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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to strangle dd1?

82 replies

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 28/12/2013 22:58

Omfg shit wank bollocks crap

Got a letter today from council saying benefit completely stopped citing the reason being that I have a non dependent, bill for hb overpayment alone is near enough 2 grand. Confused
I've sent a curt letter back stating that dd doesn't have a wage, she's in college full time.
I've been sending off proof of college attendance for both dd and ds to all and sundry and am even still getting CHB for dd until next year, so I should know, right?
Wrong.
As it turns out, when dd has been saying she's been volunteering, going shopping, visiting her boyfriend, swimming, ect, it transpires the little fucker madam has actually been working, an hasn't fucking let me know! Confused

To say I'm pissed is an understatement - I'm sitting here in shock an horror. I was looking forward to being debt free this year after going majorly without to pay bills, and debts. The last debt I have ends in feb, a loan from the social fund I took out ages ago.
I want to cry and throw up, but I can't. She's been working since fucking September FFs and I've been busy with a new baby so haven't been as on the ball as I usually am. I actually asked her not long ago what she was going to do when she left college.
I could feel the colour draining from my face when she admitted she had been working and not at college like if thought.
She has even been asking me for help with college work.
Basically she has very cleverly lived a double life, and I didn't have a shitting clue Hmm she's also arranged to move out in the new year, she obviously knew this was coming.
Basically having worked it all out I think I'm looking at a total of around seven grand Confused
What the pissing hell do I do? Already been through the bloody mill with other stuff this year, and in the past, I don't think I can face the reality of this to be honest, I know I have to.
Am thinking of arranging for her support worker to meet with us both don't know what it will achieve but I'm so angry I need to tell them they have brought up a money grabbing lying little fuckbag and the other half of me is being all loving mom like 'don't worry, thanks for telling me the truth, its nothing we can't sort out' while my demon on the shoulder is tellin me I want to throttle her. Sorry for the venting obviously I wouldn't hurt her really, she's made a big mistake but hey ho
I don't know now whether to keep her working and pay everything and the arrears which defeats the object of the reason she worked without telling me, so she could keep all her money to spend on crap like a ps4 she told me her dad had brought for Xmas.
Sorry for rambling an no construction to post, I'm still in shock I think Hmm

OP posts:
RunRabbit · 28/12/2013 23:02

Why did she lie? Confused

Can you speak to the Citizens Advice Bureau, since it's so much money?

AndHarry · 28/12/2013 23:03

Well, from what I understood of that (Wink) I think YABU. Working full-time while pretending to you that she was at college is frankly weird but not a crime and a sight better than all the other things she could have been doing. She probably has absolutely no idea about entitlement criteria for child tax credit and the like so it's hardly fair to blame her for that. Ouch for the debt though :(

Danann · 28/12/2013 23:04

It might be worth talking to her support worker and seeing if they have any ideas how to sort it.

Lambzig · 28/12/2013 23:04

I don't have any advice, but didn't want to read and run.

That's so horrible for you, but you seem to be handling it really well with your DD.

Much sympathy and I hope someone with experience/good advice reads this soon.

Annunziata · 28/12/2013 23:08

Why did she not tell you?

You will have to sit down with her. She must help you to repay this.

RhondaJean · 28/12/2013 23:11

Are you sure it's 7k since sept seems awfully high!

TheArmadillo · 28/12/2013 23:11

Your housing benefit and council tax reduction will be based on the highest non dependant deduction - essentially they will be assuming, having no other proof, that she has been earning a very high wage. You need to get copies of her payslips to get it assessed on her actual income. That should bring down your council tax bill, and up your housing benefit (hopefully considerably). If the decision has just been made you have a month to challenge it.

Get your dd to write a letter stating that she told you she was at college (might be easier for you to write it and get her to sign it) and you have only just found out that this was the case.

pinktransit · 28/12/2013 23:11

In your shoes I'd be bloody steaming...

However, from an outside point of view, I'd be looking at the figures and going back to the hb people and whoever else.
If she's only been working since September, that's only 4 months, so you can argue against the £2k hb bill, and the others too.
If you have a support worker, then yes, talk to her - she should be able to work out the exact costs. I can't believe it would be seven grand for four months. And you didn't know, so it wasn't a deliberate fraud.
Your daughter should also contribute to paying back any debt. How old is she?

However you decide to handle it, sending you some very un mumsnetty hugs xxx

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 23:12

I think you are being quite restrained not having done it already. I would be beyond livid.

