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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give her a lift

88 replies

Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 16:43

Have a wedding to go to later in the week.

We have four dcs all with various health issues and getting out of the house is a major struggle and stressful. Ds2 is 1 and currently gets very very distressed in his car seat if he can see me at all. If I sit in front passenger seat he's fine ( he has a rear facing seat). Even if I sit on the same row of seats but not directly next to ds he can see me and screams.

Mil has informed dh that we will have to take her mother as well. Its a 40 min drive and would mean me sitting where ds can see me and he will scream and want to get out off the seat, its also hard enough getting dcs in car and going anywhere but having to drive to pick her up too will make it a longer journey.

I text mil and asked could bil and his partner take her mother instead and she seems really annoyed. I have nothing against mil s mother it just makes things difficult for us having to take her.

Bil partner has a big car too and less people to take so it would be much easier for her but mil is making me feel guilty.

OP posts:

Annonynon · 29/12/2013 19:29

YABU to blame this on your mil, your DH was asked and he said yes so anyone would assume it wasn't a problem. Why did he refuse to ring her and change things? Does he not agree that it would be difficult?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 19:41

Dh agrees it would be difficult but thinks ds2 should just learn to put up with it and that its stressful anyway going anywhere with dcs.

He wouldn't phone mil as thought she would be annoyed with him (he detests confrontation).

OP posts:

Original poster

Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 19:42

The thing is, mil knows our circumstances so knew it would be a bit of a struggle for us. She's a bit like that you see and I think she enjoys trying to cause a rift between us.

OP posts:

mellicauli · 29/12/2013 19:52

Why don't you go with your Bil and just leave them all to cope with the disaster of their own making?

DameFanny · 29/12/2013 19:55

Hedgehog - you might not be able to leave your h but you can at least leave behind any expectation that his family will behave decently our respectfully towards you.

Why not just let h take the older children and mil's mother, and have a lovely day at home with your youngest?

onedev · 29/12/2013 20:09

The only way anyone can cause a rift is if either of you let it. I assume there must be a backstory here because otherwise YABU & your MIL sounds quite normal expecting one of her children to take her mother to the wedding. I still think the issue is with your DH & if he has no issue with this, then you shouldn't either. Let him deal with his DM.

WooWooOwl · 29/12/2013 20:10

I think you sound a bit precious too, and I don't see why your mil has done wrong.

She asked, your DH said yes. If you have a problem with anyone, it should be your own DH. Although I can't really see what he's done wrong either. Of course he should take his elderly gran to a wedding if he's asked to.

gobbynorthernbird · 29/12/2013 20:25

Your husband is being a sap. Again. Are you not bored of this yet?

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 20:39

Your dh caused the problem by agreeing to give her a lift and refusing to change his mind. Therefore he needs to face the consequences. So you all get in the car, pick up the grandmother and spend 40+ minutes with your ds screaming.

Get yourself some earphones and plug into some loud music to drown out the noise and see how your dh likes driving with all the racket going on. Might make him thing twice next time.

curlew · 29/12/2013 21:07

"Your husband is being a sap"

No he isn't. He's being a perfectly normal human being who thinks giving his grandmother a lift to his sister's wedding is a perfectly normal thing to do.

RenterNomad · 29/12/2013 21:18

OP can't go in BIL's car because of being allergic to the dogs.

I'm with you all the way, Hedgehog. Why should your poor DS have to put up with a nightmare journey because the only one of his parents with the power to change things is refusing to do so?

I'm shocked at the patronising comments about getting over it and distracting DS with "new and intetesting toys". Children do get over car seat hatred, but it's not a good idea to start on an already-stressed day, when being late will be a problem,

Tinkertaylor1 · 29/12/2013 21:20

There is no way I would expect my dd to cry for 40 mins just to appease every fucker else. Granny needs to go in bils car. Full stop.

Or just refuse to go.

RenterNomad · 29/12/2013 21:22

On a journey lasting a minimum 40 minutes, shaking "new" (unknown) toys in his face, having mummy unable to stop his distress

doing it all again inthe evening, after a tiring day (possibly a shitty day, having started so badly).

AND upsetting Great-Granny to boot.

DGGM's going in her other grandson's car or a taxi are perfectly aensible alternatives.

MerylStrop · 29/12/2013 21:27

Speak to BIL
He sounds sensible
He might do it for you rather than your MIL

foslady · 29/12/2013 21:29

I think this calls for a lovely day out, all of you plus MIL in the car to a location 40 mins away, with MIL sat in the front.

Then see if she thinks it's doable

SwimmingMom · 29/12/2013 21:40

Hedgehog - why don't you drive (assuming you can) & get gran to sit in the front & let DH enjoy the journey with DS?

I suffer from motion sickness so I usually volunteer to drive if I can't have the front passenger seat!

thenightsky · 29/12/2013 21:52

I'd get a taxi alone and leave them to it.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 29/12/2013 21:55

Op has already said she can't drive swimming.

YANBU OP. Your dh should have phoned MIL and sorted this.

gobbynorthernbird · 29/12/2013 21:59

Curlew, unfortunately for the OP this is not an isolated incident. On it's own, perfectly normal to take Granny. In a long list of DH not considering OP or DCs before himself or his family, it must be tiresome.

curlew · 30/12/2013 08:04

"In a long list of DH not considering OP or DCs before himself or his family, it must be tiresome."

Does he always have to?

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 11:45

What are you going to do OP? When is the wedding?

ICanTotallyDance · 30/12/2013 12:05

There are very few options here, really:

Call MIL's mother (the gran in question) and talk to her. Surely she can help sort out her own transport, either by arranging something directly (possibly with OP's BIL) or by speaking to OP's MIL.

Call BIL. He sounds sensible.

Take two cars (if you have two) or a taxi.

Or let granny drive... (I am assuming this last one is not a viable option).

diddl · 30/12/2013 13:09

What vehicle do you have OP?

I suppose I have in mind something big where the back isn't really much different to the front.

I suppose DS2 couldn't go in the front?

fluffyraggies · 30/12/2013 13:46

bil wouldn't do it as is sick of all the wedding business and doesn't want to be dictated to by mil.

So MIL went to him first? And he said no to her?

Right - I agree you should have a word with your BIL, OP, and make sympathetic noises re: MIL, but say that you would be incredibly grateful if, on this occasion, he would take his GM. If he wont help, then yes, have a word with gran. Ask if she would like to share a taxi with you, and explain about baby screaming problem. DH could go pick her up, bring her to your house and the taxi could go from your house with you and her in it. DH can take himself and the kids.

It sounds like your DH is not going to do anything to change the situation as it stands, so it is going to fall to you.

As your OP states you have FOUR children with health issues, plus a baby that cries and screams solidly in the car if he can see you, i am very surprised you have been told to 'suck it up' by so many on this thread.

OP has to get these children to the wedding on time, and with everyone in some semblance of calm, (yes, and home again after the wedding, as someone else has pointed out) without much back up form her DH by the sounds of it. Why on earth should she be expected to take on a grand-ma too when there are other options?

(Your DH needs to grow a backbone OP. Sorry)

candycoatedwaterdrops · 30/12/2013 13:55

Tell granny that you don't want her to have to put up with kiddie noise on her GDD's wedding day, so you've organised a lovely, quiet taxi for her and you, so you can have a proper catch up.

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