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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with dh after this drinking overXmas?

77 replies

Domenica69 · 31/12/2013 10:31

Dh's brother, partner and baby stayed with us for a week over Xmas. Dh went out with his dbro on Boxing day, had around 6 or 7 pints and then when he got home wanted to open more cans and drink in front of our dc.
I wasn't happy about this as he was already well on, and he has a history of periodic alcohol abuse.

Two nights later we hosted a party for pretty much mostly his friends and his dbros friends. He got fairly full at that, kept insisting people have another drink when they wanted to go home, at 1am. At 2am when i was trying to clear up he wanted another whisky and i asked him not to and to help me instead clear up after the party which HE insisted on having and i never wanted to have. He got a bit shitty on me, a bit nasty, then just fell asleep on the sofa.

We got over that, he apologised profusely the next day for being a prick. Then last night he asked would i mind him going out for a few pints with a mate who is home for xmas, but going home today, and they hadn't had any chance to meet up, so i said yeah fine. I like this guy, he is a good mate of dh, and dh said that he wouldn't be late, home 12ish.

He didn't get home till 1.30am, after heading out at 9.30pm. I know its not that late in the greater scheme of things but i was SO anxious and couldn't sleep from around midnight on, plus he wasn't answering his phone, and he has a tendency to sometimes go out for a couple and roll home blind drunk at 3 or 4am. (maybe 5 or 6 times a year.)

I was SO het up, tense and anxious that i totally went off on one last night when he did get home, even though he wasn't drunk. I feel bad about it today, but i also feel its not really my fault as due to his recent behaviour and past history i NEVER now know if or when he will make it home, and am always highly anxious if he is later than he said he will be as that usually means a binge is on.

He is pissed off with me for getting so angry at him last night. I am annoyed with myself but also him for creating the situation that has led to this level of mistrust and anxiety, and i am all round just really fed up, sad, frustrated and feel that we are just going to go on and on like this forever, which is really depressing me.

OP posts:
BlueStonesBells · 31/12/2013 22:48

I sympathise, OP. I grew up around binge drinking. It's classic minimisation, these people telling you to lighten up, give him a break, and so on. Most people can have a few drinks without feeling the need to get hammered; I think it's pathetic seeing grown men and women that drunk.

EirikurNoromaour · 31/12/2013 23:01

Yanbu
What are you going to do? You can't nag, persuade or love someone with alcohol issues into stopping or changing, and not can you safely bring up children with a partner who does this. What are you going to do?

EirikurNoromaour · 31/12/2013 23:02

All the people saying it's just Christmas, just a few drinks, no big deal have clearly never experienced life with a problem drinker.

SomethingkindaOod · 31/12/2013 23:21

Going off your OP I would have said YABU but your second post does indicate that he can't handle it and it really does impact on everybody else doesn't it? I do know how you feel (although I usually hate that expression).
DH for a long time would binge drink very occasionally to an extent that is hard to describe without being accused of making it up. The problem is that it's so occasional that on the face of it, it doesn't seem too bad but the problem is that the one night it happens they piss somewhere or throw up on something that needs to be replaced, pick an argument or just generally behave like a total prick and it affects the family for a day or so.
Then when they next have a drink you're on pins but envy things fine. Then just when you think it was a one off it happens again. It becomes a cycle that starts to affect you. Then someone tells you you're a nag or being controlling because you worry.
Sorry if my post is a projection and I've got the wrong end of the stick but your second post struck a real chord with me.
YANBU.

Earlspearl · 31/12/2013 23:25

He needs to be teetotal doesn't he. You could probably cope with party's and him being out extra late if he wasn't pooing in baths or disturbing your sleep or ruining special days

Earlspearl · 31/12/2013 23:29

I think I would give him a choice - an alcohol free marriage and family life with you OR life alone drinking to excess and behaving inappropriately.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2013 23:31

I agree with Earls.

Had many a child's birthday/Christmas spoiled by ex's excessive drinking.

Kitttty · 31/12/2013 23:49

Yep - he has a big problem and it is impacting on you all the time as you don't know when it will happen each time. He is not just getting drunk - he is well out of control and his behavior is gross. He has no stopping point.

