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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give her a lift

88 replies

Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 16:43

Have a wedding to go to later in the week.

We have four dcs all with various health issues and getting out of the house is a major struggle and stressful. Ds2 is 1 and currently gets very very distressed in his car seat if he can see me at all. If I sit in front passenger seat he's fine ( he has a rear facing seat). Even if I sit on the same row of seats but not directly next to ds he can see me and screams.

Mil has informed dh that we will have to take her mother as well. Its a 40 min drive and would mean me sitting where ds can see me and he will scream and want to get out off the seat, its also hard enough getting dcs in car and going anywhere but having to drive to pick her up too will make it a longer journey.

I text mil and asked could bil and his partner take her mother instead and she seems really annoyed. I have nothing against mil s mother it just makes things difficult for us having to take her.

Bil partner has a big car too and less people to take so it would be much easier for her but mil is making me feel guilty.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 29/12/2013 16:45

Could granny sit in the back?

jkklpu · 29/12/2013 16:45

Could you drive?

WetDogLovesHubert · 29/12/2013 16:47

Not unreasonable at all. Why can't your BIL drive his nan? It sounds like he's objecting, and you're being used instead.

ljny · 29/12/2013 16:51

Makes sense for BIL to drive his nan.

You have 4 DCs with various health issue. Including a one-year-old who's likely to scream the whole way.

ffs. No need to explain further. No need to feel guilty.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 16:52

I can't drive, and she would have to sit in the front as is very elderly and needs the space etc.

If I sit alongside ds or in the seats behind he can see me and will just scream, cry and struggle to get out of his car seat. If he didn't do this I wouldn't have minded even if I'd had to squeeze in the middle seat. Its just ds crying and the stress it will add to the already stressful event of getting dcs out of the house on time.

I said to dh that I'm annoyed mil even suggested it knowing how things are for us

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 16:55

I don't think bil and his partner said they wouldn't, mil had just decided that we were taking her mother rather than asking bil who doesn't have small dcs or as many people to take in the same size car.

I text her very politely explaining why its difficult and that bil will need to take her instead but she's making me feel like I'm rejecting her mother somehow which is silly as I have nothing against her I think she's a lovely lady but I just want us to go to the wedding with the least amount of stress/screaming from ds as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 16:56

If granny sat in the back near ds2 its likely to have the same effect for different reasons, he's not keen at all on people he doesn't know and is a teeny bit scared of her (she's lovely but very old and I think he's a little scared of her).

OP posts:
friday16 · 29/12/2013 16:59

Just say no.

Your mother in law isn't going to accept your reasons whatever you say, so don't waste your breath.

"That doesn't work for us" is, I believe, the approved phrase.

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 29/12/2013 17:16

Seeing as you've mentioned it to MIL already, I'd get on the phone to BIL and ask directly. If all ok then you can present her with a fait accompli 'oh, as it's tricky for us we spoke to BIL who's fine with it'. She can't really object to that..!

Joysmum · 29/12/2013 17:20

If she's talking to your dh about this, why isn't he talking to her. You're just going to look like the bad guy here.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 17:21

Actually I would just say to MIL that it wouldn't work for us to take her. If MIL wants to make other arrangements she can but I wouldn't get any more involved.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 29/12/2013 17:23

Its a 7 seater presumably so couldnt you put his car seat in the very back row for this one trip then sit on the seat directly infront?

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2013 17:29

"she's making me feel like I'm rejecting her mother "
Pass that guilt right back to MIL. Ask why she wants her mother to spend that long in a car with a child who will be screaming all the way, have they fallen out, is it a punishment Wink.

And why isn't MIL taking her herself?

Do not feel guilty, this crazy idea of your MIL won't work for you and it won't work for your MIL's mother.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2013 17:29

Don't be a door mat as SillyBilly suggests - get your DH to call his brother and arrange for them to take her. Its not as if you are the only option to get her to the wedding, in fact you are not even the best option (elderly lady probably won't ideally want to travel with screaming baby for 40 mins either). It sounds as if its about MIL's need to control everything not about getting granny in law to the wedding, so just go around MIL, best for everyone.

curlew · 29/12/2013 17:30

""That doesn't work for us" is, I believe, the approved phrase."

Well, it might be. If you want to sound rude and unhelpful and like an outsider rather than a family member.

OP- why doesn't your Dp ring his brother and ask if he can take their grandmother to the wedding? Or if for some reason your car is more convenient for the older lady, could he take you, and your Dp takes the children and his grandmother. (Which has the added benefit of you having a calm, child free journey, so you arrive serene and unrumpled at the wedding)

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 29/12/2013 17:33
Hmm Yes 'be a doormat' are the words i used. Ffs.
fluffyraggies · 29/12/2013 17:34

Another case of wife dealing with MIL again!

Let your DH talk to his mum OP. Also let him ring his brother up and arrange the lift with him, then tell his mother it's sorted.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2013 17:35

Ah "ffs" the immortal MN abreviation that proves you are right and anyone who doesn't think as you do is an idiot Hmm You were suggesting the OP act like a metaphorical doormat, though you did not use the expression.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 17:35

Ds seat doesn't fit well in the two rear seats and it means we have to get him out through opening the boot which is a bit difficult.

I can't go in bil car as they have dogs and I get really allergic whenever I've been in their car.

Mil is just going to have to arrange something else, she can't take her as she's going in the bridal car (well, limo with sil so there would actually be room in there for her mother but I haven't mentioned that yet!).

OP posts:
HaPPy8 · 29/12/2013 17:38

To be honest I think you are being unreasonable. This is a one off thing for a special occasion. I think you could manage one car journey for 40 minutes. Just take a few things to distract your 1 year old, and sit by him. Its not a big deal.

ENormaSnob · 29/12/2013 17:38

Presumably bil has his own reasons for declining?

If it can't be done then it can't be done

fluffyraggies · 29/12/2013 17:40

BIL hasn't declined - he hasn't been asked yet has he?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 17:43

I don't think mil even asked bil, she just told dh we would be taking her mother.

I think she's being deliberately difficult knowing we have a baby who screams in the car if he can see me and other dcs with problems meaning that any journey out is a bit of a struggle. There's no reason why bil can't take his nan. They have a seven seater and only four seats will be taken.

I don't think its fair for ds to have to be upset when there is the option of somebody else taking mil mother.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 29/12/2013 17:45

I suggested an alternative that hadnt already been mentioned. OP said the problem was her son being able to see her and granny needing front seat. If moving the car seat wont work then fine but it was a perfectly reasonable suggestion. There was no requirement of OP to bend over while she did it.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 17:46

I've tried before to distract him but he is going through a phase of if he sees me or hears me he wants me and screams till he can get out of his seat, he even makes himself sick he cries so much. He has been unwell and is still on antibiotics and I don't want him upset.

Mil knows all this, she's just one of those difficult people. She knew it would be an issue that's probably why she arranged it when it would have been just as easy to sort out that bil took her.

OP posts:
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