AIBU to be fed up with dh after this drinking overXmas?

[Domenica69]

Dh's brother, partner and baby stayed with us for a week over Xmas. Dh went out with his dbro on Boxing day, had around 6 or 7 pints and then when he got home wanted to open more cans and drink in front of our dc.
I wasn't happy about this as he was already well on, and he has a history of periodic alcohol abuse.

Two nights later we hosted a party for pretty much mostly his friends and his dbros friends. He got fairly full at that, kept insisting people have another drink when they wanted to go home, at 1am. At 2am when i was trying to clear up he wanted another whisky and i asked him not to and to help me instead clear up after the party which HE insisted on having and i never wanted to have. He got a bit shitty on me, a bit nasty, then just fell asleep on the sofa.

We got over that, he apologised profusely the next day for being a prick. Then last night he asked would i mind him going out for a few pints with a mate who is home for xmas, but going home today, and they hadn't had any chance to meet up, so i said yeah fine. I like this guy, he is a good mate of dh, and dh said that he wouldn't be late, home 12ish.

He didn't get home till 1.30am, after heading out at 9.30pm. I know its not that late in the greater scheme of things but i was SO anxious and couldn't sleep from around midnight on, plus he wasn't answering his phone, and he has a tendency to sometimes go out for a couple and roll home blind drunk at 3 or 4am. (maybe 5 or 6 times a year.)

I was SO het up, tense and anxious that i totally went off on one last night when he did get home, even though he wasn't drunk. I feel bad about it today, but i also feel its not really my fault as due to his recent behaviour and past history i NEVER now know if or when he will make it home, and am always highly anxious if he is later than he said he will be as that usually means a binge is on.

He is pissed off with me for getting so angry at him last night. I am annoyed with myself but also him for creating the situation that has led to this level of mistrust and anxiety, and i am all round just really fed up, sad, frustrated and feel that we are just going to go on and on like this forever, which is really depressing me.

Domenica -- that's really a great sign that your dh has embraced counselling for these issues many times.

I am sad that Relate and the addiction counselor didn't work out for you both. Often it is the personal chemistry and gravitas of specific counselor that makes the impact. If you don't gel - try another.

On refection it may have worked more that you think -- your husband was v uncomfortable about the questioning - there was nowhere to hide for him....I wold encourage you both to do this again until he stops running away and faces his demons.

The advice he was given was go teetolal or do controlled drinking. He opted for the latter it has not worked - so the teetotal is his only option now.

"But Kitty is that fair to tell him to go teetotal or move out when the actual binges are maybe only every 2 months or so, or maybe two in a month, and then a period go guilt and abstinence and everything is fine for 3 months?" YES - because everything is not fine for 3 months FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN - you are living in stress 24/7 - he is not. Is your line in the sand at the number of episodes rather than the 24/7 stress you live under? If so where is it....? Someone pissing and shitting around your house 6 times a year isnt breaking point - is it 8, 10, 12 times a year?

"In many other ways he is a good man, a good father and good husband, so is it fair to give him such a stark choice, when he is so good in between these episodes?" - that's a great start - but what good husband pisses and shits in the home of his wife and children and leaves them living in stress 24/7.

"I know in my heart of hearts that our marriage would be improved immeasurably if he were to go teetotal. I have told him that. But i am not sure that things are so bad yet that i have to insist he never drinks again or i will kick him out." YOU ARE NOT KICKING HIM OUT - you are asking him to CHOOSE where he wants to live.

As above how many more episodes per year will be your tipping point? Even if they dont increase in frequency the cumulative impact over the years will make the stress in between worse.

You have no where else to go with this. You have to present him with the options - otherwise the situation will just deteriorate to a place of no return.

YANBU

Father was an alcoholic, I had years of wondering what sort of mood he would be in, watching him sleep for hours on afternoons - he held down a good job but he was an alcoholic.

I was a social and occasional binge drinker until my mid 30s, Now I am tee total, I dont see the point in 2 drinks and 5 or 6 is unhealthy...so now I know I will never drink again.

It has been over 2 years, i dont miss it, my partner does not drink..makes life easier...

But hey its christmas, let him cut loose a bit OP..if he wants to get drunk and shit in the bath dont be a stick in the mud! (Saracstic face)