Oops i see posting in AIBU has brought out all the judges.
Fwiw. I have paid more than a passing interest to DD. She has said so herself, i allow her independence, she is, after all, a bloody adult. A vulnerable adult, but an adult nonetheless.
We speak openly about everything.
She has admitted that in part, she kept quiet about the job (she didnt keep quiet, she fucking LIED.. 'I'm off to meet boyfriend at * insert name of workplace here' 'I'm going to the gym/swimming' 'Do you need any money?' 'No, its free because boyfriend* works there' but for the sake of peace i've accepted the explaination of she kept it 'quiet'
For clarity, she has continued FT education, done the job on the side.
I've let her know i feel sad about being deliberately deceived. I believe she's sorry.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck up for me.
Hints and tips : Read the full thread, please, before posting judgemental crappy comments.
Annabelle. Thanks for your constructive comment. Allow me to reply.
Yes, dd was in care, for almost 11 years. I had her back following her being assaulted in a placement. For the third time during her time in care.
It sounds bad, but i didn't really want her back, i could see problems arising from it. I had been allowed so little contact with her that her first year here was like having a lodger and i don't doubt that she would have her own things to say. Over time our relationship improved, with work from both sides, but (rightly so) mainly mine.
As for my 'further children' do you think life stops for 11 years? Are we not allowed to move on?
I was upset about having to move from our home to a completely new area, told to move by ss who insisted if we moved house, they would return her.
After moving, i was told i no longer had a support network. No fucking shit, i had moved area away from family and friends! They cited this as a reason not to return her. So they told me to move, to get her back, told HER she was coming back, then changed their minds.
I had a termination, to prevent her coming home to a new baby, i didnt want her to think that i'd forgotten, replaced, ect, her.
My DS was still at home, my life stopped pretty much for six of the eleven years while i fought to get her home, only admitting defeat when the ss obtained a court order preventing me from making any more applications. Four years after that, i had little DS2, DD was fifteen then. She was among the first to be told, and i had little DD2 when she was at home with us, this year. So i clung on to my old life, refusing to move on for the sake of dd returning to a home that wasnt much changed, basically over 11 years i had to loosen my grip on that very unreasonable expectation on myself.
And as for being in care, no, it can't be very nice, but trust me, it results often in spoilt, entitled kids, not ready or prepared for the outside world, whether ASD or not. DD had pocketmoney (quite a high amount imo) however she wasnt allowed to go stay at friends houses or go shopping alone/with friends. She didnt really have friends, in part through ASD and in another because friendships are all but unsustainable when you can't go out with your friends shopping, or have giggly sleepovers without the parents needing to do a CRB check. I did complain heartily about this, and i believe now things are different. She also, in one year, had THREE holidays abroad, and one in this country. Four holidays, a lot of people i'm sure would love just one bloody holiday. She also had clothing allowance.
She wasn't told about budgeting, contraception, anything really, she couldn't cook, has some mad fascination with buying DVD's and every games console going. Hell it took me six months to get her to come out of her room and sit with us as a family, a lot of coaxing, encouragement, she said she couldn't take the hustle and bustle. I had to relax the no food in bedrooms rule because otherwise for the first few months she wouldn't have eaten. The foster carers let her sit for hours on end in her room. Bill paying and shopping are doable, but only if a list is written and has to be very specific.
She would live on mcdonalds and pot noodles if i let her (typical teen there then) .. when she had her compensation money i tried to encourage her to pass her driving test, explained how valuable a skill driving is, no joy there, she brought dvds and games consoles, clothes, shoes, but not just a few, heaps.. and shoes probably a pair a week...I did question what she was doing, but i couldn't stop her spending her own money, the social services pretty much told me to butt out but not in those exact words of course. Next thing i knew, she was skint again.
They are simply not bothered.
Oh and for the last three years of her being in care, she didn't even have an allocated social worker. She has said herself, if she hadn't come here, she would have struggled to live independently and feels like they 'cut her loose' .. they have basically had very little contact with her during the past couple of years she has lived with me, except by phone, and there has been months without contact unless she has called them first. So basically if she hadn't returned home she would have been chucked out into the big wide world ill equipped to deal with it and with an over inflated sense of entitlement.
Frankly i am disgusted that this was allowed to happen.
A couple of years of living with me has grounded her and i've advised her as best i can but without a very close relationship, it has been extremely hard.
I know i don't have to explain myself to a bunch of strangers on an internet forum but there you fucking have it.
ANYWAY .. for anyone who helped, and sees anyone else in a similar position. Calls today to CHB and CTC have gone like this. As dd is in FT education and working less than 20 hours per week, nothing is affected.
The council have said they won't backdate the HB to the point at which they stopped it. Seems bloody unfair but oh well, suppose i'll have to suck that up.
I've sent in wage slips and started praying.
Booked dd for an assessment for aspergers which is long fucking overdue, only to be told by her this morning that she was taken to see a counsellor about her behaviour, later on told by SS that it was an assessment for ASD which i had already been told years ago. So basically, the reason they took her, was her ASD type behaviour which was blamed on me and lack of attachment and now they've admitted they should have supported us all those years ago rather than remove her from my care
I suppose i'd better stop there. Thanks if you're still reading and thank you so much once again to all those who posted with positive or helpful comments and advice.
Screw you to all those who took the opportunity to be an arsehole.
:)