To want to strangle dd1?

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Omfg shit wank bollocks crap

Got a letter today from council saying benefit completely stopped citing the reason being that I have a non dependent, bill for hb overpayment alone is near enough 2 grand.
I've sent a curt letter back stating that dd doesn't have a wage, she's in college full time.
I've been sending off proof of college attendance for both dd and ds to all and sundry and am even still getting CHB for dd until next year, so I should know, right?
Wrong.
As it turns out, when dd has been saying she's been volunteering, going shopping, visiting her boyfriend, swimming, ect, it transpires the little fucker madam has actually been working, an hasn't fucking let me know!

To say I'm pissed is an understatement - I'm sitting here in shock an horror. I was looking forward to being debt free this year after going majorly without to pay bills, and debts. The last debt I have ends in feb, a loan from the social fund I took out ages ago.
I want to cry and throw up, but I can't. She's been working since fucking September FFs and I've been busy with a new baby so haven't been as on the ball as I usually am. I actually asked her not long ago what she was going to do when she left college.
I could feel the colour draining from my face when she admitted she had been working and not at college like if thought.
She has even been asking me for help with college work.
Basically she has very cleverly lived a double life, and I didn't have a shitting clue she's also arranged to move out in the new year, she obviously knew this was coming.
Basically having worked it all out I think I'm looking at a total of around seven grand
What the pissing hell do I do? Already been through the bloody mill with other stuff this year, and in the past, I don't think I can face the reality of this to be honest, I know I have to.
Am thinking of arranging for her support worker to meet with us both don't know what it will achieve but I'm so angry I need to tell them they have brought up a money grabbing lying little fuckbag and the other half of me is being all loving mom like 'don't worry, thanks for telling me the truth, its nothing we can't sort out' while my demon on the shoulder is tellin me I want to throttle her. Sorry for the venting obviously I wouldn't hurt her really, she's made a big mistake but hey ho
I don't know now whether to keep her working and pay everything and the arrears which defeats the object of the reason she worked without telling me, so she could keep all her money to spend on crap like a ps4 she told me her dad had brought for Xmas.
Sorry for rambling an no construction to post, I'm still in shock I think

What a horrible situation.

It sounds to me that you and your daughter need some serious relationship counselling.

You say she has no support from ss now, but she is expecting ss accommodation?

I think living away from home is best for you and for her mostly.

She must feel very left out and pushed aside, she is seeing her siblings with you when she was in care for such a long time. She probably thinks you abandoned her.

are SS not involved with your younger children?

No not involved with little ones or ds (16)
I would hope now she doesn't feel abandoned by me but at the time she must have I wasn't allowed to say I love you/miss you/want you home or contact was immediately pulled. This is par for the course with SS not just in my own case. When younger she did ask why I didn't come to get her and go home. Why ds was at home and she wasn't. I understand she wouldn't come through the other side without some scars you can't see. She stopped self harming a few months after she came 'home' and says its because she felt happier than she had ever done. I fought so hard for years because I didn't want to let her down, when I did IMO it was out of my control.
She had her belongings stolen while in most foster placements, as well as being assaulted in some way in all but one of nine placements not including temporary or respite ones.
Foster parents own children also took advantage of her nature to sleep with her (she was over 16 so can do fuck all about this) but the one who she slept with was in his late twenties. Another fc daughter assaulted her because her boyfriend hung around with dd too much 'for her liking' and in the same placement the fostering allowance was spent on other things which is why dd turned up here with only two sets of clothes and shoes with holes in them.

She has a support worker but has heard nothing from them and upon contact was told there is a waiting list to see the worker.

So yes she's had it bloody rough. I don't dispute that. I asked for counselling for us which was met with a raised eyebrow and 'do you really want us involved in your life again' on top of 'we don't supply or pay for those services'

But hold on a sec. Ds lost his sister too y'know ? They never offered him support or counselling - he was banned from contact with her aged FIVE and it was never revisited. Ever. Till she came home. He'd done nothing wrong, but when she first went into care, she was asked who she would like to see, she said mum. No one else was allowed contact. In the whole 11 years my mum saw her once despite applying to be a party to proceedings, apparently as she was also the mother of dd's abuser it was deemed unacceptable, and the one time she did finally get contact the children's guardian accused her of taking dd to see her abuser. Dd even told them she hadn't, they had gone swimming, but once an accusation was made by a professional, well it's really hard to prove a negative, isn't it?

Ds and dd are both fine together now which I think is a testament to them both, not sibling relationship, more 'friends' but they care deeply for each other thank god.

Sorry for the war and peace thing but if anyone else says anything about her feeling abandoned or me having more children I think I'm going to bloody explode. I wasn't aware we lived in china with its one child per family law?!

I think people are just purely stating the facts here.

Your dd was made to leave her family and returned 11 years later to her mother having additional children.

Additional children might I add that haven't had to face the abuse that she has been through.

From your last post I am a little confused, the mother of the abuser, I think from what I understand it is your dd's father who abused her? It is very understandable that social services would not allow his mother to see the child.

You put a post on here for help, and everyone will always want to know the circumstances and try to understand the story...

as they say if you don't want people to look at your dirty laundry don't air it outside

Citrus- its someone venting- mild is really hard to live with.... Tries the patience...

If she is still in full time education then you will still be entitled to the benefits my son works part time whilst going through college we get cb and ctc for him (They both know he works) and will do until he leaves later this year if we where entitled to housing benefit we would still get that too as they disregard any payments students receive as they are still classed as a dependant

ttt, why on earth would it be understandable that social services would not let the mother (in this case the abused child's grandmother) of the abuser not see her granddaughter? The abuser might have been the child's father or uncle or auntie, but not the grandmother.
I am, through work, very involved with social services and know social workers are damned if they do and damned if they don't, but some of the decisions they make do seem strange. I can't understand why her younger brother wasn't allowed to have contact for many years.
OP, I hope you are feeling much calmer now and things get sorted as best they can.

Oh my goodness Things, I'm exhausted just reading your posts. I think that counselling might be beneficial to all of your family but obviously you want to get debt free first.

It sounds like you have worked terribly hard and against all odds - I really hope things start to improve for you all.

(and I wanted you to read something else positive after some imho unpleasant posts on here)