You need to find a way of making her responsible for paying it back.

Original poster
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 28/12/2013 23:14

Thanks, all.
No she knows from me about Chb and tax credits ect.
She has come from local authority care back home, they taught her nothing of budgeting - poor cow was prob just trying to keep up with her boyfriend who is working, and has money to throw round, she has always been money orientated.
Angry at being taken for a mug and being lied to, she's admitted she didn't want to tell me because she wanted it all to herself, she's been earning three to four hundred quid a week

I'm fucked aren't i

I can't. Believe I asked her and believed her when she said she was meeting her boyfriend there or going for lunch with her dad there/swimming.
We've always been pretty open chatting about everything but she is defensive and funny about money - worst thing as well is I was giving her bus pass money and other bits and bobs but were on a tight budget

One part of me is like Confused I can't believe she's done this to me, I was so close to being debt free for the first time in years.

Have two under fives and am shitting it that I'm going to be done for fraud and/or evicted Hmm

OP posts:
RandyRudolf · 28/12/2013 23:14

If you have provided them with evidence of college attendance how did they find out about her employment?

AgentZigzag · 28/12/2013 23:17

I don't know the legalities of it, but surely they can't hold you responsible for something out of your control can they?

I wouldn't put it past them of course, but if you didn't know she was working then you telling the truth.

WhatAFeline · 28/12/2013 23:18

Your DD needs to help you pay what is owed, but the figure you quote sounds very high. It might not be as bad as you think?

So sorry this has happened, OP.

Do try CAB. Keep trying, because it can be difficult to get through. ( they are charities, and many have had to cut their services due to funding cuts).

Original poster
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 28/12/2013 23:18

She's 19 nearly 20
Fekking aspergers - it's gone right over her head. I am reading replies its all very helpful thank you just feeding baby then will respond ASAP x

OP posts:
Shallistopnow · 28/12/2013 23:20

How many hours has she been working?
Has she been to college at all?

She should definitely help you pay it back. Put the bloody XBox on ebay. Cheeky little cow.

AgentZigzag · 28/12/2013 23:20

How old is she? (unless you've said and I've missed it)

Pancakeflipper · 28/12/2013 23:20

300 -400 a week ? Well she can help pay you back on that amount.

Shallistopnow · 28/12/2013 23:24

Please don't worry about being done for fraud or being done for fraud.

The fact she has Asperger's actually helps your case.

Original poster
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 28/12/2013 23:24

Rudolf I assume its through paye, I haven't told them as been unaware, curt letter from me which now I hope turns to ash on the way there to stop me looking a right berk said as much, alarm bells rang a couple of weeks back when they said I'd written to let them know she wasn't a dependent any more but I assumed that was down to her being nearly 20, as have had letters from Chb tax credit ect asking me to confirm ft education and I've had a letter from college (dd's) to send back

Getting angrier now as she just came down and said she knew she should have told me but thought she was going to be moving to SS supported accommodation before Christmas so didn't tell me because she didn't want me taking all her money and her 'having to support all of us'

Fuming but repeating to myself silently that prison food isn't nice Wink

OP posts:
Shallistopnow · 28/12/2013 23:25

or being evicted I meant

citruslemon · 28/12/2013 23:25

"Fekking Aspergers" did you really just write that?!

TheArmadillo · 28/12/2013 23:25

Also check the date they have changed your eligibilty from. If she was in full time education last academic year you should be entitled to child benefit (and therefore she should be treated as a dependant) up to the first Monday in September 2013 as far as I am aware. Double check that with child benefit. They may have gone back to july when students generally finish for the academic year.

youarewinning · 28/12/2013 23:28

Ah the wonders of ASD and living in the moment.

It's hard op. I really feel for you. My DS also has no concept of future and consequences. Yet the intelligence means they know how everything works - it's the processing the consequences.

I think in the situation, because if the SN, a letter of explanation with actual income to start with would be helpful. I also think 2k is far too much for 3 months. How has she earning that much a week? Is that before deductions?

lougle · 28/12/2013 23:32

ok the maximum NDD is £80 per week. If she's been working for 12 weeks, earning £400 per week, the total deduction will be around £1000. With child tax credits, the amount over paid will be in the region of £750 ish.

ashtrayheart · 28/12/2013 23:34

7k seems a bit high?!
Give them proof of her actual income and let them recalculate. If she is moving out then you are entitled again, they can deduct the overpayment from future entitlement.