Who does the cleaning up? AA always say leave them in the piss and shit and vomit. Do not undress them, put them to bed or clean up - as they have blackouts and will have had no recollection that they did this....and assume all was great.

Your kids don't need to see this or see you stressed.

Space2000 · 01/01/2014 00:07

Yanbu.
My dp is an occasional binge drinker, cut down massively. The anxiety you get when they go out is so horrid. How I react about a night out, if taken out of context I would look like a controlling psycho bitch but in the context of having a binge drinker dp/father of kids its a very natural reaction to what you have to put up with. I feel for you.

aquashiv · 01/01/2014 00:21

Yanbu.
Has he had counselling for his problem with alcohol?
It is one of the worst drugs imo and it's considered so acceptable even funny to act like an arse........
shocked by how many posters are inferring its you with an issue.

MrsLouisTheroux · 01/01/2014 00:56

Those of you telling OP to lighten up, stop controlling etc. have obviously not had to deal with the effects of a DP/H ruining Christmas, Birthdays, family occasions with their pissed up behaviour. Believe me, it's an f'ing nightmare living with someone who binge drinks and behaves like a prick.
OP YADNBU.

cls77 · 01/01/2014 01:09

YADNBU My STBEXH was like that, peeing on the floor,
Puking over toiletries at bottom of the bath, got hammered regularly. Of course OP said she was ok with him going out, no one wants to be the wife that whinges and moans, so we say yes then get treated like we and their children don't matter.
Believe me OP, my first New Years tonight without stressing and anxiously worrying about where he is or when he'll be home, and what state he will be in when he does. Better off without him.
You just need to ask yourself how much you really want this?

HopeClearwater · 01/01/2014 01:16

So fed up with all these posters calling the OP controlling. These posters clearly know bog all about alcohol abuse. OP's partner sounds like an alcoholic, at least according to the AA definition (can't control it, causes problems in his life).
I can't abide the way getting shitfaced is seen as entirely acceptable in our society these days.

DizzyZebra · 01/01/2014 01:19

YANBU

TBH i hate drunkeness. It bores me. I have cone to bed because OH has had more to drink than id like (but he hardly ever drinks now so i cant complain).

I understand the not sleeping. I wont sleep until he is in bed (well, in the other bedroom, as i co sleep with ds so he cant sleep in here after drinking). Mainly because the last time i left him alone drunk, i came back to find my 1 year old at the time crawling around the living room, him passed out, kitchen door open with the oven on. Fuck knows how long its been on. It was like walking into a wall of heat. I have never trusted him since. I do not leave him alone with alcohol and the children (i mean, burn down the house by yourself, just not with my kids).

So i understand how it can take one incident to put you off it for life.

i never want to experience that feeling that day again.

DizzyZebra · 01/01/2014 01:21

(that should say when i left him drinking, he wasn't drunk when i left him, i assumed he would have a drink or two, not a full bottle of fucking whiskey).

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/01/2014 01:28

Another one horrified at the number of people saying getting bladdered and acting like a prick is ok now and again. And even more acceptable if it's Christmas. They're clearly the partner of someone who is a bit wobbly on their feet when drunk, slurry, telling everyone they love them, collapses into bed snoring etc. That type of getting drunk is not too bad if it's now and again.

It's the other kind. The going missing for hours, slurring and dribbling, being incoherent, kebab sauce down their front, verbally aggressive with everyone, knocking a glass over and not cleaning the broken bits up so that your toddler nearly walks all over them when they come down the next morning.

THAT's the kind OP is talking about. There is no place for that behaviour in someone who is past the age of 25.

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 01/01/2014 01:54

YANBU OP.

I'm married to a problem drinker. Tonight he fell over the coffee table, spilled champagne over the living room and kitchen, and fell over in the garden and got his jumper stuck on a nail. He's now snoring in bed.

It all sounds pretty 'harmless' when I say it like that. But when I describe how often it happens, or how he's often got a bruised face because of drunken falling over, or can't remember the night before... Or the way it eats away at me.

