AIBU to be fed up with dh after this drinking overXmas?

[Domenica69]

Dh's brother, partner and baby stayed with us for a week over Xmas. Dh went out with his dbro on Boxing day, had around 6 or 7 pints and then when he got home wanted to open more cans and drink in front of our dc.
I wasn't happy about this as he was already well on, and he has a history of periodic alcohol abuse.

Two nights later we hosted a party for pretty much mostly his friends and his dbros friends. He got fairly full at that, kept insisting people have another drink when they wanted to go home, at 1am. At 2am when i was trying to clear up he wanted another whisky and i asked him not to and to help me instead clear up after the party which HE insisted on having and i never wanted to have. He got a bit shitty on me, a bit nasty, then just fell asleep on the sofa.

We got over that, he apologised profusely the next day for being a prick. Then last night he asked would i mind him going out for a few pints with a mate who is home for xmas, but going home today, and they hadn't had any chance to meet up, so i said yeah fine. I like this guy, he is a good mate of dh, and dh said that he wouldn't be late, home 12ish.

He didn't get home till 1.30am, after heading out at 9.30pm. I know its not that late in the greater scheme of things but i was SO anxious and couldn't sleep from around midnight on, plus he wasn't answering his phone, and he has a tendency to sometimes go out for a couple and roll home blind drunk at 3 or 4am. (maybe 5 or 6 times a year.)

I was SO het up, tense and anxious that i totally went off on one last night when he did get home, even though he wasn't drunk. I feel bad about it today, but i also feel its not really my fault as due to his recent behaviour and past history i NEVER now know if or when he will make it home, and am always highly anxious if he is later than he said he will be as that usually means a binge is on.

He is pissed off with me for getting so angry at him last night. I am annoyed with myself but also him for creating the situation that has led to this level of mistrust and anxiety, and i am all round just really fed up, sad, frustrated and feel that we are just going to go on and on like this forever, which is really depressing me.

So lots more to it then. YANBU, in that case.

Getting blind drunk at ANY point is a problem. Getting a little tipsy isn't a problem. If you KNOW you're a bad drunk (getting nasty, vandalism etc) then your drinking is a problem.

OP - you aren't comfortable with his drinking. You have enough examples of how it's badly affected you, his children and your life together.

Personally I would need him to admit he had a problem and either stop drinking or start by cutting down/limiting. You have said that he doesn't know when he's had too much so quitting all together seems like it might be an idea. He needs to realise this himself though and do it for himself because he has a problem or he won't be successful.

You need to ask yourself whether this is a deal breaker. If he refuses to stop, are you willing to ask him to leave? Is his drinking bad enough that it impacts your life together? Do you want him to attend AA meetings? Family counselling?

You don't like him drinking and I don't blame you.
However, if you are used to this why were you worried when he wasn't at home for 12. Why did you agree to all the drinking in the first place and sorry but if you don't like it why choose a man who drinks? Surely, it was no surprise to you.
I don't like going out drinking when you have dc, so I chose a man who thinks likewise. We have a few at home instead

ChristmasCrackers I'm glad you don't have to endure living with a binge drinker but it's not something you should give yourself a pat on the back for. The OP didn't presumably 'choose a man who drinks' she chose a man she loved.

In my experience, binge drinkers tend to get worse over time, putting in an effort to stop every now and then, but ultimately going back to their old ways. My Dad repeated this binge drinking pattern for decades, but unusually did manage to stop. I can see he was ill with a drink problem with hindsight (and two years of counselling) but every drink he ever had took something away from my Mum and my siblings that could never be returned. My non-binge drinking Dad is a joy to be with in a way he could never be before.

OP, I hope you find a way to talk to your husband. Don't feel bad about reacting angrily when he wasn't drunk, or guilty for finding his binging hard to live with. I hope he finds a way to stop drinking and you find yourself in a better situation.

I just want to come back and thank all the kind posters who understand this problem and thank you for making me feel not so alone.

I obviously married this guy cos i loved him, and when we were in our twenties, when we met, we all drank to excess for the hell of it. He was no worse than most of our group, and i certainly enjoyed my boozy nites out. Of COURSE i assumed things would change when we became parents, as they did for me, and i no longer want to go out and get plastered, though still can enjoy a drink with friends.

I honestly think that anyone out there who thinks i am being controlling has never lived with a problem drinker, the constant worry when you have young children, at times newborns in my case, and your dh was staggering in the door at 4am unable to walk, talk or undress himself.

He is at heart a good man who struggles with this weakness. He gave up booze for sept and oct and stuck to it. He is likely to give it up for the month of january too to try and get back in shape after xmas excess.

