one child is given a financial leg up, the more dependent they become on it. And like banana says, it isn't about fairness, because other children in the family may be facing just as great hurdles.

Grennie · 31/12/2013 11:21

Yes as you get older, and a few years can make all the difference, banks will not let you remortgage as you are seen as a riskier bet. Banks at one time also were much more willing to lend than now. It may be that they are genuine when they say the bank of mum and dad is empty.

NoelOfLorst · 31/12/2013 11:26

It is unfair.

And I think possibly, sadly, you've been lumped in under the heading 'the kids'

As in, your parents might remark to their friends "there's nothing much to spare now, after helping out 'the kids'"....

That's the thing I'd have to go back to her on actually! I couldn't let it go. I'd have to point out that whilst I understood there wasn't any money (and it was fine), the Bank of Mum and Dad had never actually lent me a penny.

IDontDoIroning · 31/12/2013 11:30

Even if you didn't want to borrow the money - What good to them is the money tied up in your sisters house? I expect they are paying back the mortgage Ruth interest on this amount and are struggling with liquid cash.
If it's invested in her house well it's time to recover the investment why can't she now remortgage pay them back - you can borrow it for 18 months and the give it them back and he presto your mum and dad have more cash than they had before.

YANBU by the way

ComposHat · 31/12/2013 11:33

Hmmm torn on this one.

Whilst it seems that you've been been unfairly treated, your parents can't give you what they don't have. If they've remortgaged the house several times in the past it may not be possible again.

Just as your circumstances changed and you'd now like the same as your your siblings have had, their circumstances may have changed and they can't afford to be generous as thry once where.

notallthere · 31/12/2013 11:35

You said that one of your sisters has the money "invested in the house", does this mean she hasn't paid it back yet, leaving your parents with a second mortgage and out of pocket.

They may therefore genuinely not have the money, because they gave it to her and never got it back, and this will also make them less likely to lend to their children in the future.

It is unfair, but sadly I don't think there is a solution.

JennyOnAPlate · 31/12/2013 11:36

I dont think you're being at all unreasonable and I would feel very hurt in your position.

Do you feel able to tell them how you feel?

aquashiv · 31/12/2013 11:39

There will be some reason why and it might be because they see you as the stronger more able one who doesn't need their help.
If I were you look for another house negotiate yr own finance or wait.

BananaNotPeelingWell · 31/12/2013 11:40

I'm confused about the money invested in sister's house. Does invested money in her house actually mean they bought part of it for her?Confused

JoinYourPlayfellows · 31/12/2013 11:42

"If it's invested in her house well it's time to recover the investment why can't she now remortgage pay them back - you can borrow it for 18 months and the give it them back and he presto your mum and dad have more cash than they had before."

Good idea.

YANBU

It was very unkind of your mother to laugh in your face and say that the Bank of Mum and Dad was closed when you were the only sibling never to have been given the opportunity to take out a loan.

Only1scoop · 31/12/2013 11:46

Idontdoironing....good suggestion
A bit unclear as to whether its already being paid bk or not.

FamilyIssues234 · 31/12/2013 11:48

My ex's parents helped both his brothers buy a place and not him. He works very hard and has never been jobless.

Yet his dad views him as some kind of feckless loser.

He may be an ex but he isnt that.

I always felt very bad for him that his folks helped his brother and not him.

It would break my heart if I was in that position.

Original poster
wahwahwahwah · 31/12/2013 11:57

One sister pays it back monthly, as far as I know, and the other pays back the interest and will remortgage eventually.

It's not really about the money. It just made me feel utterly shit.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 31/12/2013 12:01

I know this feeling - my dad has bailed my sister out and bought her things for as long as I can remember....I'm guessing thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds have made their way in her direction. I once hinted/gently asked if I could borrow £500 (which I'd repay over 5 months) and needless to say, it went in one ear and out the other. I just roll my eyes now, accept it for what it is and don't bother asking Smile

bumbumsmummy · 31/12/2013 12:09

This isn't about the money really is it I'd speak to your parents explain that you feel there is favouritism going on but leave it at that

Money does not equal Love

MatryoshkaDoll · 31/12/2013 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 31/12/2013 12:15

It does sound a bit spoiled to expect money from parents, but if it's been good enough for one then it's not unreasonable to expect it would be good enough for the other.

As a parent I find it very hard to understand how so many parents seem to do this to their adult children. I do believe that being fair doesn't necessarily mean equal or the same, but when it comes to financial help for adults I like to think that I would only provide for one of my children what I could afford to provide for all of my children.

KongKickeroo · 31/12/2013 12:18

The phrase your mother used plus hollow laugh makes me think she now regrets lending the money to your sisters, feels used, and has decided never to put herself in that position again. Rather than it being about you, iyswim.

I would sit down with her and clear up what she meant.

TaraLott · 31/12/2013 12:19

Doesn't sound very fair to me either but I don't think there's much you can say or do without falling out.
And I don't think you sound awful either.
I'd be upset too.

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