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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and a complete witch to DH?

92 replies

Nowutterlyconfused · 30/12/2013 09:35

I'm so tired that I genuinely can't tell so would appreciate the wake up call if I am. Really sorry that this is so long.

DD is 11 weeks old. Wonderful though she is, she's not a great sleeper and I'm now
definitely feeling the cumulative effects. DH, who I love to bits and who is generally a great dad, has a reasonably dangerous hobby. He used to do this a lot in his twenties, before we met, but in recent years it's been more like three or four weekends each year. A few weeks ago he broke his arm doing this hobby such that he can't lift DD and therefore can't feed/change/settle her etc. Although he is doing as much as he can and still tries to spend as much time as possible with her, the physical aspects of looking after DD have now fallen to me and will do for another few weeks. I fully appreciate that some people do this as single parents and God, I have the greatest admiration for them, so I am genuinely sorry if this sounds like I'm being a wuss, but I am just very tired from doing all the night sessions (as DH can't lift DD out of the cot) and can't go anywhere (such as the osteopath to sort out my bad back) without her because he can't pick her up if she cries so am now sore as well as grumpy.

I have asked DH to stop doing this hobby. I don't feel that it's fair that it should be considered more important than him carrying out his share of the parental responsibility and I am not keen for this to happen again. He is reluctant and is saying he really enjoys it. I can't help thinking that there are things that I enjoy too but have put aside to look after DD and I am also scared that next time he might do himself some permanent and serious damage which could limit his ability to play or spend time with DD. I feel that things are just different now she has arrived and that he could spend more time on his other, less risky, hobbies. I am starting to feel that I am nagging and snapping at him and hate it. Am I being a cow?

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 30/12/2013 11:22

Yanbu I ride like joysmum but know I've snapped my arm twice jumping so I give up until DCs are past the high needs stage and won't jump for a long while yet.

He should limit his risk for a time, that doesn't mean forever just a time.

And tbh just doing it a few times a year probably increases risk as his skills will decrease.

HellonHeels · 30/12/2013 11:34

A few weeks into recovering from a simple arm fracture (if that is what it is, you don't mention any complications) I think your DH should be quite capable of lifting the baby with the good arm, cuddling her, soothing her (holding on chest, lying her along his legs). Depending on mobility in the fingers of injured arm he should also be able to manage nappy changes - aren't all nappies sticky tabbed or Velcro-ed now? He might be a bit slower but should be capable.

He should also be able to do some cleaning -wiping surfaces, scrubbing the loo, pushing a vacuum- even if he only does the middles of rooms.

Sports and hobbies are important for mental and physical health so I don't think he should give up. I do think that you need to get back to at least one of your activities as soon as you feel recovered enough from the birth to do it. You need some balance in your free time as a couple.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 30/12/2013 11:38

I don't think you're being a cow OP. I think 11 weeks sleepless nights - a difficult baby and a useless (as in broken arm!) DH would make anyone snappy.

DS1 was a poor sleeper too - I specifically remember feeling at breaking point at around the 12wk point- feeling so exhausted that I couldn't go on. But it does get easier - honestly it does.

Whether he should give up the hobby? I don't know. I don't actually feel you're being unreasonable to ask - in view of the fact that he has just had this injury, and how it has impacted on you.

It's all very well people saying "you cannot tell another adult what to do" - but it's not as simple as that, when you're supposedly an equal partnership and have a young baby. Maybe he should give it a rest while the baby is still so little? But obviously the older your dh gets, the more dangerous this mountain biking will be - as he will be less agile/strong etc - so a calm discussion (when you're not so sleep-deprived) is needed.

BeCool · 30/12/2013 11:46

YANBU to ask him to find a less dangerous hobby for a few years

IceNoSlice · 30/12/2013 11:50

Dumpylump I know you weren't looking for sympathy with your post but Flowers, I'm so sorry about your DH.

FudgefaceMcZ · 30/12/2013 11:53

YANBU. In order to illustrate this to him (and indeed to the 'men shouldn't have to lift their own babies' crowd on here), start looking very openly and with frequent requests for his opinion, at especially risky skiing weekend trips away. If he says anything, there's your opening to point out that he's doing exactly the same and as you are both new parents, you should get equal time for risky hobbies. There is no cause for him to stop cycling, but he can be a bit sodding more careful with an 11 week old, and also when has he found time to go out biking with a tiny baby ffs?

ViviPru · 30/12/2013 12:28

Ditto Ice's post. Very poignant and pertinent. Thanks

P.S. although I don't think you can ask him to stop the MTB, I don't think you're being a witch at all OP and echo Sabrinas sentiment in her 1st paragraph

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2013 12:34

I'm sorry Dumpylump, I cross posted with you I think; didn't mean to let your post go unacknowledged. Sorry to hear about your husband.

