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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and a complete witch to DH?

92 replies

Nowutterlyconfused · 30/12/2013 09:35

I'm so tired that I genuinely can't tell so would appreciate the wake up call if I am. Really sorry that this is so long.

DD is 11 weeks old. Wonderful though she is, she's not a great sleeper and I'm now
definitely feeling the cumulative effects. DH, who I love to bits and who is generally a great dad, has a reasonably dangerous hobby. He used to do this a lot in his twenties, before we met, but in recent years it's been more like three or four weekends each year. A few weeks ago he broke his arm doing this hobby such that he can't lift DD and therefore can't feed/change/settle her etc. Although he is doing as much as he can and still tries to spend as much time as possible with her, the physical aspects of looking after DD have now fallen to me and will do for another few weeks. I fully appreciate that some people do this as single parents and God, I have the greatest admiration for them, so I am genuinely sorry if this sounds like I'm being a wuss, but I am just very tired from doing all the night sessions (as DH can't lift DD out of the cot) and can't go anywhere (such as the osteopath to sort out my bad back) without her because he can't pick her up if she cries so am now sore as well as grumpy.

I have asked DH to stop doing this hobby. I don't feel that it's fair that it should be considered more important than him carrying out his share of the parental responsibility and I am not keen for this to happen again. He is reluctant and is saying he really enjoys it. I can't help thinking that there are things that I enjoy too but have put aside to look after DD and I am also scared that next time he might do himself some permanent and serious damage which could limit his ability to play or spend time with DD. I feel that things are just different now she has arrived and that he could spend more time on his other, less risky, hobbies. I am starting to feel that I am nagging and snapping at him and hate it. Am I being a cow?

OP posts:
MamaBear17 · 30/12/2013 10:29

My husband was the same. He wanted to carry on as before but quickly learned that he couldn't. Coming home and finding me sobbing whilst dd screamed in my arms and me telling him I wanted to give her to my mum did it. It is hard when you have a high needs baby and you need him to step up. I think you need to hand your dd over to him more. He should be able to do more than he is, with or without a broken arm. Hand her over and go for a long soak in the bath. Let him cope, just as you have. Hugs to you.

YouTheCat · 30/12/2013 10:30

You've had to stop your hobbies to be a parent for now as there are more important things going on. So should he for now.

IceNoSlice · 30/12/2013 10:32

Don't make it a permanent thing. Just suggest that you both put these things (skiing, MTBing) on hold for a few months. Agree to revisit at a future date - Easter? See how you're getting on then. And try to do it be talking through pros/cons, costs, how fair it is to each of you, priorities etc. try not to make it "nowutterly won't let me" but his decision as part of your team. I hate the idea of one person forbidding something in a marriage, seems to me a sure fire way towards resentment.

If he doesn't come to agreement and make the decision to put the biking on hold himself, then I personally would try to find a compromise, eg avoiding the black routes and harsh weather, finding some 'time off' for you (a day at MK snow dome perhaps? Spa? Just a day without DC?).

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2013 10:32

I dunno. I would take it very badly indeed if my husband told me he wanted me to stop running. You've said yourself this is the first time he's done something serious like broken a limb. I think it's so important to have your own interests aside from being a parent; I'm sorry that his accident has meant that more day-to-day work has fallen to you but sometimes this does happen through no fault of anyone's. My own husband has a chronic back injury which flares up particularly badly from time to time and has a significant effect on his day to day activities so I do know what it's like.

Rhubarbgarden · 30/12/2013 10:33

I think it just doesn't occur to some men people that parenting is a joint affair. My dh got quite defensive when I complained about him playing sport every Saturday. It wasn't like he'd be gone a couple of hours, it involved a whole day each time. He trotted out lots of arguments about how we still needed adult interests etc. I pointed out how many days I'd been able to indulge in my own interests since dc arrived and perhaps if he was taking every Saturday off, I could bugger off all day Sundays. This was a revelation to him - it had never actually occurred to him that days off for me were rare as hens teeth, and he became a lot more considerate after that.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2013 10:34

He can cuddle her in one arm for a start. He can lie her on a mat/in her chair and talk to her.

Has she got a swing she can go in so you can rest/bath/read while he watches her?

And he should definitely give up for the foreseeable future at least. For those using the Lone Parent argument, same applies to the DH here. He couldn't do that sport if he was on his own with the DD, now could he?

IceNoSlice · 30/12/2013 10:35

And the idea Lweji had a getting a cleaner for a few weeks is a very good one. Online grocery shopping too. Make life as easy as possible for both of you.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:36

It also makes you wonder how a one armed parent would cope. I'm sure there are ways to lift an 11 week old with one arm, particularly a man's arm, and one who is used to sport.

Back2Basics · 30/12/2013 10:37

I think YABU to stop him. The problem here isn't you doing the lion share ect it's more you feel swamped in mummy mode while dh can switch on and off and isn't just a dad. OP I mean this so nicely get a life get dh to babysit or pay for a babysitter if he's incapable due to his own fault and find something that gets you being YOU and not just a mum.

Joysmum · 30/12/2013 10:39

YABU

You need to talk to him and explain your fears but then it's up to him to decide whether he wants to give up.

I'm a horse rider and that can be very high risk. Most women I know still ride after having had a baby but less than they did only because they don't have time. If anyone suggested to any one of us to stop they'd be uproar. I did however give up motor biking for a while (but hubby didn't) and that's because (despite statically being lower risk) I felt more at risk on a bike because the risks come from others as well as managing my own riding.

