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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my DH?

78 replies

ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 19:12

Hi, I haven't posted here before so I'm a bit nervous!

Having a bit of an issue at the moment. I have a DS who is 6 months. When I went on maternity leave it was agreed that I do some "keeping in touch" days over Xmas and the new year as I work in retail and it is a busy time. My maternity leave officially ends in Feb.

I am supposed to be working a couple of days this week, and then I have the rest of the month off until I go back in Feb. My DH is now refusing to look after DS while I work! DH gets 2 weeks off over Xmas with his job. He says that he wants this last week off to relax before he goes back next Monday and that I will have to tell work I can't go in! I can't do that, it would drop them in it. His argument is I'm not officially supposed to be back at work yet and he doesn't get a lot of time off (which is true). My argument is I already agreed to this BEFORE I went on maternity and he knew about it then, so he should have said something then. There is no one else who could have DS, we live far away from family etc due to his work. I really don't know what to do now as I feel he is pressuring me into this (and being a twat, if I'm honest). Am I really BU to have expected him to look after DS on his time off work?

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 20:23

It sounds like a big discussion is needed here. He's ratty because he sees things are going to have to change for him. Maybe he's anxious about that or maybe he's just lazy.

It does seem a bit odd that he's only now realising that his life has changed now he's a father.

edwinbear · 29/12/2013 20:23

Has he had ds for a whole day yet? Maybe he's just worried and stressed about it? I remember being terrified when dh went back to work leaving me alone with pfb after his paternity leave finished. I'll bet he will actually enjoy it and at 6 months, is your ds still having a lot of daytime sleep? So he will get a break while he is sleeping.

NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 20:26

edwin,

I take your point, but presumably your baby was only a couple of weeks old then. This father has had 7 months to get to know his child.

I find it a bit depressing that a father should be worried or reluctant about parenting his child.

happygirl87 · 29/12/2013 20:28

He is DDDBU, you are not BU! If he feels he cannot do childcare having agreed to do so on your KIT days, then it is his role to find an alternative childcare provider.

Double standard that you "had 7 months off" but he can't have DS as "needs time off" really boils my piss.

WooWooOwl · 29/12/2013 20:29

Your DH sounds like he is finally taking the shock to the system that is becoming a parent. He needs to man the fuck up and start getting over it, looking after his own child isn't something he has a choice in anymore.

rpitchfo · 29/12/2013 20:31

ermm he's still got time off from work. Looking after a child isn't a choice.

EmmaBemma · 29/12/2013 20:35

I had all guns blazing for your DH when I read your post, but I now think edwinbear might have a point. Not that it would excuse his behaviour, but might explain it a bit. However. What the actual fuck.

coppertop · 29/12/2013 20:40

If looking after your own child is "babysitting", I hope you're going to bill your dh for the 6+ months of babysitting that you've done so far.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/12/2013 20:44

YYY another one who would like to know why it's work when he does it but time off when it's you? Hmm

Twatty McTwatalot.

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 20:58

The longest he has had DS alone was from about 4pm overnight until 12pm the next day (on a night when I went out and stayed over at a friend's). DS has 2 naps in the day, about an hour each time. I'm a bit baffled by his attitude to be honest.

OP posts:
Splatt34 · 29/12/2013 20:59

I've just told DH about this. His response.......
"What a tw*t!"

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/12/2013 21:04

Splatt your DH was politer than mine! Xmas Wink

Sleepybunny · 29/12/2013 21:06

This thread has made me stabby

edwinbear · 29/12/2013 21:45

It's the fact he is making out he is doing you some sort of favour which is especially irksome, as if he has a choice in the matter. But, if he is otherwise a decent sort of bloke, give him the benefit of the doubt and work on the basis that he isn't a lazy arse, just a terrified one. Leave him a detailed list of what happens and when, (of course he should already know this but I'll bet he thinks he doesn't) and leave him to it. When you get home, with a bit of luck, he will realise he was being a bit of a twat about it all and there will be no more dramas.

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 30/12/2013 19:42

Thanks everyone. He had DS today and was fine but he already said he "didn't mind" doing it today. I am supposed to be working tomorrow but he said at the weekend that he wanted to be able to have a few drinks in the day without having to worry about DS as it's NYE. I am going to remind him that I am working tomorrow in a minute and see what his reaction is then. If he kicks up a fuss then I'll know he is just being a selfish twat.

OP posts:
StrainingWaistband · 30/12/2013 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

natwebb79 · 30/12/2013 20:10

Why does he need to have a few drinks in the day tomorrow? Can't he just have some drinks in the evening like normal people? I really don't understand why you haven't just told him straight yet.

YourHandInMyHand · 30/12/2013 20:16

Why does NYE mean he needs to have a couple of drinks in the day?

Hmm

You def need to talk about long term arrangements for DS while you are working. I agree with you going back to work if you want to, it's not just about the money and his archaic logic about "babysitting" his own son would make me even more keen on keeping my hand in work wise and having financial independance. What a tool!

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 30/12/2013 21:04

I have spoken to him and reminded him that I am working tomorrow. He was fine about it. Confused I am bewildered to be honest as to why he made such a fuss. What a baby.

OP posts:
CalmaLlamaDown · 30/12/2013 21:14

In that case, it Sounds like he was just nervous about having DS all day on his own for the first time. Glad you have it sorted!

StrainingWaistband · 31/12/2013 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 31/12/2013 18:07

If this is not a wind up, in your shoes I would be seriously wondering about my future with a man like that. He sounds like an entitled total wanker to me and it is stuff like this that corrodes any feelgood factor in a relationship. What is it with men like this? Can they not see the words coming out of their mouths forming speech bubbles with coffin nails depicted? Tosser!

Joysmum · 31/12/2013 18:10

What a twat. He sees 7 months of childcare done by you as 'holiday' but 2 days of childcare by him isn't holiday????

NewtRipley · 31/12/2013 18:20

I agree with Straining

Start as you mean to go on.

mineofuselessinformation · 31/12/2013 18:23

Calmly remind him whenever you will not be there to look after ds - you should NOT need to ask him to look after his son. If he ever dares to makes comments about how you aren't working while on ML, ask him why on earth he made such a fuss about having ds for the day as it's so easy.....