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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give her a lift

88 replies

Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 16:43

Have a wedding to go to later in the week.

We have four dcs all with various health issues and getting out of the house is a major struggle and stressful. Ds2 is 1 and currently gets very very distressed in his car seat if he can see me at all. If I sit in front passenger seat he's fine ( he has a rear facing seat). Even if I sit on the same row of seats but not directly next to ds he can see me and screams.

Mil has informed dh that we will have to take her mother as well. Its a 40 min drive and would mean me sitting where ds can see me and he will scream and want to get out off the seat, its also hard enough getting dcs in car and going anywhere but having to drive to pick her up too will make it a longer journey.

I text mil and asked could bil and his partner take her mother instead and she seems really annoyed. I have nothing against mil s mother it just makes things difficult for us having to take her.

Bil partner has a big car too and less people to take so it would be much easier for her but mil is making me feel guilty.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2013 17:47

HaPPy why is she BU when there is an option that will be pleasanter for both the grandmother-in-law and for the OP'S family? Based on the information so far there is no advantage to the arrangement MIL is proposing, except that it is MIL's arrangement. Sticking to the proposed arrangement and not at least asking BIL would be done purely to please MIL on a matter that really makes no difference to her, as she will be in another car altogether.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 17:48

she just told dh we would be taking her mother

And what did he say in response to that?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2013 17:52

Fair enough SillyBilly perhaps I read more suggested submissiveness into your suggestion than you meant :)

The rear seats in people carriers rarely work for rear facing seats anyway - not only is it awkward to get them in and out unless you have a door instead of a boot (as in a proper van), but they are actually unsafe in many models due to the type and size of the rear seats.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 17:54

He said yes!

I didn't know till today when mil reminded him smugly in front of me and said Thankyou. I said "hang on a minute-nobody has mentioned this to me and ds will cry" mil just looked at me, left and five mins later phoned dh and I could hear him saying that no I didn't have a problem with her mother its just that its a bit difficult.

I asked him to phone her back, say we were sorry but couldn't do it and he said he couldn't so I text her, politely explained why it wasn't possible and that bil should be able to do it instead. That didn't go down well.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 29/12/2013 17:55

faire i was going to ask that.

There was an unteresting thread recently asking (basically) why it was that DILs and MILs seem to clash so often.

THis thread is a perfect example of what goes on all the time - thread after thread - woman dealing with her husband's mother.

Let DH sort it out OP. YANBU.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 17:56

Then your problem is with your dh, not your MIL. She asked the driver if he would give her a lift and he said yes. Over to him to sort out.

fluffyraggies · 29/12/2013 17:56

Xpost OP.

Bloody hell.

Why couldn't he phone her back??

Perfectlypurple · 29/12/2013 18:01

Yanbu. I hate that people volunteer others for stuff and don't even ask first. I get this a lot with my family.

maddy68 · 29/12/2013 18:03

I think yabu as well. It's a one off. Give the old dear a lift

curlew · 29/12/2013 18:04

What would the MIl's reason for deliberately arranging for her mother to go in the most inconvenient car? Why can't the Dp concerned ring his brother and ask him to take their grandmother? (Not some random lady off the street, not even "MIL's mother" but their grandmother!)

ashtrayheart · 29/12/2013 18:11

Can you wear a disguise? Wink

natwebb79 · 29/12/2013 18:12

I don't have anything helpful to advise but anybody saying it's just a one off so the OP should just suck it up might like to try organising 4 children with additional needs for a wedding! Hmm

ashtrayheart · 29/12/2013 18:13

But yes, bil should take her.

DanceWithAStranger · 29/12/2013 18:16

OP, do you want to go to this wedding? Could you stay home and have a nice rest while your DH takes all four children and your GMIL to the wedding? After all, he agreed to give the lift...

ENormaSnob · 29/12/2013 18:20

Obvs didbt read the thread as thought bil had said no Blush

Leave it to dh to sort out.

Fwiwi would give my gran or dhs gran a lift no prob. I would feel awful otherwise.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 29/12/2013 18:24

Just spoke to dh and it transpires that bil wouldn't do it as is sick of all the wedding business and doesn't want to be dictated to by mil. Explains why mil decided we would do it.

I'm tempted to just offer to pay for a taxi for nan, its not her fault and I'd hate her to feel like an inconvenience or have to put up with 40 mins of screaming ds and possibly being late for her granddaughters wedding (we are always late for stuff).

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/12/2013 18:34

Hedgehog you should go in the taxi with gran and let your husband, who can't stand up to his mum, get all the kids out of the house and into the car, you can meet them there :D

Perfectlypurple that's where I'm coming freom too - my mother is a huge culpret, always volunteering people without asking them first and often putting everyone involved in quite awkward positions, as nobody realises they haven't been asked, all so she can get a warm glow of satisfaction. Often her arrangements don't actually end up helping any of the people involved as they are stunningly unsuitable or ill thought out, yet everyone goes through with them to keep her happy. Nobody stands up to her and everyone goes along with it, except me- so I am the bad guy. Drives me nuts...

Mishmashofstyles · 29/12/2013 18:38

I think yab a bit precious. Your DS will have to get over this stage of screaming all the time in the car sooner or later. Take new and interesting toys.

curlew · 29/12/2013 18:39

But when it's transporting family members to a wedding don't you generally expect to be told who you're taking? Isn't that all part of being a family?

I do feel a bit sad for grandma going on her own in a taxi because one grandson can't be arsed to take her and the other has been told he can't. Why can't she go in the wedding car?

MintyChops · 29/12/2013 18:50

What exactly did MIL say in reply to your text? Wondering if it's possible to craft a suitably obtuse "Great, glad we sorted that out. I'll leave you to let BIL know what time to collect Granny, see you there!" sort of breezy ignoring-any-snippiness response.....

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 18:53

Get your DH to take the gran and the kids, and cadge a lift from your BIL.

Tinkertaylor1 · 29/12/2013 19:04

This is exactly what my mil would do! I have the rage for you!

curlew · 29/12/2013 19:19

Obviously the OP has special circumstances which presumably her Dp understands. But he still said yes. So, unless she understands them too, exactly how is it the MIL's fault?
Surely it's perfectly normal to be "asked" (aka told!) to give family members lifts to a family wedding?

onedev · 29/12/2013 19:21

I don't understand at all what your MIL has done wrong?? She asked your DH (her DS) to take his grandmother to the wedding & he said yes.

If there was likely to be an issue, he should have said no or even if he didn't realise until speaking to you, then he should tell her no as soon ad he was aware. You were BVU contacting her directly by text yourself - leave it to your DH as it's his issue, not your MILs.

onedev · 29/12/2013 19:22

Cross post Curlew - I'm with you on this!

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