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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and a complete witch to DH?

92 replies

Nowutterlyconfused · 30/12/2013 09:35

I'm so tired that I genuinely can't tell so would appreciate the wake up call if I am. Really sorry that this is so long.

DD is 11 weeks old. Wonderful though she is, she's not a great sleeper and I'm now
definitely feeling the cumulative effects. DH, who I love to bits and who is generally a great dad, has a reasonably dangerous hobby. He used to do this a lot in his twenties, before we met, but in recent years it's been more like three or four weekends each year. A few weeks ago he broke his arm doing this hobby such that he can't lift DD and therefore can't feed/change/settle her etc. Although he is doing as much as he can and still tries to spend as much time as possible with her, the physical aspects of looking after DD have now fallen to me and will do for another few weeks. I fully appreciate that some people do this as single parents and God, I have the greatest admiration for them, so I am genuinely sorry if this sounds like I'm being a wuss, but I am just very tired from doing all the night sessions (as DH can't lift DD out of the cot) and can't go anywhere (such as the osteopath to sort out my bad back) without her because he can't pick her up if she cries so am now sore as well as grumpy.

I have asked DH to stop doing this hobby. I don't feel that it's fair that it should be considered more important than him carrying out his share of the parental responsibility and I am not keen for this to happen again. He is reluctant and is saying he really enjoys it. I can't help thinking that there are things that I enjoy too but have put aside to look after DD and I am also scared that next time he might do himself some permanent and serious damage which could limit his ability to play or spend time with DD. I feel that things are just different now she has arrived and that he could spend more time on his other, less risky, hobbies. I am starting to feel that I am nagging and snapping at him and hate it. Am I being a cow?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 30/12/2013 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steff13 · 30/12/2013 09:44

It depends on the hobby and the risk of injury, I think. If the injury is just a freak thing that would likely never happen again, you may be being unreasonable.

deckthehallswithboughsoffolly · 30/12/2013 09:45

Depends how likely he is to get injured tbh. If he's pit fighting, then yanbu, if he is rock climbing then yabu, iyswim.

It is very difficult to get any perspective or discuss things reasonably when you are as tired as all hell. Can you agree he will leave the hobby for eg six months, then you can both chat again at that point when you might be a bit less frazzled?

YouTheCat · 30/12/2013 09:46

He needs to grow up.

For now he needs to be a parent. He can always take it back up again once the baby is older depending on what it is.

NinjaBunny · 30/12/2013 09:46

YAB a bit U.

I do see where you're coming from and get that you're tired.

I have friends who have recently had a child and the wife is constantly having a go at the husband for doing his hobby and nagging at him to quit. It's ruining their marriage.

He needs a hobby.

He could just as easily injure himself elsewhere.

Can anyone else help you?

ZillionChocolate · 30/12/2013 09:47

Depends on what it is. Life is risky and people sometimes end up with serious injuries from seemingly nothing.

MamaBear17 · 30/12/2013 09:51

He needs to take a break from it, whatever it is, until your dd is older. I asked my dh to stop playing football 3 times a week when my dd was tiny and colicky because I needed some help. He was at work all day and then out two evenings and one weekend day a week and I was struggling. You are allowed to find it hard and you should ask him to put you and your dd before this hobby for a while. They are only little for a while.

PresidentServalan · 30/12/2013 09:54

You would be totally U to do that. You can't tell another adult what to do, and as you say in your OP, if you were a lone parent you would have to do all of the childcare.

steff13 · 30/12/2013 09:55

I do agree with mamabear that it's not unreasonable to ask him to take a break from it until the baby is a bit older.

Joules68 · 30/12/2013 10:00

What hobbies have you put aside op?

tabulahrasa · 30/12/2013 10:00

Why can't he lift her with his other arm?

NoComet · 30/12/2013 10:02

YABU
I had DH/DM doing all nappy changes for DD1 at 5 months because I need a minor OP on my hand.

I've had DH chase slightly older DDs for weeks due to spectacularly sparing my ankle, simply crossing the road.

