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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my DH?

78 replies

ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 19:12

Hi, I haven't posted here before so I'm a bit nervous!

Having a bit of an issue at the moment. I have a DS who is 6 months. When I went on maternity leave it was agreed that I do some "keeping in touch" days over Xmas and the new year as I work in retail and it is a busy time. My maternity leave officially ends in Feb.

I am supposed to be working a couple of days this week, and then I have the rest of the month off until I go back in Feb. My DH is now refusing to look after DS while I work! DH gets 2 weeks off over Xmas with his job. He says that he wants this last week off to relax before he goes back next Monday and that I will have to tell work I can't go in! I can't do that, it would drop them in it. His argument is I'm not officially supposed to be back at work yet and he doesn't get a lot of time off (which is true). My argument is I already agreed to this BEFORE I went on maternity and he knew about it then, so he should have said something then. There is no one else who could have DS, we live far away from family etc due to his work. I really don't know what to do now as I feel he is pressuring me into this (and being a twat, if I'm honest). Am I really BU to have expected him to look after DS on his time off work?

OP posts:
StrainingWaistband · 29/12/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 19:35

You do know it's impossible for him to babysit his own child?

He is being a parent, not a babysitter. Make sure you don't thank him Hmm

Twat is right.

Phineyj · 29/12/2013 19:35

I would be concerned about him doing every Saturday and lining up a babysitter just in case. My DH was terrific during ML and covered all my KIT days plus regular time so I could do my own thing -- but when I went back to work and he realised he'd have to cover a chunk of the weekends too it caused problems. And he is not a selfish person, he'd just not thought it through. I think many men do not realise they will have to compromise/lose leisure time too.

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 19:35

x-posted, Straining Grin

bumbumsmummy · 29/12/2013 19:35

What a cock when's your week off then relaxing

Show him this thread and if I were you I'd get up and do the bottles get everything ready and go to work and leave him to it tough shit baptism of fire

Just told my DH what he said he wanted to know if this was an LTB thread Shock

You are a partnership not an servant you deserve more respect and like the others said looks like you are on your own in this so make sure your child care is fire proof

StrainingWaistband · 29/12/2013 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/12/2013 19:36

Babysit your own child?

I suppose he wants paying too?

Does he expect an hours lunch break?

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 29/12/2013 19:37

Errrr.. Phiney, if he doesn't want to look after his child then he works out childcare, not the OP. Although, I would seriously be considering what he's bringing to the family unit if he's not willing to look after and parent his own child.

NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 19:37

Phineyj

With all due respect - if she arranges something for him she's infantilising him.

teacher123 · 29/12/2013 19:39

What is he going to do on all the Saturdays? Have you discussed it with him properly, and he's on board with doing a day a week?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 19:39

Ask him outright - 'Why am I getting a break when I have DS, but you are not?^

Baffling sense of logic he has there.

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 19:40

What I would say to him would be unrepeatable.

mrstigs · 29/12/2013 19:40

Wow! The man is a cock that's for sure. I hate half assed fathers. They tell the woman she's sat on her arse doing nothing when it's her turn to have the baby but it's exhausting hard work when he does it so he needs 'time off' to recover. Tell him to grow the fuck up and you go and enjoy the change of scenery at work for a bit. Hope it's not too hectic for you.

NewtRipley · 29/12/2013 19:42

ChippingIn

yes. That's it. the line she needs to use.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/12/2013 19:44

Phiney why the fuck should the OP go to the bother and expense of organising back up babysitting? She will be at work, therefore he, as the other parent, will be the default childcare. If he wants to alter that then it is up to him to make and finance different arrangements.

OP a wonderful father does not behave like this. A wonderful father does not look at an occasional day with their child as a chore, nor does a wonderful father behave a such a twattish and thoughtless way towards his child's mother.
Playing tickles for 10 minutes here and there and beaming proudly used to be all that was required of a father - not in this century!

You need to sort this out now and start as you mean to go on. Do NOT let him treat you as staff.

Pilgit · 29/12/2013 19:44

Nothing helpful just want to scream on your behalf. He is being a dick.

harriet247 · 29/12/2013 19:47

Hate this. Had similar problem today with mine so I made sure dd had everything and then left! Yanbu!

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 20:02

Thanks everyone for responses. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get actually. Angry

I won't be working every Saturday, but I want to know that DH will be there when I do. The childminder doesn't work weekends.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 29/12/2013 20:06

There's no need to swear at me! Sure the OP can shout and scream at her OH/go out without discussion/tell him to man up (which may or may not have the desired effect) but I wanted to keep my job I'd be looking into some alternatives just in case. Because I would suspect this was a signal that my OH took neither my career nor the work involved in childcare terribly seriously.

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 20:08

Sadly, I think Phiney is right and he won't "babysit" on Saturdays.

Elephant, does he want you to go back to work? Or is this his way of preventing you (and so is it a much bigger problem than a couple of days' childminding over Christmas?).

StrainingWaistband · 29/12/2013 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edwinbear · 29/12/2013 20:12

YADNBU. You are going to work and therefore he needs to look after his child. In the same way that when he goes to work, you look after your child. You are going to work, you've been off on maternity and a few KIT days ahead of you starting back will be a huge benefit to get you back in the swing of things. It also helps out your employer meaning you go back on a good note. What would his boss say if he suddenly pulled out of working days he said he would on short notice, just because you didn't fancy doing the childcare for a day?

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 20:17

It's all very well to say present a fait accompli, Straining.

But if he won't, he won't. And if he is already (first day back) "reluctantly" agreeing to "babysit" I can't see him organising anything.

And if he simply goes out, what will the op do then? Not go to work?

Original poster
ElephantIntheroom1 · 29/12/2013 20:18

Maryz I don't think he minds one way or other if I go back to work or not. We could just about afford for me not to. But I want to work. I actually now think his view is if I want to work, it's up to me to sort out the childcare.

I had no idea that this would be his attitude, by the way - he was great when DS was first born and helped me loads. It's only since I went back for these KIT days that he has started to get ratty. I'm guessing because he has had to look after DS more.

OP posts:
MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 20:21

You need to talk then - work out days worked, days off (but childminding) and days off, completely off.

And maybe put them on a calendar so he can see it (and realise that you don't get any true days off Hmm)

Because you don't want to go back to work and suddenly realise that he still thinks Saturdays are his day off. You'll be a bit up shit creek then.