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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with dh after this drinking overXmas?

77 replies

Domenica69 · 31/12/2013 10:31

Dh's brother, partner and baby stayed with us for a week over Xmas. Dh went out with his dbro on Boxing day, had around 6 or 7 pints and then when he got home wanted to open more cans and drink in front of our dc.
I wasn't happy about this as he was already well on, and he has a history of periodic alcohol abuse.

Two nights later we hosted a party for pretty much mostly his friends and his dbros friends. He got fairly full at that, kept insisting people have another drink when they wanted to go home, at 1am. At 2am when i was trying to clear up he wanted another whisky and i asked him not to and to help me instead clear up after the party which HE insisted on having and i never wanted to have. He got a bit shitty on me, a bit nasty, then just fell asleep on the sofa.

We got over that, he apologised profusely the next day for being a prick. Then last night he asked would i mind him going out for a few pints with a mate who is home for xmas, but going home today, and they hadn't had any chance to meet up, so i said yeah fine. I like this guy, he is a good mate of dh, and dh said that he wouldn't be late, home 12ish.

He didn't get home till 1.30am, after heading out at 9.30pm. I know its not that late in the greater scheme of things but i was SO anxious and couldn't sleep from around midnight on, plus he wasn't answering his phone, and he has a tendency to sometimes go out for a couple and roll home blind drunk at 3 or 4am. (maybe 5 or 6 times a year.)

I was SO het up, tense and anxious that i totally went off on one last night when he did get home, even though he wasn't drunk. I feel bad about it today, but i also feel its not really my fault as due to his recent behaviour and past history i NEVER now know if or when he will make it home, and am always highly anxious if he is later than he said he will be as that usually means a binge is on.

He is pissed off with me for getting so angry at him last night. I am annoyed with myself but also him for creating the situation that has led to this level of mistrust and anxiety, and i am all round just really fed up, sad, frustrated and feel that we are just going to go on and on like this forever, which is really depressing me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/12/2013 10:46

Periodic alcohol abuse?? Do you mean he gets hammered every now and again? If so then you sound very judgmental and controlling.

KingRollo · 31/12/2013 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 31/12/2013 10:50

5 or 6 times a year sounds ok to me.

And I suppose a lot of people drink to excess over Christmas.

But you are clearly not on the same page as to what is acceptable/what isn't. Can you discuss it calmly with him?

ComposHat · 31/12/2013 11:00

You sound a bit puritanical and are creating a drama where one doesn't need to exist.

Expecting a grown adult to check in with you every hour and a half is not reasonable. If you have an anxiety ovrr this you need to address it together, but it doesn't sound like his drinking is the underlying problem.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 31/12/2013 11:11

My Dad used to binge drink periodically and it was very unpleasant to live with when it happened - if that's what your DH is like I can perfectly understand why you got upset and then over-reacted the third time. I would not have been happy with the first two situations either. I don't know hat you can do apart from talk to him, but people get very defensive about drinking. We never solved it in our family unfortunately, my parents thankfully ended up divorcing.

Danann · 31/12/2013 11:16

He was an hour and a half later than the ish time he gave you, that's not that bad (in fact if you talk to my DH 'ish' means within 2 hours of that time). I don't see the issue with drinking in front of the dc either and presumably the party was mostly his and his brothers friends coz that's who you invited?

Do you go out with your friends/family? are you always back exactly on time and 100% sober? It just seems like you are either being very unfair or you and your DH have very different ideas about drinking, I think you need to relax, give him a bit of freedom and stop worrying so much.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 31/12/2013 11:18

I can't see where the OP is asking her DH to check every hour and a half?

I will never understand the attitude that it is fine and okay for someone, particularly an adult, to go out and drink until they are 'blind drunk'.

ComposHat · 31/12/2013 11:26

When she started getting agitated when he said he'd be back midnight-ish and came in at half one.

The poster's patner wasn't blind drunk when he came in either. It would seem the most he drunk was 7 pints across the course of theafternoon/evening of boxing day, which wouldn't or at least shouldn't rendrr an adult male of average build blind drunk.

CrabbyChristmasBottom · 31/12/2013 11:32

Is this a drip feed thread? What exactly do you mean by periodic alcohol abuse?

If this is all there is to it then I'm afraid I think YABVU indeed.

MissRabbitsOtherJob · 31/12/2013 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CaptainTripps · 31/12/2013 11:43

I get where the OP is coming from.

Is getting hammered so normalised in our society that this all becomes ok? e.g. getting shitty, becoming nasty, falling asleep on the sofa, not helping to clear up after a party.

And generally this is ok? It's the Op with the problem?!

CaptainTripps · 31/12/2013 11:44

And you aren't being a bitch to him. OP. No grip needed!

RhondaJean · 31/12/2013 11:48

Ok there is drunk and there is drunk.

If you have a partner who goes out, comes home "drunk", talks a bit of shit, falls asleep and snores half a dozen times a year and you haven't lived with drunk, I don't think you would see a problem.

If thats the level of drunk op means then perhaps she is a bit uptight by most standards but that is HER standard and she is entitled to find it unacceptable as long as she isn't hypocritical about it and getting tanked up herself.