My DH isn't a bad man. He's not abusive when drunk, just hopeless and helpless.

Good luck to you lovely. This year I'm going to decide what I should do.

HopeClearwater · 01/01/2014 01:54

Three alcoholics in my family. (One dead, one nearly dead, one in recovery). I've lost count of the number of arrogant shits who called me and my non-alcoholic relatives boring, controlling, miserable, spoilsports, party-poopers, etc etc. I always felt like saying, OK, you bloody live with one of them then. You clear up the vomit, the blood, the shit. You deal with the critics who say How could you let him get like this? You deal with social services when they find out the police have attended your property because of the alcoholic's behaviour and found your kids there. You do the nightly wrestle with your conscience about whether to phone the police and tell them your relative is drink-driving, knowing that half your family and friends will call you a grass and the alcoholic will be frighteningly furious... So easy, isn't it.

HopeClearwater · 01/01/2014 01:56

Sunshine good luck to you this year. Heartbreaking post.

SomethingkindaOod · 01/01/2014 02:24

Hope Thanks
One alcoholic passed away in my family too. it makes you see things differently I think.
OP I hope you come back and read the last few posts. DH hasn't so far done this in nearly a year, ever since I told:his Mum, his best friend and his 'drinking buddy' that he couldn't come home if he was in a state. My MIL is a wonderful woman who supports my position and like me has raised 3 children at home while her husband works weird hours (farmers). I told her that I would lock him out if he phoned me in a state -which he always does- and he would have to go elsewhere. I did it once, she supported me and he hasn't done it since. He slept at his friends house as far as I know.

MrsLouisTheroux · 01/01/2014 09:58

To everyone who has shared stories in last few posts -
I hope that this new year is kind to you.
OP- come back and read what people have written. YANBU.

Andrewjlockley · 01/01/2014 10:23

I barely drink these days but remember well behaving like a twat when drunk on numerous occasions. When you're so drunk you confuse a wardrobe and a toilet, you can't be relied upon to cross a road or lock a door. If your partner drove home, you wouldn't excuse it by saying 'oh well he didn't have an accident'. If this guy can't find a way to limit his drinking reliably, he needs to stop. Video might help him see the problem. The problem here is that on one night YABU but pan the camera back and YANBU. He needs to understand he has a problem and take steps to keep the beer in check.If he can't control it (pacers, weaker beer, time limits, whatever) then he needs to stop. I've been to a funeral of someone like this. Hit by a van as he slept in the road at night, shitfaced.

Andrewjlockley · 01/01/2014 10:26

I barely drink these days but remember well behaving like a twat when drunk on numerous occasions. When you're so drunk you confuse a wardrobe and a toilet, you can't be relied upon to cross a road or lock a door. If your partner drove home, you wouldn't excuse it by saying 'oh well he didn't have an accident'. If this guy can't find a way to limit his drinking reliably, he needs to stop. Video might help him see the problem. The problem here is that on one night YABU but pan the camera back and YANBU. He needs to understand he has a problem and take steps to keep the beer in check.If he can't control it (pacers, weaker beer, time limits, whatever) then he needs to stop. I've been to a funeral of someone like this. Hit by a van as he slept in the road at night, shitfaced.

HopeClearwater · 01/01/2014 13:46

SomethingkindaOod thank you Smile

Andrewjlockley my goodness, what a tragic and needless end.

tudorqueen · 01/01/2014 14:09

My ExDH is an alcoholic. When he was home on shore leave he would spend most of the time either drunk or hungover. He missed Christmases, birthdays - every special occasion. We never knew when he would get in and half expected him to just disappear one day. He was physically abusive when drunk and verbally abusive when sober. It was always my fault that he hit me because I was stupid, or I moved something, or I dared answer him back.

It is ok to drink alcohol, but I don't understand why people need to drink to excess (I'm French and there's a different approach to alcohol there). I really don't understand why people binge drink. People have called me controlling, disapproving, uptight etc, but they are people who have never had to take their children to a hotel in the middle of the night because their father was threatening to kill us all.