Polyethyl · 30/12/2013 13:00

If you had said the hobby was base jumping I might have understood. But mountain biking is a pretty standard hobby. Many sports have risks. Would you ban him from riding horses? Motorbiking? Skiing?
Life comes with risk.

pixiepotter · 30/12/2013 14:05

'It's downhill mountain biking'
Never heard of that before.How do you get to the top?

Lweji · 30/12/2013 14:37

Never heard of that before.How do you get to the top?

Probably in similar fashion to skydivers, skiers, abseilers, etc.

Original poster
Nowutterlyconfused · 30/12/2013 15:37

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, and Dumpylump, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

Pixiepotter, I'm no expert but I understand that that's the term used to differentiate it from cross country riding. I think.

As for the comment about being a martyr, I am a little bit surprised. I am honestly not meaning to be sarcastic at all, but in all seriousness, I'd be interested to know what other mums of 11 week olds are doing. Are they going out to evening hobbies in the evenings and going on weekends away leaving the baby at home with babysitters? I'm not saying that that would be wrong - I'm just honestly wanting to know whether I need to recalibrate my new scale of normal! We live out in the countryside, about three hours from our families so if I genuinely am meant to have resumed normal life by now then I need to get thinking about the logistics!

OP posts:
matildamatilda · 30/12/2013 15:58

YANBU.

Downhill mountain biking causes lots of injuries. It's analogous to snowboarding or ice-climbing or something. If he wants to have fun outside he can go for a run or play football.

I've known parents who've done these sorts of thrill-seeking high-risk things and yes, it's selfish.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2013 16:03

He should put it on hold or cut down for the next few months - that's not much of a sacrifice.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 16:10

YABU. It's 3 or 4 weeks out of the year.

He could hurt himself doing anything. These things happen, you cope for a while and then get back to normal. You've said yourself he's good when he's not injured.

dumpylump I am so very sorry about your husband.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2013 16:12

When DD was 11 weeks I don't think I had been out at all in the evening! It didn't bother me, or even occur to me, as on maternity leave your social life switches to the daytime. I did start going out soon after, sometimes, between the 7 and 11pm feed.

You find a new normal as parents. Both of you adjust your lives to fit in with your new priority.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 16:14

At about 11 weeks I did go to a congress oversees. It was 1.5 days, so it meant an overnight stay.

I wasn't spending weekends away, but you could certainly be spending a couple of nights a week with singing practice. Why not?

Lweji · 30/12/2013 16:17

You may well choose to stay at home all the time, but you could also choose not to. Either way is normal.

I wouldn't begrudge time away for a partner, just as long as I could cope and he'd stay with the baby at other times so that I could have some me time as well. It could be just shopping, meeting friends or having a walk.

Dumpylump · 30/12/2013 17:42

Thank you all, I honestly wasn't looking for sympathy, just making a point that someone who enjoyed jumping out of planes (father of two - who thought it was coolest thing ever), was minding his own business driving home with his family and was hit by a drug driver.

So I'm of the "enjoy every moment because you never know what's round the corner" school of thought.
Accident was nearly 10 years ago, we have moved on, dcs are growing up fast Xmas Smile

Dumpylump · 30/12/2013 17:45

Meanwhile....regarding going out, you don't have to, but if you'd like to, then there's no reason why your dh can't be at home with your baby while you go to singing practice, or whatever you enjoy. Why not give parachuting a go? Grin

IceNoSlice · 30/12/2013 17:50

I think getting your life back when your DC1 is 11 weeks would be ambitious - for me it was about setting myself small challenges. I went clothes shopping by myself for 3 hours when DS was 8 wo, went out for a short run at about 10 wo, went to the pub (which is all of 5 mins walk) for a couple of spritzers (EBF so not really drinking) at 13wo...

HicDraconis · 30/12/2013 17:56

YABU to think that with an 11 week old baby (ie nearly 3 months) you can't go out to evening rehearsals. I used to ring church bells, practice night one evening a week - by 11 weeks with ds1 I'd got back into it. I didn't use a babysitter though, DH stayed in that night. So there's nothing stopping you restarting singing.

I also used to have a slightly more dangerous (and expensive!) hobby, which I did give up once the boys came along because I was worried about the effects of permanent disability or death affecting my earning ability (main earner in our household) or my children.

So I guess I'm on the fence, mountain biking is a really common and popular sport where I live and I think it's unfair to ask him to stop just because of one fractured arm. But it's also unfair that you feel you can't have hobbies you enjoy.

Dumpy, another one who doesn't want to post without acknowledging your loss. 10 years may be a long time but still.

harriet247 · 30/12/2013 18:01

he can put it on hold a few months-the bike and the mountains will still be there im sure :)
Yanbu op

ashInTheAttic · 30/12/2013 18:02

Just for those who wondered how people with no arms manage - I have a friend whose DH has no arms, and it was a bit of a bummer. He couldn't look after the children alone until they didn't need to be picked up out of a cot and didn't need nappies changing.

maddy68 · 30/12/2013 18:04

I think yabu. You are just tired hormonal and a bit overwhelmed

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