If its the other drunk, the one that pees shits and vomits everywhere, that can get violent, that doesn't know who they are and what they are doing, then she cannot be u by anyone's standards surely.

I wonder if her anxiety at him not being home at midnight is linked to not knowing what to expect if he rolled in at 4 am which he has done before. Anyway if he wasn't drunk, surely he could have dropped a quick text to say don't stay up I'm fine but hanging on for a bit more. That's just common good manners really.

Also fwiw 7 pints is massively into binge drink territory by health guidelines so while I will binge drink according to those guidelines I wouldn't attempt to make it sound like its nothing. It's also quite a bit for most people to handle, my 6 foot 1 DH would be pretty drunk with that even over hours as he is not a regular drinker.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 31/12/2013 11:53

Blind drunk was the description of the description of the previous two times - I think the last one where he was late home wouldn't have been an issue if it hadn't been for those, although if he was considerate he should have text to say he was going to be late anyway. I think if it had only been that one occasion I'd agree with the attitude that she's being controlling, but that was just the final straw from what I understand. Having lived with a verging-on-alcoholic binge drinker I find myself empathising with the OP I'm afraid, although maybe she'll come back and we'll find he isn't as bad as that Smile

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 31/12/2013 12:04

If you are pissed off, you are pissed off. I would also find it unacceptable, especially the nasty behaviour, but as someone has said up thread, alcohol misuse is so prevalent in our society it's almost like abusing someone's human rights to tell them you don't like their behaviour.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 31/12/2013 12:13

Yes absolutely Unexpected. A few years ago a poster on here got flamed for not wanting to provide alcohol for the adults attending a first birthday party. Alcohol is so intrinsic to our idea of how to enjoy social interactions that questioning it makes people very defensive.

Original poster
Domenica69 · 31/12/2013 12:17

I don't want to drip feed but really this post would go on for hours if i was to list all the times binge drinking has impacted on our marriage. I am at home with 5dc on school hols so will try to give a concise picture.

He has always binge drunk all through our 13 year marriage. It used to be very regular, like twice a week or so. The as time went on, it reduced, as we had more kids and he had more responsibility at home and work.

All our friends and family agree he cannot hold his drink and he doesn't know when he has had enough. He is very aware of this, but sometimes just can't keep it in check.

Random examples, after birth of our 4th dc which was by cs, he went out on the lash when baby was a couple of weeks old, came staggering in at dawn and pissed in to the kitchen sink.

Another time, at a friends wedding, he got so drunk he took a shit in the hotel bath instead of toilet.

he came home one night from the pub at 3.30, pissed, fell asleep on the toilet, (does that quite often when pissed) and managed to break the toilet seat off its hinges.)

I can't just fall asleep and leave him to it, as he staggers around the place when drunk, gets up multiple times after going to bed to go to the toilet and if i don't watch him can sometimes not find the en suite toilet and piss in the wardrobe instead, so i end up awake all night to ensure our wardrobe or carpet is not pissed on.

He has spoiled sundays, christmasess, birthdays and holidays with binge drinking.

He has made huge efforts to keep this behaviour to a minimum but struggles to maintain normal levels of drinking. This is why i have huge levels of anxiety around this issue.

OP posts:
BitchyFestiveFace · 31/12/2013 12:47

YADNBU OP, and I'd guess the posters calling you an uptight, controlling bitch Hmm have been fortunate enough not to have lived with a problem drinker.

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 31/12/2013 13:53

YANBU OP, however on MN you will invariably receive accusations of being controlling if you wish to limit your partners alcohol intake or know where they are.

I lived with a good friend who had issues with alcohol and it was exhausting. He also pissed in his wardrobe.

GlitzAndGiggles · 31/12/2013 13:58

To be fair he asked if you minded him going out and you said yes to it then you complain he got drunk and came in a bit late. He's a grown man. If you're concerned about his drinking habits remove any alcohol from the house

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 31/12/2013 14:09

If you're concerned about his drinking habits remove any alcohol from the house

And that's not controlling/infantilising???

It's up to the OP to decide what she feels is acceptable, and her DH to decide whether alcohol is more important than his marriage. You can't stop an alcoholic from drinking by anything you do or say, they have to decide for themselves.

GlitzAndGiggles · 31/12/2013 14:14

But she obviously thinks his drinking is unacceptable to be writing all this. Yes it is up to her husband and maybe he needs a wake up call if it's affecting his loved ones

wheresthebeach · 31/12/2013 14:35

Doesn't sound like fun to me! I'd be worried if dh was 1.5 hours late - and would have words - not like its impossible to send a text saying 'still here -home later'.

His drinking is clearly a problem. I feel for you.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 31/12/2013 18:41

He's pissed in the wrong place more than once? That's pretty pathetic, and indicates either that he can't handle as much booze as he thinks he can, or that he doesn't care about vandalising his and OP's house.

MissRabbitsOtherJob · 31/12/2013 21:42

Maybe he was just drunk. It happens. OP have you never been sick after a night out or done something else you regret?

Being drunk doesn't make you an alcoholic. Being three sheets every now and then doesn't mean you've got an alcohol problem.

He got drunk at Christmas, give him a break