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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my DH?

78 replies

ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 19:12

Hi, I haven't posted here before so I'm a bit nervous!

Having a bit of an issue at the moment. I have a DS who is 6 months. When I went on maternity leave it was agreed that I do some "keeping in touch" days over Xmas and the new year as I work in retail and it is a busy time. My maternity leave officially ends in Feb.

I am supposed to be working a couple of days this week, and then I have the rest of the month off until I go back in Feb. My DH is now refusing to look after DS while I work! DH gets 2 weeks off over Xmas with his job. He says that he wants this last week off to relax before he goes back next Monday and that I will have to tell work I can't go in! I can't do that, it would drop them in it. His argument is I'm not officially supposed to be back at work yet and he doesn't get a lot of time off (which is true). My argument is I already agreed to this BEFORE I went on maternity and he knew about it then, so he should have said something then. There is no one else who could have DS, we live far away from family etc due to his work. I really don't know what to do now as I feel he is pressuring me into this (and being a twat, if I'm honest). Am I really BU to have expected him to look after DS on his time off work?

OP posts:
superram · 29/12/2013 19:13

I would get up and go. How dare he?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/12/2013 19:15

YANBU

While you are having this conversation with him - make sure than he knows he will be taking his turn at taking days off when your DS is poorly or you have some kind of other childcare problem.

He does sound like a twat - does he do his fair share of child-related duties normally, or is it all down to you because you are a woman?

Lottiedoubtie · 29/12/2013 19:16

I would get up and go. How dare he?

Yes. Ths.

I'd also tell him you medc a week off in early Jan, so he'll have to tell work he cant be in that day. Just to see his face.

Swanbridge · 29/12/2013 19:17

Yup he's being a twat. YANBU. He's been spoiled with you being on maternity leave (how much childcare has he been doing so far? Even if you were at home this week the childcare should be equally shared, both getting equal time "off") so he's got a hell of a shock coming. That's life being a parent.

Goldmandra · 29/12/2013 19:17

YANBU.

He has been aware of this for a long time. He is parent now and needs to grow up.

Is he scared of being left with the baby?

squaretoes · 29/12/2013 19:18

YANBU, your DH is.

He is (i'm assuming) your DS's father. He doesn't get to choose not to 'look after him' same as he will never 'babysit' him. He is his FATHER, its just called being a father.

It really pisses me off that any man assumes he can say or do stuff like this, you shouldn't have to be asked to look after your own child.

Iwouldifihadthetime · 29/12/2013 19:18

Surely he should be looking forward to some father / son bonding time rather than seeing it as something to hinder his chances at relaxation?!! YANBU - he is!

SourSweets · 29/12/2013 19:19

He is BU. You look after the baby every day that he's at work, why shouldn't he do the same for you?

I'm doing the exact same thing as you btw, I'm in retail, my baby is 5 months and I've just done a KIT day today while DH had the baby. He enjoyed it, having your own baby for the day is not a chore.

Phineyj · 29/12/2013 19:21

I think he is being most unreasonable (it's not like you want two days to go to a spa, not that that would be unreasonable either if that's what you'd arranged).

However, in some ways this is quite useful information, as now you know he may not help you if you need to work on a weekend, or DC is ill and childcare will not take them. So you will need some sort of emergency plan B.

I am Angry on your behalf but if he won't do his bit it is probably better to know now and plan for it.

tumbletumble · 29/12/2013 19:22

He is being massively unreasonable

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 29/12/2013 19:23

Holiday from work does not equal holiday from family. He appears to be mistaking you for his staff. The child is 50% his, and it says nothing in his employment contract about paid holiday also letting him off his personal commitments.
You should be a team, time for him to start behaving like it.

teacher123 · 29/12/2013 19:25

What's your childcare going to be when you return to work? Because if you're relying on DH you need to ring round some childcare providers sharpish. He's being an utter prick.

Blueandwhitelover · 29/12/2013 19:26

He is being Unreasonable with a capital U. However, is he secretly scared about being responsible for the baby???

I agree with the poster who said that he needs to remember you cannot be responsible for all sickness in dcs and he will need to take time off for this and in school holidays etc.

BruthasTortoise · 29/12/2013 19:26

When he says relaxing does he mean the three of you going out for days away together or an equally telaxing time for you if the two of you are there to look after DS together and take it easy. Or does he mean you look after DS while he lies on his butt? Not that it makes him any less unreasonable but the former would make him less of a dick.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/12/2013 19:28

He is being unreasonable.

It's his son too and he has to take responsibility for him.

He doesn't get much time off work? Neither do a lot of fathers, but you still see them pulling their fingers out.

Tell him to stop acting so entitled.

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 19:28

Thank you. I didn't think I was BU, I just wanted to hear it from other people. I do the lion's share of the childcare, I've had 2 evenings out since DS was born. DH is a wonderful father and he is great with DS, I can't fault him on that.

I mentioned that I didn't have "days off" as I'm either looking after DS or at work! It's not like I'm getting a break. He said I have had 7 months off on maternity! I don't know how he works that one out as when he looks after DS he makes it out to be a chore.

Thanks again for the responses, I think I have some thinking to do to be honest. I'm at work tomorrow (DH has agreed to "babysit" DS for tomorrow at least, very generous of him).

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 19:28

well, that's a good start.

YANBU. It's worrying if he won't change his mind.

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 19:29

teacher DS will be going to a childminder in the week and DH will be having him on Saturdays (I don't have to work Sundays). I hope.

OP posts:
Splatt34 · 29/12/2013 19:30

It's time off from work, not from being a dad. How many days off have you had in the past month? He is being v unreasonable. My DH does most of our childcare & loves it. Also remind him you are being paid to go to work.

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 29/12/2013 19:31

He needs to look after his DS for a day to understand your 7 months "leave" is actually exhausting 24 hour a day work. Lazy git. Assert yourself, have these KIT days if you want them and then establish some boundaries with him about getting some you time at least once a week. Perfect for him to bond with your DS and great for you to get some time to yourself. Win-win.

NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 19:31

You need to go out more, and you need to gain an understanding now of the fact that your DH will be equally responsible for chores and childcare when you return to work.

Good luck. Sounds like you might need it.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/12/2013 19:31

Breaking news! He can't refuse to look after his own child.

You get up, get ready and go to work. End of. What's he going to do, leave the baby in his cot and ignore him all day? No.

On the plus side you've now got a loud and clear message about what a prick you're married to and you can bear this in mind when thinking about whether you want to have any more children with a total arsehole.

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 29/12/2013 19:32

And don't for a minute let him get away with using the phrase "babysitting" his own child.

I'm feeling very very Angry right now on your behalf.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 29/12/2013 19:34

I can't believe i have just read that! This is his child; his son he is talking about. He is being unbelievably unreasonable and if i was you i would give him hell for this attitude.

NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 19:34

Can you explain to him (God knows it shouldn't need explaining) that you have been looking after your child every day for 7 months to enable him to work?