Honestly illness and accidents happen, you just have to cope.

notarealgrownup · 30/12/2013 10:04

If his hobby is having a negative impact on his family then he should stop.
YANBU

MamaBear17 · 30/12/2013 10:09

Accidents and illnesses do happen but the first few months of being a new parent are a nightmare for some, especially if you have a baby who is a poor sleeper. It is not unreasonable to ask your partner to make a sacrifice until things become easier. The mother generally gives up everything in those first few weeks as primary carer, couple that with sleep deprivation and it can be sheer hell. The op would have to cope if she were a lone parent but she isn't. A break from a hobby to support his wife and child isn't much to ask of a father.

MrsWolowitzYouAMerryChristmas · 30/12/2013 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTDibbler · 30/12/2013 10:13

YANBU asking him to put the hobby aside temporarily while dd is tiny. But if he is opting out of feeding/changing/settling because he has broken his arm, he is being VVU as it shouldn't stop him at all.

steff13 · 30/12/2013 10:14

Adults are entitled to their own hobbies and interests, but certainly the primary responsibility is to the family unit. If, for instance, his hobby is something that carries a high risk of injury or death, then it's unreasonable of him to continue it.

I do like the point that if the OP were a single parent she'd have to do all the childcare. I think I'll pull that out the next time it's my turn to pick up the baby from daycare; I'll refuse to pick her up on the grounds that if my husband were a single parent he'd have to do it all the time. Hmm

NoComet · 30/12/2013 10:17

and if course you can go to the osteopaths etc without her, your DH can find ways to cuddle and snuggle her and comfort her, you can inelegantly pick up small babies on handed. If he can use his broken arm at all you can change nappies on handed.

I did both when I did my hand. Yes I ended up using DH and my DM because it was hard to keep the dressing clean, but it can be done.

DD2 is an expert at breaking her arms and she'll assure you most things are possible.

pixiepotter · 30/12/2013 10:17

yabu and also locking the door after the horse has bolted

Rhubarbgarden · 30/12/2013 10:17

Yanbu. Yes illnesses and accidents happen in general life and then you just have to get on with it. Putting yourself deliberately at risk by doing a dangerous hobby is selfish if your partner is struggling to care for a small child on their own as a result of your actions. Babies are bloody hard work but in a couple of years things will be much easier. The sensible and grown up thing to do would be for him to take a break for a while. Nobody is suggesting he gives up his hobby forever.

You can't, however, force him. Have a calm discussion about it and explain how you feel. If he refuses to give it up even for a short while, tell him to take out insurance to cover extra help if he's incapacitated again.

Original poster
Nowutterlyconfused · 30/12/2013 10:19

It's downhill mountain biking. I totally get that it's not possible to wrap yourself up in cotton wool and that accidents or injuries can happen all over the place but I don't understand why you would deliberately go out of your way to seek them out when it's not necessary. He has injured himself before although this is the first time he's actually broken a limb. I love skiing and singing but I won't be doing those any time soon. I probably wouldn't have before he had his accident because weekends away and evening reheasals are hard with a little one but certainly won't be now. Perhaps if I am being brutally honest, that's part of it - I can't help being a bit annoyed by the abdication of parental responsibility because he assumes that it's fine for me to put my life on hold for longer.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:22

I think yabu for just this time.
I'd agree if he was doing it every other weekend and broke bones every year.

On the other hand, if he's not doing this hobby that frequently, he may be losing his skills and may be more prone to more accidents through simple lack of practice.
I think you could discuss this aspect with him, but I wouldn't prevent him from doing this hobby.

Are there any other ways in which he can help you around the house? Or could you both figure out ways to simplify things so that you are not too tired? Maybe even get a cleaner for a few weeks while his arm is in the cast?

DameDeepRedBetty · 30/12/2013 10:22

fwiw my dad gave up motor racing when I was born. He didn't want to leave my mum a widow, and the death and injury rate in those days was still horrific.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/12/2013 10:24

You would be totally U to do that. You can't tell another adult what to do, and as you say in your OP, if you were a lone parent you would have to do all of the childcare.

Except she isn't a lone parent. So she shouldn't have to do it all. There's no point saying "if you were..." anything.

He could have broken his arm anywhere, but on this occasion he has purposely put himself in a situation that caused it, and its now having an impact on his wife and very young child.

OP YANBU at all. Every parent must make sacrifices.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:24

You can also wait for him to get his arm fixed and go on a weekend skiing trip leaving him with the baby. :)