But unfortunately, despite these huge efforts at control which he makes, whenever he goes out that door to the pub, i never ever really can say with certainty what state he will come home in, or what time he will arrive home. It could be 11pm, it cold be 4am, He may be fine, or he may be utterly plastered.

Its the uncertainty, the exhaustion i feel after these late night boozing sessions, (as i have to move out of our room and in with kids and the worry of pissing or shitting somewhere he shouldn't) that fucking awful UNCERTAINTY wondering if this will be the occasion that he goes on a bender, thats what is eating away at me and wearing me down, to the point now, where i feel trapped and kinds of hopeless. Its not bad enough to walk away yet its bad enough to make me feel, depressed anxious and low.

Good luck OP. It must be so much harder to cope with when you have DC to look after.

Domenica, it has to be all or nothing. There is no middle ground with this kind of drinking.

I speak from experience.

Thank you Sunshine

Youthe cat Have you or your dh given it up totally? I would like my dh to give up booze totally, and have asked him to do so, but he is still convinced he can control it. This is because on many a night out, he can control things, and come home in a reasonable state. The problem is that he is totally untrustworthy in that he himself has admitted he doesn't know when a night out is going to turn in to an all night binge session, that he doesn't plan it that way, it just happens. It often happens when he hasnt much going on in work the next day or on a dry night and he doesn't have to work saturday, he knows deee down he has nothing to be getting up for early in the morning so finds it more tempting to stay out late.

I can't make him give it up though can i? Things would have to get a lot worse i think before he ever made that decision, its really not something he can contemplate in any way, i may as well ask him not to BREATHE!

My ex is still drinking himself into oblivion and is still in denial that it is anything but normal behaviour. Despite the fact that he is in his early 50s and his drinking buddies (same age and younger) have started dropping like flies, he continues.

No, you can't make him give it up. He has to do it himself. You have to think about what you want for yourself and your kids.

OP you should look into Al Anon - for yourself - to help you cope and understand what you are dealing with. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

From his pov he is only out of control every now and again - but the stress on you is constant 24/7 as you never know when the next one will be....then you have the drama of the episode, the clean-up and the anger, frustration and pain afterwards...before a period of walking on egg shells wondering when the whole thing starts again.

I think that you have reached a clear line that pissing and shitting around your home with a houseful of young children is unacceptable in any ones book - if he is unable to predict, control and avoid these episodes then he needs to make a choice:

Either - he chooses to be teetotal and be part of his family
Or - he chooses to continue to drink and leave the family home.

You all deserve better than this. Your children already have a Dad with a drink problem. They do not need to loose another parent to stress and exhaustion. You need to focus your energy positively on your children.

AA - tell you that you cannot change someone - they need to do it for themselves. But you do the best for them by practising detached love.

Who does the clearing up etc -- AA tell you leave them in their mess - otherwise they wake up in a clean and comfy bed and have no idea what they have done.

I do agree with you that problem drinkers only become evident when they get older. We all had a wild time in our twenties - but a failure to modify intake and behavior as your responsibilities change defines the problem drinker.

For me the drunk bit was bad but the emotional distance for at least 48 hrs thru the hangover was just as bad.

Focus on what is best for your children right now. Give him options and stick to your guns. It is the only hope for him to change -- his drinking is extreme and the consequences need to match in extremity - ie he looses his family. Good Luck

Thank you kitty I have tried al anon once or twice, but it doesn't work for me for two reasons. One is that it is a 35 minute drive to the nearest meeting, which is always held at night time, and i have no one to babysit while dh is at work.

But aside from that, i felt like a fraud there, as all the other people were dealing with really horrendous stuff on a near daily basis, whereas this behaviour is only happening maybe every 2 months or so, it is only the fear and anxiety that is with me daily, and i feel really pathetic for having such anxiety whenever he goes anywhere, when the reality is he doesn't ALWAYS get hammered and do stupid stuff when he goes out, only on some of those occasions.

The anxiety has got so bad now, that i am always beside myself with worry when he is late or doesn't show up when he says he will. Sometimes that anxiety is justified, as he arrives home hammered, but other times, he arrives home perfectly fine.

The problem is i never know what to expect, and for some reason, that uncertainty is causing me to fret constantly.

I know that worry so well. That's what drove me to chuck my DH out.
Surprised to hear your al-anon meeting was so full of people living with active alcoholics. They aren't all like that. The ones I've been to have a wide range of people - from those living with it now, to those who have at some time in the recent past, to those who have maybe been brought up in an alcoholic home.
Maybe get some literature from al-anon if you can't get to a meeting? I found The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage helpful. Also, there's a non-Al-Anon publication called Marriage on the Rocks, you can order it from Amazon, that is really good - it helped me make up my mind what to do.
Finally - you are in no way a fraud! You are living with the effects of someone's drinking every day, whether or not that person actually has a drink every day! The waiting for the drinker to get drunk is every bit as bad (if not worse) than their actual drunkenness. That anxiety sent me round the twist. I decided my kids needed me sane.