What we can all do though is to continue in our hobbies but try to further limit the risks. It's not an all or nothing scenario.

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2013 10:41

Great post, Joysmum. I forgot to mention that I also used to love climbing, and kept it up after both my daughters were born. Annoyingly I now struggle with vertigo so have given it up for the moment, but I don't see anything wrong in principle with a parent doing a dangerous sport.

skittycat · 30/12/2013 10:44

I think YABU. He only does this hobby three or four weekends in a year and it sounds like something he enjoys to do.

There are risks with everything, it is unfortunate that his break has coincided with the early period of having your child but he could quite easily have broken something cycling to work, or even something like falling down the stairs. He may have purposefully put himself in the situation that caused it, but that could be said of any injury... i could purposefully be chopping meat up for tea and slice my finger off doing it.... It was me choosing to do it, but it would still be an accident and would impact on my family also.

It has been your choice to put aside things that you enjoy doing, it doesn't mean you should get to dictate what he chooses to do.

ViviPru · 30/12/2013 10:45

I'd agree if he was doing it every other weekend and broke bones every year.

On the other hand, if he's not doing this hobby that frequently, he may be losing his skills and may be more prone to more accidents through simple lack of practice.

I agree with this. DH loves MTB and really pushes the limits sometimes. These days, he goes about as frequently as the OPs DH, and it's his only real physical release. That said, he's been doing it years and while he's had odd scrapes, he's never had a serious injury, small part luck, large part experience and great skill IMO.

He is self-employed and does not have any health insurance/income protection (for unrelated reasons) so if he had a serious accident it could seriously affect our income, but I just couldn't ask him to stop, it would make him miserable. We are starting a family imminently and I'm pretty sure I won't change my mind about this. Its important on occasion he (and I) gets to continue to participate in an activity that makes [us] happy outside of the family.

Mellowandfruitful · 30/12/2013 10:46

Surely he could agree to take a break (no pun intended) from it for a bit while night feeds etc are still an issue then go back to it afterwards?

Have you got a sling she could go in, so he could settle her that way? There must be options. I wonder what Alison Lapper did?

WipsGlitter · 30/12/2013 10:48

YABU. It's only a few times a year. Being a parent doesn't stop you from being a person unless you let it!

Why wouldn't you keep singing? Once DP is better he can watch her while you go out.

Mellowandfruitful · 30/12/2013 10:48

Vivi, one thing I would definitely do in your situation is get insurance. The Michael Schumacher accident this weekend has shown what can happen even to successful and fit sportspeople through sheer bad luck.

ViviPru · 30/12/2013 10:51

Mellow you're right but for other (completely unfair and ridiculous) MH-related reasons computer says no wrt DH being eligible for income protection/insurance. It's a sod, but we are careful to self-insure as far as possible and I am and continue to be the main income provider, we could manage on my income alone.

youmakemydreams · 30/12/2013 10:53

I had a feeling it was going to be mountain biking. Oh is into it in a big way and I really want to chase him around with a mattress and hate watching the trail videos. But with the best will in the world yabu.

You are at the worst stage of shattered with a new baby right now and it is a massive pain that he has broken his arm but this stage doesn't last forever.
Your dh isn't off every other weekend doing this and as hard as the broken arms and collar bones are they won't always be a problem. It is such a short time you feel this exhausted for although while you're living it, it feels like forever.

And in a few years you may be in my position with shiny new child sized mountain bikes in the shed so your dd can join him Hmm I will be buying shares in cotton wool.

peggyundercrackers · 30/12/2013 11:03

YABU - its his hobby and he doesnt do it that often. ive always found it strange people give up their hobbies/change their life just because they have kids - i think thats wrong.

Oblomov · 30/12/2013 11:05

"I've given up my hobbies, and I have no free time . So I expect dh to too."
Well more fool you. What made you such a martyr?

Mellowandfruitful · 30/12/2013 11:11

Vivi - argh, that is a bugger.

Don't see the need for the harshness in recent posts towards a very tired and stressed OP.

YouTheCat · 30/12/2013 11:15

Me neither, Mellow.

Some people forget what it was like.

They should both put the more dangerous hobbies on hold for a little while. This isn't about not being a person and not having a life outside parenting. It's not like the OP is saying her dh can't go out any more of have hobbies.

If you do something that makes your partner's life a lot more difficult then that's a bit selfish.

MizK · 30/12/2013 11:16

It's such early days with the baby that I'm not surprised you're pissed off. However I must agree that you both should keep up hobbies that you love. It probably seems completely unrealistic whilst you are in the middle of sleep deprivation and doing everything, but when you are able, you bloody well make sure you get time to do something you enjoy. The last thing any relationship needs is two people battling one another for time to enjoy themselves, make an agreement early on about when each of you gets to have time away from the house and child care or you will go insane.
And fwiw I would try to be gracious to DH now and make sure he repays you in kind when he's recovered.....lots of lie ins for you at the very least!

Dumpylump · 30/12/2013 11:18

Yabu. I understand why you feel the way you feel though. It's still early days for both of you as parents, but once you get into a better routine there's absolutely no reason why you can't carry on with singing if that's what you enjoy doing.
Dh used to do parachute jumps, he loved it. He did his last one 3 days before we lost him, in a car crash. We were all in the car.

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2013 11:21

Can't see any harshness apart from possibly one post, Mellow. Just people with different perspectives, that's all.

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