But you shouldn't feel a fraud -- AA definition of an alcoholic is that their drinking impacts the relationships of those around them....I think you fit the criteria as "the fear and anxiety is with me daily"....as I said above this is impacting your life not just when it happens but in all the time in between. You cannot live in such a state of constant stress - it is not good for you or your children. Do they do an online forum which might be more helpful. You have a big problem here...his behavior is unacceptable no matter how infrequent - dont minimise it....you all deserve better than this.

It sounds like it is really bothering you and causing problems in your marriage. Have you ever talked to Al-Anon OP?

Sorry, just realised missed the last page of this thread .

Hopeclearwater Thank you, it really bloody helps to hear from someone else who has gone through this, it makes me feel a bit more normal, as i really feel like i'm losing my grip sometimes.

The Al anon group i went to was quite small, maybe 8 or 9 people, and they all seemed to be living in the present with an alcoholic dh, dc, friend or relative. They were going through awful stuff and my life seemed nowhere near as bad in comparison.

But you are right, it is the constant tension and anticipation of the next binge that brings the anxiety. Whenever my dh even mentions that that he is going to meet someone for "a couple of pints" the knot starts in my stomach and i start to dread it, even when its days away.

I will certainly look up that literature, and thanks for the suggestions.

Thanks also Kitty i will look up the forums, if there are any. It is part of our daily lives in that it never really goes away, and i know that it never will, and i am really finding that hard to accept.

Dont accept it - it is not acceptable to live this way.

You are not unreasonable.

Give him the choice to remain in the family if he is teetotal - or to leave the family home if he wants to continue to drink.

Then move him or you out of the marital bed immediately until decisions or arrangements are made.

What about going to relate with him? If he hears your stress and what he does out loud - it might hit home for him - and you will find that you are def not BU - but are living an unnecessary nightmare.

But Kitty is that fair to tell him to go teetotal or move out when the actual binges are maybe only every 2 months or so, or maybe two in a month, and then a period go guilt and abstinence and everything is fine for 3 months?

For e.g. he is giving up alcohol for month of January to get fit and lose a few pounds and i know that he will probably stick to this.

In many other ways he is a good man, a good father and good husband, so is it fair to give him such a stark choice, when he is so good in between these episodes?

I know in my heart of hearts that our marriage would be improved immeasurably if he were to go teetotal. I have told him that. But i am not sure that things are so bad yet that i have to insist he never drinks again or i will kick him out.

Is it fair that everytime he's a bit late or he goes for a pint you are walking on eggshells waiting for him to come home drunk and incapable? I don't think so.

What about when your kids start seeing how he behaves? What about when they're teens and starting to drink? What about the impact on them? A goodman/father/husband would not put their family through this if they could put a stop to it.

Also we have been to Relate, many times. Our counsellor was not at all helpful, and never really dug down into the drinking issue, and let my dh minimise it greatly.

We also saw an addiction counsellor for a while. She advocated either going teetotal, or controlled drinking i.e. never going over a certain amount of drinks, but that didn't work for us either, my dh didn't like her, and didn't like her asking probing questions on his upbringing and the reasons behind his binging, he decided to stop the counselling and just try and do his best himself to control things.

Youthecat i really worry about that issue of the kids seeing this as they grow up. But they also see a hard working good man being their dad, and us separating would tear their world apart.

He can't control it or he wouldn't binge to the point of crapping everywhere.

It has to be teetotal or nothing in all honesty or you will still have that underlying feeling every time he goes out.

The crapping incident happened only once, not that i am trying to minimise that, it was disgusting and once is too much.

Mostly nowadays it involves staggering around, slurred speech, falling asleep on toilet or head down on the kitchen island, and wandering around the bedroom looking for the en suite bathroom door which is right in front of him!

Yanbu op and I can tell that many posters saying that you are have never had to live with an alcoholic/problem drinker and/or like a bit too much themselves.

Imo grown adults with families binge drinking is pathetic.

Dd saw it. She saw her birthdays and Christmases spoilt by a very selfish man. Now she sees (occasionally) a man gripped by alcoholism who is in denial, looks 10 years older than he is, and who has lost his job through his drinking.

He was hard working and still is when he has a job. His drinking has got much worse as time has gone on though. What was manageable in his 30s is now really not in his 50s but he will not stop. His drinking buddies are dropping like flies.

The whole 'I don't like this counsellor' and not wanting to talk about it is denial. He doesn't want to address his problems.